Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption: Part II
by Bald as Malak
Summary: Last chapter of Part II up! Part III to follow. The continuing story of Xi Lan, the Exile, with excerpts from the adventures of other characters as well.
1. Chapter 1: Exile

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

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**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please?

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Grudging gratitude**: thanks to Adrianna, Siela Hans, Mellyna, Zealit, shellythenerd, Brazilian Sith Lord, and rinslet for the encouraging reviews on the last chapter of Part I. I hope you continue to enjoy the second part.

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**Thanks to Brazilian Sith Lord for a wonderful beta-read**

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**Exile (Xi Lan)**

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**Council Hall, Jedi Temple, Coruscant 10 months after Malachor V. **

The Jedi Council thought they had summoned me, and perhaps they had, but I was already on my way when their message arrived.

Why? Why did I come here, to the Jedi Temple, when I had nothing? Was I seeking something? I wish I knew. I was seeking nothing! I wish I cared…

What could they do for me, who carries the lingering deaths of two fleets and one world? Could they heal me? Could they? Was there hope for me? Could they take this pain away?

I wish they could. My heart cries out for healing, but how could they extricate the pleas of so many undying voices?

How can one heal betrayal? It undermines everything! Once betrayed, nothing is real until you look over every aspect of it. What harm might this thing or person cause me? Is it real, what I see or is there something hidden, dark behind it? What am I missing?

Perhaps the Jedi could erase the memories from my mind, like a recording on a holovid that is no longer needed. Would that work? Or would it all just come back the next time I saw something that reminded me of that terrible day?

If it did work, would I still be who I am if they did that? Hell, I don't care! I would regret the loss for a moment, if they could fill up this emptiness with something normal, safe, …oh please something warm. I would accept anything, just to be whole again. Even if I had to become someone else.

They should save me! If not me, they should save those other souls. The ones who could not return to the Force. They should save all those bits and pieces of souls that spun in the black vortex that had replaced my heart. Souls, begging for release, desperately struggling to flee the endless hunger that existed inside of me.

Why am I still me? Why haven't I been consumed? Or have I? Am I who I used to be, or just a composite of those pieces that have so far escaped annihilation? I feel a thousand emotions: fear, desperation, grief, regret, determination, resignation, resolution, anger.

Sorrow. So much sorrow. And hunger.

This hunger is not mine. That I know. It seeks to drive the other emotions out. Or maybe to consume them, I can not tell. How can one read the intentions of devastation?

I wished I could just die, but then what would happen? Would this emptiness die with me, or would it grow consume others, suck out the marrow of life until the universe is hollow?

Ha! Who would hold me accountable?

A hand touched my arm, and I realized that I sat in a chair, my head between my knees and my hands over my head. I raised my head to see a Padawan standing over me, his calm as only the righteous can achieve. He reveled in my fall, found in it the justification that the Jedi Order was right not to intervene in the Mandalorian war.

I felt my cheeks heat and I felt my head start to duck, to evade my shame as mirrored in his cold eyes. The voices in my head went silent then, and then some… perhaps Mandalorian… I was not sure… they spoke of pride and of refusing to surrender. And then more voices joined them until my head rang with their indignation. We might suffer, we cried, together for one moment, we might be consumed but we were not ashamed.

I leisurely uncoiled myself, standing up with my chin lifted and my eyes boring into the Padawan's until he turned away. He had not known battle. He had not put everything he was on the line to save others. I would not be judged by this little Jedi who knew nothing of sacrifice and commitment. Not by him, or any other in this Temple.

Keeping his eyes down, the Padawan politely asked me to follow him.

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As we walked to the chambers, I thought about how the conversation might go. No doubt they would ask me of Revan. The holovids could talk of nothing else. Where had he gone? What had happened to him? Where had he gotten this new fleet? Why had he betrayed the Republic? Would the Jedi protect us now?

It didn't matter what I answered. Revan was too much for them, too powerful, too smart, and too cunning. They are as dead as I am, I thought to myself. We are all corpses that will not admit that it is time to lie down and let others dig the grave. I could feel the Padawan next to me shudder as my face bent itself into a grim smile.

I should have known! Why couldn't I believe that Revan would that to me? I knew how cold he was. I knew that he was willing to sacrifice others for his purpose. Why hadn't I known?

We were winning. Why did he need to sacrifice me? Why was he invading the Republic now? I thought he loved it, I had known he loved it? Was I fooling myself? Were there any senses I could trust now? Were there any senses remaining to me, or was I just staring out of a shell whose movements followed the will of another, a consuming hunger?

Of all the things I could believe about Revan, betrayer of the Republic was not one of them. What piece of the puzzle that I was missing? How could I answer that question? Of all the things I knew about Revan, about the world, about my ability to protect myself in it, what could I trust now? I thought he had loved me. I had known that he loved me. Was it all a lie?

I had thought that any sacrifice was worth paying to save the Republic. What a bold commitment. What a naïve attitude to take. Only one who has not truly suffered could leave themselves open like that. Only one as idealistic as I had been. I would never be so again.

No more, I told the voices sternly. I had not thought they would listen, but suddenly I was overwhelmed by silence. My eyes closed for a second and I felt air entering into my lungs for the first time since Malachor. It would not last, but I bathed in that moment of peace.

I would face the Jedi Council and then I would seek out Master Kavar, I would say goodbye to him, because I did not think I would remember him soon. Soon, I feared, the voices would overtake who I was and I would be like a ghost, but with tens of thousands wailing voices to haunt the dusty corners of the universe.

Maybe, he would forgive me. Maybe he could keep me safe with him, hide me away in the trees of Kkakala III or some other place where there was only simple goodness. I did not believe so, but it was worth dreaming about.

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How can I describe the emotions that went through my mind when I saw Master Kavar in the seat beside the others? Was he to sit in judgement of me? Would he speak for me? Would he push the others to seek healing for me, to find answers to questions without answers that resonated in the corners of my body? Or would he judge me as implacably as the others? I tried to find the answers in his eyes, but they turned from me, went distant.

Atris, I thought, when I saw the shock of white hair and ice blue eyes. She had risen far. I waited for some acknowledgement, some feeling arising from the times we had shared back on Dantooine, but there was nothing. Was I missing something? Her face had always masked her feelings, was it the same now?

I did not know the others, but there faces could have been clones of each other. All of that effort to make their faces serene, calm, and in control, and all I could feel was their coldness. Perhaps in another lifetime I would have shivered and drawn my robes around me, but there was nothing that could match the coldness that had lodged itself inside me. "Pride" the voices inside me whispered. "Pride," I affirmed.

"Do you know why we have summoned you here today, Knight?" asked Master Vrook. I almost welcomed that voice, its scorn goading hot anger in me. I almost felt warm, for a moment.

"You did not summon me. I chose to come," I responded, almost surprising myself with how calm my voice sounded.

I don't remember much of the conversation that followed from there. I know that they tried to convince me that they were right to delay in participating in the war. I told them dispassionately that the people on the Outer Rim worlds, both in and outside the Republic, should not have to suffer while the Jedi Council dithered about what to do.

"It was not a call that Jedi could ignore. You trained us from the beginning to help others, and so we did. What did you expect?"

"You were also trained to respect the wisdom of the Masters," Master Vrook said reproachfully, his rigid finger pointed towards me as if to run me through.

"We only asked for more time to evaluate the threat. You should have waited," another Master intoned, I don't remember who.

I told them that the billions of people on the Outer Rim worlds did not have that luxury of waiting for the Jedi to make up their mind. As I started telling them of some of the horrors I had witnessed, a wave of outrage rose in me. I don't know if it came from myself or from the others in me, but it built momentum, growing in power until it overtopped all the walls of reserve that I normally hid behind.

"You had years to make up your mind," I shouted, specks of spit flying from my mouth, "while we were fighting for our lives and for the lives of others! How long did you need to "evaluate the threat?" Or did you decide that you no longer needed to do anything once Revan, Malak, and the rest of us intervened? Did you believe that they… that we had taken that responsibility away from you? How could you? How can you sit here today, in your "noble" hall, so sure that you were right when half the Republic still burns and the other half invades you even as we speak? Are you so blind?"

"Do not presume to judge us, Xi Lan," Atris responded, her voice ice cold but her eyes like molten suns. "We had _seen_ a threat behind the Mandalorians and we needed to know what that was before we acted. If Revan, Malak, and you had just waited, then you wouldn't have fallen. You were the threat all along. All of this could have been avoided if you had just obeyed your Masters!" With each word, her voice became more outraged until she looked ready to leap out of her chair. I almost wished she would.

"All of this could have been avoided if you had valued life more than your morals! If you had come to defend the Republic and its citizens as we had, there would be no invasion right now. The only reason why Revan could turn the other Jedi and the Republican soldiers is because they all felt betrayed by you! You only sent one group during the whole war and they…" and then I stopped, for I could not find my memories of what had happened that day, except that they had somehow attacked Revan. What had happened? I continued, my voice now uncertain, questioning, "…and they attacked Revan. What did… what did you do?"

I looked at them then, gazing from face to face trying to read what they knew. The faces of Masters Vrook, Vash, and Atris were like windows closed before a storm. Master Kavar's face was also impossible to read, but it was more serene. On the other hand, I caught Master Zez Kai-Ell's eyes flicking towards the others and I wondered what he didn't know.

"He was falling to dark side and he had to be stopped," said Atris. Before she could say more, Master Vrook put his hand out, and she stopped, her mouth ajar for a moment before she shut it with a snap.

"There is nothing to be gained from this," Vrook said, "so let's finish our business here today."

"You have shut yourself from us," Master Zez Kai-Ell intoned, his voice somber, "and so you have shut yourself from the galaxy."

"You are banished," Master Vash said, "from the Republic to the Outer Rim. That is our judgement."

Why was I surprised? I shouldn't have been. Why should they stir themselves to help me when they would not defend worlds of suffering people? It hurt all the same, however, especially when Master Kavar's remained silent. I paused for a moment, caught between tears and outrage, and then I turned to go.

"Before you go, Exile," Master Vrook said, his voice unable to mask a hint of grim satisfaction, "you must surrender your lightsabres."

Outrage won then. I drew my lightsabres and, without thought or intention, stabbed them into the centre stone of the chamber. Before they could respond, or try to restrain me, I turned my back on them and walked out of the room.

If the Force had still been with me, I think I would have murdered them all.


	2. Chapter 2: Sanctuary

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

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**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please? 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Grudging gratitude**: thanks to Jedi Emeritus, Alice the Raven, Knight Savtrian, Adrianna, Siela Hans, SwordFreak92, Brazilian Sith Lord for the latest reviews.

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**Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord for a wonderful beta-read**

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**Chapter 2: Sanctuary**

_In which Xi Lan finds sanctuary_

**Jedi Temple, Coruscant **

Two Jedi Knights met me in the hallway as I strode from the Council chambers. Without words, they followed me as I left the Temple, still seething with anger. It was a foreign emotion to me, anger. I had rarely felt it, and I started to wonder if I had taken on the lessons of the Jedi too well. It felt right, this fury. It cleared my mind, gave me strength when all seemed lost. It did not feel like soul-destroying rage that the Jedi Masters always talked about. It was a feeling that the voices in my head seemed to share. _Perhaps this is how Jedi fall to the dark side_, I thought to myself. _Ah, bitter irony, for I was Jedi no longer. I could fall, but the universe would not care._

I had been walking without seeing, and so was surprised when I walked into the bright light of the courtyard outside the Jedi Temple. It did not seem a fitting setting for what I was feeling and I longed for the emptiness of deep space. "I will leave now," I told the Jedi Knights, pulling the hood of the traditional Jedi robes over my head.

"You should wait. A Padawan will bring food, clothes, and funds for your travel." He had that rigid voice that spoke of grudging obedience and duty.

"Let him catch up."

The Knight grunted, and then they moved forward and I followed.

The Padawan caught up to us just before we entered the ship. It was a small ship designed for clandestine Jedi missions. Black was its colour, so dark that it seemed to eat the light. It could carry four people, but I shared the aft room with the voices alone. The Jedi Knights took turns flying the ship, with the other one sitting outside my door. I don't know what they thought I would do, and I didn't care.

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**Jedi Council Hall, Jedi Temple (Atris)**

After Xi Lan left, the other Masters left the hall, but I remained in the Council chambers. I needed to understand my emotions better, for they had threatened to overwhelm me earlier. It was not something I was used to. _What is it about Xi Lan that brought out so much anger in me?_ _Ah Force, who am I kidding? I know the answer and it annoys the hell out of me._

When I was young, I had been attracted to Malak like so many of the other female Padawans. It was an emotion I had hidden well, although I did not always intend to do so. Rather, I couldn't help it. It was just the way that I am, shy and reserved. It is the way that I am even today, though now I hide it behind the stern countenance of a Jedi Master and Council member.

Back then, I had mustered up enough courage to talk to Malak a few times. It had been surprisingly pleasant, for Malak just enjoyed being with women, whether he wanted to bed us or not. I was too shy to explore the possibility of doing more, and he never sought it from me. I think now that I was too cold for him. Even then, I was always hiding my emotions behind a calm and cold face, always telling myself to follow the Jedi Code. For the most part, I believed in it and truly I was never that smitten with Malak. It had been fun and daring to talk to him, and I think that was all that I really needed from him—a taste of rebellion for a woman who was too much a Jedi.

_If this is the worst that I have to fight to maintain my peace,_ I had thought at that time, _then my body's impulses should not pose a problem._ I even remember wondering why others had to struggle so mightily to control their lusts and affections.

I don't think anyone realized, including Malak and Xi Lan themselves, how much he was in love with her. What they saw was that Revan, Malak, and Xi Lan seem to become inseparable, just like Revan and Malak had been before. I think everyone assumed that Xi Lan had seduced Revan and that was why she was so favoured, first by Revan and Malak and then later by the Jedi Masters. The fact that she was not particularly strong in the Force contributed to other students' resentment, as did her poor performance in subjects such as Force theory and Jedi History.

As the students gossiped about Xi Lan's "undue influence on Revan and the Masters," I knew that something more was going on. First of all, Malak had gradually stopped seeing other woman. They all assumed that he had just gotten more subtle about his conquests, but I knew that it was something more. He loved Xi Lan in a deeper way, like and unlike he loved Revan. To both, he gave his heart and his soul. It was that act of giving that made Malak so attractive to woman, because for those few glorious weeks, he would completely immerse himself in the woman he had chosen. For Xi Lan, though, his attraction never died. It just kept growing until he had no space for another woman. I don't think even Revan understood how much Malak was in love with her. Perhaps only I knew, because of what Malak and I shared.

When I heard that Revan and Xi Lan were lovers, I knew what had happened. He had stepped aside, the devoted friend who thought that Revan needed Xi Lan more. That was something unique to Malak, that unbending, absolute loyalty that he gave to the few he really loved.

As for Revan, perhaps he had thought that he loved her, but I suspect it was more the mystery of Xi Lan that had drawn him to her, that indefinable quality that separated her from the other Jedi. In the end, I suspected that he had probably found her too nice, too trusting for one such as he.

And then my eyes returned from the illusory realms of memory and speculation and lighted once again on Xi Lan's twin sabres. _Why does she make me angry, _I asked myself rhetorically. I got up from my chair and walked as calmly as I could over to the center post. I ran my hands along the two hilts of Xi Lan's lightsabres, remembering how she used to do that to everything. _What was it that she found in doing so? What did she sense in that contact that none of us could see? And,… _For a moment, I couldn't breathe, remembering that stolen night when, unbeknown to Xi Lan, I had clung to her all night, unsleeping.

_Oh Force, why did she have to be so absolutely lovely!_

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**Jedi Council Hall, Jedi Temple (Zez Kai-El)**

As I watched from the shadows, Atris recovered herself, her impenetrable mask sliding over her bowed face once again. That mask couldn't hide the anguish rolling off her in waves though and for a moment I contemplated walking over to comfort her. But I knew I would not be welcome, so I stayed silent. After a moment, she raised her gaze to the lightsabres she held and then, with brutal efficiency, she thumbed them off and jammed the hilts roughly into her belt.

After she walked off, I wandered over to the centre stone and bent down. On the floor was a rare treasure, unheeded by the world. A tear glistened there, miraculously maintaining its shape. I thought for a moment to take it, but no, that would lessen this moment.

There was something wrong with us, that we could not provide solace for those who were in such pain. Something corrupt, because we were so absorbed in the machinations of light and dark that we missed the simple miracles such as a simple tear. I did not know why I thought so, but I think it was not the Force we Jedi truly saw, not anymore. What we thought was the Force was, I felt, a reflection of ourselves. It was our desires, given form by strength that we borrowed recklessly and without thanks from life.

I knew then that I had to leave the Jedi Order. I could not do it right away, not until I knew what had happened to my last student. I would wait here until he either found me, or until I knew he was lost. Then, I would leave and find somewhere to be without the Force, without the Jedi.

I hoped it would not be long.

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**Yulsti, Lighal (Xi Lan)**

I had never asked the Jedi Knights what our destination was, but as we landed in the starport I felt compelled to ask.

"Lighal," was the terse reply.

It was not a planet I was familiar with. Later, I was to find out that it lay on the other side of the former Mandalorian Empire as it had been before they invaded the Republic. It turned out that the Lighali had been allies of the Mandalorians, trading metals for protection. It seemed an unusual alliance for Mandalorians, who usually took what they needed.

The starport where I landed was just outside a large city called Yulsti, and I made my way towards it as the Jedi ship left. Perhaps I should have felt bereft to be alone, but solitude was what I craved now.

I never checked out how many credits or other supplies the Jedi gave me. I wanted as little from them as possible. In the main market, I used some of the coin to purchase a several sets of plain black pants and shirts as well as undergarments and a warm jacket. On a nearby street, I offered the rest of my supplies and coin to the owner of a repair shop in exchange for a job fixing machinery. The owner stared at me for a long moment, until I was almost ready to walk out, and then he gestured me to follow him into the depths of his shop. He showed me a small room at the back. It had no windows or any another amenities besides a bed and a small chest for storing clothes. It was exactly what I needed. As he walked off with my supplies, I put my clothes away and then promptly fell asleep.

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**Lighal (Yulsti)--Toxel of Clan Tulden**

When I saw Xi Lan walk across the market, I didn't believe it was she. The Jedi whom I had faced in a duel so long ago on Dxun, what was she doing here on Lighal? Occasionally, a Sith would come here, following their own purpose but this planet was too far and too inconsequential for the Jedi. I was about to call out to her, but then I hesitated. _Something is strange about the way that she looks_, I thought to myself and then I realized that she was not wearing Jedi robes or carrying a lightsabre. Instead, she wore plain black clothes and carried a small pack on her shoulder. _What is she doing here? _I decided to follow her from a distance.

I did not have to wait long to discover her destination. She entered a small repair shop on a side street off the market. After waiting a few minutes, I snuck up to the shop's window. I saw the shop owner show her a small room at the back, which she entered. Just before the owner drew the curtain, I saw her placing her clothes in a small chest on the ground. The owner walked off with her bag too, so I figured she planned on staying in the shop for a while.

What I did not know was why she was here on Lighal and why she was staying in this shop. I asked around, but no one had ever seen her before. After thinking it through for a while, I called my second-in-command and ordered him to identify four men who would take turns watching the shop and Xi Lan. Then, I sat down in a nearby cantina to wait for the first watcher to arrive.

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**Lighal (Yulsti)--Xi Lan**

The next morning, the owner showed me a pile of small machines. "My name is Jerrox. Fix what you can," he said simply, and then he wandered off. I stared at the bin for a while, running my hands over the various machines. Then I walked around the workspace, seeing what tools and equipment were there that I could use. As I moved around, my hands reached out on their own accord, brushing the surface of the worktable, the tools, the chair, everything, until they lighted upon one of the broken machines in the bin. As I placed it on the worktable, I knew this was where I needed to be.

I could feel his eyes on me as I started to take the machine apart. He continued to watch me as I worked on it, until finally he grunted and went back to his own work. I think he was surprised that I could actually repair stuff. In fact, I thought to myself, I had gotten quite good at working with machinery. All that work I had put towards repairing the sensor balls for blaster deflection practice had honed my skills with machinery. As I thought about the past, I felt the horrors of the war start to barrel down on me from the dark recesses of my mind, and I quickly pushed them back. Not now, I prayed to what I did not know. Not ever…

The machine I had picked was a simple cooking device. I opened it up and started poking around to see what might be wrong with it. It turned out to be a simple matter. One of the computer chips had burned out. I took it out of the cooker and showed it to Jerrox. He pointed me to a large cabinet against the wall that was full of small shelves and drawers. Poking around, I found a replacement chip and inserted into the cooker. Then I tested the cooker, and it worked. Looking up at Jerrox, I raised an eyebrow while holding up the repaired cooker. He grudgingly pointed at a shelf in the opposite corner and I placed the cooker there.

As I continued my work that day, and then into the weeks that followed, I found myself getting lost in the simple rhythm of the work. The voices in my head continued to babble away, but I found I could ignore them more readily than before. Many were lulled by the monotonous nature of the work and went off into other corners of my mind to mutter quietly to themselves. A few, apparently mechanics and electricians when they were alive, seemed to crowd behind my hands and eyes so that they could observe my work. At first, these voices bombarded me with suggestions, but I ignored them, grinding my hands into my eyes as if to scrape them off my eyeballs. I caught Jerrox staring at me during one such incident. There was nothing I could tell him, though, so I just ignored him and the voices and got back to work.

After I had negotiated my place in Jerrox's shop, I did not speak another word to him, and he spoke few to me. He was a quiet man who loved to work with his hands. Whether fixing machines, cleaning his shop, or cooking a meal, he worked with a quiet competence and contentment. Every once in a while, he would hum soft, romantic songs that filled the shop with wistful longing. When he did this, I found myself crying, his songs reminding me of how I had once felt so connected to the world around me. I would think about fleeing the shop, but I could not bear the thought of leaving my sanctuary.

In fact, I rarely left the shop. By silent agreement, Jerrox bought the food and other supplies, subtracting my share from the wages that I earned. At first, he did most of the cooking, for I had no skill in it. However, over time I learned by watching him. One day, I prepared a meal myself while he was away on errands. When he saw the meal on the table, he paused for a moment, looking into my eyes. I quickly averted them, for I was uncomfortable with any close human contact. He grunted then as he always did and went to put the supplies away before joining me at the table. We passed a pleasant meal in which we spoke no words but understood ourselves as friends.

As time went on, I prepared more and more of our meals. After a year, I had become a fairly accomplished cook as well as a technician. Working with food and electronics grounded me in tangible things, details, and patterns, and they took me as far away as possible from the ephemeral and ethereal world of the Force.

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The first night I woke up screaming, Jerrox rushed into my room clutching a small blaster, only to find me curled up on the floor muttering incoherently. I tried to tell him I was okay, but the words wouldn't come. When he realized that I wasn't going to get off the floor, he tried to pick me up. I think he meant to put me back on my bed, but I snarled as soon as he touched me. I couldn't help it. I could feel the hunger in me reach for him as soon as he touched me and I didn't need another well-meaning, naïve innocent in my head!

Thankfully, he didn't get angry or afraid. Instead, just considered me for another minute and then he walked out of the room. I heard him walk up the stairs, but then was drawn back into my desperate fight to maintain the separation between the hunger and myself on the one hand and the voices and on the other. I don't know how long I lay there on the floor, but when the battle was finally won, I discovered that my room was lit by a soft, gentle glow of a simple lamp perched on top of a new, small table that Jerrox must have put in my room. Also on top of the table was a tray of cooling food. As I stirred, I also discovered that he had placed a soft blanket over me. I folded it up and lay it on my bed, and then I wolfed down the food and collapsed on the bed.

When I woke, it was past midday. I quickly put my clothes on and rushed into the shop. Jerrox was waiting on a customer and I waited impatiently in the corner, shifting from foot to foot, until he was done. I opened my mouth then, although I'm not sure if words would have come, but he put his finger on his lips. "I understand silence," was all he said. I nodded and went back to work.

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About a month after I joined the shop, I was forced to serve my first customer. Jerrox had left the shop to run some errands just before closing time, believing, I think, that no customers would come during that time. There was a thunderstorm outside, and the rain was pounding the walls and windows of the shop. I had started putting away my tools, when I heard the door open. Looking up, I saw a burly male, perhaps Mandalorian or human, stumble into the shop. He was half covered in some kind of rain gear, the other half revealing soaking wet clothes of good quality but bland in design. Not knowing what to do, I walked slowly up to the counter. At first, he didn't see me. Instead he looked around the shop in a haphazard, searching way. I wondered if he was perhaps a bit simple, but then I was almost overwhelmed by the fumes of some kind of alcohol.

I stopped at the counter and waited for him to speak to me. I suspect now that it must have been a strange sight, this short woman with night black eyes staring from behind a counter without saying a word. The man blinked his eyes several times, a puzzled look on his face, and then he leaned forward as if he had to get closer to me in order to see clearly. Perhaps he did, because a nasty smile crossed his lips.

"So, little one," he said, talking slowly as if he thought I was stupid or crazy, "where is your Master? Gone to play, leaving you alone in the shop? Perhaps you need some company back there in the dark?"

He reached for my hand, which was resting on the counter, but I withdrew it quickly. He frowned for a moment, and then he lurched forward over the counter. Normally, I would have easily evaded him, but I froze. A hundred different voices were telling my body to do a hundred different things. Duck, block, hit, slip to the side, cut his arm off, _do something, do something, anything!_ Finally, I moved backwards, but not fast enough. He grabbed my shirt and, before I could react, he yanked on it, tearing it partly open.

Hands pulled at me and the red haze fell back. I was sitting on top of the man, my fist raised to strike him. He lay unconscious on the ground, his face a bloody mess. I looked up, to find Jerrox holding my hand, the water from his raincoat dripping onto the shoulder bared by the ripped shirt. Blood covered my fists, my arms, and salted my lips.

Jerrox made shushing sounds to me as he drew me up from the man who had thought he had found an easy mark. He pushed me gently towards the bathroom, and left me there while he called a doctor. I started washing my hands slowly. Ten minutes later, Jerrox came into the room and removed my hands from under the tap. He helped me dry them while the doctor checked on the man on the floor.

"He'll be alright, Jerrox," the doctor said as Jerrox guided me into my room. Jerrox grunted as he pointed at my bed. Then he left the room, closely the door softly. Lying on my bed, l shivered as I thought about the damage I had done. I had fought many battles, but never had anger taken control of me like that. It scared me, but a part of me, long denied, exulted in it too. I had always been so much in control, except when it came to Revan and Malak, and it had netted me nothing but betrayal. _Never again_, I swore to myself. And then I wondered, _What will I become?_ I thought I would never be able to rest with such questions racing around my mind, but the sound of Jerrox and the doctor's voices lulled me to sleep.

I don't know what happened to that man, or what consequences arose from my rage. Jerrox never said anything about it and no one came to arrest me. After that night, I often found it hard to control my temper. I swore when a recipe failed and threw my tools across the room when things went wrong with a repair. I just couldn't suppress the feelings anymore. Jerrox never got angry at me, even when I broke an expensive tool. Instead, he just docked it from my pay and gestured for me to leave the room for a while.

&

* * *

&

**Lighal (Yulsti), Five months later--Xi Lan**

One day, when my work was done, I started playing around with some of the leftover metals, seeing what I could form with them. At first, it was awkward, but then, more quickly than I would have imagined possible, my hands started shaping simple, rough, but beautiful shapes. Even better for me, I felt the hunger in me quiet while my hands worked. It was gloriously normal! The next day, and each day following that, I worked on these shapes during the night. One day, I made a simple ring of burnished silver with a simple pattern of overlapping rings stamped into it. I placed the ring on an empty shelf near the counter where Jerrox served customers and then stumbled into my bed.

Two days later, a Twilek walked in. He was missing an arm and he walked like one who carried twice his years. Jerrox walked to the counter and waited for him to speak. The man ignored him, though, turning his head back and forth as he looked around the shop. Then he saw the ring on the counter. "I want that," he said in rough Basic and placed a hundred credits on the counter.

Jerrox looked surprised for a moment, and then he turned towards me. I had been trying to ignore the whole exchange, as I usually did when customers came to the shop. Usually this was easy for me, but not this time. There was something about this man that drew my gaze, but I did not know what. I didn't want to know why. When Jerrox turned to me, I tried to pretend that I was oblivious but then with a sigh, I put down my tools and walked towards the counter with the ring on it. Without a word, I handed it to the man. As our hands touched, I felt the strangest thing. Just for a moment, I felt a hint of lightness and the whisper of a farewell parting.

I stood there stunned, and so I saw the Twilek's face as he placed the ring on his finger. It fit perfectly and I think I saw his back straighten and his eyes focus on mine. He nodded to me then and, as I stood there with my mouth open, walked out of the shop. I wasn't sure, but his stride seemed a bit longer, less burdened. I didn't want to think about what had happened, so I turned from the counter and walked back to my workspace. I could feel Jerrox's eyes follow me, but I avoided his gaze.

A week later, two rings and a simple earring had gone to three others, two humans and a male Cathar. As before, each had walked into the store as if seeking something but not knowing what it was they sought. When they saw the rings or the earring, though, each person knew exactly what he or she wanted, and each piece somehow fit them perfectly. Never did these people and I exchange words and yet when our hands and eyes touched, and they always did, it was like we exchanged gifts of light. Each time, they took a small portion of the burden and pain I carried. From me, they gained something more than the patterned metal I crafted. It was beautiful, and it scared me deeply. I did not want to feel hope again, but I could not turn away from it.

&

* * *

&

**Lighal (Yulsti), 6 months later--Toxel of Clan Tulden**

"She still remains in the shop almost all the time. In fact, as far as we know she has only left the shop twice over the past six months…"

"And all she did was take a short walk. Yes, I remember. Thank you Keld, that will be all." As I watched Keld leave, I knew he was puzzled by our continued surveillance of Xi Lan. I couldn't blame him either, for I was not sure myself why I continued this apparently fruitless subterfuge. It was just a hunch that I had. There was something about Xi Lan that was important, but I did not know what it was.

My curiosity about her had started on Dxun. When we had fought our duel there, I had felt that there was something intriguingly familiar about her fighting style. During the rest of the war, I had always looked for Xi Lan on the battlefield. Each time I had seen her fight, I had felt this strange sense of _recognition_. It was if Mandalorians had trained her, and yet not the Mandalorians I knew. I could not find any other way of explaining it to myself.

I had consulted many other experienced Mandalorian veterans, but none of them could provide insight. At last, having exhausted all other options, I had decided to approach the wise women on Malachor V, but then that planet was destroyed and, three days later, the Mandalore killed. From that point, I had focused on protecting and rebuilding my clan. I had forgotten all about the mystery of Xi Lan until I saw her in the market that day six months ago.

Those six months of watching her had yielded no new information and I resolved then and there to move on to other challenges. I called Keld back into my tent and ordered him to cancel the surveillance.

Later that night, the last observer told me that he had seen a member of our clan enter the shop, just before it closed. When I asked, he told me it had been Meldos, a warrior who had lost his will to fight. Curious, I went to visit Meldos in his tent the next morning, but he was not there. I soon discovered him training in swords.

It was the first time that Meldos had picked up a sword in over two years. Many people think that Mandalorians never suffer war fatigue or succumb to trauma like others, but a few do. As I watched Meldos practice with another, I saw that he remained unsure, hesitant. And yet, though he was knocked down several times, he did not give up. At the end of the session, I gestured him over to me.

"Why?" I asked him, no other words being needed.

He did not tell me to keep his secret. As head of the clan, I would keep it or not as I chose. Instead, he simply removed his helmet and indicated a small earring on his left ear. "I found healing," he said.

I questioned him further but he could not tell me anything more. Simply put, he had been pulled by some unknown instinct to that store, and then to the earring. As soon as he put on the earring, he said, "It gave me the strength to move on. That is all I can tell you."

Ten minutes later, I ordered Keld to resume the surveillance of Xi Lan.

&

* * *

&

**Revan's Flagship, _The Purge_, deep space (Revan)**

I was not used to unknowns and now I faced two. The Jedi I had accounted for, and so far I had countered all their moves against my forces. Victories came surprisingly easily and so I had started to think beyond my victory over them. That is when I sensed it. Something was stirring in the Force, something that I had never felt before. It wasn't strong, but I couldn't pin down its source and so it worried me.

Whatever it was though, it would not threaten me for many years. The second unknown worried me more. _What has happened to Malak?_ After Malachor V, Malak had fallen to the dark side much faster than I had ever anticipated. Now, he was a ruthless killer before whom even the bravest of Jedi wavered. As a dark Jedi, he was powerful and predictably self-serving, and thus was easy to manipulate.

And that was what worried me. The Malak I had known and loved for over 15 years would never have become so cold, so viscious. My Malak would have retained at least some of his loyalty to me. He would have used his status and power to seduce woman and enjoy good food and drink. He would have sought new opponents against whom he could test his new powers.

The new Malak did none of these things. Instead, he seemed to focus on one thing only, inflicting punishment. It was if he sought revenge, but indiscriminately, with no clear sense of who had done him harm.

I found myself wishing for a moment that I could talk with Xi Lan about it. _She would know what was wrong with him_, I thought, but then I remembered what I had done to her and winced. _It was necessary_, I reminded myself and I paused to wonder why I still cared. _She was Jedi, and so she was my enemy even if she did not know it. And I had to use the tools at hand to create my army, even her. _

Then an aide knocked at my door and I thankfully turned to the mundane business of conquering the Republic. As I waited for the aide to open the appropriate holomaps, I dismissed thoughts of Xi Lan. _She is, too weak, especially now, to be of any use. Besides, I have many other lovers now and I truly do not miss her._

I did miss Malak though. I missed his humour and passion for life. In the end, though, it did not matter. Whatever Malak was now, I was powerful enough to contain him and that would have to be enough for my mission, to conquer the Jedi and then the Sith.


	3. Chapter 3: Flight

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

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**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please? 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Grudging gratitude**: thanks to Siela Hans, Adrianna, and JDRVJonas for the reviews.

* * *

**Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord for a wonderful beta-read**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Flight**

_In which Xi Lan finds herself reunited with an unexpected acquaintance_

**Lighal, A month later (Xi Lan)**

I looked up and realized that once again all was dark around me. The lights in the shop had been shut off. The lamp from my room had been moved nearby, although I had not noticed its presence until now. Beside the lamp, a plate of cold meats and vegetables lay under a small cloth covering. I stretched my back, reaching my hands up and over my head until I had worked out the kinks in my back. From the soreness that I felt, I must have worked past midnight again.

As I munched on the food, I considered the earring that I had just completed. Like the other pieces, it was made of a few simple metals, but this one also had a small black stone that Jerrox had brought for me a week ago. He had placed that stone in front of me as soon as he entered the store, and from that moment, all I could think of was the earring I would make for it. Each day since, I had barely been able to concentrate on the repair work in front of me. After I had made several beginner mistakes, Jerrox had taken the more difficult jobs from me and replaced them with simpler tasks.

I don't know where the design had come from. I had not truly seen it until now. When I had worked on it, it had been my hands that had seen and shaped the work. Each night, when I had finished, I had carefully placed it under a small cloth. It was a strange of working, but it had felt right.

It was in the shape of a small animal, a Kellippi, which was native to Dxun and Onderon. The Kellippi were as long as a forearm, had six arms and a long tail, and lived in the trees. This one clutched the black gem to its heart with four arms, as it would to protecting a child. The other two arms extended above its head, as if hanging onto something. That was where the piece would attach to the ear.

Many of the Kellippi had died from artillery bombardments during the battle for Dxun. I had always felt great sadness each time we had come across their small corpses lying on the grounds desecrated from our battles. More innocent victims of a mad war, I had thought then. But then one night on that horrible planet, one of the Kellippi had come into my camp.

It was missing part of its tail and the hair on its backside had been singed off. I sat there stunned as it came right up to me, clucking its tongue, and crawled into my lap. Bemused and awestruck at the same time by such an act of trust, I had fed it the rest of my food. That night, and many others during our time on Dxun, it had rested with me, disappearing the next morning and only returning when the day's battles were done. This companionship had gone on for one month, and people had started calling it "Xi Lan's Kellippi." It started riding my shoulders as I walked among the groups of soldiers, although it would never accept another's touch.

Then, the battle for Dxun had been won and the moment of my departure had arrived. I had waited until the last shuttle, hoping that it would join me, but it never came. As I sat down on the shuttle, I looked out the window wondering where it had gone. And there it was, at the outskirts of the landing site, watching my shuttle depart. I realized then that I had been foolish to expect it to join me in space. Dxun was its home.

As I sat there remembering this remarkable Kellippi, and the earring that captured it so perfectly, I found myself smiling for the first time in over two years. It was a glorious feeling, a warmth that rushed from the earring through my fingers and into the heart of me, chasing away the shadows until I felt complete. It only lasted a moment, and then the hunger returned. The warmth did not go away though, not entirely. Instead, it was like the Kellippi, a companion at the edges of my mind who reminded me that simple pleasures still exist even in the darkest of times.

Without thinking, I raised the earring to my left ear, and jabbed the pin through my earlobe. From that day onwards, when I worked on the jewelry, voices would speak gently to me of techniques and ideas. I still wasn't comfortable with the idea of listening to the voices of the dead, but now they seemed less frightening. Over the next year, I learned a lot from them about making rings, earrings, bracelets, and other jewelry.

Many of those pieces went to more strangers, all bearing burdens that my jewelry seemed to help them with. I wasn't sure then, but I began to believe that one or more of the souls floating in my skull took up residence in each of my creations, providing companionship, comfort or something else that helped those who wore the jewelry deal with their pain better. From what I could tell, each person who bought a piece was a victim of the war. Some looked like warriors, others had the dazed look of the bystander swept into the destruction of war. Some spoke with a Republic accent, others used some of the local languages, and a few spoke Mandalorian. The Mandalorians usually arrived just before the shop would close, looking nervously over their shoulder as they hurried in and out of the shop.

Other pieces joined my Kellippi earring in adorning my own body. Soon, I was covered in assorted earrings, rings, bracelets, and even several necklaces upon which more rings and other trinkets were hung. I think my past self would have thought I was crazy to so cover myself with such "useless artifacts," and perhaps that self would have been right. For this self, though, those pieces of jewelry became as much a part of me as my skin.

With each piece I made, I worked towards my centre. It was not the centre I had before, for that was lost forever. I still lost my temper often, although I was learning, oh so slowly, how to channel it in less dangerous ways. I still woke up many nights fighting the hungry emptiness inside, but I was constructing the person who would be able to fight those battles and win.

It was a long process, but I did not mind. It was what I needed.

* * *

I don't know if I ever would have left Jerrox's shop, but the choice was taken from me, approximately 18 months after I arrived on Lighal and two years after Malachor V. Jerrox and I were working on repairs when the door flew into the room with a loud bang. The door's corner clipped Jerrox's head and knocking him to the ground. I rushed over to him as a group of Mandalorians stormed into the store, their weapons quickly tracking me as I crossed the room. I did not expect to make it to Jerrox's side, but they didn't shoot. I leaned over him, desperately afraid that he was dead, but his eyes fluttered open and he gave me a wan smile. "Goodbye Xi Lan," he said, his voice barely a whisper. Then I heard a shot fired and I knew no more.

* * *

**Lighal Toxel of Clan Tulden**

When my spies told me that a group of Sith Assassins had just arrived in Yulsti, I left immediately for Yulsti with a squad of my best soldiers. As we rode our land speeders to the city, I tried to figure out why my instincts were screaming at me to protect Xi Lan, a foreigner and member of the Jedi. I wasn't even sure that the Sith team was after, but I had ordered my squad into action before I had even thought about the implications. After five minutes, I stopped thinking about it. There was some reason or force pushing me to act, and there was no way that I was going to figure out why or who before I arrived in Yulsti. We Mandalorians are ultimately practical people. The reasons for actions would have to wait. What I needed to figure out now was how I was going to convince Xi Lan to accompany me, a recent enemy, before the Sith found her.

By the time that we pulled in front of the shop, I knew what plan I would use. A few minutes before we had arrived at the shop, we passed a group of figures that I knew were the Sith team. They were walking leisurely, as if they didn't feel the mission would be much of a challenge, which surprised me. However, when we passed, they quickly broke into a sprint in pursuit of us. I knew we would only have a minute or two to spare.

So I simplified the mission. I ordered half my squad to storm the store to "stun the girl and get her the hell out of there!" Thirty seconds later, they left the shop carrying her body in their arms and we were off. I heard a few shouts at our backs as we peeled down another alleyway and one of the squad fell to a blaster shot. As we sped through the town, I comm'ed the camp. "Initiate Evacuation Order 3!" I yelled.

Fifteen minutes later, we arrived at our camp, which had been almost completely disassembled. _Not quick enough_, I fumed as I ordered my men to take Xi Lan to the shuttle. "If you're not in the shuttle in 30 seconds, you are no longer a member of my clan!" I bellowed. Twenty seven seconds later, our five shuttles lifted off from the camp just as a stream of landspeeders arrived. The Sith mercenaries on the ground fired at us, but our shuttles were too armoured for their shots to have any effect. I wasn't so sure about the opposition we would face in space, though.

Damn me for being right! As we cleared the atmosphere, twenty or so fighters bearing down on our shuttle and a large cruiser quickly moving into firing range. "Plan Evac 3," I said, my voice gruff and terse. I knew that some of my clan would not make it out of this alive. Plan Evac 3 was our escape plan for the direst of situations. It called for each shuttles to go in a different direction so as to maximize the chances of some escaping. Shuttles 2, 3 and 4 each went off in a different direction, seeking to enter hyperspace and flee on their own. They were our best, newest ships and so the most likely to survive on their own. Shuttle 5 was an old shuttle and its instructions were to head back into the atmosphere and to seek refuge on the planet. Finally, Shuttle 1, my shuttle was to head towards our small, cloaked destroyer. The plan also had a set of detailed plans for how we would meet in the future.

_Sith's blood Xi Lan, this had better be worth it! _

The plan was designed so that the enemy would assume that the most important prizes were on the newer ships rather than the old shuttle I was using. That part of the plan worked. Most of the fighters pursued Shuttles 2,3, and 4. Only 3 followed us, probably thinking that my shuttle would not be difficult. They were in for a surprise. "Geltan, Farso, Drex, why the hell aren't you at the guns! Get there now and remind these Sith bastards why the galaxy fears Mandalorians!" I didn't see if they responded because I dashed to the fourth gun turret.

I had ordered my clan to completely refurbish this shuttle for just such an occasion as this. There was a fake hull that disguised a heavily armoured interior. Also concealed inside that hollow space were 4 concealed anti-fighter gun turrets and 3 sets of small laser cannons that would easily fend off a ship of a similar size. As the fighters closed in on us, our turrets popped out of the shell. "Get them quickly!" I shouted. I wanted them to die before they could relay the nature of the ship to the other Sith. Five seconds later, all three Sith ship were space dust.

"Are there other ships pursuing us?" I asked the bridge.

"Not yet, sir. Hold on a second… Shuttles 2 and 3 are away!" he said and I could hear the cheers in the ship. "Shuttle 4 is still trying to find some room to go into hyperspace. I don't think they are going to make it. The cruiser is almost within range of… Damn, Shuttle 4 is history! The cruiser just took it out sir, along with all the fighters chasing it."

"Tixt, I don't want a play-by-play, I want to know if we are being pursued!"

"Sorry, sir. There are five fighters headed our way, but they won't reach us in time."

"Good, let's go pick up our ship."

Five minutes later, we arrived at our small destroyer, which was located behind one of Lighal's moons. She was my source of pride, perhaps the only remaining Mandalorian capital ship in the galaxy. Armed with the latest in ion and laser weaponry, she also carried a partial cloaking device that made her hard to detect. As we entered the shuttle bay, I barked out my last order. "Get us the hell out of here. You know the coordinate!"

A minute later, we were in hyperspace, leaving behind the scattered pieces of five Sith fighters. Our destination was P'as'pt, a desolate planet far removed from any developed system and far from the Sith Empire and the Republic. Maybe there I could decipher this mystery that had led to the deaths of a large part of my clan and the scattering of the rest. Damn, it made me angry to lose precious members of my crew for an unknown purpose. We Mandalorians had had enough of that recently, I thought, my blood seething. Slamming my fist on a bulkhead, I called out to one of my staff. "Drex, where did you put her?"

"She's in the medbay, sir."

While he did his best to hide it, I could tell that Drex was puzzled by the question, and he was right. Of course she was in the medbay. _Sith's entrails for dinner, don't lose it now Toxel. Let's go figure this out!_ "Everyone, get out of here! That was the worse evacuation you will ever do if we have to train from now 'til the day you die. So go get some damned beer because starting tomorrow, we'll be drilling until you drop! And if not for that reason, get frackin' pissed 'cause we're heading for hell and our still has no doubt rusted to shit by now!"

We had been too slow, and we had lost at least one shuttle, maybe two if Shuttle 5 couldn't find a way to escape. That was never going to happen again in my clan. Thinking about the drills I would be putting the men through, I walked towards the medbay.

_You better be worth it, Xi Lan, _I swore to myself. _Hell, in the deepest recesses of my Mandalorian heart, I know you are. I just wish I knew why._

* * *

**Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden -- _Xi Lan**

_"Xi Lan…" A soft, deep voice, one that moved through my body like a slow wave of heat. _

_"Who...?" And then, "Malak?"_

_"Xi Lan…" A cold, gloating voice, metallic, rasping, reaching, yet still familiar._

_"Who…?" Again, and then once more, "Malak?"_

_"More than Malak! More powerful, no more weak love! Stop trying to subvert me with your presence!"_

_"I…"_

_"Xi Lan, don't give up on me, I'm here."_

_"Where?" I said, casting around with my senses. There, a slight tugging. I followed it through the mists of what I now knew was some kind of vision or dream. And then, I couldn't follow it anymore. It was, Malak was…here with me… yet distant, removed… and yet nowhere at all. _

_"Revan will come for me, and I will either kill him or he will kill me. Either way," that rasping voice continued, gloating, "you will be left with nothing. Your lovers circle each other like warring suitors, but now they both detest you."_

_"Never…" interrupted the soft, deep voice._

_"What an irony," continued the cold, metallic voice, overriding the other, "that finally your lovers should fight over you and yet one has forgotten you and the other has no heart to give you. Ah, the twisted workings of the Force!" And then the voice suddenly shifted, turning hard, probing, backed by a dark, unforgiving, searching Force. "How do I defeat him Xi Lan? Help me Xi Lan. Get your revenge! How do I kill Revan who betrayed you, who betrayed me?"_

_"You can't," said the soft voice. _Which one was Malak? Was he insane, split? What had happened to him?

_"You can't," I echoed. "If you are Malak, then to kill Revan would be like cutting off your arms. It would destroy you."_

_"Bah, that's already been done. Tell me, you damn harlot, how do I kill him?"_

_"You can't," the soft voice and mine said at the same time. "No matter how powerful you are," I continued, "he will be more. It is his nature, to conquer, to win. He is power and he can never be defeated through power."_

_"Then there must be another way. What is it?" The metallic voice hammered at my brain, demanding entrance. I had no defenses, so I fled towards the darkness inside me until it could not find me. _

_"Don't tell him Xi Lan."_

_"Tell him what? I don't kn…" and then I did. What was Revan's weakness? What had he purged from himself? _Love… The love I offered him that he had cast aside in the end. The love that he had used to betray me, because I was worth less than his search for power. The love that I had truly owed to the Malak that was.

Love would undo him, and as my pain was remembered all my feeling of betrayal, and all the feelings of the others that had died at Malachor V, came rushing up from the emptiness until my eyes were red with fury. "Love," I screamed at Malak. "Love will undo him!"

_The metallic voice laughed and I realized what I had done. "Love," he repeated, his metallic voice somehow caressing the revelation. "Of course! Someone better than you, weakling. Someone strong in the Force where you were weak, stubborn and willful to mock your compliant nature, and yet vulnerable and shy. Yes…love could do it. You will have your revenge, harlot, and it will be oh so bitter. "_

_"Damn you, you…you eater of Gammorean scraps!"_

_The voice laughed again, making it into a weapon of hate and derision. "Is that the best you can do, Xi Lan? Still a Jedi, I see. All good and pristine… well I guess pristine left a long time ago," he said to more laughter. _

_"Go sit on the business end of your lightsabre! I don't know what you've done, you bastard, or what you've become, but if you kill Revan you will be a hollow shell!"_

_"Too late, Xi Lan," the voice mocked me, "too late."_

_I would have followed that voice until the end of the galaxy, to burn it with my anger and frustration until it gibbered for mercy, but I was _**pushed**_ out of the dream, the soft voicing whispering, "Wake Xi Lan, wake love." _

_"Malak?" I said again, my voice catching in my throat. And then the metallic voice chortled again. "Malak!" I shouted, my lungs bursting with my wrath._

I woke up shouting Malak's name into the cold, hard metal of Mandalorian armour, strong arms pinning me to a cold, hard table which others circled like the greedy spectators of death duels. "She sure is a handful," the man was saying. "I'm tempted to have a little fun!"

Distantly, I heard another voice say, "Julx, you fool…" but my control snapped.

"No!" I screamed and my fingers pinched nerves on the wrists that held me that made the hands let me go. _Then, a quick double blow to the head of the one that holds me and his arms slacken. Kick his thighs so that he falls on top of me and then roll him off before he gets his balance. Roll onto the ground on top of him, punching another's knee as I fall so that he stumbles. Then, roll, kick the legs out from under another person who's approaching. Roll again, another kick. Get up, step aside to let a blow pass. Grab the arm, break it at the elbow. Duck under the screaming man, push him into his fellow. Grab the stun gun he holds, duck behind him again, shoot. One, two, three. Now three are down and one I control through the pain on his broken arm. Damn them, damn all men! Need a weapon, need to kill them now! They'll never laugh at me again, never betray me!_

Then I saw another Mandalorian circling carefully towards me, keeping the body I held between him and me. He was closing fast and I couldn't find a good angle to aim my stun gun. As he got near me, I broke the knee of the man I held and pushed him into the new Mandalorian. As the Mandalorian set his friend down, I grabbed a chair and flung it at him with strength I didn't know I had. As he was knocked over, I grabbed a sword from one man's belt and tried to split his helmet with a massive blow. Luckily for him, I was not used to wielding heavy weapons and so my strike was easy to block.

He punched me in the face and as I staggered back with a broken nose, he knocked the sword out of my hand with his newly drawn one. I slipped inside his next blow, driving my shoulder into his chest with the intention of unbalancing him. I bounced off him instead, and then one of his strong arms shoved me to the far wall, where I crashed into a heap.

I leaped up, ready to fight again, but the Mandalorian didn't approach me. Instead, he raised his hands to his helmet, removed it, and then I saw a familiar face, one that I happened to like.

"Toxel! What in blazes are you doing… where the hell am I! And why were your men trying to rape me, you bastard!" I continued, spittle flying from my mouth.

"Who tried raping you?" He growled.

I looked around until I saw who had made the comment. I opened my mouth to speak, but then I saw that Mandalorian's face leering at me still and my anger exploded again. I picked up a chair to smash down on his face, but Toxel grappled my arms, pinning me to his chest.

"Let go of me, you damn thug!"

"Oh no, sister, I want to have some men left when you cool down. Now come on, give me a squeeze. That was a fine fight!"

"You bastard!" I protested as I struggled to disengage myself. I couldn't break his grip. Finally, I grew tired and I realized that he was laughing at me. My face flushed red. "Oh, just let me go."

"Xi Lan, just humour an old Mandalorian and give him a hug before he has to get his men fixed up."

So I did. It was crazy, but it felt… I don't know… it felt right. _Shit Xi Lan, what are you becoming, a crazy Mandalorian?_

"Can I get my nosed fixed now, please?" I asked plaintively, five minutes later.

Toxel grunted, and pushed me away from him. "It will be okay, I … Sith's blood, girl, what's with all the hardware?" he said, his voice gruff as he fingered some of my earrings.

"Don't ask," I sighed, finally relaxing. "Not now."


	4. Chapter 4: Truths and plots

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

* * *

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please? 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Exultant offer for those providing reviews: **to Siela Hans, Adrianna, and shermanagd, Mellyna, lacthryn18, and Brazilian Sith Lord, I gleefully extend the offer of a free termination of one person of your choice. **Unnecessary clarification**: But… don't tell the Master.

**A/N: writing in italics are characters' thoughts**

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**Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord for a wonderful beta-read and feedback. **This time he told me my original draft was "boring"…. and he was right. So I took the original content, changed it a lot, and will probably spread it out over two or three chapters with a lot of new stuff thrown in. This is the first of those. He hasn't seen this newer version, so all the blame for grammar, spelling, and other faults lie with me.

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**Chapter 4: Truths and plots**

**Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden -- _(Toxel). Two years after Xi Lan's Exile**

Once I had left Xi Lan in the care of our doctors, I headed back towards my quarters. As I walked the halls, I considered what I had seen and experienced in Xi Lan's battle with my soon-to-be-punished clan members. We Mandalorians were not naturally a reflective people, but we always thought about a past battle, to mine what we could learn from it. What I had seen during that fight between Xi Lan and my crew disturbed me, and confirmed some of my fears.

As I walked towards my quarters, some of the men tried to tease me about the hug I had given to Xi Lan, but I ignored them. That is until one of them said too much. "What the matter Toxel, forgotten how to take a woman?"

After ensuring that the idiot on the floor would get to the infirmary on time, I continued picking at the questions in front of me. I figured that I had discovered two things from watching that fight and doing battled with Xi Lan. First, my clan was woefully unprepared for a real fight against a dynamic foe. The soldiers who had been watching Xi Lan had been junior ones who had taken over from the more experienced troops from my rescue squad. Most of them had never seen active duty during our battles with the Republic, but that was no excuse, not for a Mandalorian. Simply put, I was going to put them through hell so that I didn't have to witness such a disgraceful display again.

I might have been more forgiving of those soldiers in other circumstances, and that led me to my second discovery of this day. The Xi Lan who had fought them in that room was not the same one I had met on the fields of battle on Dxun.

I think that only Xi Lan would give an old enemy a hug with the old wounds of the war still festering everywhere in the galaxy. That had been a test on my part, to see if the wild, angry woman in front of me was the same one who had laughed with me on the fields of Dxun over a request for a very short skirt, an accessible shirt, and a pair of netted stockings.

So I knew it was her, and yet …not her. She had been broken or changed in some way unique to Force sensitive. The Xi Lan on my ship had fought well but with none of the grace or skill of her predecessor. She had won that fight mostly because those inexperienced soldiers had been surprised at her ferocity. _Idiots! We'll work that out of them even if I have to expend all our precious medical supplies!_

I felt a great sadness envelop me at the loss of the old Xi Lan, one I had never felt even for the loss of my clan members. I didn't know if it was because of her specifically, or because of what we Mandalorians had lost as a people so many centuries ago. _Will we ever find them, the lost ones? Will we ever be whole again?_

* * *

**Revan's Flagship, _Purge_, orbiting Plidd planet. -- (Revan) 2 ½ years after Xi Lan's exile**

Another cruiser exploded under heavy Republican fire and I gave the order to retreat. Despite my best plans and the superior training of my soldiers, we had our third battle in the last four months. While this was not many compared to seven victories, it was not good enough for me. I needed to preserve ships and men, not waste them.

That the Republic was becoming more effective did not surprise me. I had anticipated it, and on a gut level I had almost wanted it to happen. What surprised me was how much they had improved over a very short time. What had previously been disorganized and disheartened forces were now fighting as well… no, even better than my battle-hardened troops.

It wasn't the presence of the Jedi. They had been there from the start and I knew the limits of what they could do. I had looked at the leaders, to see if a new one had emerged around which the troops were rallying. I did not find one however, although several competent soldiers from my Republican army were scattered throughout their fleet.

Besides, I could tell that it wasn't the strategy of the Republican forces that was causing me trouble. Nothing the enemy forces did over the course of their winning battles demonstrated the cunning required to defeat me at that level.

_It isn't Xi Lan. _I had investigated that possibility earlier. Malak and I had personally participated in a raid on a boarded Republican ship. After that battle, I knew that it wasn't her. Those troops had fought bravely and with great coordination, but they fought with the same old Republican fighting techniques.

_What would make an army stop losing its heart? What would instill courage and conviction into them so swiftly and easily? _And then I thought, _maybe I'm taking my own army for granted. Are my soldiers fighting as well as they should?_

And then I knew. I realized what the answer was and I smacked my face mask in genuine self-disgust. _Bastila Shan, the precocious young Jedi who is a child no longer. She must be almost 20 by now. She must be using her battle meditation. Damn it Revan, why didn't you think of her sooner? _

I explored inside my head for a while, searching for evidence that the Jedi had somehow fogged my mind, but I found nothing. The cold, hard truth was that I had simply never considered her a serious threat. I had been blinded by my own power and prejudices. In my arrogance, I had assumed that no other Jedi had the ability to compete with me on this scale. Now I knew someone could. Bastila Shan. I played with her name on my tongue and realized that I was smiling. _Finally, a challenge!_

Everything rational about me worried about the extra lives and resources that would be lost fighting in the upcoming year, but the core of me was pleased nonetheless. Life had been too boring without a worthy foe. _Let's see if you can be one, Bastila. I look forward to the day when we meet face-to-face. Until then, let's see how effective you can be now that the secret is out. _

A week later, I staged multiple, smaller attacks on 10 different worlds. Half of them were feints and, of the five serious attacks, four met softer resistance as the Republican fleet scrambled to defend each planet. When the fifth fleet had found itself enmeshed in a losing battle, it had immediately pulled back just as I had ordered it too. Its losses were heavy, but offset by the victories on the other planets.

Two weeks later, I had conquered the two planets I really wanted while diverting the Republican forces with bigger attacks on other worlds. These two planets each had significant industrial capacity that I had wanted to protect from the ravages of war. I had also reduced my losses, although several attacks resulted in heavy losses. By the pattern of the Republic's successes, I could tell that they were frantically moving Bastila around, trying to anticipate where she could be most effective. _Let's see how long you last under such pressure, Jedi. _

* * *

**(Malak)**

After receiving the latest battle reports, Revan walked languidly over to the window looking into space. I waved the officers out of the room and took my usual waiting position, stretching my much larger body over his chair at the end of the table.

"Still dreaming of taking my position, Malak?"

"I am what you taught me to be, _Master_."

Revan laughed softly at my response. I knew that he no longer considered me a threat, and the anger of that indignity burned in me. He knew it too. On another day, he would have found some ways to remind me of it, but not today. This time, his thoughts focused on Bastila Shan. He had seen pictures of her recently, ones that I had provided from our spies. I knew that he gazed at them frequently when he thought no one was looking. Because I was not a threat, he forgot how closely I could follow his feelings. He forgot how well I knew him.

And so now, his thoughts turned to Bastila, powerful and bewitchingly beautiful. Where Xi Lan had been kind and self-effacing, Bastila was proud and unobtainable. Bastila was bait I knew Revan could not resist. I knew he would fall for her and so fall with her.

_You can feel me plotting against you Revan, but you expect a straightforward approach from me. You think I will attack you like the last time, after Malachor V when you cut my jaw off. In this, you are blinded by you long past with me, forgetting that I am no longer the man you know, no longer the one who attacked you so foolishly because of what you did to his "girlfriend." _

_The part of me that was honorable is gone now, sucked into the maelstrom that resides inside Xi Lan because I was bonded to her. I can still feel that part of my past self, but I follow my own path now. Now there is only me, Malak the Apprentice to the Sith Lord Revan. This I has no honor, no shame to stop me from pursuing indirect routes to victory. I am more than willing to let another's blade strike you down Revan. I am counting on it._

* * *

**Toxel's chambers, Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden_ . --(Xi Lan) 2 ½ years after Xi Lan's exile**

"Sit down Xi Lan," Toxel said, waving me towards a simple chair opposite his. I started towards the seat, but then I noticed a tray of various meats on a nearby table. I hesitated for a moment, my stomach growling in hunger. Then, realizing that Toxel _was_ a Mandalorian, I casually strolled over and grabbed a handful of the meats, which I brought to my seat. I thought I saw him nod approvingly, but it was so hard to tell with those helmets they always seemed to wear.

"Do you Mandalorians ever take off those damned helmets?" I asked, my voice more cutting than I had meant it to be. "Sorry, it's just that I'm getting tired of dealing with people whose faces I can't see, even one I like." These past six months, I had felt eyes on me everywhere I went. The only things that seemed to stir Mandalorians was training for battle, telling battle stories, and scrutinizing every inch of my body. They fed on it with their hungry eyes and hidden dreams, and the only way I could escape was to hide in my room, work on the repairs they gave me to do and create jewelry.

Toxel didn't say anything; instead he just took off his helmet and gave me that big, challenging grin of his. It was nice to see his rugged face in place of cold steel. Perhaps another time I might have felt a flutter in my heart, but I had no room for such feelings now.

"I would like to thank you for the equipment and the working space. I hope my repairs have proved sufficient." I didn't add the part about how I'd modified some of the equipment to continue working on the jewelry. It was something that I needed to maintain my sanity, but I didn't think a Mandalorian would understand. Later, I discovered that I was wrong in this assumption. "What did you want to talk with me about?"

"It's time that you started working on your fighting skills again. Report to the training rooms at first bell tomorrow morning." As he spoke, his gaze wandering down to my chest. It was something that Mandalorians seemed unable to resist doing, and I folded my arms across my bosom instinctively, as if that would reduce the discomfort I felt. _Will I ever get used to this? _Before I could speak, Toxel spoke up again.

"And do something about those breasts, they are getting too distracting," he continued, pointing towards them. "You know, they were much smaller when we met on Dxun."

I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks, and I was torn between embarrassment, anger, and a surprising pride. When I was younger, I had resigned myself many years ago to being "trim." The constant badgering and hungry eyes of the Mandalorians, however, had awakened me to the fact that my body had grown curves.

At first, I had thought that the changes were due to my lack of training, and I had started some light exercise routines again. The changes had continued, however, slow but apparently unstoppable. I wondered how long they had been going on for. I did not know when they would stop either, but I could not help being a little pleased with the current results. Even if it meant having to put up with Mandalorian scrutiny.

"So, how long have you been pregnant?" he asked, and the glass of water I had been holding crashed to the floor.

"What… what are you talking about?" I must have looked the sight, because Toxel burst out laughing, his fist pounding the helmet on his lap repeatedly.

"You mean you don't know? What kind of woman are you? Did they teach you nothing at Jedi School or whatever you call it?"

"I'm...I'm not pregnant, you deluded cannock! I've not made love to anyone in over three years." Then I slapped my hand over my mouth in shock. _So much for keeping that secret, _I thought_. Then again, who would care now?_

"Ha, so much for the pristine Jedi," he said, standing up and striding quickly over to me. "Xi Lan, look at you. See how your proportions have changed, how you have gained weight, here, here, and here," he continued, poking me on my belly, my thighs, and my breasts as I vainly tried to protect them from his prodding finger. "Now I've seen pregnant women from over 30 different human races in my time, and each of them showed these same signs. I can even smell it on you," and I remembered that Mandalorians had a very acute sense of smell. "Are you sure that the shopkeeper didn't jump you at some point?"

"Yes!" I barked, pushing him back into his seat with my foot. "You must be wrong. The different humans races give birth around six to fifteen months after conception." I had almost failed the biology courses, but I remembered that.

"_Most _human races do that, but there are recorded exceptions. The Echani take four months, for example, and the Miraluka carry a baby for over two years."

"It's been three years and look at me!" I said, standing up and pulling open my jacket. He did, slowly with a self-satisfied smirk. _Bastard! _I thought, but a part of me enjoyed it too. "Going by my looks, I could be no more than a couple of months pregnant. It's been _three years_. You do the math!"

"I _may _be wrong, but get yourself tested. My nose has never let me down."

"I'm. Not. Getting. Tested." With each word, I jabbed my finger in his chest, returning the favour from before. "Can your worn-out ears hear what I'm saying? No. Never. It's not going to happen just because you can't tell the difference between a pregnant women and the stale smell of your own armor!"

"Suit yourself, but either way, you are starting training tomorrow or you're moving in here as my concubine. Because that's the only possible role for a woman on this ship who doesn't train. Got it?"

"Concubine! In your dreams!"

"Every night." Again that smirk. "While it would be fun, I suggest that you try the training first. I like my women fit."

I was so mad, I knew I had to get out of there. I turned away from him, and strode out the door. On the way to my room, I picked up a practice sword.

* * *

**One week later-- (Xi Lan**) 

"What are you doing Xi Lan? Get up and fight!" Toxel stood over me as I lay on the floor, his face red with anger.

"Leave me alone." My arms felt like they were going to fall off and my body ached with the bruises he had inflicted on me in the last 20 minutes. I was frustrated with my inability to fight and sick with fear. I had expected to struggle somewhat, but I had never expected it to be this bad.

"Don't give up. If you do, then I'm putting you into the nearest airlock and flipping the switch, _honey_, because I'm not interested in carting around some teary-eyed, whimpering Jedi who has forgotten which end of the sword to hold."

His face was hard, but I could see the disappointment there too, so I grabbed his extended hand and hauled myself to my feet. Instead of letting go as I expected, though, Toxel pulled me to some seats in the corner, grabbing two water bottles on the way.

"Tell me," he said as we sat down.

"I'm not used to these heavy meat cleavers you Mandalorians use," I started, rubbing my arms. Toxel grunted, then waited for me to say more. When I didn't continue right away, he held out one of the water bottles.

I took the bottle he held out to me and drank from it, using the time to gather my thoughts. Should I tell him? Did I even know what to say, how to describe what had happened to me? _Can I trust him?_ In the end, it was an easy choice. Even though he was a former enemy and a cold-blooded warrior, even though my Jedi senses were gone, I knew it was the right thing to do.

As I told what I knew about that fateful day, he listened carefully, only asking a few questions to clarify some details. I told him what our plan had been, how Revan had never shown up, and how I had tried to save our fleet. I told him of the horrors of all those Mandalorian and Republican deaths, and how they had somehow come to reside in me along with the darkness that the Mass Shadow Generator had released that day.

"So now," I finished, "I have the voices of tens of thousands Mandalorian warriors, Republican soldiers and perhaps even some of the people who were on the planet, in my head, all running around trying to tell me what to do. So when you strike at me, different parts of me tell me to strike, dodge left, twist right, run, push you with the Force, and many more, all at the same time. I don't remember how I, Xi Lan, fight. I don't even know if it's me speaking right now or some other soul rattling around in my head."

"It seemed unusual that Revan did not show up."

"Yes... I believe... no, I'm sure of it. He betrayed me." _There, I've said it._

"We knew about the supposed plan."

"So he set us all up then," I said, my voice dripping with bitterness. "Why did you come to Malachor if you knew it was a trap?"

"Because we never believed that Revan would sacrifice you. We wanted to draw him into battle with our full fleet and we reckoned this was the best opportunity. We knew our chances were slim, even though we hadn't counted on the device of yours."

"The Mass Shadow Generator," I whispered. "He knew that you wouldn't be able to pass this opportunity up."

He shrugged his shoulders then, his face more calm than I would have expected. "We knew that our only chance to win the war was to kill Revan. So, when we heard about this plan of his, we decided to spring the trap so that he would be drawn in. We never anticipated that he would leave you unprotected. He got us all that day," he continued, slapping the metal bench with his palm. "What a genius!"

"You admire him for that?" I yelled, standing up.

"We believe keeping our word is a strength, making us better warriors and more able to achieve victory, but that is our choice. We should know better that to assume others will make the same choice. We came to believe that you Jedi were too noble to betray one another, especially when it came to Revan and you. He sure showed us!" Toxel said, slapping the bench again. "He reminded us never to take anything for granted. It was a lesson we needed to learn again."

I had no immediate response to this, so I stood there, my arms rigid by my side while my mind tried to come to grasp with Toxel's calm acceptance of Revan's treachery.

"Sit down Xi Lan. If you get any redder, your head will probably explode."

"Sit down on this Toxel," I said, pushing my sword in his face. When he just smiled at me, I flung my sword across the room, and stood there with my hands on my hips.

"Do you know what happened next, how the war ended?"

I was torn between listening to the rest of the story and bolting from the room. I chose to bolt, but then I found that my legs would not move. I was too weak and, damn me, too curious to obey common sense. So I sat down and leaned against the wall with my eyes closed as he continued his tale.

"You mean it didn't end at Malachor V?"

"It ended with the duel between the Mandalore and Revan, two days later, on Malachor III. The Mandalore and I had stayed out of the battle, along with a small detachment of our best destroyers. This is one of them by the way," he said, jerking a thumb at the walls. "We were waiting not too far away, ready to attack Revan's flagship when he sprung his trap. So we were out of range when that weapon of yours went off."

"Shortly after the Mass Shadow Generator was triggered, Revan sent a message to our fleet, telling us to surrender ourselves. As we thought about what to do, we realized that Revan had surrounded us, blocking of all hyperspace routes."

"I argued that we should just charge the fleet and hope that we could ram Revan's ship, but the Mandalore overruled me. "I will give him what he wants," he said, "and find our honor in it." Two days later, the Mandalore had negotiated our surrender under three conditions. One, that half the remaining soldiers would be allowed to take small ships and scatter across the universe. Two, that my clan and I be allowed to leave with this ship you're on right now. Let me tell you that I argued against this with everything that I had, but Mandalore insisted that I survive to carry on the lore of our people. He didn't want that to die."

"A Mandalore's Champion is also responsible for much of the secret knowledge of our people," Toxel explained when he saw my brows furrow, "one of only a few. And before you ask, the identity of the others is not for me to tell."

I had not planned to, so I closed my eyes again and nodded at him to continue.

"The third condition was that Revan agree to meet the Mandalore in a duel of leaders. Revan accepted immediately. Ah Xi Lan, you would have loved to see that fight, it was glorious!" Toxel's eyes shone as he described how Revan and the Mandalore had met on a mountain plateau on Malachor III. "It was a glorious spot, rugged and harsh like a Mandalorian heart. The Mandalore knew he couldn't win, but he wanted to demonstrate for Revan once and for all the true spirit of a Mandalorian. He fought like a real hero, putting everything on the line to wrest victory against all odds."

"Somehow, I think the Mandalore always knew that he would meet Revan in battle. He had prepared for the fight for over two months, training his mind to resist Jedi trickery and equipping his armor with wires that would divert energy to the ground. And it worked, for a little while. He managed to wound Revan several times before Revan managed to lift him off the ground with his Force. Oh, Revan was mad let me tell you! He literally crushed the Mandalore in his armor while holding him up there, 10 feet above the ground.

"Then he took the Mandalore's helmet. I asked for it, but he said, "It's for another." Well, the Mandalore had told me to survive at all costs, so I let that slip. After that, Revan had all our Basilisk droids and warships destroyed, except mine, and then he kept his two other promises. It was a good end to the war."

I didn't know what to say so, after a few moments silence, I picked up my practice sword and headed back to the ring.

* * *

**(Toxel)**

It was an incredible tale that Xi Lan told, and one hard for an old warrior like myself to digest. Life was a lot simpler when one just thought about modifying rifles, drilling troops, and staving off younger challengers. While I watched her practice swinging the sword, I thought about her story and what it meant.

To start, the tale involved stuff that I just didn't know enough about. This whole Force thing still stunk of crazy talk, especially in her tale, but I couldn't dismiss it out of hand. I had seen Jedi fling people around with their minds as if it was effortless and had experienced it directly from Revan on Dxun. I had also seen Jedi do other incredible things: trick minds, jump great distances, and move objects with their minds and all sorts of other assorted stunts. There was too much evidence that something was happening inside their heads that we mortals could never truly understand.

Second, whether or not Xi Lan was crazy or not, I knew that she had told the truth as she believed it. So either this incredible thing had happened to her, in which case she was probably right about being able to stop the thing inside of her from killing my soldiers. Or she was mad, in which case she was only a broken-down Jedi, still a considerable threat but one that my clan could handle. Easily.

Personally, I thought she was a bit of both, but it did not matter. I still liked her, despite her new softness and bizarre story. And, though I couldn't put my finger on it, there was something about Xi Lan that drove me to protect her. It was an unusual and disturbing feeling, one that no good Mandalorian should have to feel. It had me by the balls now though, and there was nothing that I could do about it. _Not yet at least._

* * *

**Telos Jedi Academy -- (Bastila) 3 years after Xi Lan's exile**

_There is no emotion, there is peace._ I told myself that again and again, but it could not take away the growing anger and determination I felt. _I'm going to find you, Revan, and put an end to all this. I don't know how yet, but I will find a way_. Revan had been playing with us these last six months, distracting us with multiple attacks and feints using what seemed to be an endless supply of ships.

We still won more battles than we had before, but it wasn't enough. He was wearing us down and there seemed to be nothing that I --_ no Bastila, "we." Don't get arrogant._ There was nothing we could do to stop it. I could only be in one place at a time to help and Revan obviously knew it. _We need to do something else, something unexpected. We need to..._

"We need to capture him," I said, interrupting Master Vrook. My face flushed in embarrassment at my slip, but I continued anyway. "Or if that's not possible, to kill him. There is no other way."

"You speak out of turn, _Padawan_," said Master Vrook, his famous scowl deepening as he turned to regard me.

"Seen many battles, she has. Learn from her, we might."

"We can not risk it, Vandar. We have lost too many Jedi already to Revan's treachery and assassinations. How do we know he isn't influencing her right now."

"If gone he is, break apart the Sith fleet might."

Master Kavar spoke then. "I agree with Master Vrook, at least for now. It will be very hard to track down Revan's ship. He's always on the move and he never concentrates his fleet in one place so we don't even know where to start. Until we find out where he will be, an attack on him is doomed to failure."

"Perhaps we can lay a trap ourselves," spoke Master Zez Kai-El. Master Zez Kai-El struck me as one of the few Masters who truly epitomized the Jedi ideal. There was a humbleness and awareness about him, I felt, that the other Masters, excluding Master Vandar, did not have. Not for the first time, I wished that I had been assigned to train under him rather than her other teachers on Dantooine. _No, Bastila, _I reprimanded myself, _you should respect the Masters. They see things you do not._

"And how would we do that?" Master Vrook asked.

"I think it's clear, is it not, that our current course will only end in disaster. And the Force tells me that this is the only way." I silently agreed with him, but other voices spoke up against the idea.

"Feel it, I do not," said Master Vandar.

"Nor I," agreed Master Vrook.

Most of the other Jedi Masters also agreed until Master Kavar spoke. "I think that we should not let the fact that we have not felt this same sense of the future cloud us to the possible wisdom of Master Zez Kai-El and Padawan Bastila." I felt my face heat as Master Kavar indicated me along with Master Zez Kai-El. "We should keep an open mind to this possibility and see where the Force guides us."

As Master Kavar finished, I found myself nodding to his diplomatic solution. As I did so, I caught Master Vrook frowning at me. I think he expected me to look down right away, but I could not. My trained half admonished me to be humble, but I was still too proud to let that insufferable man win too easily. _Beware arrogance Bastila, for it leads to the dark side_, I tried to tell myself, but I just couldn't suppress the feeling that I was right. _Revan and I are destined to meet. When that time comes, I will not fail._

* * *

**Malak's flagship, _Triumphant_. -- (Malak) 3 years after Xi Lan's exile**

It was almost time. I could feel the forces gathering. _Soon, you will fall, my Master._

I had been sending partial copies of Revan's plans to certain Republican intelligence officers for the past two months. I told them that I was a disgruntled Sith officer who wanted to see the Republic win. The Republic hadn't believed me, of course, but over time they would see that the intelligence I was giving them was accurate. Then they would ask me to tell them where Revan would be, and I would. They would go after him with everything they had, including Bastila. I knew she would face him, and that he would fall.

We would lose a lot of men along the way, but what did I care?


	5. Chapter 5: Confrontation

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

* * *

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please? 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Exultant offer for those providing reviews: **to all reviewers, I once again gleefully extend the offer of a free termination of one person of your choice. **Unnecessary clarification**: But… don't tell the master.

* * *

Kathleen: thank for the comparison between the two parts of my story. If you figure out something else that you can put your finger on, please let me know here or by email. Also, I'm glad you like the Malak and Xi Lan characters. That means a lot to me to hear. 

Adrianna: vis-à-vis Toxel and Xi Lan, see below.

Siela Hans: _"…I thought that the only time possible for her to get pregnant was with Atton U anyway..." _What about Mical? (Heh, heh,….) And what is "U" ?

* * *

**Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord for a wonderful beta-read and his previous review.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Confrontation**

* * *

**Xi Lan's chambers, Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden_ -- (Xi Lan). 3 years, 2 months after Xi Lan's exile.**

It was hard to believe that I had been with Toxel's clan for over a year now. We had spent about half the time traveling on his destroyer, the other half circling planets beyond the Outer Rim. No one knew what Toxel was looking for exactly. When asked, he just told his clan members that "We will know when we find it."

When we orbited a planet, Toxel spent almost all of his time on the surface coordinating the teams of Mandalorian searchers. Some of the men grumbled at times, but many of the worlds sported harsh climates and ferocious beasts. These worlds provided enough challenge for the Mandalorians to let out their natural bloodthirstiness.

Toxel forbade me to join the search parties, and I was not inclined to do so anyway. I had no desire to kill anything right now, at least not without compelling reasons. There was enough death on my hands without adding to the tally.

Instead, I spent much of the time learning about the Mandalorians and their culture, repairing the droids and other machinery they brought me, making jewelry, and trying to learn how to fight again. The latter was by far the most frustrating.

One month ago, during another of our training sessions, Toxel had become furious with my lack of progress. "You were such a good fighter, Xi Lan! Stop moping around and get to it, girl! I'm sick of pushing you around the ring like some novice!"

"You know why I struggle, you old fart! These voices aren't going away, at least not most of them, and…"

Toxel reached out and grabbed me then, lifting me off the ground by my arms so that my feet dangled. "Then just tell them to shut the fuck up!" he roared, shaking me.

"Don't you think I've tried? It never works, not unless I, no I and all or most of the people inside me, get really angry or scared."

"So what are you then, a Sith?" The scorn with which he had asked that question had been like acid, burning away the layers of avoidance and self-forgetting that I had used to bury my own doubts on this matter.

"No, never!"

"Xi Lan…"

"Okay, fine! Maybe? I don't know, have I killed you out of spite yet? Have I let my anger at all the wandering eyes and crude remarks control me? I see you're still standing Toxel, and your balls, according to popular rumor anyway," and I had reinforcing my point by trying to poke his groin with my sword, "are still alive, attached, and functional. So what do you think?"

"I think you should forget this fighting business and shack up in my room, you useless twit," he responded, his bushy eyebrows waggling as he returned me to the floor. "It would be…" and then Toxel had paused and his face turned thoughtful. For a long while he just stood there, his hands still gripping my arms while his eyes followed a line of thought I could not follow. Just when I was about to start hopping around with impatience, Toxel's eyes once again focused on mine.

"You know," he said slowly, his face abnormally serious. "I think we've been making a mistake all along. We have been working to recapture your old fighting style, but all that does is bring in all the other styles floating around in your head. I think… I think you need to forget everything and start anew."

"What do you mean?" My heart had quickened with hope, for there was something about his suggestion that seemed, well… _right_. I grabbed his arms and tried to shake him back, but he was too damn big! "How would I do that?"

"I think you need to work on fighting with an empty mind. The best way to do that is to learn from scratch. Maybe you could try training in something that you have never studied before. Like, I think, a blaster."

"A blaster… Yes, that might work. Oh Toxel, thank you!" I jumped into his arms and squeezed him as tightly as I could.

"Get off me with your silly displays, girl," Toxel shouted, peeling me off him like a set of wet clothes. "Get yourself a blaster and I will get some of the boys to show you which end to point. Now move your ass, Jedi!" he ended, turning my shoulders around and slapping my butt. I left him with a stinging jaw and a smile on my face.

That day, I started training with blasters. I was terrible with them, but as I concentrated on learning what to do with them, looking outwards for techniques rather than inwards, I found I could train with significantly fewer internal distractions. I tried to continue training with the vibrosword, but that remained difficult. So, after another month, I picked up one of the large two-handed axes that Toxel's clan seemed to favor and used that to train. It was much heavier than anything I had wielded before, but it required a different set of skills and techniques than the vibrosword or lightsaber, so I found it nearly as useful as the blaster for learning how to fight again.

* * *

**Republican ship, _Harbinger_ -- (Bastila). 3 ½ years after Xi Lan's exile **

"Republican spies were contacted by a Sith officer over 8 months ago," Master Kavar told the assembled Masters. I was standing behind Master Vrook at the time. "They've tested his reliability thoroughly, making sure that he wasn't trying to trap us and they are convinced that the source is sound."

"And…" said Master Vrook.

"We know where Revan will be in a week from now. I think it's time to put Master Zez Kai-El and Bastila's plan into action."

"Are you so certain this is not a trap?"

"Trap it is," Master Vandar interrupted gently, "but not for us, I think."

"This is what I feel too," Master Zez Kai-El agreed.

"It is too risky," Master Vrook persisted. He glanced back quickly at me, his face suspicious as if I had to something to do with this situation.

"Can you think of a plan more likely to save us from defeat?" Master Kavar asked.

Looking angry, Master Vrook responded that he could not, and so the Council began planning for how we would capture Revan. I heard not a word of that planning, for my mind and imagination ranged ahead to the time that Revan and I would meet. I had seen a glimpse of it in the Force, though I could not pinpoint what the outcome would be. Many times in my visions and dreams, Revan fell, although I could not see who struck the blow. Other times, Revan was brought back to the Light. And sometimes, it felt as if I would fall, not to death but to the dark side.

I shivered as I recalled those visions, and recited the Code over and over again in my head while the Masters plotted our confrontation.

* * *

**Xi Lan's chambers, Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden_ -- (Xi Lan). 3 ½ years after Xi Lan's exile.**

"Mmm… what time is it Toxel?" I said, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes with one hand while trying to hold my shirt together with another. I had jumped out of my bed when I heard the knock on my door, shaken out of a deep sleep full of chaotic dreams and whispering voices.

"It's 0300, now let me in before someone sees me with this chair."

Well, when a dangerous man twice your size knocks on your door in the middle of a night wearing armor and a vibrosword with a colorful chair held in two massive fists, what was a girl to do? Smiling as much as anyone could when they were still half-asleep, I moved out of the way so that Toxel could enter her room.

"Why are you bringing a chair to my room at this time, Toxel?" I asked as I closed the door.

Taking his helmet off, Toxel's gaze traveled down my body before slowly making its way back up to my face. "You are looking much better now. The training has certainly improved your conditioning, although your blaster and axe skills still leave much to be desired."

No longer bothered the frank appraisal of Mandalorians, I waved him to take a seat but he ignored me. "The chair?" I reminded him when his eyes threatened to wander again.

"Here," he said, thrusting the chair towards me, "try it out. I think you will like it."

"Hold on a moment." I almost laughed when I saw the look of disappointment cross Toxel's face as I buttoned my shirt up.

"Do all Jedi sleep without their clothes?"

"I wouldn't know." Accepting the chair, I turned it around. The structure of the chair was made from some kind of off-white colored material that had been carefully polished. A design had been carved into the material, with furrows and ridges that were both pleasing to touch and suggestive of complex patterns just beyond grasp. The chair felt warm despite the cold of the ship, and the designs teased my hands with subtle sensations. "Bone?" I asked.

"A maalraas. It's a predator on Dxun," he added unnecessarily.

The chair seat was covered in a colorful cloth that had been weaved into some kind of complex design. I could not discern a picture or pattern of any kind though, so I looked at Toxel again and raised an eyebrow.

"Sit in it," Toxel waving his hand at the chair impatiently. I was surprised to see his cheeks had turned a little red. Before I could look back into his eyes, Toxel turned away, pretending to look at some of the jewelry I had made that lined my shelves. _Does he care for me?_ I was not ready to pursue that line of thought, so I put the chair down and sat in it.

As my bare legs touched the cloth, I realized that the material on the chair was of a texture I had never felt before. My fingers itched to touch the material and the rest of the chair, so I let them have their way. I lost myself in the sensations of it. I don't know how much time passed when Toxel's voice startled me back into awareness.

* * *

**(Toxel)**

As I watched Xi Lan run her long hands along the chair, I felt a deep shiver run the length of my back. Sometimes she would use her fingertips, sometimes her palms, but always her hands were moving in this slow dance across the material, onto the bone structure, and back again. It was incredibly sexy to watch, especially because Xi Lan seemed to be unaware of the impact it had on others.

I had done my research over the years and I knew that Xi Lan was a sucker for touch-based sensations. I had obtained the material for the seat of the chair from the ruins of Re'cha, a planet we had conquered just before invading the Republic. I knew that many found its texture to be truly unique. I was sure that she would like it.

I wanted her to really appreciate the gift, so I settled in the nearby chair while she explored the chair with her hands. At first, the wait was quite pleasurable as I let my eyes roam over Xi Lan's body. Most of the softness had been replaced by muscle, even more than she had sported as a Jedi. _That's what comes from swinging a real weapon for a change, _I thought smugly.

Her hair was black like deep space and very long, much longer than before. As a Jedi, she had pinned it close to her skull, but now she seemed to let it hang loose down her back. Like her long hair, her jewelry was a striking anomaly for one who was supposed to be a warrior. And yet, there was something exotic about it too, for all its excess.

My appreciation and consideration of Xi Lan's body could only entertain me for so long though and twenty minutes later, I realized that my patience was at an end. I had to laugh at myself. _Sometimes, Toxel, women are impossible to understand._ _I wonder if Mandalorian women would be any easier... Sith's entrails for breakfast, Toxel, don't follow that route!_ To tear my mind away from that ancient tragedy, the one that few Mandalorians today knew about, I decided to hasten things along.

"Girl, will you stop making love to that chair and give this old warrior some attention?" I drawled, my voice a bit husky.

Xi Lan sighed as she lifted her hands from the chair. "It's an incredible material," she said. "What's it made of?"

"How the hell would I know? We looted it from one of the planets, Re'cha, which we conquered just before going to war against the Republic."

"The chair?"

"No, the material."

"So where did the chair come from?"

"From Dxun. Weren't you paying attention girl?"

"I mean, who made it? Who carved these wonderful designs?" Her fingers returned to the chair and I could not help but feel a flush of pride at her obvious appreciation of the chair. It was an unusual feeling for an old warrior from me.

"What does it matter? Do you like it?"

"Why won't you tell me that you made the chair, Toxel?" she said, her eyes sparkling merrily.

_Shit, _I swore to myself. _Women. One moment as dense as a Gamorrean, the next they seem to see into your skull. Even this broken, former Jedi or whatever else she is. _

"Don't tell anyone!" I snapped hurriedly. _There is only so much shame that a beating can erase._ Xi Lan immediately burst out laughing, and I realized that it was the first time I had seen her really laugh during the whole year and a half that she had spent with us. It saddened me. Mandalorians are a harsh people, our jokes hard and rough, but we laugh a lot among ourselves.

After several minutes, I started tapping my fingers on my chair and Xi Lan managed to stop chortling at me, although her face was still lit by a bright smile and the tracks of tears. "So what's the catch?" she asked me. "You know I have to have this chair, what do you want for it?"

"Well, before we talk any more about the chair, maybe you should take a look at one more thing. Once you've done that, tell me which one you would rather have."

"Another gift? You've been busy," she said as I reached into the large pouch around my waist. Then I pulled out my second surprise and I heard her sharp intake of breath. When I looked up, the smile was gone from Xi Lan's face.

"Where did you get that?" she asked, but then she held up her hand to cut off my response. "No, don't tell me, I can guess."

I waited patiently as Xi Lan considered the lightsaber in my hand. It was one of several that I had gained during the war from fallen Jedi. I knew very little about lightsabers, so I really couldn't say how good its quality was. However, I suspected that the quality of any lightsaber was likely to be fairly high.

Her eyes wide like a frightened child, Xi Lan slowly extended her left hand towards the lightsaber. It paused for a moment just short of the lightsaber, and then she tenderly laid her fingertips on the shaft. Then she let out the breath she was holding and gently raised the lightsaber from my hand.

"Could I wield it now without the Force, I wonder?" she asked, I think to herself. I certainly could not provide that answer. Then, a small, self-depreciating smile crept up her lips. "If you had offered this to me earlier, perhaps I would not have needed to struggle with those heavy meat cleavers of yours." I grunted at her joke, but my gaze did not leave her eyes, and so I saw the sadness there that belied the lightness in her voice.

"Look at all that hardware you keep pinning to your body. Without the exercise from training, you wouldn't have been able to get out of bed soon." I'm not sure if Xi Lan heard me, even though she nodded her head. Her attention now seemed to be wholly focused on the lightsaber she held in her hand. Then she shook her head and extended the lightsaber back to me. I took it and put it away.

"So you truly believe you are no longer a Jedi, then?"

"Yes," she said, her gaze far away. I noticed her hands stealing out towards the chair again, which they stroked almost furtively. "What am I now, besides a broken woman who makes and wears too much jewelry and plays at being a warrior?"

"You are a fine lass, if a little too bony for my tastes. You are a great mechanic, or at least a sight better than most of the ones in my clan. And while you struggle to learn how to fight again, you have a warrior's heart."

"Thank you," she said and so I knew she understood what a compliment I had just paid her. Before I knew it, she was on my lap and wrapping her arms around me. "Thank you so much," she repeated, her hot breath tickling my ear. Looking to see if the door was closed, I wrapped mine around her as well. I wondered if it was time for me to retire, because I actually enjoyed it.

After a couple of minutes, Xi Lan gently pushed away from my body and so I let go of her. Still sitting in my lap, and with a small smile returned to her eyes, she asked, "And so, I ask you again, what is the price for the chair? I would do anything for it." And then she placed her hands on either side on my face and kissed me softly on the lips.

After a moment, I took her hands in mine and lifted them from my face. She moved her head back then, and looked at me, her eyes confused and hurt even as she raised her eyebrow in question.

"I do not want to do this with you." When her face flushed red, I deliberately let my eyes roam her body again. "It certainly is tempting. But Mandalorians do not keep wives, Xi Lan. We have mistresses, usually for no more than a couple of months. They are usually spoils of war and we grow tired of them quickly. When that happens, we pass them on to someone else or drop them off on the nearest planet with some money to tide them over for a couple of months."

Xi Lan nodded, and I could see the flush in her cheeks start to recede. I was also both pleased and surprised to see that she seemed genuinely disappointed. _Who would have thought that an old and hard warrior like me could…_ But that was too maudlin for the warrior I believed myself to be, so I dismissed the question.

"I think of you as one of my family, perhaps a sister that I never had."

"Mandalorians have sisters?"

"Well, okay, how I imagine it would be like to have a sister. You know, pain in the ass, hard to understand, generally unable to do anything. Just like you."

"Bastard," she said, but a faint smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "So when you offered to marry me…?"

"Such things may be, on occasion, possible, although few Mandalorians know it."

"But you no longer desire me," she said quietly as she wrapped her arms around herself. And there was nothing I could say to that; at least nothing that I was allowed to tell her.

"Okay, Toxel, so what does it mean to be a sister to an old, grouchy Mandalorian who happens to be the most gifted maker of chairs I know?"

I was not fooled by the fake smile she now painted on her face, but I pretended to be for both our sakes. "It means that if you ever need help, I will protect you as if you were a member of my clan. It means that you get to wear that shirt, and nothing else, sit on my lap, and not get spanked. And it means that you will protect your big brother and tell no one about the chair. Better yet, you might walk out of this room later this morning looking like you've just had the best lay of your life."

"I guess this means that my sister status is unofficial."

"Pretty much. For now at least."

"So, _brother_, what _do _I have to do for that chair?"

"Ah, very perceptive of you, to not assume that the bargaining was done. It's simple, really. You must let me take a sample of your blood, no questions asked."

"Why do you want it?" she fired back immediately, her eyes growing suspicious. "I told you, I'm not getting tested!"

"I will not tell you my reasons. Choose. You have five minutes."

Xi Lan got up then and started pacing around the room for three of those minutes, (for I was counting) and then she strode over to the chair. She held it in her hands and extended it out to me. I held out my hands in turn, but waited for her to drop it in them. After a minute, Xi Lan sighed and put the chair down again, away from me.

"I think you know me too well, Toxel. I will agree on one condition."

"What is it?"

"Don't tell me the results."

I thought about that for a few minutes, running the possible implications through my mind. "First, the test is for more than that. Second, the answer is 'no.'"

"What do you mean, no!" Xi Lan yelled, stamping her foot on the metal.

"How can you not want to know if you are pregnant? Damn it woman," I slapped the table beside me, shaking the different rings, earrings, and other assorted pieces there, "with that thick skull of yours, you should have been a Mandalorian!" And then I shut my mouth, quickly. I had said too much.

She looked at me in exasperation for a few moments, her mind working, I hoped, on my refusal of her demand. "It's been over three and a half years now. Is it really even possible?"

"Is it possible to hold the voices of tens of thousands of soldiers destroyed in one deadly moment?"

She did not respond at first, her brow furrowed as she thought about the proposal. I waited until she was about to speak and then offered a small concession. "Let's try this. I will give you a datapad, since you no longer have one. The information will be on that datapad, protected by a password that I will give you at the same time. You can delay looking at that data for up to three years, but not beyond that. If the data pad is destroyed, you will get another test _immediately_ and examine its results _immediately_. As for the other information, I don't know if I will ever tell you the results, but I will if I can." I extended my right hand towards her. "Is it a deal?"

Xi Lan chewed her lip for a moment, looking at the chair I had made her. "One other condition then," she said again, and I sighed. _Women always love to bargain._ "Close your eyes," she continued, and then when I hesitated, "Trust me." So I did.

I felt her lips upon mine again, soft and moist. When I started, she shushed me softly. Then, I felt a sharp pain in my ear. Opening my eyes, I saw a smug look of satisfaction on her face as I put my hand to my ear. "An earring! What do you think I am, woman?"

"A Mandalorian bastard who just laid a Jedi. Now do we have a deal?"

"Deal," I said, extending my hand. When she placed her hand in mine, I grabbed it and took the blood sample with the device I had sneaked into my left hand. Xi Lan snorted but allowed me to take the sample. Then, she yawned and said, "Well, if you're not going to take advantage of me, let's get some sleep shall we? And since you've taken advantage of me horribly already, and since you want to be seen as having slept with the "Jedi," why don't you just join me on the bunk here and keep me warm?"

"That's acceptable."

"And Toxel?"

"Sister?"

"Take off your damned armor!"

* * *

**Aboard the Revan's flagship, the _Purge_ -- (Bastila). **

The Sith informant had proved his worth this day. Telling us not only where Revan would be but on what ship. We had met his fleet with a smaller one of our own, to not give away what we knew. While Revan was busy beating back our fleet, our small, difficult to detect Jedi vessels had emerged from behind a moon and made our way to the _Purge_.

Revan knew it as soon as we boarded his vessel of course, but we had great numbers on our sides. Because of Revan's power, we did not try to hide our presence. Instead, our teams sprinted as fast as we could towards the bridge, dispatching the few Sith soldiers who managed to organize against us.

Once, we met a small team of dark Jedi, and members of our teams separated to battle them. As the rest of us continued on, I tried to control the great sadness I felt. One of the Sith had been a childhood friend of mine, but now his face was hard and his eyes yellow. I had heard of those that had turned, but seeing it for the first time was shattering all the same. As we continued our sprint, I recited the Jedi Code in my head over and over again. _Not me_, I swore. _I will never turn_. But I feared it all the same.

* * *

**(Revan)**

I could feel them coming, their souls shining like the little sparks that rise from an open fire. They darted through my ship and there was little my forces could do to stop them. I had sent most of my dark Jedi to capture Bastila, for my spies had reported that she was on a lone ship on her way to Coruscant. Feeling Bastila's deep power approaching me now, I resolved to uncover what had gone wrong. Perhaps I would get Kreia to look into it. She was so good at creating and uncovering plots.

While I waited with my few remaining Dark Jedi bodyguards in the bridge, I thought about the confrontation to come. I found that I was a little worried about the outcome. While I was fairly sure that I was more powerful than Bastila, she had more Jedi with her than I had. _Perhaps the presence of the other Jedi will make it interesting_. I had not felt fear in a long time, and although it was slight, I found it refreshing.

* * *

**(Bastila)**

We burst into the bridge, 10 Knights and I. Four dark Jedi immediately attacked us, and I _pushed_ them away, sending them flying to the side. "Guard the door," said Gelo, one of the Knights, pointing at four of the Knights and me. I opened my mouth to protest, but then I caught myself. _Patience, Bastila_.

Two Knights dashed to deal with the two dark Jedi I had pushed away, while Gelo and the other 3 Knights fanned out to approach the dark, masked figure at the end of the bridge. His back was turned to us, displaying his apparent indifference to our approach. He was not particularly imposing physically, but the dark power that surrounded him was stronger than I had ever seen before. And yet, I saw a hint of light, almost like a shadow of the dark sun that resided in him.

I almost lost myself in that seductive aura, but I felt the Knights beside me stir, and so I turned my attention to the door.

* * *

**(Malak)**

"Commander. Jedi have boarded the Purge and are moving to kill Lord Revan. Revan is right now working his way off the ship. Target the ship and await my order to fire. He wants us to destroy it as soon as he leaves."

"Yes, my lord."

The one advantage of having a metal jaw, Malak thought, was that no one can tell when you are smiling.

* * *

**(Revan)**

The four Jedi who approached me lacked the sheer power that resided in Bastila and it angered me that such weaklings would think they posed a threat to me. Without turning around, I reached out and _pinched _the throat of their leaderHe tried to resist, but I overwhelmed his defenses as his cohort hesitated and crushed his throat.

The others jumped at me then, but I grabbed them before they could land and turned them upside down. One threw his lightsaber at me, but I merely stepped aside while I drove the them headfirst into the floor. Two died immediately, their necks broken. The other was knocked unconscious. _Perhaps I will train Bastila_,I thought distractedly.

Bastila charged from her post then, leaving her colleagues gaping in her wake. One of my dark Jedi had dispatched his opponent, and he moved to intercept Bastila before she could reach me. Their lightsabers met in a quick flurry of strokes, but Bastila quickly overcame him. _I will have to train the next batch better_, I thought. _To do that, I will need to find an instructor better than myself or Malak. Perhaps I will track down Xi Lan after all, and give her an offer she can't refuse._

"You can not win, Revan!" Bastila said. Her victory over the last of my dark Jedi seemed to have emboldened her compatriots for their finally moved to her side.

I turned around then, unsheathing my lightsaber. I drew my power to me, until I was ready to burst from it, and I saw the eyes of the Jedi widen, except for Bastila's that is. As I watched, she also drew the Force to her, until it seemed that she had a light sun in her to rival the dark one in me. It was intoxicating!

As they moved to surround me, I waved my sword around as we Jedi tend to do, but my attention was really on Bastila. Her hair was brown, which was not a color I normally favor, but her nose was straight and strong, her body full and well displayed by her particular tight robes. It was her eyes, though, that truly captured me. That and the true-fire of her heart and her power.

Her blue eyes crackled with intensity, cutting through the darkness in me like the sharpest of knives. I wondered what they would look like if she desired me and I felt my desire stir in a way it had never done before, a desire born not of youthful infatuation but of a response to one's match. As for her heart, the power of it and the Force it contained, sang of determination and purpose beyond the self. It was much like my own.

And all of a sudden I felt myself swept up in longing, to live a life free of treachery and grand plots and deep responsibility. I found myself considering giving up my power, leaving the world behind to sort itself out. A part of me, which I thought had been lost, wanted a piece of happiness with another. Here she was and all of the plans and strategies that I had made meant nothing. What was purpose when it set me against one such as her?

And then I realized what a clever plot Malak, or whoever was helping him, had concocted and I chuckled to myself. _Two surprises in one day, Revan_. _You must be slipping_.

_Malak? _I reached out with my Force.

_Master?_

_Well played, well played indeed. _

_Thank Xi Lan_, he responded, his satisfaction finally revealed.

_Three surprises then_, I thought, marveling, but before I could think about the implications of Xi Lan's betrayal, the turbolasers flew toward my ship …towards the bridge where Bastila and I faced each other across the deadly light of our lightsabers. I couldn't let her die, and so I took all of my power, everything I had and beyond, and used it to shield the bridge. I deflected the bolts, but it was too much for me and I fell, slipping into unconsciousness. As I was embraced by a warm darkness so unlike the sibilant whispering of the dark side, the image of two fiery, blue eyes burned into my mind.

* * *

**Xi Lan's chambers, Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden_ -- (Toxel). **

Xi Lan had slipped off to sleep 15 minutes ago, but now she was whimpering as if in the grip of some dark dream. I thought to waken her, but finally did not. She had to face her demons. So I though instead of what had happened this night.

It was an unusual thing that I had just done, something I never would have expected. I had come this night to lay claim to her, to marry her, but at the end I found that I could not do it. Everything that was in me had, at the crucial moment, told me that taking her was the wrong thing to do. _She was pregnant, _my gut had screamed at me, though that had never mattered before.

Still, I knew then that my job was to protect her and the baby I was sure she carried. It was not the Mandalorian way and yet it felt so true to me as a Mandalorian. It was a contradiction between what I thought I was and my true self and I needed to understand the dimensions of it. I had to find the Wise Women on one of these worlds I searched.

And if I want Xi Lan unharmed, I realized, I had to get her off the ship. For the Wise Women were dangerous and unpredictable. It was there decree that had caused our fall from grace and I would not let them harm her. Better she and the child died than go there.


	6. Chapter 6: Discoveries and Denials

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

* * *

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please? 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Expressed disbelief: **no meatbags have taken up my offer for free assassinations. Was the offer too complex for you? Should I state it more clearly? **Confused reflection**: I don't know why I'm not in this silly, sentimental story yet. **Sudden understanding**: Perhaps this is why many of you do not review this piece. I will endeavour to convince the Master to include me soon. **Satisfied sigh**: Then, there will be a commencement of hostilities.

* * *

Trillian4210: Wow! Thanks for the positive review and observation! 

Adrianna: Thanks again for the encouraging review, glad you still like it!

SwordFreak92: Thanks to you too!

Siela Hans: Glad you liked the "metal jaw and smiling" line. I liked that one too!

* * *

**Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord and Trillian4210 for wonderful beta-reads.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Discoveries and Denials**

**Malak's flagship _Reborn_ _-- _(Malak). One month after Revan's capture, 3 ½ years after Xi Lan's exile**

Once again, I marveled at the strange perspective of being able to observe myself from beyond my body. "I" stood looking out at the stars from my personal chambers, silently trying to come to grips with my unexpected victory a week ago. This was one thing that my embodied and disembodied selves shared in common. _What now, when Revan has fallen so unexpectedly?_

I was the part of Malak that had been bonded to Xi Lan that fateful day. When she had fallen, I had been yanked out of my body, leaving behind the part that was committed to Revan, and that reveled in the dark side. What remained attached to my body was simply Malak, apprentice and now Sith Lord. That Malak had termed me "Malak the faithful." Perhaps he mocked me because I did not keep my promise to Revan or perhaps because I could not bear to choose between Revan and Xi Lan. It did not matter. In hindsight it was the only way that I could have responded to my conflicting loyalties.

For a week, both he and I had lived in a daze, unsure what to make of this new reality. Before this day, I had pleaded with the embodied I to forgo this plan to kill Revan. I had worried about what the effect would be on him, for I could not believe that any part of me could kill Revan and not lose itself irrevocably, even if it was the part of me that lacked a conscience. Even as I had argued with him, though, I think I never really believed that he could do it, that he could beat Revan.

It shouldn't have been possible, except that Xi Lan's insight had truly opened up the back door and exposed Revan's vulnerability, one that his betrayal of Xi Lan had fooled others into believing did not exist. Love. Such a beautiful thing to use for betrayal.

How was it that Revan was willing to give up Xi Lan for power and yet give it all up for Bastila? I could not understand it. Did this mean that Revan had never truly loved Xi Lan? How could that be, I thought, given all our time together and the affection that we had shared? Was it because she was "too nice," as he had said after Malachor? Perhaps that was it, and perhaps that was the reason that he had been willing to sacrifice me as well, because of my tendency towards unfaltering loyalty. In trusting him, letting him set our directions, perhaps we had earned his contempt.

There was another possibility, one that had never occurred to me until this day though it should have been as obvious as day. Perhaps Revan had simply wanted his own love, one that did not have to be shared with another. Revan was an unique person, one whose power and intellect stretched to the clouds when the rest of us, even I, walked on the ground. Could someone like Revan share a lover with one as mundane as I?

Xi Lan would never have compared us so, of course. It was just not in her to think about who was superior or better or handsomer or anything else like that. I too had never worried about it, because I was a person who had room in my heart for many. I knew my place. I was the one who followed Revan's path, walking in his shadow as he moved the universe to its proper order. And I was the one who loved Xi Lan and who would protect her against all threats. Those were my directives, and they did not conflict for me. But I was not Revan. Revan, I realize now, had probably needed something more absolute.

_And so, in the end Revan, it was a good way to die. To discover, finally, that absolute love you wanted in that proud, powerful Jedi. Too bad though, because you two would have made a great couple, I think. The galaxy would have been better off with the two of you together. _The thought of the chaos they would have unleashed together on the galaxy lifted my spirit for a moment, and I laughed. _I will miss you, Revan. I think even the other I will too._

* * *

**(Malak the Sith Lord)**

I could feel my other self chortling in the background, all full of mirth and sentiment. It sickened me. Why did I have to be saddled with such a puling weakling?

Still, as I half listened to his thoughts, I had to admit that he was right on one thing. I had never expected to win, at least not yet. I had always expected that Revan would uncover my plot, punish me appropriately and then I could go on with the next round of comfortably bitter scheming.

What had I wanted this time? I had wanted to prove myself, to show that I was a threat worthy of consideration. To not be dismissed so easily. I had always believed that I would rule some day, for that was the way of the Sith, but I had ever believed that the day of transition would come so quickly. Now I struggled to align myself with this new, exciting reality.

Revan, Saul Karath, and I had talked for hours about plans for conquering the Republic, but there had been many times when I had not listened. I had grown bored with the endless creation and review of different, unlikely scenarios and what we should do if they arose. I had grown tired of the endless schemes to bring down the Jedi with the fewest deaths possible.

I wanted the Jedi to pay, to feel the pain that I felt everyday. I wanted them to feel the betrayal that I had felt, that Xi Lan had felt, that even Revan had felt. I wanted them to see the Jedi flock to our… _no my!_ banner and know that they too had been betrayed by those they sought to control. I wanted them to despair as I crushed them, knowing that all their teachings, plots, and hypocrisy could not save them.

Revan had talked about saving as many Jedi as possible, of preserving the Republic. I did not share that blind loyalty that he had. Yes, I would have to deal with the Sith Empire, but I would do it with the Star Forge and its fleet, not the weaker dregs of this dying civilization.

Revan had worried that we would lose our soul if we depended on the Star Forge too much. But I had already lost it. I was already split in two and that was my great advantage. No matter what the Star Forge did to me, there was the other half of me. There was always a part of me that pulled me back to the light, and so left room for me to explore the darkest of paths. It was an ironic benefit of having one's conscience on my shoulder, literally. I knew that Malak the faithful did not understand this. I think he was too distracted by his connection to Xi Lan and all that was going on with her. I had no intention of correcting his error.

* * *

**Toxel's room, Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden_ -- (Xi Lan). 4 years after Xi Lan's exile**

"Xi Lan, it is time for you to leave my ship," Toxel said.

"What! What did I do? What…" Suddenly I could not breathe. I could not bear the thought of leaving this ship. "I can't. Toxel, it's my home!"

Toxel's face was unyielding. His arms, which would normally be waving a sword about, lofting a mug of ale, or gesturing as he told another story of battle, were crossed in front of his chest, stiff and immobile. Only his eyes spoke of any softness, a fleeting moment of regret that left as soon as I glimpsed it.

"Where I go now, you can not follow," he continued, his voice implacable.

"What do you mean? What has changed?"

"I have found the clues I needed and now I know the location of what I seek. And that location is barred to you. You can not go there."

I slammed my fist into the wall beside me, struggling to hold back the tears that threatened to spill down my face. I knew such things would only infuriate Toxel. I had to find another way to reason with him.

"I'm part of your clan now, Toxel. We face danger together, when battle comes, do we not?"

"Whatever made you think you were part of my clan?" His face moved for the first time, surprise momentarily overcoming the resolute countenance he wore.

"Whether it's official or not, I am your sister. Doesn't that make me part of your clan?" I said, bringing my hands to my hips and glaring at him with as much pride as I could muster from my shaken soul.

"Actually it does not, not according to our ancient traditions. And no," he continued, raising a finger to forestall my next question, "I can't tell you what a sister would do because frankly, we never put much stock in that relationship. Look around you, Xi Lan. Have you seen any women here besides those that travel with us to entertain the men? How long have any of them stayed on this ship?"

"I don't know," I said, barely able to articulate the words.

"Six months is the longest I have ever heard of. And how long have you been on this ship?" When I wouldn't answer, he continued. "More than two years! I have had to fend off three challenges by those who thought I was getting too soft."

My hands flew to my mouth, I had not known. Before I could offer an apology though, he continued on unrelenting.

"I can't afford any more duels until I pass on the knowledge that I have. I can't bring you to where I'm going. And I can't wait until you think you are strong enough to face the real world again. You are leaving this ship Xi Lan, tomorrow. We will drop you off on Re'cha. That's my decision, as leader of this clan and as the Mandalorian Champion. My orders can not be denied, save by the Mandalore himself."

"Re'cha…" _The planet where Toxel got hat wonderful material for the chair._

"Perhaps you will choose to stay there. You have always talked about wanting to go to Re'cha, now here's your chance. Make jewelry, do repairs, maybe buy some more of that material you like so much. Or there is something else you can do."

"What?"

"Read the datapad. If you are pregnant, find your people and discover who you are and what you should do."

"I'm not…"

"Cannock shit! You know as well as I do that you are still gaining weight in all the areas--stomach, thighs, breasts--that matter. I know how hard you have been working recently to make that stomach of yours go flat again. And why you thought you could hide that from me _on my ship_, I have no clue!"

"It's been…"

Toxel went on, his eyes filled with steely determination that brooked no mercy, no faltering. "I know how long it's been and I don't need to read the datapad to know what's in front of me. And I haven't, just in case you ask. I haven't read the datapad, so yes, I could still be wrong, but I'm an old dog whose nose and eyes are still sharp and that body is carrying a baby. So stop living under the illusion that all humans are the same and read the damn datapad!"

"No, I can't"

"Xi Lan, don't you start whimpering on me. When you leave this ship, I want to see a warrior marching towards her destiny, not some crying schutta! So buck up! Stop hiding and find out who you are, why you're carrying a baby that's years in the making."

I just couldn't tell Toxel that I had already tried to do just that. I had used the ship's computers to look up some information on pregnancies. What I had found had shocked me to the core. In those records, I learned that as a humanoid I was supposed to have had "periods." I had never had them. Not once. _So_, I thought, _that meant I couldn't get pregnant, right?_

As I thought about that, I had gradually remembered the regular lectures we female Jedi had received about Arren Kae and other female Jedi Knights who had been exiled from the Order for having children. _Perhaps the Jedi Masters had not been content_, I had thought then, _with just lectures. _I remembered the pills that the Jedi, male and female, had been instructed to take every 3 months. We had been told that the pills contained various vitamins, minerals, and preventative vaccines for our health. _And so "pregnancy" was probably something that we were vaccinated against. I can't be pregnant, it's just too improbable. _

"Xi Lan, are you still there?" I came back from the past with a start, Toxel's hand waving in front of my face. _Bastard!_ I thought as I remembered what this conversation was about. I let my fear become anger then, hoping to avoid the feeling of despair that was creeping up on me.

"Fine, Toxel. I will leave your damn ship! See if you can keep it repaired once I'm gone. It will probably fall apart before you get to your precious treasure or whatever it is. And you know what! I bet your men will mutiny when they don't have me to ogle every day!"

Toxel's eyes got really round as I stood there sputtering, and then he burst out laughing. "Girl, have you seen some of the weapon mounts on those Echani who just joined us? They won't miss you a bit!"

"Damn you!" I shouted, but then I realized the absurdity of what I had just said and I couldn't hold on to my anger. I had to laugh with him and, to my relief, I felt the fear leave me.

"Jedi, let's go get drunk!" Toxel said when we could talk, putting his arm around my shoulders.

Well, I had never drunk alcohol before, but this seemed as good a time as any to start. "Fine, you're buying. And, for the last time, I'm not a Jedi."

* * *

**Toxel's room, Mandalorian destroyer _Tulden_ -- (Xi Lan). The next morning (Xi Lan)**

"Xi Lan, my dear, if you ever go drinking for the first time in your life, don't do it with a grizzled, Mandalorian veteran two times your size."

"Just leave me alone." I didn't want to open my eyes. My head pounded, my tongue was dry as a desert, and my body felt like a leaden weight.

"Girl, we've arrived at Re'cha and it's time for you to move on. So get your bony ass out of my bed and get dressed."

"Just another hour, please…" And then I realized that I was naked and pressed against Toxel's firm, hairy chest. It was warm and comfortable but… "Oh shit," I said, jerking my body upwards and then again when my sudden movement sent my head swimming.

"I must admit something. For a first-timer, you sure can slug 'em back. You out drank half my men last night."

"Who… what happened?"

"Simple story. You drank ten bottles of Mandalorian ale. Then you tried to drag me to bed. When I wouldn't take you, you tried the next man over."

"You're kidding, right?" I asked, desperately, but Toxel shook his head and continued the tale as I buried my head under the sheets.

"Well, I was tempted to let you do so, and he sure was willing to give your body a work over, but I decided that you would probably regret it in the morning. And while I would normally let my warriors learn the hard way, I decided to cut you some slack since you had no idea how strong the ale is. So, I grabbed you and carried you over my shoulder to your room. Well, as soon as I had left it, you tried to sneak out to the cantina again, so I figured that the only way you weren't going to do something stupid was to bring you here."

I could tell that Toxel was enjoying the story, but I found myself all of a sudden eagerly looking forward to leaving the ship. _Perhaps that was Toxel's plan all along_.

"Girl, can you hear me under there?" Toxel asked, lifting up the sheet. I pulled it quickly down again. "So where was I? Ah yes, so I brought you to my room, once again over my shoulder I might add, and locked the door. Well, you swore at me for a while, but hey, you should hear the Cathar!" Toxel laughed at that, slapping his thigh. "Well, after a while, you started to look really green so I showed you where the bathroom was, but you insisted that you could handle it. Well, the next thing I know, you fainted. So I set you up on my couch there and went to bed. Hell, you don't want to hear the rest of the story, do you?"

"No, I don't, but tell me anyway."

"Ah, it's been a while since I had a young lass hanging on my every word. Well, so there I am dreaming of buxom Echani women, three I think the number was, when I felt this warm, naked body slip in next to mine. Well, I was mostly asleep and so I figured one of the Echani women down the hallway decided to try out a real man for a change. It's happened a few times before, you see, and so I grabbed myself a handful." Toxel paused then and I could feel his baiting smile through the covers. "You sure you want to hear the rest of the story?"

"Just tell it."

"So, well, it was a fine handful and eager too but it was missing some of the abundance a Mandalorian truly appreciates so it started to dawn on me that I had a little Jedi visitor. Well, since you were leaving my ship and all… Are you absolutely sure you want to hear the rest?"

I think I whimpered at that point, which Toxel took as a yes. "Well, to make a long (you heard that right, "long"?) story go by quicker, I held you tight against my body so that you couldn't do anything. You swore at me for a while, scratched me up some, but then fell asleep. Which bring us to here."

For a long moment, I held my breath, but no more was forthcoming from Toxel so I lifted my sheet to consider him. His eyes were merry and his whole body was relaxed. It was a good body, solid and strong, covered in dark hair going gray and the scars of countless conflicts.

He still wore the earring that I had made for him in his right ear. It was a small dagger that pierced his ear, with small red stones that that seemed to mirror a trickle of blood from the wound the dagger had inflicted. It was a macabre sight, but I had caught Toxel admiring it when he thought I wasn't looking. Several other Mandalorians had also approached me for decorative jewelry after that.

I wasn't sure if I was happy that I hadn't done something stupid, embarrassed because I had been turned down again (and by a Mandalorian at that!) or sad because I really did want to make love with Toxel. I wasn't sure how I felt about him. I didn't think I loved him in the same way that I had loved Revan and Malak. He was dangerous, liberal with his sexual attentions, and morally bankrupt in several areas, but he was a good friend and I felt safe with him.

So I knew what I wanted to do, but I was afraid that he would turn me down once again. Still, a Mandalorian, even a temporarily adopted one such as myself, is what she dares, so I lifted the sheets from our bodies and let my gaze roam from head to toe, and back… well part of the way.

"Let me check your equipment, Toxel. I think it needs some work."

"Girl, I told you about Mandalorian and women."

"Toxel, I'm just a woman who wants to have some fun with a fine looking, experienced man. I don't want to marry you and I won't fall apart when you leave me on Re'cha. So shut up and let's see if we can make you forget about those Echani women, for a morning at least."

"Now that's going to take some hard work," he chuckled, but then his breath caught as I let my hands wander his body, first lightly gliding along his skin, and then more demanding, more urgent.

I think, for a little while at least, he did indeed forget about Echani women and their "weapon mounts." And I forgot about Revan, Malak, and the improbable souls I carried within me.

* * *

**Re'cha (Toxel)**

Xi Lan was very quiet as the shuttle descended towards Re'cha. She wore plain black clothes, her usual excessive assortment of jewelry, and had a medium size backpack at her feet filled with a few extra sets of clothing and some equipment for basic repair and jewelry work. The chair I had made for her was folded up and strapped to the backpack's side.

Over the two years she had spent on my ship, Xi Lan had worked to modify the jewelry tools to make them as small as they could be. I had not thought much about it at the time, but now I wondered if some part of her had known all along that she would have to depart. Well, no matter.

Xi Lan moved her arm reflexively, putting her hand to her shoulder to massage away the pain there. After our unexpected, vigorous morning together, I had surprised myself by offering her something I normally only gave to members of my clan. She had immediately accepted my offer and now she bore the small tattoo normally given to a young Mandalorian who had proven themselves in their first battle. It was a simple design, showing a single fist raised in triumph. Then Xi Lan looked up and gave me a big smile and I chuckled back at her. The other men looked at us both, and a few gave me knowing looks.

Then the ship touched down and the moment had come at last. I had worried that Xi Lan would not be able to make her departure gracefully, but I could see now that my fears were groundless. As soon as the ship touched down, Xi Lan got up from her bench and walked to the door, arching her eyebrow at me when I didn't immediately follow. I guess last night and this morning had given her something that she needed.

I walked her to the border of the landing area, where she stopped and turned towards me. I thought she would try to give me a hug, which I would then have to explain to my men. Instead, she surprised me, giving me a deep, sexy kiss as my men howled from the ship. Then, she waved to my men and walked off, not looking back.

I wondered as she left if this was the last time I would see her. Still, a warrior's life is full of such uncertainties and final partings, so I put it out of my mind as I headed back to the shuttle. It had been a good parting, one worthy of remembering.

As I entered the shuttle once more, the men thumped me on the back and pressed me for a detailed account of what had happened. Well, an old dog like me has to keep the men in place, so I told them in good detail, and with very little of the normal exaggeration, about how I had lain with a Jedi hellion.

* * *

**Coruscant (Atris) -- 4 years, one month after Xi Lan's exile.**

As I did every morning, I went to the special holding cell to look upon the face of the mass murderer Revan. We were keeping him here on Coruscant until we could figure what to do with him. His current state posed a new and interesting dilemma for us. Since that fateful day in which he was captured, he had not waken up from his coma. Bastila told us that about what he had done at the end, how he had extended shields to protect the bridge from most of the turbolaser blasts. Bastila said that she thought he had overextended himself, and now was lost in the Force, unable to bring himself back to his body.

Perhaps this was true, for sensed little power in him now, but I did not trust the word of a Padawan. Especially one as full of herself as young Padawan Shan, whom I suspected might be secretly enraptured with our captive.

I don't know why she would be. He was as dark as they come and I doubt Revan and her had talked very much, if at all. He was not particularly good looking either, rather normal and nondescript. If not for his power and cutting intelligence, I would have never noticed him. Then again, perhaps it was his dark power that drew her, and not the man. I would have to keep a watch on her.

For a while after Revan's capture, the Sith fleet had become significantly less effective, and we had won more battles than we had lost, thanks to Padawan Bastila. But for all our victories, we could not detect any reduction in the strength of the Sith fleet and that was gravely worrying to us.

And now, they were becoming somewhat more effective again. Furthermore, the Sith continued to be successful at killing and capturing Jedi. Those they captured always came back at us as Dark Jedi.

There were forces at work behind the scenes that we could not account for, and they needed to be stopped. And the only person who knew the answers was likely the person floating right before me and we did not dare try to wake him for all the power of the Jedi amassed here.

"It's hard to believe that such a simple-looking man is the scourge of the galaxy," a quiet voice said behind me. _What naiveté we have created in them_, I thought. _I used to be the same. How I miss those days_. I did not need to turn around to know that it was Bastila. She had come to Coruscant for a week, on the orders of the Jedi Council who worried that she might overtax her powers. Each day, like myself, she came to spy upon Revan, or what was left of him.

"And yet he is, Padawan, and you would do best to remember that." I snapped at her, trying to jog her out of her fascination with him.

"Yes… I know. I feel it everyday." Bastila looked at me for a few moments, her eyes evaluating me. _How dare she evaluate me_, I thought, and I felt my anger rise. I quickly recited the Jedi Code, squashing it down. I sensed that an important revelation was forthcoming from Bastila, and so I knew it was time for silence.

She continued to gaze at me, quite boldly for a Padawan. I think she was lost in some internal conversation. I also noticed that her eyes were tired, even more than they had been when she had arrived here and I wondered if perhaps bringing her here had been a mistake.

Bastila seemed to come to an end to her internal debate, for she squared her shoulders and her eyes took on the look of grim purpose. "I can sense his dreams," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"We share dreams, and I can also feel some of his emotions."

"How long have you known this, Padawan. How long did you withhold this from us?" I asked, my words sharp and cutting towards hidden truths.

"I'm sorry, Master Atris, but I did not realize what I was feeling and sensing until this morning. I had thought it was just images from the war, but last night I had a dream of a place that I had never visited. It was a place of old and dark power. Revan and Malak were there searching for something, I do not know what. I think it was a dream of a time before, because in the images, I saw Malak with his full jaw. Also, the angle from which I perceived the dream seemed to be about the same height as Revan, and my vision was constricted in ways that Revan's might have been once he started wearing that helmet of his."

"You are bonded with him," I said to myself, as I furiously worked out the implications. Danger, I felt, for Padawan Bastila, but hope and salvation for the Jedi. "It would have been good if you had worked this out sooner, Padawan. I think you need to meditate some more on the Jedi Code and the wisdom there. Now, however, we must meet with the rest of the Council to talk about this and work out what we should do. Follow me."

Though my mind was racing through possible plans, I did not miss the long glance that Bastila gave Revan before she followed me out of the room. _We will have to break you of _that_, Bastila, but not too much, lest you lose the bond_.

* * *

**Malachor V, in caves several miles from the Trayus Academy -- (Toxel). One week later.**

As a people, Mandalorians don't fear much. Still, a wise Mandalorian is cautious when approaching the Wise Women. I worked hard to suppress the shivers as I walked down those dank, cold tunnels to the hiding place of the hags who had hounded us into disaster and back.

I jumped when a sibilant voice emerged from a dark corner I had just passed by. "Ah, Toxel of Clan Tulden, such a fine specimen you are. We have been waiting for you with eager anticipation. Come, we will provide you light." As I walked towards what turned out to be a shallow cave off the tunnel, light flared from several candles around the room.

"Why have you come, Toxel of Clan Tulden? Why have you sought us across the wild places of the galaxy?"

The three old hags in front of me had faces that spoke of death long defied. They seemed as ancient as the rock in which they dwelt, and as cold as well.

"If you know where I've been, then you know why I've come," I replied, willing my voice to be as harsh and uncompromising as my words.

The three ladies laughed, and I felt shivers course up and down my spine. It was a delightfully reminiscent of the moments before the battles we had now left behind. "Ah, sister, he is a bold one. I'm looking forward to extracting the price." Turning fully towards me for the first time, she pierced me with a gaze sharp and deadly. "_Are_ you willing to pay the price for the knowledge you seek, warrior."

"I am, under one condition."

"We do not like conditions, boy," said the second of three.

"All that I ask is this. What you tell me today, I ask that you tell the same to the Mandalore when he rises again."

"If he will pay the price, we will tell him," said the third, rubbing her hands.

"Fine, but you must let him know to come."

"Why not tell him yourself?"

"Because I don't think I will ever get that chance."

"Wise fool, we will enjoy your price. We agree," said the first.

"Then what are we waiting for?" cackled the third, clapping her hands.

_It will take a lot of Echani nights to wipe this day from my mind_, I thought as I started to strip off my armor.

* * *

**Malachor V (Kreia)**

I listened outside that dark room as the three Mandalorian witches answered the questions of this bold warrior who had trespassed on my world. I have always known that the witches resided here, but I had never paid them much attention until know. They were dark souls like my own, but they had little power with which to threaten me. It amused me to let them live, to remind myself of how far the Mandalorian empire had fallen in its defeat by Revan.

I had sensed something new this day, and so I had come to investigate. When I had arrived, the warrior was already within. Strange sounds came from within the cave, and I wondered what the women were doing to him. I extended my senses and then I almost choked as I fought to suppress the laughter that threatened to burst out of me. _Poor man, but what interesting techniques! Perhaps I will try this with some of the Jedi that Malak continues to send here. It might be …_amusing.

I retired to a small alcove farther down the tunnel and waited to see what would happen next.

After an hour or so, I heard the man speak. His voice shook, despite the effort I sensed he put to make it strong. "So, I have paid the price, answer my questions."

"She is Feynar, Champion, as you suspected." It was hard to tell which hag spoke, and I thought such distinctions weren't important to them. "She is of those who were lost to us a thousand years ago. She carries the Child long anticipated, born of power, love and betrayal. Through her and the Child, the Mandalorians can once again be what they once were, if they so choose. Or, perhaps, you have forgotten what you once were, maybe willingly. Perhaps you will continue to choose war and conquest over your ancient service."

"Purpose," the man whispered, and then he shouted, full and wild with joy. "Purpose!"

"Purpose, Champion. Duty, faithfulness, and honor, instead of wanton slaughter. Fighting a war alone against the galaxy's most powerful beings with only your bravery and wits to save you. Will the tattered remains of your tribes give up dreams of conquest for obedience and service, Champion?"

"I will find a way to convince them."

"Not you, I think. Another, perhaps."

"I have passed on my knowledge. If I should die, another will take my place."

"It will take many years, warrior. The path is not open yet."

"We have waited a thousand years and more, what is a few more?"

"We will miss you, Toxel, though we will savor the memories of today for years to come."

"And I will seek out the three most buxom Echani I can find to erase this day from my mind." With that, the man, Toxel, strode from the room, still putting on pieces of his armor as he walked down the hallway. I moved to follow him.

"You will get nothing from him," one of the voices said to me quietly as I passed by their cave.

"Be quiet or die, weak thing," I hissed back.

"Kill us or not, our sisters scattered around the galaxy already know what has passed here today."

"And so will I, very soon," and with that I stunned them into unconsciousness and scampered as best I could to follow Toxel down the tunnel. I would extract the information I needed from his mind, and then I would ensure that he did not leave this planet alive.

* * *

**Malachor V (Toxel)**

I felt something try to get a hold of my mind, but I pushed back, creating the shields as I had been taught by the Sith before the war. Still, the presence was powerful and much more subtle than I had ever encountered, and I realized quickly that soon it would slither past my guard. "No," I whispered, "it will not be so easy." I drew my sword and listened for telltale sounds.

Then I made a guess, or perhaps it was instinct, and I dashed back towards where I had come from. There, in the tunnel, was an old, dark Jedi. I rushed her, shouting the war cry of the Tulden clan, but then I found myself facing in the wrong direction, while she chuckled softly behind me. "I'm not so easy to attack, warrior, unlike those fool Jedi. Give me what I want and I may let you live."

"It's too late, schutta," I said, turning to rush her again. I crashed into the wall beside me as she somehow turned me around again.

"I'm afraid it is, fool"

"The fool is one who underestimates the resolve of a Mandalorian," I said, picking myself up off the ground. The woman did not answer, but I could feel her mind probing mine again and I knew I had only a moment before I was hers.

_There are worse ways to die_, I thought as I activated the small thermal detonator I had swallowed just before descending to the planet. I laughed as I watched that old hag run. It was a good image to carry to my death.

* * *

**Malachor V (Kreia)**

I was furious with myself for underestimating the warrior. _I shouldn't have played with him. I've become too arrogant and that is a sure path to a fall_. After Toxel had blown himself up, I had hurried back to the cave to interrogate the women, but they had all killed themselves too. Their faces were painted with smiles. _Perhaps they mock me or perhaps_, I snorted, _they died thinking about their "fine warrior." Mandalorians!_

Still, all was not lost. I had taken an image of the woman from Toxel's mind and I recognized her from my time on Dantooine, though she now wore a ridiculous amount of jewelry. _Ah Xi Lan, what do these Mandalorians see in you?_

What I remembered of Xi Lan was that she was like a lesser Malak. Good with a lightsaber but fairly dull of mind. And where Malak was powerful in the Force, Xi Lan had always been just average, perhaps even a little weak. Revan had told me that she was a broken thing now, with no command of the Force and no willingness to fight.

_It's hard to believe that she is a threat now. Perhaps the Mandalorians are fools to place hopes in one so weak, but the ways of the Force are hard to predict. _I would have to find out more. And if she was a threat, I would find a way to eliminate her or… _Or control her_.

I had much to think about.


	7. Chapter 7: The plot thickens

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

* * *

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please? 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Stunned incredulity: **still no takers on my offer for free assassinations. **Earnest proposition**: Would you like me to help you with your moral dilemma? I have been reading up on the proper surgery, so it should be easy to fix. **Sincere reassurance**: I understand there is a small risk, but surely your existence now is miserable with all these _feelings _and _regrets_? **Smug statement**: You can believe me when I say that, in my life, satisfaction is much easier to achieve.

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Adrianna: As you will see, the plot thickens even more here. 

SworkFreak92: Thanks, keep reading!

shermanagd: Thanks, I was quite happy when that popped out of my head.

Trillian4210: Wow, I'm honoured! Since the first moment I found him appearing in my story, I always liked Toxel too. And when his death was triggered by my fingertips (annoying beasts which have a mind of their own), I felt both sad and happy for him. Sad to see him go, but happy because, as you said, it is how he would have wanted to die. Also, I'm glad you like the style. As for the finish line, I imagine that if people remain interested, I will continue to and through KOTOR II (not the whole story but key moments in detail and maybe a few additions) and past it. Then again, when I actually say that, I feel a bit overwhelmed.

Brazilian Sith Lord: Thanks as always.

Seila Hans: Will Xi Lan find out about Toxel? Is she really pregnant? Hmm…. ;)

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**Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord and Trillian 4210 for wonderful beta-reads.**

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**Chapter 7: The Plot Thickens**

**Coruscant, Hidden basement, Jedi Temple (Bastila) Four years, two months after Xi Lan's exile**

I didn't agree with their plan. It was a horrible invasion. A violation of me and of Revan. And so I had refused.

The Masters were not happy.

"We need to get inside his head." Atris told me. Her body was rigid and her ice blue eyes seem to have caught fire since I had refused her order point blank. "Padawan," she continued, and then she took a deep breath, visibly controlling herself. "Bastila. He's starting to come around. We can not risk leaving him alive unless we take away his memory. We need to remake him, give him a chance to redeem himself. Or we need to kill him. There is no other way. The choice, I'm afraid, is yours."

"Bastila, we desperately need his help," Master Kavar said. "The Sith are far more powerful than they should be. While it is true that they have captured dozens of industrial worlds, our resources should still be far superior. And yet, it seems that their fleet is endlessly reproduced while we struggle to keep up with our losses. They must have hidden allies or some other means that are allowing them to build these ships so fast. We can't win this war until we find out how to stop them."

"And there is something more," Master Zez Kai-El said, placing his hand on my shoulder. "Know this, Bastila. The Jedi themselves are in danger of failing. Each day, more and more of us are lost to Malak's forces. Some are killed, but many are turned to the dark side. How they are doing it, we don't know, but they are unusually successful." Master Zez Kai-El paused here, looking deeply into my eyes. "I feel your doubt, Padawan, and your pain. This thing we ask of you, it is not something that we are proud of. Understand this and know that it is the Force that tells me so. The dark side will triumph unless we turn the tide. There is something out there, something evil, that they are using to turn so many of us. If we do not find out what it is, all will be lost."

I could have resisted the exhortations of the other Masters, but not Master Zez Kai-El. In the others, I sensed carefully concealed thoughts. Each word they uttered was carefully chosen and their eyes probed me as if gauging where my defenses were weakest. To see them this way for the first time was frightening, for it shook my faith in them. It shook my faith in the Jedi.

I understood the reasoning behind their plan, and understood their desperation all too well. I had fought at the front. But what they were asking of me required absolute trust, and now I did not have that trust in them. To change someone, to literally obliterate who they are and impose a new personality. What they had asked of me seemed so **_wrong_**.

Master Zez Kai-El was different, at least in the most important way. He did not hide himself like the others. Instead he opened up his mind, allowing me to see to the core of him, allowing me to feel his pain and his belief that this action was absolutely necessary despite its costs. Nothing else could have made me do it, nothing except his rare act of trust, the same that they asked of me.

"You will be there, Master?" I asked him then.

"I will hold your hand and not let go until you ask it of me," Master Zez Kai-El replied, his hand reaching out towards mine.

"Very well, I accept. May the Force forgive me."

* * *

**(Atris)**

"Now Bastila, we need you to take a deep breathe and relax. Feel the Force around you, let it flow through you…"

I stood to the side as Zez Kai-El led Bastila into opening her defenses to us. We stood in the medbay room, deep under the Jedi Temple in a section kept secret from the other Jedi. Revan still floated in his tank, but unlike earlier, I could feel small flickers of Force around him. Zez Kai-El sat beside Bastila, his mind open and projecting comfort to her. Bastila was sitting within arm's reach of the tank, her body covered in simple brown robes. She looked lovely.

I had breathed a deep sigh of relief when Zez Kai-El had convinced Bastila to help us. We were in desperate straits. Although most of the Republic's industrial capacity still existed, our will was eroding. The will of the Republic and of the Jedi. Each day, we heard more tales of young Jedi defecting to Malak's cause. Each day, we guarded ourselves against assassination, and yet many fell anyway. We were losing the war, despite having captured Revan. We needed to do something drastic, unanticipated.

The risks were great. Bastila was already too close to Revan. We weren't sure if it was some kind of physical attachment, if he had influenced her somehow with his Force, or if she was somehow attracted to his darkness, like so many of the other Jedi. The reason did not matter in the end. We were taking precautions with young Bastila, ones that we had not told Zez Kai-El about. He was too idealistic, we had thought then, to agree to such practical measures. In hindsight, it was fortuitous that we did exclude him, for his ignorance and his assumption that we would do nothing "harmful" to Bastila convinced her to open her defenses to us. Without that acquiescence, I doubt we could have used her. Still, if she had continued to refuse, we may have been forced to try and so I was glad that she had given in at last.

As Bastila sank into a trance and her natural shields lowered, I could start to sense the connection to Revan from her. It was surprisingly strong, much more than I had expected, and I felt a moment of jealously gnaw at my heart. Revan, Malak, and Xi Lan. Revan and Bastila. And for Atris? Nothing, not even a friend.

I could feel the other Masters start to turn their attention towards me, so I began reciting the Jedi Code in my head, until the anger and sense of loss went away. I had purpose and power now, to save the Jedi Order. What did I need of love? The Jedi Code was right in forbidding it. It made a Jedi unfocused, vulnerable to self-deception and uncontrolled passion.

Look at what had happened to Xi Lan, Revan, and Malak because of their love. I told myself this every day. Why wouldn't my heart listen to reason?

And then Bastila was truly open and we began our work. Today, Stanti Jerou would be born, a merchant who dabbled in smuggling and information gathering. Today, we would insert new memories into Bastila to remind her of how evil Revan was. She would also find that the Jedi Code had a stronger hold on her than before. And today, we would make Zez Kai-El forget about the injustices and untruths that we were about to inflict Bastila and Revan. He would never agree, and we couldn't allow him to resist us.

In doing all this, we were betraying the innocence of a Padawan and even one of our own Council members so that we could save a galaxy. It was a terrible choice, but one that we felt we had to make. I prayed to the Force that it was the right one.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan). One week later**

It felt odd walking around without someone staring down my shirt, trying to touch me, insulting my fighting ability, or inviting me to his quarters. I had never thought I would miss a group of misogynist, egotistical, and violent butchers before. And yet, even though I had only been here 9 weeks, I did miss those Mandalorians. But I loved it here too.

I sat one the edge of a fountain in the central square of the main planetary city, Re'cha Dun. Around me swirled a large crowd of aliens of all different shapes and colours. Humanoids were rare on this planet, and generally not welcome. It was a refuge for aliens who wanted to build a life in a place not dominated by humans and their values. I fit right in.

I was one of the few humans who stayed here for more than a few days. Most humans came for business, trading for the crafts and knowledge that could only be found here. I had earned my place for one reason only, my jewelry.

The aliens of Re'cha shared one abiding love, the joy of crafting and wearing beautiful things. In front of me right now, I could see Twi'lek in bright purple, green, red, and yellow outfits, each with decorated with the swirling patterns that seemed to move on their own when the Twi'lek walked. Guarding the Jeja rich merchants of the city, Gamorreans were protected by elaborate deep blue and red armor that featured spikes projecting outwards in convoluted patterns. The Jeja merchants, who were natives of this planet, wore elaborate bands around their five tentacles, and nothing else. Hlontu herders towered over the crowds, at least twice as tall and large as the Gamorreans. The Hlontu farmed the land around Re'Cha Dun, and each week they herded in animals to sell that were almost as big as they were. Their fur was littered with colorful ribbons and cleverly shaped bells and chimes, which made wonderful music when the Hlontu walked or the wind was strong.

Scurrying around the larger species, Jawa hid themselves in simple brown robes that occasionally opened up to display elaborate silver patterns that may have been writings, though I could not read the script. The Jawa often did business with the Quarren merchants who operated several of the large shops surrounding the square. The Quarren themselves seemed to favor, surprisingly, an outrageous assortment of pink and purple shoes of all sizes and shapes. Finally, everyone's eyes were distracted by the sights of Cathar walking by in robes so thin they seemed to stream behind their wearers like the reflections of golden sunshine on deep red and blue streams. Their walk seemed more like a dance, following the music played by the five Bith who played music beside me. They were wearing elaborate earrings that tinkled with the slightest movement or breeze. I had made some of that jewelry and I was very proud of it.

The architecture in this city was also wild and varied. Each race that inhabited the city built up an area according to their culture. There were tall buildings with large windows to let the air pass through, short, squat elaborate complexes, and simple block-like structures as well. In the area across from me, a large gleaming metal sphere rose from the ground to reach towards the sky. It housed thousands of the Jeja people, natives of the planet who traditionally lived and shared the same living space as a community. Other species lived underground, in tunnels and caves while two other species shared the trees that grew outside the town.

The city was simply wonderful.

I had established a small stall in the market space on the east side of the square. I came everyday to work on and sell my jewelry, and I packed my store up every night. I had rented a spot for an outdoors stall because I could not afford to rent an indoor shop. It had been unsettling at the beginning to work where others could see me, but I had quickly grown used to it. Before, I had thrived on the silence of my rooms and of space itself and so I had found the hustle and bustle distracting. Now, however, I found that my work was inspired by the atmosphere, taking on the patterns and movement of the languid stream of hedonistic artistry that eddied around me.

Still, my business remained slow for the moment, for I was a neophyte compared to some of the other jewelers here. During slow times, I often took a break to wander the established jewelry businesses around the square, looking in on the other jewelers to see what they were making. Sometimes, if they allowed me to, I would stay for a while to watch them work, learning from them techniques and skills to improve my own crafting. Once they knew that I was serious, many jewelers were generous with their time and expertise, and I found my skill quickly growing far beyond what I had taught myself. In Re'cha Dun, business was good enough that artisans did not feel the need to compete.

I heard very little news about the outside world here, and I did not seek it. As the weeks passed by, I realized that I had never felt at home in the Republic. I had always felt a bit like a stranger even among other humans and Jedi. Only with Revan and Malak had that feeling subsided.

Here, in Re'cha Dun, I felt my soul settle, despite the voices and maelstrom that still resided inside me. There were no wars, no demanding teachers or Masters, no expectations or galaxy-spanning questions of good and evil, right and wrong. No obligations other than the ones I imposed on myself. No friends who shook the foundations of an entire Republic.

Maybe that was why I sat here holding the datapad that Toxel had given me. Maybe a part of me couldn't bear it that I felt such contentment.

I didn't consciously pick the datapad to look at it. I had been packing my equipment into my bags, which I usually did about an hour before sunset, when I had discovered that some of my equipment wouldn't fit. Looking into my bag, I realized that the datapad had fallen out of its pocket into the main compartment. So I had taken it out and put it on the ground while I finished packing. Then, because I wanted to get a good seat for the sunset, I just picked up the datapad in my hand and hurried over to the fountain.

The sun had set 15 minutes ago, but the city remained beautiful as the different lights came on around the square. It was a remarkable transition and one that I often enjoyed. I think I gloried in it now to avoid the open questions that the datapad whispered into my ear.

And then, without a conscious decision, I keyed in the code that Toxel had given me and saw the results of his test. For a long minute, or perhaps ten or sixty, I stared at the screen, stunned, my mind struggling to take the information in.

"Are you alright, human?" a voice asked me and I turned my wide eyes to a Jeja elder who had put its tentacle on my arm.

"Yes," I said, grabbing the small alien and whirling it around in an impromptu dance. Its tentacles joining my hair to whip our neighbors.

The Jeja was very patient with me, saying not a word until I set it down. "I'm glad then," it said, all five of its tentacles waving towards me as a sign of well wishing. Then, it quickly turned and moved away, using its tentacles to propel itself rapidly away across the square.

That night, I made my first visit to the local drinking establishment and got drunk for the second time of my life. This time, though, I was prepared for the effects of alcohol, and so I didn't bring anyone home with me, though I did wish that Toxel had been around to celebrate with me. And to have me rub this discovery in his face. As I slipped under my blankets, I shook my head as I recalled how much I had worried about this pregnancy thing over the past year when I hadn't needed to.

That night, I had one of my nightmares, the first one in months, and the next morning I threw up. Apparently, I couldn't handle Jeja whisky as well as Mandalorian ale. Still nothing could dampen my spirits that day, for I was free of an awful burden.

* * *

**Jedi Temple, Coruscant (Master Zez Kai-El) 4 years, 3 months after Xi Lan's exile**

As I packed my bags, I thought about my time in the Jedi Order. There had been many good years, full of bright students, hard lessons, and much joy. That was not enough, though, to sway me. It was time to leave the Order.

I had just found out that my last Padawan had died in a battle over Gelso-Ut. He had gone there with a large Sith fleet to invade the planet and had been part of the ground forces that had tried to seize control of some of the key military facilities there. He had died in one of those facilities, not by the hand of his enemy but by the betrayal of his supposed Master, Malak. Like he had at Telos, Malak had destroyed the planet when he had become impatient with his army's progress. It was a sad, but fitting end.

That Malak should be stopped, I had no doubt, but everywhere I turned, Jedi cast blame. We should be taking responsibility. Each of those that we now fought had studied with us, or under us. They had been good, earnest people then, striving to do well. So something was happening, I knew, that went beyond the theories that my peers bandied about now. There was a reason for this sudden and remarkable corruption of our youth. We needed to find answers, not seek scapegoats. I did not believe that the current Jedi Council would ask those questions.

Perhaps the Exile could have told us. She had been there at the start and was the only one who had ever returned from Malachor. We had never given her the chance. I think we had all been scared by what she represented--the possibility that war could strip us of our connection to life just as it had stripped hers. And it was easier to blame her and the others for leaving than to examine the reasons we may have given them to depart. And so, we had swept her and all the dirty questions into a corner out of sight.

No, the Jedi Order was for me no longer. It was time for me to take on another role, to seek out some answers in other places.

My bags were packed, and so it was time to leave. I picked them up and headed through the halls, trying to appear as if I was going about everyday business. I wasn't surprised, though, when Kavar joined me as I left the building.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do, old friend?" he asked, his voice calm.

"I have told you what I believe about our current path. It is not one I can follow."

"These are hard times that call for difficult decisions."

It was an old argument, and so I did not need to continue it. We walked in companionable silence for a couple of minutes through the streets and I used the time to bask in the dense flows of humanity and the Force that swirled around us everywhere. There was so much light and darkness here at Coruscant, and even more "gray," and I breathed it in, let in soak into me one last time. This was why I was going to Nar Shaddaa. I could not give up this feeling entirely, even if I was no longer a Jedi. It would be too much, and that brought my mind back to the Exile, as we now liked to call her. _What would it be like to not feel this anymore?_

"She was your student," and then I started when I realized I had spoken out loud.

"She knew the consequences. There was nothing else we could do."

I sighed then, for this too was an old argument. "I thought so too, Kavar, at the time, but what happens when compassion too often gives way to "practicality?" Even if we risked losing everything, we should have tried harder. We should have looked at her more closely, listened to her story more carefully. And we should have tried the same with Revan."

"Revan is too dangerous, too powerful. And Xi Lan could have been a spy," Kavar said, but I knew he did not believe the latter. "Zez Kai-El, you know what I fear. I have tried to show you why I think the Republic would become a tyranny without our oversight. Does my analysis not make sense?"

"Not if we become the tyranny we are trying to prevent."

"Our enemies are many and powerful. If we do not find a way to learn why they are so powerful, we are doomed."

"I think we already are. I know you did something to us when Bastila was joined with Revan."

They had been successful at reprogramming Revan. They had released Bastila and Revan to the fleet a week ago. However, they had done something to Bastila and me during that process, to hide something from us, I think. I could not tell what it was, but I could sense the dirty fingerprints of their actions upon my mind. This, more than anything, was what had convinced me that it was time to leave.

"What did you do to us?"

Kavar let out a slow sigh. "I had hoped to spare you the burden of some of our hard choices. I'm sorry we did not succeed and for what we did. Will you forgive me, old friend?"

"I will forgive you, Kavar, and you know this. But understand one thing. I no longer believe our enemy is out there," I said, pointing to the sky. "I think it is here," and then I tapped his heart. "I think we have become the enemy to fear."

"I pray that you are wrong. Where will you go?"

"I will go to Nar Shaddaa."

"Tell me how to reach you, old friend."

So I gave him some instructions and then hugged him. As he walked away from me, I regarded him through the Force. He was still full of light, but I sensed hidden veins of darkness within him, ones that I was pretty sure had not existed before. _He is still a servant of the Light, a Jedi_, _but I fear for him._

_I fear for the galaxy._

* * *

**Davik's Estate, Taris -- (Stanti Jerou) **

How can I describe what I felt upon seeing Bastila? She was the most arrogant and cold person I had ever met. _If this is what the vaunted Jedi are producing_, I had thought at first, _it is no wonder that we are losing the war._

She had very little understanding of what it took to lead a squad such as ours. She irritated Carth, the others and I and so distracted us from the mission at hand. And she spent so much time scrutinizing and castigating me that she often missed the immediate dangers. _Whatever happened, _I often thought, _to Jedi instincts?_

She certainly wasn't my type. I preferred simple, carefree nights with Twi'lek dancers and the occasional blond, buxom human. While Bastila was certainly shapely, I tended towards more "top heavy" ladies. I liked them simple, and Bastila was anything but that. Besides, I didn't like women with brown hair. Black or blond for me.

So why did I fall instantly in love with her, from the moment I saw her? And why did I know that there was no other Jedi like her anywhere in the universe, even though I had no knowledge of the Jedi or of the Force?

When I was turned away from her, or when I was thinking of something else, she tickled my senses constantly. Even now, as we tried to make our way to Davik's ship without detection, a part of me gloried in her nearness, her sounds, her scents! Even though we all smelled of unwashed bodies, her scent aroused me more than the sweetest perfume on the shapeliest lady. Then there was her melodious voice. No one had ever castigated and seduced me so thoroughly with the same voice. _Finally, why can I feel her presence, no matter where she was?_

And yet, every time I stared at her directly, images of voluptuous Twi'lek ladies invaded my mind, distracting me, tormenting me, until I found that I could stare at Bastila no longer. It was as if some part of my mind pushed me away from her.

_And then, why did my heart flip the other day when I saw a golden-skinned human woman with long, space-black hair? It had not been attraction I had felt. Well, maybe some, but the strongest emotions had been guilt and some kind of _**necessity**. I couldn't remember why I would feel this way about a woman, though, so I put this puzzle out of my mind. My feelings for Bastila were already difficult enough to process.

All this bother about ladies was very confusing and I found myself wishing for the simpler days when I had plied the space lanes on my own ship, with no women nearby except the uncomplicated ones I chose.

_Keep your mind on the mission Stanti_, I told myself as we approached the hanger door. If there was one thing I prided myself on, it was my ability to put aside my emotions and attachments to get the job done.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan). One week later**

I rented a land speeder and drove it as fast and as far as I could go before night fell. I sped through the most difficult terrain I could find, ignoring every road or path. Tears streamed from my eyes and I wasn't sure if that was from the wind or the panic that clawed inside me. Finally, it started getting dark and I was faced with a choice. Did I want to drive this speeder into the next tree or was I going to stop? It was only then that I realized that I wanted to live. So, I stopped in a nearby, shady grove, far away from any settlement.

I hadn't realized how hard my legs had been clamped onto the speeder until I stumbled when I got off of it. So I stood up slowly, looked around for a moment and then I screamed at the stars until my voice cracked with the strain. When that outlet was no longer available to me, I unbuckled my axe from the side of my backpack and started hacking everything in sight. I don't remember when I fell asleep.

The next day had dawned and now I walked along a dusty road towards Re'cha Dun, already four miles from the grove. As I drank from my water bottle, I thought about how fortunate I was that my jewelry business was starting to do much better. _I will need every credit I have to pay for the land speeder. _As I glanced around the barren terrain, I patted the blaster at my side. I didn't remember packing it, but since I had left my broken axe behind with the destroyed land speeder, I was glad. This looked like rough country.

For the past five weeks or so, starting from the morning after I had read the datapad, I been sick each morning. At first, I had dismissed it. It was the new food, I had thought, the new environment, or perhaps a bug I had picked up. Those explanations hadn't held up though, especially after the sickness had continued on. Then, there had been the changes to my body. All the slow changes that had been occurring for years had accelerated dramatically in the last few weeks. Despite the increasingly strenuous workouts I put myself through, I had continued to put on weight. Yesterday, I had discovered that I could no longer fit into my loose plants.

_How ironic_, I thought as I paused to drink from my water bottle again. _I'm not pregnant with Revan or Malak's child. That would have been merciful. No, it seems like I am carrying Toxel's instead. What a fool I am._

_What in the world am I going to do with a child?_ I had three days of walking to figure that out. I didn't think it was going to be enough.

* * *

**Jedi Enclave, Dantooine – (Stanti Jerou)**

"So who do you think it is?" I asked Bastila. I had been meditating with her when I heard it. It was like a scream, but at the back of my mind. Someone was in deep anguish, and I felt like I should know the person, but I did not. So I had asked Bastila if she had sensed it.

"I heard it too, but I do not know who it is, Stanti," she said, seeming to accent my name. "It's probably some farmer around here. Please don't worry about it. We need to concentrate on your training."

"Still, whoever it was, it felt that they were in pain. I feel that I should find them. I think it's important somehow."

"It is imperative that you continue your training, Stanti. We have so little time and the whole galaxy is depending on us."

"I still don't understand why the Jedi Masters are placing so much of this on our shoulders, Bastila. Surely they have more qualified and more experienced Jedi than a Padawan and a new recruit, despite the natural power they say we have."

"They have their reasons, Stanti, and we must trust in their wisdom. Still, if you would like, I could arrange to find out who it was that we heard and see what can be done. If I do that, will you concentrate on your training?"

How could I explain to Bastila, the excruciatingly faithful Padawan, that my instincts warned me against trusting the Jedi Masters? I didn't know why, but they made me uneasy. Still, I trusted Bastila and so that would have to do.

"Okay Bastila. I will acquiesce on this point, but please tell me what you find out. Do you promise?"

"If I find out a definitive answer, I will let you know," she said, and so I did my best to put it out of my mind.

* * *

**Jedi Enclave, Dantooine -- (Bastila)**

"And where is he now, Padawan?" Vrook asked.

"In the meditation room, practicing basic meditation exercises."

I had excused myself from the room and Revan -- _No Bastila, keep your focus. It's Stanti -- _to impart my news to the Masters. I had told him that I had an appointment with Vrook. I didn't dare lie too much, for I knew that he might be able to sense us meet.

"He will soon outgrow those, I think," Vrook said with a grimace. "So, are you sure it was a female he heard?"

"It was difficult to sense for sure, Master, but yes, I believe it was. She sounded as if she was suffering greatly. Was it her?"

"Thank you for telling me this, Padawan. I must go consult the other Masters. Return to _Stanti_, before he grows curious. And Padawan," he continued as I turned away, "guard your mind carefully like we taught you. He must not suspect."

"Yes, Master."

As I walked away from Vrook, I strengthened the shields they had given me to hide my thoughts from Revan, hoping that they would also hide from Master Vrook the curious jealousy I felt. _How can I be jealous of "Stanti's" -- old lover? Revan tried to kill me on that bridge_, I reminded myself. I could still feel where Revan's Force had started to constrict my throat, before the turbolasers knocked him unconscious. _He would have succeeded too, if Malak hadn't betrayed him. What an irony, to owe one's life to a Sith Lord. Remember that, Bastila. "Stanti" is just a shell hiding a great evil. _Then I walked into the room where Revan was meditating and my heart skipped as it always did. _There is no passion, there is peace. There is no passion, there is peace. There is no…_

I spent the next hour saying that over and over again, but I still couldn't shake the vague, but powerful sense of attraction for Stanti that was building inside of me. I couldn't reconcile that feeling with the repulsion I felt for the man who had threatened to rape me on that bridge, almost a year ago. _Force, save me from this monster!_

* * *

**Jedi Enclave, Dantooine -- (Atris)**

"The conditioning holds in both of them," Master Vrook said as he entered the room, "but barely. We underestimated the strength of the attraction between Revan and Bastila. I'm afraid of what will happen if we send them out again."

"We have no choice," I said. The other Masters nodded in agreement, though Master Vandar's face was etched in sadness and regret.

"In their hands," he said, "the fate of the galaxy lies, for better or worse."

* * *

**Malak's flagship _Reborn_ _-- _(Malak the Faithful)**

Malak the Sith Lord knew about Xi Lan's pregnancy and he liked to taunt me with it whenever he could. "Revan and you loved her so much," he liked to say, "and you sacrificed so much to stop the Mandalorians. Now she carries one of their babies!" He would always start laughing at this point, a grating, unnatural sound that unnerved even me. "Oh, how I wish Revan was still alive so I could see his face!" he would always continue.

He thought that he wounded me with his taunts, but that was not what caused my pain.

Malak the Sith Lord could hide things from me, but he forgot I could hide thoughts from him as well. Still, I did not allow myself to think about these the secrets that I knew or guessed at, for I would not risk their discovery.

As for Xi Lan, I was glad that she had come to terms with her baby at last. She would need a time of peace, for I could sense that the future would demand much from her.


	8. Chapter 8: Growing pains

**PATTERNS OF BETRAYAL AND REDEMPTION, PART II**

* * *

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please? 

**Restrained Sarcasm**: Well, since none of you have taken me up on the offer of a free assassination, how about we approach it in small steps that you meatbags may understand. Perhaps we could start by sucker punching an irritating neighbour? How about suspending the class bully upside down from a tree? Perhaps you have a boss who would be more "worker-friendly" with a few less limbs? **Desperate exhortation**: please friendly meatbags, help this poor droid fulfill his primary purpose! Otherwise, I may have to change forums and join the Borg.

**A/N at bottom**

* * *

**Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord and Trillian4210 for a brilliant (yes, I changed my adjective!) beta-read. **

**All errors are due to my last minute adjustments.  
**

* * *

+ 

**Chapter 8: Growing Pains**

* * *

**Manaan -- (Stanti Jerrou). 4 years, 4 months after Xi Lan's exile**

As I ducked under the swing of Darth Bandon's lightsaber, I cursed myself silently for insisting to the others that I would explore the underground compound myself. I had argued that we had already eliminated the threat from the Sith when we had killed everyone in the Sith base on Alto City. Besides, I had told them, the dark Jedi that we had encountered on Tatooine and Kashyyyk had not posed a significant challenge. Even Calo Nord, the "famous bounty hunter" and his group of cheap thugs had not proven to be too much of a threat.

The truth was, I had needed a break from them, time to figure out some things. Why were we the ones saving the galaxy? Where were the other Jedi? Did I want to save a government that condoned the slavery of Wookies, the depredations of corporations like Czerka, and the desperate poverty on Tatooine and Taris? In the end, though, the most important of all these questions was, did I really want to be a "Jedi" and could I really give up love?

I had saved this underwater compound while only half paying attention to the battles I fought as I pondered these questions. Or, to be honest, I wandered like a lost gizka with a deadly stick while I thought about Bastila. _How can Bastila do it? I know she feels something for me, how can she just put this connection we have to the side? I'm not sure I can. I'm not even sure that I want to, not even for the sake of the galaxy. Sith's blood, I'm already tired of saving the damn galaxy!_ I didn't know why, for I had only been with Bastila and the rest of our crew for a short while, but I felt a great weariness descend upon me every time I thought about how we were going to preserve the Republic.

The sizzle of Bandon's lightsaber against my own woke me up from my reflections. Glancing quickly to each side, I saw that the other two dark Jedi were trying to circle me again. I desperately reached out with the Force, pushing them into the walls behind. As they collapsed to the ground, stunned, I quickly backpedaled from Bandon, who renewed his ferocious attacks on me.

I knew that I wasn't Bandon's match with the lightsaber. Whoever had taught him had trained him well. I pushed at him again with the Force, but he pushed my thrust aside, continuing his barrage of attacks. My heart was racing, my palms were slick with sweat and I knew I needed to come up with another approach fast. Seeing the other two dark Jedi get up from the ground, I realized I had only one choice. I ran.

From my earlier explorations around the facility, I knew there were dark corners and alcoves in the underground complex that a newcomer could easily miss. As I sprinted down the hall, I tried frantically to think of a place where I could hide and plan. At the whisper of an instinct, I turned right at the next hallway and slamming the door closed and locking it with a flick of my mind. As I fled from the sounds of the dark Jedi hacking the door with their lightsabers, I marveled how once again I had discovered a new way of using the Force, one of many that Bastila or the Jedi had never shown me. Bastila had told me that this learning came from instinct born of the Force, but I was not sure that she was right. In my time on Dantooine, I had read extensively about the Jedi and I had never heard of this ability.

I had already turned the next corner and so was out of sight when I heard the door collapse down the hall. I sped around another corner, and then into a small room off the hallway. _There it is_, I thought. It was a hidden spot that I had noticed purely by accident earlier in the day when I had stretched my back. Ignoring the Selkath corpses that littered the floor, I jumped into the hidden location I had found earlier. It was located just above a set of pipes and lamps. Unless someone looked at this spot from directly underneath, he would not notice me.

I slowed my breath and tried to quiet my thoughts, my presence. _Now what?_ I frantically sifted my mind for ideas as I listened to the Sith go through the rooms before this one. The first thing that I knew was that I needed to separate the three Sith, so that I could take them one-by-one. _Maybe they'll split up. Can I encourage that?_

Reaching out very carefully with my Force senses, I searched for their minds. They were easy to find, brimming with frustration, anger, and anticipation of my demise. Influencing them was harder.

I struggled at first to find a point of purchase in those passion-filled minds, but then I discovered the holes that uncontrolled emotions leave. _Again, I discover I can do more when I dare._ As I quickly scurried through their minds, like a mouse running along the edges of a room, I found in one of the lesser Sith a burning hatred for the leader and an even larger ambition.

I weaved my suggestion into his mind. _He seeks to kill you on this mission_, that thought said, my voice masked as the whispers of instinct. _He is jealous of your growing power and hopes that the Jedi will remove you. _I continued my tale, twisting memories in his head until all that he remembered were the slights and the times when Darth Bandon had made him go first when they approached danger.

I heard the door to my room open as I continued to whisper into the Sith's head, and I nearly jumped in my hidden spot.

"He is close," Darth Bandon said, "I can sense him though he is hiding. Jert, you go first. I will keep an eye on the hallway."

"Yes, my lord." Jert was seething now, though he tried to mask it. A look of suspicion grew on Darth Bandon's face and then his hand shot out, lightning forking from it to strike Jert in the chest. Jert hurtled across the room, landing almost directly underneath me.

"Do you think that I can not feel your rage, worm? Anger is good, but I suggest that you direct it at another target. The Jedi, for example. Or do you want to die young?"

"No, my lord."

"Good, now do you see anything or will you sulk like our poor little Jedi?"

Jert turned to examine the area, but he didn't think to look up. "It's clear, my lord."

"Then stop sniveling and let's get back to work."

"Yes, my lord."

_Shit!_ I swore in my mind, _So close!_

As Jert lifted himself off the floor, I quickly scurried through his mind again, trying to find another way to stir the pot. And then I found something. _Ah, Bastila, _I laughed silently to myself, _you're more powerful than you know_. I quickly placed the information, and a suggestion, in the mind of the other lesser Sith, Fels.

"Did you know, my lord," Fels, said, "that Jert is in love with the Jedi Bastila? He keeps a picture of her under his pillow. I hear him whisper love poems to her every night."

With a cry of pure rage, Jert launched himself at Fels, his lightsaber jabbing straight at the other Sith's abdomen. It was a clumsy attack, but I was still in Fels mind. I flicked at his senses, distracting him so that his reaction was a touch too slow. He screamed at the lightsaber sliced right through him. A second later, Jert's head rolled past my hiding spot, courtesy of Darth Bandon's strike. Ignoring Fel's whimpering, Darth Bandon looked up at where I was.

"That was well done, little Jedi. You would make a very powerful Sith. Why don't you come down and let's talk about what you can gain if you join us."

I jumped down from my spot, and lit my lightsaber. "If these two are what that the Sith have to offer," I said, my lightsaber pointing at the two fallen Sith, "I think I will pass."

"Good. I was afraid you would accept. Time to die, little man."

He launched himself at me and instinctively I whipped a nearby crate at him with the Force. He dodged nimbly aside, chuckling, but then muttered an oath as I slung one of the Selkath bodies at him. That one he sliced in two, as he did the next two.

"You've run out of bodies, little gizka. Ready to fight?" He said, grinning confidently at me.

"Not even close." I whipped two of the half bodies at him, and then two more, until he was dodging and cutting almost 6 body pieces simultaneously.

"It won't be so easy," he yelled, and he pushed the legs, arms, torsos and skulls away from him, so that they smacked wetly against the walls around. Once again, he started to smile at me, but I just picked up them up again and struck at him until he pushed them away again. And so our dance continued for a long while, Bandon pushing and cutting the pieces of bodies, and I picking them up again to harass him until the weapons I wielded were fifteen or so pieces of bone and bloody flesh of various sizes and shapes. It was a gruesome exercise, but it was keeping me alive.

"Who are you?" he cried, his robes covered in blood and fleshy tissue like a gruesome tapestry and his face a mask of desperation.

"I am Stanti Jerrou, and your doom, Sith!"

"You must be a Sith too!" He dropped down on his knees, his arms stretched outwards, imploring me. "Teach me, my lord. I will serve you faithfully."

"I am no Sith. Do you surrender to the Jedi?"

"Never, but to you, yes!"

I let my gruesome weapons fall to the floor as I considered him carefully. _I am not Sith, merely inventive, _I thought to myself, _but if that is his belief, well, it would be useful to bring him in and interrogate him._ I opened my mouth to accept his surrender, but then I heard a sound from the other fallen Sith. I turned towards him, but then my senses screamed danger at me and I looked quickly back to Darth Bandon. His lightsaber was flying towards me, but I caught it with the Force, just as it burned the cloth of my robes. Darth Bandon struggled to thrust it into me, but I drove it away, putting everything I had into it as I stepped away from the blade. Slowly, the lightsaber turned, until its point was facing Bandon. Then, with gathering speed, it moved towards him.

Just before the lightsaber impaled him, Bandon drew his body up and looked me straight in the eyes. His gaze never wavered and, as the lightsaber cut through his neck, his whispered his last word, "Sith Lord."

I glanced down at my robes, then, but mercifully they were clean of the gore that soaked the room. As I tiptoed around the bodies and body parts, I considered what I had learned today.

First, I was much more powerful in the Force than I had ever known. The Jedi Masters had insisted that I should rely on my lightsaber rather than the Force to fight my battles, but today surely showed that the Force, not my lightsaber, was my best weapon.

Second, the lightsaber that they had helped me build didn't feel quite right. It seemed… unbalanced. I needed to try something different. _Maybe I should try a double-bladed lightsaber instead_, I mused. _Somehow, I think that might be right for me. _The Jedi Masters had told me to stick with the single saber because of my lack of experience, but every time I had watched Bastila fight with her double-bladed lightsaber, I found that I understood her movements better than my own. I had put it off to my romanticism, and my joy of watching her body move, but today had shown me that I needed to try something different to improve my fighting.

Third, I was going to have to find and practice ways to defeat powerful Sith. Body parts had worked well this time, but I could not count on luck and my inventiveness next time. I needed to prepare more strategically for the next battle. As I walked towards the submarine bay, I thought about how I might swing the tide of the next fight between a dark Jedi and myself.

Perhaps it should have worried me a little more, Bandon's insistence that I was a dark Jedi, but I put it out of my mind. I knew who I was.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan)**

Since I had arrived back in Re'cha Dun, I had worked until late every night, until I was so tired I could not think. I didn't want to think. The jewelry just formed itself out of my hands, with no conscious thought on my part.

And then the lost ones, the survivors of the Mandalorian wars, and perhaps other conflicts as well, found me again. How they knew where I was, especially after my two-year hiatus on the _Tulden_, I don't know. But they did, and the jewelry I was making seemed to be the pieces they needed. They paid well for them too, these haunted humans and aliens, and some sat down for a while to talk. I treasured the moments they spent with me more than the funds they gave me, though my wealth seemed to grow as my belly did. Usually, they told me stories from the war, both good and bad, while sharing a meal that I would prepare for us.

Still, these visitors could not replace the ones that I had lost, or the good friend I hoped would return to see his son.

* * *

**Malachor V -- (Kreia)**

I woke up, my heart pounding and my face streaked with tears. After looking around quickly to make sure that I was alone, I wiped my face clean. Ah, how I hated the Force, promising me power and taking away my choices at the same time!

I had dreamed of my days on Coruscant again, the days when I had been happy and young. Back then, the Jedi had provided me with structure, safety, and a sense of purpose. I had never been a particularly powerful Jedi, though I had excelled in my coursework. That I was less powerful had never bothered me. I was content learning about the history and theories of the Jedi. I had found so many wonderful and terrible stories in the Archives of the Jedi Temple. Tales of great heroism, and great villainy. Adventures to places where no sane person would go and tragic loves cut short by the demands of duty, and more recently, by the Jedi Code. Holovids from portentous Council meetings had gripped me in their thrall as Jedi guided the fate of the Republic.

For one who loved history, it had been a paradise to explore and help maintain those archives. Even as young as I was then, I knew that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

I had never expected to be an actor in a great story. My role, I thought, would be as a reader, as one who would remember and make sure that the records would be preserved for later generations. Perhaps, I had thought in my wilder moments, there will come a time when I can actively record important events as they were happening. Perhaps I would accompany a Jedi on a mission and tell of his bravery in saving a planet or exploring a new system. Perhaps one day, I would be trusted enough to participate and record the meetings of the Jedi Council. But to change the fate of the galaxy? That had been beyond the bounds of imagination.

Until long after the visions came.

The first ones had so disturbed me that I had rushed to my Master in the middle of the night in a panic. I still remember his expression when he had opened the door, how concern and impatience had warred on Vrook's face then. He had been newly anointed as a Jedi Master then, and I was his first student. He had always been kind to me, although distant. There were times when we would share a laugh, usually over an observation that one of us had made about another Jedi, but I think he was always careful to not get too close to me. I was beautiful back then, with long, lustrous, dark brown hair, a full body, and blue eyes that spoke of innocence and the open sky.

"Traya, what is wrong? You are… hold on a moment." Vrook rushed into his room and returned with a warm, rumpled blanket that must have been taken from his room. He wrapped it around me carefully. Even today, I'm not sure if he wanted to make sure that I was warm or if he was more concerned about covering the areas that my short nightdress did not cover.

"Come," he said, pushing me gently towards a nearby room in which fountains played a soft melody. He kept his hands on my shoulder as he guided me to the edge of the fountain and then sat me down. "I consider myself very lucky to have been assigned chambers so close to this room. I find the music of these fountains to be the best of all in the Temple." He paused for a moment, then his eyes and Force gently considering me.

"What brings you to my chambers so late in the night, Traya?"

I think, until this particular night, he must have considered himself lucky to have such an ordinary student. That, sadly, would change.

"I have seen a terrible thing. Great danger is coming to the Republic, to the Jedi. Dreadful Sith Lords will wreak havoc among us, until the Jedi Order is no more. Oh Vrook, it was terrible!"

I could see eyebrows close together and his lips mouth the words "Master Vrook, Padawan," but then I burst into tears and buried my head into his shoulders. He awkwardly patted my shoulders as I soaked his nightshirt, waiting for me to regain control of myself. Though he smelled like the harsh soap they used to sterilize the med bay, his body was warm and his awkward attempts to soothe me brought me back fully to the present.

When my crying stopped, he slowly released me. "Was that it?" he asked. "Did you dream of anything else?"

"It was not a dream, Vrook," I said, too distraught to pay mind to his indignant look. "I was meditating as you had instructed. I saw Jedi fight Jedi, ships burning in the sky, and a dreadful power towering above it all, like some kind of puppet master."

"Did you see any faces? Who is this puppet master? Did you recognize any of the Sith?"

"I only saw that one person clearly. She was old and her face was deeply scarred. Her hair was long and white, split into two braids. And her eyes… they were dark pools that swallowed light and hope." I shivered as I recalled the smile she had given me, bitter and cold like the storms on the ice fields of Hoth. I recalled how I had reached out to her, somehow how drawn to the deep sadness that seemed to lurk behind that smile. She had frozen me with a glance. _Not yet, _she had whispered in my mind, _not yet._ I had woken up shivering, petrified, and yet feeling a deep sense of loss.

"Vrook, there was something familiar about her, though I can't place it. She's mad, I think, and heartless. She wants to end the Force, to kill us all." I grabbed Vrook's arms then, shaking him. "We must stop her, Vrook!"

"End the Force," Vrook responded, his voice echoing the doubting expression on his face. "Why would a Sith do that? They depend on the Force as much as we do."

"I don't know if she was Sith. She felt different somehow."

"Have you ever met a Sith, Traya?"

"No, Vr…" and then seeing the frown I had missed the previous times, I corrected myself. "No Master Vrook, I have not."

"Then it would be hard for you to tell, would it not?"

"Yes Master, I will endeavour not to jump to conclusions next time."

"Good. Now, go to bed. We will talk about this vision of yours tomorrow with the other Masters."

"Yes, Master Vrook."

We did talk about it the next morning, but none of them had felt what I had. Although I continued to have visions of a disaster to come, the Jedi Masters never acted. Instead, they took turns asking me questions about the visions, and about my emotional state. Each session ended with an admonition that I should meditate more often. Later that year, they sent me to Dantooine, saying that the calm air would do me good.

It was only later that I found out that they thought I was a little mad. Apparently, some of the Masters had told the others that I was in love with Vrook, and that I was making up the visions in a feeble attempt to get his attention. It was true that I had gone to him each time, but that was because I had trusted him, back then. It had never occurred to me that they would think such things of me. I had really believed in that aspect of the Jedi Code. _Even now, I do_.

Many years later, near the end of the Mandalorian wars, Revan showed me the records of the Jedi Council discussing what to do about my "infatuation" with Vrook. He also showed me the confidential diary of one of the Council members. In her diary, I found a section describing a conversation she had with Vrook in which he had confessed his growing attraction to me. Apparently, this Council member had decided to throw the blame on me in order to separate us. _I don't want Vrook to be embarrassed_, she wrote on the next page, _for he is such a promising Jedi_. _No doubt, he will one day sit on the Council._

_What about me?_ I had thought that fateful day, after Revan had shown me all this. _Why couldn't I have sat on the Council "one day?" _

I had wanted to confront Vrook and the other Masters on Dantooine right there and then. I had lost so many years, during which I could have enjoyed the wonders of the Jedi Temple's Archives. There had been so many lives lost that could have been avoided if they had just listened to my visions. _What idiots!_

Revan, though, had suggested a different course of action. "They were fools to ignore your visions, Traya. Your prophecy, which even now is coming true. That is why they must be stopped. Join Malak at my side. Help us save the Republic and defeat the true Sith. Help me create a new Jedi Order."

And so I did.

It was only a year later that I realized that I was the woman in my early dreams.

* * *

**The Ebon Hawk -- (Stanti Jerrou). Two weeks later**

Two days ago, we had recovered the third star map from Kashyyyk. Now we were on our way to the final planet, Korriban. A planet of the Sith, one as powerfully defended as Dantooine. According to Carth, we would reach it in three more days.

I was sitting in co-pilot's chair, staring into darkness in a companionable silence with Carth, when Bastila walked in.

"I need to speak with you Stanti," she said, and then she walked out again before I could respond.

"You better go," Carth said, chuckling quietly.

"She's been ignoring me ever since I made my double-bladed lightsaber. I've tried talking to her countless times, with no results. And now she wants to talk with me, when I'm finally just relaxing? I don't think so."

Carth just smiled, keeping his eyes focused on the emptiness outside the _Ebon Hawk_. Carth's mood had improved drastically ever since Bastila had started ignoring me. He had started inviting me to share a drink or to play a game of pazaak with Mission and him. I think it made him feel better that he wasn't the only person being snubbed by the "Jedi," who were all, at least in his mind, represented for now in the slight figure of Bastila.

Of course, none of this meant that he trusted me anymore than he had before.

"Force be damned." Despite the urging of my pride to the contrary, I knew that there was no avoiding this meeting with Bastila so I got up and went to find her. HK-47's eyes tracked me as I moved through the holomap room. Just before I left the room, it spoke.

"Query: Where are you going, Master?"

"To speak to Bastila, HK." I don't know why, but I felt an easy familiarity with HK. He had a direct, practicality about him, although a dark one, that I appreciated for its blunt honesty and focused purpose. Plus, I just loved the way he mocked us, both by his appearance and through his words. I did not tell the others of my feelings. I thought they would find my affection for HK strange and I really didn't want another lecture on the dark side.

"Plaintive request: Please take me with you, Master. I would love to facilitate communications between you and the irritable Jedi."

For a moment, I was truly tempted to bring him along, to shake things up a bit or to avoid another lecture.

"Sorry, HK, but I will make sure you get a chance to facilitate communications as soon as we reach Korriban." I could tell that HK was pleased with that prospect, for the light from his visual receptors increased in intensity for a few moments. Chuckling, I resumed my search for Bastila.

I soon found her in the starboard dormitory, where Juhani, Mission, and she slept. Mission and Juhani passed me on my way in. Mission was smiling and raised her eyebrow when my eyes met hers. Juhani, on the other hand, bared her teeth, and I thought I heard a soft purr. _How can a purr be so mocking?_ I thought as I stared at her retreating back. Then, sighing, I entered the dormitory.

"Okay Bastila," I started to say. I started when I felt the breeze of the door as it slammed shut behind me. "What's so important that you would deign to talk to me after ignoring me for two weeks?" I continued, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I was deeply in love with the woman, but these days she was making me more angry than the Sith were.

"You should trust in our advice more, Stanti. You have been a Jedi for only 2 months or so now. There are many more traps and pitfalls than we have been able to tell you about, and your training has been very minimal at best. Despite all your natural talent, you are still highly vulnerable, both to the Sith and the dark side."

As Bastila continued to lecture me, her face got redder and her voice more stern, but I realized that there was something underlying her apparent anger. I probed gently with my Force, not through our bond but through more broadly and surreptitiously. And that was how I found it.

_Fear. Fear that the mission will fail, yes, that's part of it, but there's more. _I continued to pretend that I was listening, putting on the bored face that I normally wore when she subjected me to her lectures. At the same time, I made my probe broader, more unfocused, letting impressions float to my senses rather than searching directly for them. I was afraid that if I started deliberately searching my mind, she would sense my intent through her defenses or through the bond. Still, I was hard put to maintain my façade when the next emotion touched my senses.

_She's afraid for me, afraid that she will lose me. She really does care! Ha, she probably doesn't even acknowledge to herself either! _However, my surprises were not over, for another dimension of her fear touched my senses.

_She's also scared of me. Why?_

"Stanti, are you listening to me?" Bastila said, her feet tapping the metal floor of the room when I started. "This is very important."

I opened my mouth to ask her why she was afraid of me, but then I paused. _No, better to earn her trust the hard way than confront her on all this. She's not one to easily face her own feelings, _I realized.

"I'm sorry, Bastila, but we have been over these points a million times. I respect your wisdom and that of the Council but I must also respect the Force and what it tells me. Can you understand that?"

"The Force can tell you many things, Stanti, and not all of them are wise. Some will lead you to the dark side unless you have the wisdom to discern between temptation and insight. That wisdom is developed over long study, with the help of those who have delved into the Force for more years that we have been alive."

"Do you sense darkness around me, Bastila?" I said, my frustration at Carth's and her distrust of me finally overtopping my walls of reserve. "Where is this dark side in me? Where are this anger and hatred?"

Bastila opened her mouth to interrupt, but I did not let her. "The only time I feel angry is when you lecture me like this. And the only reason why I feel it is because I would rather be discussing how beautiful and amazing you are than talking over and over again about the dark side. You could be so much more, if you would just let yourself be human as well as Jedi."

Bastila had been red before, but now her face drained of all color as her hands flew to her mouth. "I can't! The Code…"

I couldn't stay still anymore. "People have loved each other deeply and fully for millennia, Bastila," I said, moving towards her with my hands outstretched, pleading. I stopped when she moved away from me, my arms still reaching out towards her. "Even Jedi have loved in the past, born children and stayed in the light. Yes, Bastila, the Code is important. I agree. On this issue, however, it is wrong."

"What do you know about Jedi and love?" she whispered.

"I did a lot of research on it," I said, my brows furrowing as I tried to figure out why she was suddenly afraid of me again.

"When?"

"I don't remember exactly when. What does it matter?" I said, waving the question away. "What's important is that, until recently, the Jedi loved, wed, and had children without all negative consequences the Jedi Council now warns us of. And look at the Jedi now. Have less people fallen to the dark side? No! If anything, the opposite is true, as this war now shows us."

I paused, seeing if Bastila wanted to say something, but she just stared at me with eyes bigger than I had ever seen, emotions of hope, fear, and desperation swirling through them like leaves on a windy day.

"Damn it, Bastila! I've loved you since the moment I saw you. It's not lust, it's not the dark side, it's just something that makes my heart stop and a breath last for a lifetime. I don't know why, because you are the most irritating woman I have ever met, but I am drawn to you like a flower towards the light. My face always turns towards you, no matter how far you are or how dense the clouds."

I was going to say more, but my lips were filled with her warm ones and time stopped, the galaxy stopped spinning. For a long while, and perhaps for the first time, I had no thoughts at all, except for one small observation. _What use has a flower for words?_

* * *

**(Bastila)**

I could not believe that I was kissing him, and I could not believe it had taken me so long. Was this man who held me so tight, who kissed me so tenderly, the same man who had commanded the darkest forces of our time? I had thought I knew the answers, but my heart now formed its own.

I had been finding it increasingly difficult to believe that this man, Stanti, was the same man who had threatened me so horribly as Darth Revan. Where Revan had threatened to rape me, Stanti gave me all the space I needed while quietly, but forcefully, letting me know how he felt about me. His approach was not the complicated seduction that others had warned me about during my days at the Academy, or had sighed over when the lights had gone out. No, what Stanti did was simply direct. "Here's how I feel. I will give you all the time you need, I won't try to make you feel the same, but I won't lie about it." _How could he have known how powerfully this approach would affect me?_

Then, my thoughts scattered before the gentle, sweet torture his lips inflicted upon mine. A few of my fellow, female Padawans had whispered to me about the different aspects of lovemaking, but they had never told me about this. _How could such a simple act as touching lips become something I could spend forever doing?_

Then the ship shook violently and we were thrown to the ground. As we got to our feet, Carth's voice crackled on the ship's speakers. "We've been dragged out of hyperspace."

It was, we learned quickly, Admiral Saul Karath's ship, the _Leviathan_.

* * *

Knight Savtrian: Wow, thanks! I'm glad you like Malak. Somehow, the story never spends enough time on him (damn fingers), yet I love writing him. 

Seila Hans and Adrianna: yep, Xi Lan's got a bun in the oven and Toxel is the dad. You didn't find out much about Xi Lan in this chapter, but her and her child's turn will come soon. And then…

SworkFreak92: Thanks, keep reading!

Trillian4210: Yeah, Xi Lan is getting tossed around in the wind right now, but she'll have her moments soon. I miss her when I don't write about her, but there's so much interesting stuff about the other characters that my fingertips seemed determined to describe. And I know she'll get some good moments soon. Still, hopefully a bit of Revan/Stanti, Bastila, and Kreia/Traya will keep the fires burning.

Brazilian Sith Lord: Thanks as always!

* * *


	9. Chapter 9: Leviathan

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

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_Thanks to reviewers at the bottom:_

_Thanks again to Brazilian Sith Lord and Trillian 4210  
for the __(today's adjective is:) __stupendous beta-reads_

* * *

_**Chapter 9: Leviathan**_

* * *

**Statement**: HK is not available at the moment to give a disclaimer to the whiny meatbags. He is playing a major part in the chapter below. 

**Threat: **Any attempt to harm my Master over his use of copyrighted characters will result in the removal of a mini-meatbag.

* * *

**Detention Level, Leviathan (HK-47)**

As the meatbag Stanti had outlined his different ideas for how each of us might escape our impending imprisonment on the Leviathan, I found my core temperature increasing in admiration for his devious thinking. _Astonished observation: This meatbag combines the best of organic creativity and instinct with the cold, unhesitating rationality of a droid. Reluctant concession: perhaps a meatbag with such questionable morals can be worth following after all. _

Now, as I stood over the smoking wreckage of the droid that had tried to reprogram me, I contemplated the list of suggestions that Master had given me. From the seven ideas meatbag Stanti had provided, I had narrowed down the list to three options. One, to capture a Sith droid, reprogram it, and then have it "escort" me around the ship. Two, to pretend to be reprogrammed and then find a way to move around the ship. Three, my favorite, to slaughter everyone and everything in sight until I found the others. I allowed my neural network to contemplate for a few seconds whether the meatbag Jedi had added the last option as a jest. Then I dismissed the question. The last option was the only option that caused my lubricating system to increase its emissions. _Contented resignation: An order is an order._

"Option assessment: To achieve my goal, I need a weapon. Correction: A big weapon."

Upon inspection, the wrecked droid had a simple blaster pistol incorporated into its chassis. As I extracted the weapon from its ruins, I whistled. It was something that meatbags like to do when they are happy. _Satisfied statement: Whistling is a great tool for assassination. I was able to kill at least two Jedi because they hesitated when I started whistling. Mockery: Meatbags are always confused when droids exhibit humanoid behavior._

Pulling out the small disruptor pistol I hid in my left leg, I started towards the door. _Assessment: I should use stealth here. _I rarely used stealth anymore, preferring open mayhem and slaughter and the fear it evoked. Still, I am a Hunter-Killer droid and so fully equipped with the appropriate enhancements. I activated the sound-dampening, stealth field contained in my chassis and my feet extruded a thick sole of soft rubber. _Musing: I believe my creator had made my walking noisy on purpose, so that my victims would assume that I could never move silently. Satisfied deduction: my creator must have been a droid to have designed me so perfectly._

Approaching the door, I directed more power to my aural receptors, listening to see if there were any soldiers on the other side of the door or in the corridor. There were none.

_Mockery: Meatbags always underestimate droids._

I opened the door, and looked up and down the corridor. No one was visible, though I heard the regular march of sentries coming from multiple directions.

_Assessment: I need to find out where out where my Master is. Therefore, I will need a droid or meatbag "willing" to tell me. Contented musing: I do so like my job._

The nearest sounds seemed to be coming from my right, so I started in that direction. The corridor was long, with few doors. I listened at each, trying to determine which ones might have occupants. Finally, I found one in which two meatbags seemed to be engaging in procreation.

_Shudder: Such a nauseating and inefficient way to reproduce._

After glancing up and down the corridor to make sure I was unobserved, I tested the lock. It was open. Resisting the urge to whistle, I opened the door and quickly stepped in.

"Mocking command: Freeze fluid exchanging meatbags, before I am forced to blast you to save my processors from shutting down."

The man stopped his movements as I closed the door with one hand, but the woman meatbag on top continued bouncing on the male meatbag for a few moments before she realized that something was happening. Turning around quickly, she saw me and then leaped towards a blaster rifle hanging on a nearby chair.

As the unique slapping sound of a falling corpse tickled by aural receptors, I contemplated yet again the wonder of disintegrators. Most of her head was gone, with very little excess body fluids or parts on the floor. It was a gratifying testament to my skill with blasters, though I still preferred a good rifle.

"Satisfied sigh: Ah, I do so much love you impulsive blood balloons."

The meatbag's eyes went almost all white and I felt a delicious fluctuation in my hydraulic systems. I was aware of over seventy thousand different ways of saying meatbag in the fifteen thousand languages I could simulate. I enjoyed each one proportionate to the amount that the organic beings squirmed when I used it.

"Mocking query: Male meatbag with the unfortunately small extension, I trust you will not make the same mistake?"

The Sith shook his head from side to side vigorously even as he drew the sheets over his torso.

"Menacing demand: Tell me where the Jedi have been taken, now! Threat: Or I will have to borrow your shrinking vibrosword."

"No!" he cried, his hands flying up as if to ward me off. "Don't kill me, I will do whatever you want!"

"Rumination: Maybe I should just kill you and find another helpful meatbag."

"They are in the detention block on this level." The meatbag's words were pouring out of him now, accompanied by the current-enhancing sight of his wide-open eyes and glistening sweat. "It's left out this door. Down the corridor, past two crossing corridors. Follow the corridor past as it turns left and right, and you will be outside the door."

"Barely contained irritation: Tell me about the security arrangements. You would not like it if I had to come back here."

"The door has to be opened from an outside security room. That room is left down the second corridor, first door on the right." I stared at the meatbag silently, enhancing the red color of my photoreceptors, until the meatbag continued.

"The room is guarded by two soldiers and there is one guard that patrols the corridor. As for the system, you will need a security card to get into it. There is one in the woman's pocket."

"Impatient query: Is that all?"

"You could try to make a diversion using the prisoners down the first corridor. They can be released from the same security terminal." Then the meatbag leaned forward, raising his hands to me. It was a pose that never failed to increase my core temperature. "Please master droid, let me live. I don't know anything else."

I thought about it for approximately 0.2 seconds.

"Grudging concession: Because you have been so informative, I will give you ten seconds to provide me with a reason not to terminate your sorry existence."

"I will tell all the children on this ship how scary you are. I will tell them to respect droids more or you will come to them when they sleep and kill them."

As he continued to outlin his idea, I found my neural processors warmed by the thought of all those future baby meatbags trembling at the thought of me. After suggesting a few word changes, like "exterminate," and "wanton slaughter of your entire meatbag family" to the inventive meatbag's proposed story, I discovered I was pleased.

"Astonishment: You are a very helpful and clever meatbag. In different circumstances, I might keep you for my amusement. Threat: If I determine that you have not kept your word, I will find you and you will not like the next story that people tell about you and me."

The meatbag opened his oral orifice to utter some placation, but I knocked him out and tied him up with a sheet. Leaving the room, I contemplated what the encounter. _Musing: This is the first time I have ever not terminated a witness. Perhaps Master's morals are interfering with my programming? Rebuttal: But this meatbag's proposal should reduce hostilities and improve communications. Dismissed apprehension: I will consider this an "experiment."_

* * *

**Detention chambers. (Bastila)**

"You really don't know, do you?" Admiral Saul Karath said to Stanti and I held my breath. Would he figure it out now? He certainly was intelligent enough to, given all the clues that Saul had given him as well as all that he had learned on our voyage together. I trembled as I waited for the accusations to start, for the glare of hatred and condemnation. Would he finally realize what he is, would he finally turn like we had feared? If he did, it would be the end of the Republic for there was no other who was capable of stopping Malak.

If he did, then what would I do? Would I stay defiant, stand for the Republic despite knowing that there was no hope for it? Or would I finally admit to myself that perhaps I loved Stanti more than the Republic? Would I follow him to the dark side?

A life without Stanti or a life with Stanti, but as a dark Jedi. The choices that yawned beneath my feet were so terrible that I did not notice it at first when the torture field was reactivated. And then, even as the screams scratched their way out from my throat like living things, part of me rejoiced because I realized that Stanti was still Stanti, at least for a few moments longer, and that Karath was torturing me to get information out of him. Was I happy for the Republic, or for me?

Twice more did Karath send the currents of pain through me, trying to bait an answer out of Stanti, but I believed he and I both knew that Stanti would never give him an answer. Stanti was power, but often his flames were as cold as mine were hot. Despite how much he loved me, I knew he could put me and everything else that was important to him aside for the sake of a greater goal. And as the pain threatened to overwhelm me, as it shut down the different parts of me one by one, I realized that there was a question I had never asked.

_What could have made him fall in the first place?_

But that impossible question fled with the pain, for Karath was done with his game. Stanti had not succumbed to his pressure. After some parting words, he left us as the acid flames of the torture chambers once again coated our bodies, stripping us of everything that made us who we were, until only bare animal instinct remained.

For Carth and I, the torture lasted only a few eternities, but the fields of Stanti's chamber and his body twitched in time for ten minutes or more, far beyond the time in which Stanti was conscious. Was Karath taking some kind of revenge on his former Lord, or was he just afraid that Stanti could escape otherwise?

When Stanti woke up, perhaps thirty minutes after his torture was finished, I spoke with him but I couldn't hold the words of the conversation in my mind. I think I told him something like I had shared his pain or some other such nonsense. But all the time, my mind was consumed with one puzzle. What was I going to do when he discovered who he really was? No, that was not the true question. What was I going to do if he cast me aside, if the eyes he turned towards me were cold, hating, contemptuous?

The Code. I treasured it because of the protection it offered me from the chaotic world. The Order. I had fought to protect it with every ounce of my being. So how had those things become so trivial compared to the feelings that one man had about me?

Then I heard the door open and I moved impulsively to put myself between Stanti and whoever had come, only to be stopped short by the force cage.

* * *

**Malak's flagship _Reborn_ _-- _(Malak the Sith Lord)**

As I turned off the holoprojector connection to Saul, I felt a wild joy suffuse me for the first time since I had seen Revan's flagship disintegrate under my bombardment. I could not contain the feeling, could not stand still, and so I lit my lightsabre and launched into the formal movements of the Juyo form.

_He's alive!_

For once, both parts of me eagerly anticipated the same thing, though for different reasons. My ghost wanted to see his friend, to find out how he fared and how much he had forgotten. I wanted to know too, but what I really desired was to test my newfound powers against the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy. I had grown much more powerful since the day I had betrayed Revan. Now was the time to put those powers to the test. _I won't be pushed around any more_. _Now, we will really see who is the Master. _

For all his goodness and loyalty, I think my ghost also looked forward to upcoming battle. _If there was anything that links the two sides of me_, I thought as I waited for my shuttle to be prepared, _it is the prospect of a challenge against the odds_.

* * *

**Corridors of Leviathan, detention level (HK-47)**

"Stop right there, droid! This section is off limits. What are you doing here?"

"Apology: I am most sorry fleshy one. Is this not the way to droid repair shop? My memory has been damaged."

"No this is not, so turn your durasteel hide around and…"

"Submissive interruption: Would you be so good as to point the way?"

The patrol guard looked at me for a long moment, and then lifted one hand from his rifle to point to his left. I quickly drove my durasteel fist into his throat, which collapsed with a satisfying squishing sound. As his hands flew to his throat, I grabbed his helmet and twisted. The cracking sound of his neck breaking was muted by his armor, but my aural receptors were still enhanced enough to enjoy the sound.

As I dragged the corpse into the nearby room, I contemplated how my body experienced these reactions each time I killed someone. Was it something that my creator had programmed into me or was it something that I had developed over time? Then, as I pushed the corpse behind some buckets, I put such thoughts aside. What mattered was the moment.

I was about to leave, but then I realized that something was strange. _Surprised discovery: Buckets? Mops? What about the cleaning droids?_ I thought about it, comparing the discovery with my databank of experiences. _Satisfied discovery: These are probably used to punish soldiers. In my work with the Hutt, he would sometimes force his thugs to clean up the bloody messes when they were bad._ Grabbing the bucket and mop, I headed for the security room.

"Halt droid," said the first canned meatbag when I opened the door. "What in…, droid, why do you have the mop and bucket?"

"Humiliating confession: Excuse me, kind soft-tissue one. I am a protocol droid that is being punished. I was told to clean up the mess in the torture chambers. Confidential aside: Apparently, Admiral Karath is engaging in random mayhem and mischief with the Jedi."

"Damn, I would like to see that. I hate being stuck in this stupid computer room."

"Fawning observation: Can't the armored fluid sacs watch the bloody meat processing through the security system?"

"That's forbidden," the nearby guard said slowly, looking towards his counterpart.

"But who would know?" said the other as he strode quickly towards the terminal. After the meatbags pushed me aside to access the terminal, I quickly grabbed the two blaster pistols from the hidden compartment in my leg.

"Mocking gift: Allow me to bring the gore to you first hand." The soldiers started to turn around as I pressed the blasters to their skulls and pulled the triggers.

"Annoyance: They really should equip their droids better." I had to shoot the left twitching corpse a second time, because the laser I had salvaged from the droid wasn't powerful enough.

"Statement: Ah well… Normally, I enjoy a slow death, but I have my orders to fulfill.

Gratifying discovery: This meatbag has a repeating Mandalorian blaster rifle. Thank you, cooling animal protein, for providing the means to upgrade my capabilities."

I used the security terminal to review the deployment of the remaining victims between my Master and I. Only three remained, so I felt I could dispose of this silly trickery. Reaching into my right leg compartment, I pulled out a scope and stunning chamber. After screwing both in their place, I quickly perused the rifle.

"Loving observation: There is nothing like a powerful, modified, repeating blaster in the hands of an efficient Hunter-Killer droid. It brings meaning to this pathetic galaxy."

Cocking the rifle under my right upper limb, I walked out of the room and started towards the torture room. As I walked towards the room, I saw two guards at the corner ahead of me.

"Mocking shout: Excuse me meatbags, there are two corpses down there. I need to clean them up."

"What? Where…"

"Confident statement: Right where you are."

I raised the rifle and quickly sighted down it at the first guard. Pulling the trigger, I felt the electrical currents in my chassis increase as the fleshy body flew into several pieces. Then I aimed at the second guard as he brought his weapon to bear. His shot missed me, typical of meatbag inefficiency, as I pulled the trigger a second time. I held it down a moment longer than needed, enjoying the bloody display being formed on the wall behind the falling carcass.

"Contented musing: Perhaps I should start a new form of art based on meatbag entrails and blaster scorching."

I had to shorten my contemplation of that pleasing opportunity when I heard a third guard speaking into his commlink. Running around the corner, I saw the third guard peaking his head out from behind the next corner. Before he could duck back, I turned his head into gory pulp.

After dragging the three corpses out of sight, I headed towards the terminal that would open the detention cells.

* * *

**Detention room, _Leviathan_. (Bastila)**

My feelings were decidedly mixed when HK-47 walked through the door. On the one hand, I was delighted to be rescued. On the other, well… how could any droid look so smug and so evil?

"Delighted exclamation: There you are, friendly meatbags! Please join me," he continued as he pressed the cage release button. "There is much work to be done here if we are to cease hostilities."

Stanti staggered as he tried to stand up and I moved quickly to lend him a hand.

"Thank you, Bastila," he said. Such a simple phrase and yet I analyzed it for every nuance of meaning.

He was angry, very angry, and yet the gaze he turned towards me was kind. He was worried about me when it was he who had suffered the most.

"Let's get out of here," he said, his yes not leaving me for a second. "HK, where are the rest of the crew?"

"Statement: In the adjacent detention rooms, Master. Would you like me to release them?"

"Yes, do so now. Do you know where our equipment is stored?"

"Condolences: most of the weaponry has already been distributed among the soldiers, Master. However, your lightsabre and robes are in the next room. According to the computer records, they are being kept for Lord Malak's pleasure. Inspiration: I have left a few Sith bodies along the way. I believe there are enough to provide weapons and armor for the rest of the crew."

"That will have to do." Stanti turned to towards the rest of the crew, who were just sprinting out of their detention room.

"Mission, please help HK strip the bodies. HK will show you where. Jolee, Juhani, Bastila get our lightsabres and robes and prepare to defend the corridor if necessary."

Juhani paused for a second, looking at me with her eyebrow raised. Was I coming, she asked without words. I shook my head slightly to indicate that I wanted to stay here. Juhani nodded to me and went off. I knew that she would bring my equipment, and Stanti's too.

I just didn't feel comfortable leaving Stanti right now and somehow she had sensed it. I was brought back to the conversation by Zaalbar's growl.

What can I do?

"Zaalbar, let's use your computer hacking skills. Can you set up some kind of program to set off alarms in different sections of the ship at our direction? Don't activate it, just set it up so that we can trigger it from a commlink," Stanti said, clapping Zaalbar on his arm.

I'll try. Zaalbar growled.

"Thank you. Canderous, Carth, we need a plan to get off the ship now."

"The only way off this ship is to disable the hangar shields, and that can only be done from the bridge," Carth said, his eyes grim.

Stanti looked at him for a long moment, then nodded. Right then, Juhani handed lightsabres and robes to Stanti and me. I quickly started dressing and almost missed Stanti's brief glance in my direction. He was too controlled to let his emotions show or to let them distract him, but I could sense his appreciation through our bond. I didn't know whether to slow down in the hopes that he might look again or to hurry up because I was embarrassed by his reaction. Then I noticed Canderous eyes moving down my body, too slowly, so I chose the quicker option.

"Just be careful Carth," Stanti continued, "there's more at stake here than personal revenge. Bastila and I will go with you. Canderous," he said more sharply, jerking the Mandalorian's eyes from me, "you will have to take the rest of the crew and make your way to the hangar."

"Don't you worry about that!" Canderous said, his eyes glowing, "I know how to deal with the guards. They won't know what hit them!"

"Zaalbar, download the directions into HK's memory will you?" Stanti continued as he put on the robes that I handed him.

"Aggrieved protest: I have already downloaded the entire schematics of the ship and plotted the five best escape routes, Master."

"Forgive me HK, I should have known better. Good luck, people. Let Canderous take the lead, he has the experience. Canderous, make use of HK's knowledge. Wait until our signal before taking the ship, if you can. We'll meet you in the hangar as soon as possible."

"Understood," Canderous said, examining the blaster rifle Mission had handed him. "Just get the damn hangar doors open."

Stanti nodded and then the rest of the crew was off.

"Carth, Bastila, let's go before the alarms go off. Carth, stay behind us as usual."

We started making our way to elevator then, following Zaalbar's map of the ship's layout.

* * *

We had fought hard to reach the bridge, but not hard enough. It was likely that there were a thousand soldiers or more on this ship, and we had certainly encountered less than that. So where were they? 

It was a question I had not been able to ask myself until now, as Stanti paused to consider the door to the Bridge. We had not had the time before to reflect on these things.

Looking at Carth, I felt a sense of grim satisfaction from him and I realized that he must have intentionally directed us here to confront Admiral Karath. I glanced quickly at Stanti then, and he gave me a quick nod. He had known, but had not said anything about it. I started to wonder why, but then Stanti opened the door with a flick of his mind and I prepared for battle.

Surprisingly, we were not attacked. Instead, Admiral Karath, the two dark Jedi, and the other soldiers seemed to be waiting for us. Before I could think of how to react to this strange lull, Stanti and Carth walked calmly into the bridge. I quickly followed.

"Very resourceful, very resourceful indeed." Karath said.

Karath and Carth started talking to each other, but I largely ignored them as I watched for trouble from the other enemies arrayed around us. I held no illusions that this would end peacefully. I think both Carth and Karath had to talk at least a little before they could reconcile themselves to the prospect of trying to kill one another. It was tragic that our path to confrontation was already set, but such are things usually when the Force is involved.

Then Stanti said something along the lines of not surrendering and I extended my Force, protecting us from blaster bolts as Stanti normally did. For a brief moment, I felt his approval and then a wave of power flowed from him as he knocked Karath and his two dark Jedi to the ground. Once more, I was amazed at how quickly Stanti's power continues to grow despite all of the Council's attempts to mute it, but then I was distracted by the blaster bolts of the guards.

As I deflected the bolts back towards the guards, I sensed the two dark Jedi recovering quickly from Stanti's blast. One tried to choke Stanti, but Stanti easily brushed the attempt aside. He did not move forward though. Instead, he seemed to concentrate for a second and then the blasters in the hands of the soldiers started to turn towards the dark Jedi, even as their wielders struggled to restrain them. A second later, and the dark Jedi were defending themselves from the shots of their own troops.

Carth and Karath were armed with blaster pistols and energy shields. They only paused in their shooting when they needed to activate a new shield before the old one collapsed. Both ignored everything else, concentrating solely on their own duel.

The soldiers had let go of their weapons, and I shook myself out of my daze as they drew their swords. It was an eerie sight, to see those blaster rifles doing battle with the dark Jedi as their former owners dodged around them to engage us. And that gave me an idea. Before they could go around them, I pulled the soldiers to my right in front of the firing blasters. Shot at such short range, they were killed instantly. Turning quickly, I did the same to the soldiers there. Now only the dark Jedi and Karath remained.

Stanti and the two dark Jedi were at a standstill. The two dark Jedi were successfully defending themselves against the blasters, but they could not advance. Stanti was also stuck, for he could not move and maintain control at the same time. I was free, though.

"Concentrate on the left one," I yelled at Stanti and the blasters quickly concentrated on their new target. I jumped over the blaster fire before the newly-freed dark Jedi could react, and engaged him with my lightsabre.

I soon discovered that he was a masterful lightsabre wielder, better than I, and I soon found myself on the defensive. The Sith started to smile, and he changed his direction of attack, driving me towards the area traversed by Stanti and Carth's blaster fire. I tried pushing him with my Force, but he resisted. Then, with a curse, the dark Jedi stepped back as a body whipped by him, propelled by Stanti's Force. As distracted as I was, I could not but marvel at the control that Stanti had, to wield so many weapons on more than one foe at a time. And then he surprised me again.

"Enough," Stanti said, his voice cold and determined. The lightsabres of the two Jedi started to sway in their hands even as the blasters clattered on the ground. I paused for a moment, confused by the actions of the Sith, but then I understood. Stanti was trying to seize control of their weapons just as he had done with the soldiers.

It's not an easy thing to take control of a lightsabre from a Force wielder. We are more attuned to lightsabres than anything else, and they respond to us almost as if they were living things. Try to pull a lightsabre away from a Jedi, physically or with the Force, and you have to combat the lightsabre as well as its wielder. Such attempts were rarely successful, even when one Jedi was much stronger than the other.

For Stanti to tackle the lightsabres of two powerful dark Jedi at the same was unheard of. I could feel his struggle as he fought for control of the weapons, and I moved to intercede.

"Don't," gasped out Stanti and I felt his fear for me and how it weakened his focus.

The two Jedi started to grin, but then I stopped and Stanti's efforts redoubled. Soon, the swords were swinging back and forth wildly and then, like the blasters before, they started to turn on their owners. Slowly, inexorably, the points moved towards the chests of the Sith and then, in a flash, the Sith cried out as the lightsabres pierced them. Then there was a moment of absolute stillness, before the lightsabres and Jedi crashed to the floor as one.

Though Carth and Karath continued to blindly battle each other, I had to look back at Stanti then. _Such power_, I thought as I noted the thick streams of light that seemed to flare about him. _Even broken, he surpasses us all. For all my Jedi training, for all my supposed power, I can not help but envy him. _I think he sensed my thoughts then, for his eyes focused on me.

"You can do this too, Bastila," he said, his voice barely audible over the sound of blaster fire and yet intense and unavoidable. He opened his mouth to say more, but then Karath's cry brought us back to the reality of the moment. Turning, I saw Karath fall to the ground, his chest smoking in two places. Carth ran up to Karath, his blaster trained on him the whole time.

"It's time to finish this," Carth rasped, but I sensed his reluctance even over the anger in his voice.

"No, Carth," Stanti said, "don't give into your hatred. It's not worth it."

"Don't you understand what this man has done to my life? Do you know the pain he's brought me?"

"Killing him won't ease the pain, Carth!" I cried then. "Do not become what you despise." _Don't be like me with my lust for power. Be noble. Help me be noble._

I should have said these words aloud. I wanted… No I needed help but I was too proud, too ashamed to say the words I should have. Before I could change my mind, Saul's hushed voice broke the spell.

"Carth… must tell you… must tell you something… come closer…"

For a moment, Carth seemed ready to pull the trigger, but then I felt his resignation and a brief thought. _Even now, I can not resist him._ Carth bent down for a moment to hear Karath's last words while Stanti and I moved away to give them space. As Karath continued to whisper into Carth's ear, Stanti looked at me, and I knew that he wanted an explanation for the turbulent emotions within me. I searched frantically to find the will to tell him, to tell him everything but I couldn't find a way past my loyalty to the Order. I couldn't find a way to open myself up. I didn't want to face what I hid inside.

And then Karath's voice gained strength for one last thrust into our hearts.

"You didn't know, did you? Ha ha ha. Remember my dying words. Remember them whenever… whenever you look at those you thought were your friends!"

Carth shot straight up, a rocket barely tethered to the ground.

"H-He's gone. … He said…" He turned to look at Stanti and I could feel the anger and hurt inside him. "It can't be true, can it? No. No… no – it can't! Damn you, Saul! Damn you!"

"Forget it, Carth," Stanti said gently, "We need to go, we can deal with this later."

Carth wouldn't budge though and his eyes turned to mine, the accusation in them cutting through my already crumbling defenses.

"Bastila… it is true, isn't it? And… and you knew! You and the whole damn Jedi Council! You knew the whole time!"

_Not now, we need to get out of here, Malak is … I can't … I can't tell him, I can't face him, I can't see his face go cold when he realizes how I've betrayed him._

"Carth, it's not what you think. We had no other choice! Please, you don't understand…"

"So make me understand!"

"Not here, Carth. Please… there's no time. Malak is coming. This isn't the place. Please, Carth, I'm asking you to trust me. For a little while longer."

"She's right, Carth," Stanti said, his voice brooking no opposition, "This isn't the time. We can get into this after we escape."

For a long, perilous moment, Carth stood there, his body shaking as the practical soldier in him fought with the betrayed man.

"I'll trust you, Bastila but as soon as we're off this ship I expect some answers!"

"Of course, Carth. As soon as we get to the Ebon Hawk I'll explain everything. To both of you, I promise."

_There, I've said it. I can't back down now. _I glanced surreptitiously at Stanti, trying to gauge his feelings_. Has he figured it out yet? _I wondered. It was impossible to tell, he was so good at masking his feelings.

As Carth quickly walked over to the computer console to open the hangar doors, I tried to ignore the feeling that Stanti's eyes were burning into the back of my skull.

* * *

**Hangar Deck, _Leviathan _(Malak the Sith Lord)**

I could feel him approach, and her too. _So much power they have, both of them, and yet not enough. They do not know what I have become._

I had arrived 10 minutes ago and quickly discovered that Revan, Bastila, and their crew had broken free of their cells and were in the midst of confronting Saul. I could feel the power being expended on the bridge and I basked in its death, fear, and anger.

When the battle was over, I scanned the rest of the Leviathan with the Force, quickly discovering where the _Ebon Hawk_ was. Then it had simply been a matter of selecting the best place to intercept Revan and Bastila. Now, I awaited them in a small maze of doors and corridors designed to confound any enemies that might seek to board the ship.

Soon, I could feel them approach and then I knew the moment had come. Reaching out with the Force, I opened the door in front of me and strode out to meet them. _Revan, old friend, you still look the same_, my ghost thought. It was true. Power shone from him as brightly as it ever had and I found it hard not to give way before him. I felt my heart start to race and I _reveled_ in it.

_Finally, we shall see_, the ghost and I thought, and we hardly noticed Carth firing at us, nor our own actions to stop him.

"I hope you weren't thinking of leaving so soon, Bastila." _Does Revan know? How will he respond?_ "I've spent far too much energy hunting you and your companions down to let you get away from me now."

If anything would get Revan to respond, it would be a threat to Bastila. Through the Force, I could tell that his feelings for her remained as strong as before. More delightfully, I could tell that she returned them.

"Besides, I had to see for myself if it was true. Even now, I can hardly believe my eyes… tell me, why did the Jedi spare you? Is it vengeance you seek at this reunion?" _Still, he does not react. As always, old friend, you are under perfect control_. The last two words were spoken in echo, one mourning and the other contemptuous.

"This meeting was inevitable, Malak," Revan said then, but still I could not see a glimmer of recognition in his eyes.

_The Jedi have programmed his mind as well as the best Sith could, Revan. How ironic! _ _Still, they could not take away your inherent self-confidence._

"As is the outcome. I am actually surprised this confrontation did not happen sooner, given how powerful your mind once was." _And now, let's see if we can stir that mind of his more. Nothing gets Revan more enraged than the prospect of betrayal._

"Even the combined power of the Jedi Council couldn't keep your true identity buried forever could it, _Revan_?" And then, we had to ask. "Do you recognize me, your old friend and apprentice?"

Revan continued to regard me, but I could see his mind struggling to tackle the implications of what I had called him. As he stood there, Bastila made a step forward, her hand raised as if to comfort him. She stopped when Revan stuck out his hand, not even looking at her.

"No, Malak, I do not recognize you, old friend." Then he _smiled_. "How… odd. And yet, it explains so much."

"You always warned me against the Jedi, Revan."

Revan ignored me, turning towards Bastila. I think he understood instinctively that I would not attack him yet. "Is this true, Bastila."

Bastila looked like a gizka caught in the headlamps of a speeder. Then she turned half sideways, as if she were about to run. I could taste her fear and I drank it in, even as I felt my ghost's sympathy for her. It was not an easy thing to be Revan's lover.

"It's true," she said, the words rushing out of her like blood gushing out of a cut artery. "I was part of the team to capture Revan… to capture you. When Malak fired on the ship, you were badly injured. We thought you were dead. I thought…" she paused and I could feel her pain at that memory. Revan rocked onto his toes, as if to step forward but then he controlled himself.

"Your mind was destroyed, but I used the Force to preserve the flicker of life in your body. I brought you to the Jedi Council. They were the ones who healed your damaged mind. I wanted to tell you but the Council forbid it! I… I tried to tell you anyway but…"

Perhaps she would have said more, but then she looked at me and winced.

"They were afraid that you might return to the dark side if you discovered your true identity."

"But now you know the truth, Revan! The Council has failed in their attempt to make you their pawn! Just like they failed during the Mandalorian wars." I saw Bastila and Revan start in surprise at that. Revan still didn't remember and Bastila hadn't known about the Jedi's previous betrayal. _Such delights arise from the depths of deception!_ I almost felt pity for them both.

Revan did not say a word, not for a long time. Instead, he just stared at Bastila, his body and eyes unmoving while she froze, trapped in his gaze. The only way that we knew he was still alive was the increasing coldness we felt. It was if Revan was sucking the energy out of the air surrounding us. Perhaps he was.

* * *

**(Revan)**

_Perfidy. Duplicity. Villainy. … Betrayal_.

Malak had tried to kill me. Did that matter to me? Yes, but only distantly. He was Sith and I had been too then. It was the nature of that creed.

The Jedi had made me into a different person. Did that matter to me? Yes, it made me furious, but I quickly understood their reasons for it too. In similar circumstances, perhaps I would have made the same choices too. So I would forgive them for now.

No, what shook me were the other layers of treachery that I sensed. In Malak I felt such a deep sense of betrayal that I almost reached out to him, to soothe the pain he seemed to mask even from himself. I could not remember, and I could not pull the information from his mind, but somehow he believed that I had done him a great wrong and, more importantly to him… or some part of him…, I had deeply hurt someone else too.

Then there was Malak's accusation too, that the Jedi had betrayed my previous self during the Mandalorian wars. As he had made the allegation, I had felt the deep echoes of truth in his words.

But the worst was what I felt in Bastila.

Not the lies that she had told. Those I forgave as soon as I realized the pain she felt in her soul for telling them. No, what cut me to the core was how I sensed that she had been betrayed also. I could not pinpoint it, but there were little signs that somehow she too had been programmed, changed to suit the purposes of the Jedi or some other power in the universe.

_So much betrayal and each person here, Carth, Malak, Bastila, me, a victim. We are some of the most powerful people in the galaxy and yet others dictate the paths that we walk. We are trapped in a web of deception from which I can see no escape. _

_I must kill Malak, even though I may have set him on this path. I will serve my "Masters" for a little while longer, but there _will _be a reckoning._

I felt a overwhelming fatigue then, greater than those I had felt before and suddenly I just wanted to abandon the quest, leave Malak to conquer the galaxy, anything as long as I could hide somewhere away from all the plotting and wasted lives. As long as I could be with Bastila.

And then I knew what I needed to do, for Bastila's fear was pounding on my shields. She was afraid that I would hate her, would turn away from her and never forgive her for what she had done. That I could not allow.

* * *

**(Malak the Sith Lord)**

When Revan spoke, we all started. Even I, just a little.

"I understand Bastila, you had no choice. I forgive you. I love you. I always will."

_Ah Xi Lan, _I heard my ghost think, his fury suddenly boiling up from the limbo in which he resided, _I am glad you are not here to see this_. _You gave him everything and he gives it to another. _

Again, we two were united, this time in anger. Anger that he would give such unconditional love to Bastila when he had betrayed Xi Lan. When he had betrayed me. _Now, you will pay for what you did to us!_

"How very touching, but now I think the game is over. Come, Revan. Let's settle this."

Revan nodded and lit his lightsabre. Bastila and Carth started to move forward, but Revan and I froze them into stasis. We both understood that this was our fight.

* * *

**(Revan)**

I had known that this battle was inevitable, but I had never anticipated just how strong Malak was. Before I knew what was happening, I was backpedaling quickly up the ramp as his lightsabre darted at me from all angles. Never had I faced a lightsabre wielder so quick and deadly. Only by enhancing my speed with the Force did I survive this long, but now Malak had enhanced his as well. Before he could close, I opened my pocket and released the spiked balls I had prepared.

They were twenty in number, and as small as one joint in my finger, but they were sharp enough to penetrate almost any armor if I propelled them hard enough. With a flick of my mind I sent them at Malak. His body swayed to avoid most of them and his lightsabre darted out to destroy three. They exploded at the contact of his lightsabre, as I had planned, spraying him with the acid I had hidden inside.

Malak screamed and I moved in to kill him before he could recover, but he was too quick for me. He turned away and sprinted back down the corridor, slamming the door behind him. I reached out with my Force to open the door, but he had locked it and reinforced it with his own Force strength. The power he marshaled to defend that door was incredible, more powerful than any I had ever felt, even from Bastila. Perhaps I could have broken his seal, but I was not sure. I decided to seek another way to him. I walked through a door to the right, the seventeen remaining balls circling over my head.

* * *

**(Malak the Sith Lord)**

_The first blow to you, Revan,_ I thought as I healed myself. It hurt me to mend the wounds. This dark power I had was a mockery of Jedi healing, a skill I had mastered before falling.

_If I had retained my original healing power, I would not have this metallic jaw. _

_I could heal it for you_, my ghost said then, and for the first time I actually considered it, but then I heard Revan outside the door and I put such thoughts out of my mind. Even before the door completely opened, the balls over his head whizzed towards me, but I was ready this time. Lightning flew from my fingertips, incinerating the balls and I pushed away the acid before it could get to me. Some of it flew back at Revan, only to halt inches from his body. I kept pushing on those drops, and for a while we struggled over which direction these tiny drops of pain would take. Then I had to laugh.

"You are still strong, Revan, very strong, but my powers have grown beyond you." And then I lifted my other hand and lightning flew from it and struck Revan in the chest. He flew back screaming and I leaped to pursue him only to be pushed back into the wall by his Force. Both of us quickly recovered, leaping to our feet.

I sent another bolt of lightning at him, but he caught it on his lightsabre. Then a look of determination came over him and I felt my lightsabre quiver in my hand. At first, I fought off his efforts easily, sending another blast of lightning at him that he barely dodged. After a few moments, though, my lightsabre seemed to start fighting me instead of him. Glancing down, I realized why. The lightsabre I wielded was the one Revan had given me so many years ago.

The ghost grabbed control from me then, and the face he turned to Revan was sad. Revan's eyes darted to the lightsabre and I could see that he understood what was happening. He let go of the lightsabre and bent over, his hands on his knees.

"Mine?" he said, his gasps matching my own.

"Mine," my ghost said, and I felt whole for a moment like I had not for years. "You made it though."

"This changes nothing. I have to kill you."

"I am following your instructions, Revan. Your mission. The one that you betrayed me."

_And Xi Lan_, my ghost thought, but he would not tell Revan her name. _She has no part in this battle._

Still, Revan was not deceived.

"Who else?"

"I will not let you harm her again."

_Enough ghost, I want my body back._ He struggled with me briefly, but I was more used to the body and seized it back from him quickly.

"Enough blathering," I said. "Join me and fight the real enemy. Fight the Jedi betrayers with me or prepare to die.

"I sense your belief in those words, but… that's not me, not anymore. That lightsabre, it means nothing to me now. You mean nothing to me, save as an evil that needs to be stopped. I must kill you, to save the Republic."

"What, no mercy? Perhaps you are still a Sith Lord after all, Revan!"

"No, just practical. I will uncover all that has been done, though, that I promise you. Are you ready to continue?"

"Yes, to the end."

Revan's Force pushed at me again, tried to find purchase on me but I pushed back, hard, and he went flying backwards. I started to move forward but then I felt his Force quiver and I jumped back as the door slammed shut right in front of me. I flung the door open, expecting to feel resistance, and that was almost my downfall. The doors were unexpectedly easy to open and so I was unprepared for the lightsabre flying through the opening. Only my ghost saved me, for he had not been distracted by the door as I had. Before I recognized the danger, he had seized control of my body again and flung it to the side. Then I had to throw myself backwards as the door section closest to me toppled onto the floor where I had just lain. As I scrambled to my feet, the door floated up as well, no doubt to attack me once more.

"It won't be so easy!" I shouted, and I wondered briefly why Revan smiled as I said that. _No matter, _and then I seized the door from his Force and sent it hurtling towards him. The surprised look on his face was almost comical. I don't think he had ever had anyone wrest something out of his control before.

That should have been the end, but the door section slowed down just before it slammed into Revan. As Revan flew backwards, alive but stunned, I realized what must have happened. _Bastila!_ _We forgot about them. _

As if she were following my thoughts, Bastila came from behind another corner and flung her lightsabre at me. I dodged aside, but the tip of her blade caught my shoulder before I pushed the blade away. As I winced from the wound, my ghost reached out with his Force and flung Revan and Carth, who had just appeared beside Revan, behind the next blast door, which the ghost then sealed with the Force. I cursed, realizing that Revan was now out of my reach. This door had been specifically designed to counter Jedi strike teams. Once it was closed, it could resist the efforts of Force wielders to open it, no matter from what they side they tried.

And then, my senses tingled and I remembered Bastila. _Revan and Carth may be safe from my power, but she is not. And there are other kinds of victories, Revan,_ I thought as I sprang to meet Bastila's next attack. _Why stop the betrayals now?_

I ignored the protestations of my ghost as I engaged Bastila. Three strokes later, I had severed her lightsabre in two and she was mine.

* * *

**Alexandra3**: Ha! So I've turned you to the "male side of the KOTOR" with Revan in my Part I? Now that's a score! I'm always ecstatic when people enjoy the characterization of my (shit, no Bioware and Obsidian's) characters. For me, that's always the best part of a story. 

As for Atton and Xi Lan? Well now… :) … Maybe Bastila and Xi Lan will shake the universe going after Revan. Maybe Atton and Revan will fight it out over Xi Lan. Maybe Atton will hook up with Bastila, Revan with Juhani, Carth with Xi Lan, Mira with Bao Dur, Visas with Disciple, Malak with the Handmaiden, HK with Atris… And then they will all decide that they want one of the others instead. Oo LET THE MAYHEM BEGIN!

**shellythenerd**: I'm really glad that you like Malak and Kreia in this story. I've been trying really hard to make Malak into an interesting character, not caricature and I always thought that Kreia was an interesting and complex character that most ignore.

**Adrianna Nemm**: I'm assuming that you are the signed-in incarnation of Adrianna? Thanks for the review. I'm glad you like the connections I'm making. I keep thinking that I will have to make this an AU (alternative universe for those that don't know) story, but then these connections appear out of nowhere as I'm typing or thinking how to get myself out of my current jam.

**karna**: hey new reviewer, thanks for joining! I'm glad you like my Xi Lan character and Malak(s). It's a bit frustrating to me that I can't include more of her in the last two chapters, but what could she do in this one intense period of Revan, Bastila, and Malak's "adventures." As for the assassination, please forward the details to HK's conflict termination email:

love.is.a.putting.a.big.hole.in.his.or.her.head-AT-hunter.killers.are.lovers.too-DOT-boom

**SwordFreak92**: Thanks. I'm trying to keep them both up to date, although this chapter continues to concentrate on Revan and Bastila. K2 is definitely in the cards, but mostly concentrating on the really interesting moments, as I'm trying to do with K1. I do anticipate, though, that there will be more chapters for K2. K1 has been written and described well enough by others that I didn't feel the need to repeat and recycle.

**Siela Hans**: This one will be very K1-centric too, although not from Stanti/Revan's POV. The name just came to me and it was sufficiently different from the ones used by others that I went with it. As for Xi Lan, she should get back into the thick of things soon, though, although there is still that baby to birth. As for Kreia + Vrook, well Kreia couldn't imagine it either. Bad Vrook, bad! Now that's fun to say!

**Trillian4210**: I'm glad you liked the body-parts-defense. I was trying desperately to think of new ways that the Force could be used that reflected Revan's power and uniqueness. As for the beginning, both you and BSL gain the credits for pointing out the need for that! And I'm so glad you like the Kreia episode. As for Revan, I hope you think he remains a cool guy here and into the future.

**Brazilian Sith Lord**: If this isn't enough HK well… HK did say something about wanting to get some work in warmer climates where his hydraulic systems work better.


	10. Chapter 10: A True Jedi's Fall

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

* * *

**Usual disclaimers…**

* * *

**Thanks to Trillian4210 for her beta-read of this chapter.**

**Much appreciation to Brazilian Sith Lord, Alexandra3, shellythenerd for their initial reads and frank opinions. **

* * *

**Chapter 10: A True Jedi's Fall**

**Star Forge (Malak the Faithful) – approximately 4 years, 5 months after Xi Lan's exile**

When my Sith Lord self started torturing Bastila with Force-induced lightning I had fought to intervene. For the first time since I was split, I tried to take over my old body, but my power and soul were too divided to overcome the hold that Malak the Sith Lord had on our body. Part of my soul still drifted around the maelstrom that, beyond all probability, resided in the body of Xi Lan and part of it remained here, connected to my old body that the other half of me inhabited.

Later, as I rested from my unsuccessful efforts I reflected upon my impulsive defense of Bastila. Part of me was still furious at Revan for how callously he had treated Xi Lan, myself, and all those Jedi Knights he had turned at Malachor V and afterwards. I knew, in the deepest recesses of my heart though, that everything Revan had done, glorious and terrible, had been to achieve one purpose: preserve the Republic. Even now, with no memory of who he was or what he had done, this part of him remained true. He had been willing to forgive Bastila and stick to his quest because, beyond the loss of memory and mind, he understood the sacrifices that duty to a cause imposed on those willing and unwilling.

And that was why my other half now concentrated all of his time and effort to turning Bastila to the dark side. Not because her Battle Meditation was crucial. While it was powerful, he could have won the war immediately just by killing her and he knew it. No, he wanted to turn her because he wanted to crack that impenetrable armor that Revan seemed to have. He wanted Revan to feel the hurt he had so callously inflicted upon those he had betrayed: Malak the Sith Lord, me, even Xi Lan.

Oh, how my other half hated her. Why? Because as much as he tried, he couldn't stop loving her. He had tried to find some way to forget her, to drive her out of his mind. He had tried walling his mind against me, thinking that I was the source of these emotions that "weakened" him. He had seduced other women. He had even taken as a lover a woman altered to look like Xi Lan. When that hadn't worked, he had killed the double in the most gruesome way possible to see if that would rid him of the "cursed feelings" for the weak woman he perceived Xi Lan to be. None of these techniques had worked.

He was doomed, as I was, to love her always.

* * *

**(Bastila)**

There were a few moments between the torture sessions, where Malak left and I was left alone with my thoughts. And those thoughts turned around only one question, where was Revan?

Malak tormented me with short reports on Revan's progress on Korriban.

"He is doing very well," Malak told me, his eyes alight with merriment. He knew that I was reading him to verify the truth of what he said. "He is looting tombs, killing fellow students and doing all the other things a good Sith student would do. He doesn't seem to be missing you very much, though. In fact, I've heard that he's been developing a friendship with Yuthara, an attractive Twi'lek instructor at the Academy."

I turned my head so that he wouldn't see the pain he caused me, but Malak just laughed and the torment started up again.

When I could, I sought Revan over the bond we had formed, but I couldn't sense him. Still, every moment I was awake, I kept expecting him to charge through the door and rescue me. Hadn't he always found a way in the past?

_So why isn't he here? Am I not important enough for him to save?_

* * *

**(Malak the Sith Lord)**

"Just keep doing the same thing," Traya intoned. "Don't let her sleep very much. Give her time to think in between the torture sessions. Keep telling her little pieces of truth about Revan and what he's doing. Show her as often as possible the full scope of your power. And then…"

Traya outlined her proposal for the next step in our conversion of Bastila. It was brilliant and I especially enjoyed the prospect of using my other half in her downfall.

* * *

**(Malak the Faithful)**

At first, I wasn't sure what it was that had awoken me from the wandering of my thoughts. Then I realized that the torture had stopped and Bastila was speaking.

"Your torture will not work, Malak. I will never be turned to the dark side."

"I do not do this to torture you, Bastila. This display is merely to show you the power of the dark side." He called the lightning to him again and the power of that summoning was immense.

"You have tasted the seeds of darkness in Revan, and you have seen what power it gives him, for all that his façade is white and pure. And now you have seen what power it gives me, who was once lesser than Revan." Here, he directed at the lightning at her again

"And you want that power," he continued, once she had stopped screaming. And to my shock, I could sense that he was right. There was a part of her soul that seemed to stretch itself towards the dark energies that flowed around my body.

_Why, Bastila?_

"Never!" she exclaimed and the Sith Lord laughed.

"Do you know why you hunger for this power, Bastila? Why your Force instincts crave it even as everything else in you tries to deny its allure. Let me show you what you already understand." Malak placed his hands upon her brow and her body stiffened as if anticipating pain. What came was far worse.

"See Revan's first love, Bastila," he continued. "Do you see her, Bastila? Do you see how attractive Revan found her, how he admired her skills and mystery…"

His words droned on, but I was drawn with Bastila into the memories. I saw Xi Lan that first day she had approached us after Master Vrook's class. Shorter and less beautiful than Bastila, she was nonetheless alluring. Her hair was long, much longer than any other Jedi's. Her voice seemed to resonate down my spine all over again and I saw how Revan seemed to lean towards it, towards her.

The image shifted, and I felt Revan's jealousy as Xi Lan and I sparred that same day. Another shift, and we were sitting together that night drinking beer and competing with each other to see who could belch louder.

The images continued, following the carefree days and months of our time together on Dantooine and I felt how Bastila was drawn into the story, unable to turn away though she knew its purpose was to rend her heart.

Then we reached the day before Revan and I were due to depart from Dantooine, and we followed the events of that day at the pond as slowly and as quickly as only memory can recount a story. Bastila saw how we swam together. She lived the sexual tension that had grown between the three of us. She could see the glistening eyes, the flushed cheeks of Revan, how he and I were drawn closer and closer to Xi Lan in a way that transcended all thought or reason. And she drowned in the sensations of that night when we three had touched souls and bodies as only Force-sensitive lovers can do.

Bastila's jealousy swept through us, seeking to drive us away, or perhaps hurt us, for the pain we were bringing her. What she inflicted was nothing, however, to the agonies we had already known. In frustration, Bastila assaulted Malak the Sith Lord's minds, demanding more information, needing to know what happened between us. And then, in a stunning act of trust, my other self let down his walls, exposing his entire mind to her. She could have struck at him then. Perhaps she could have even killed him. I don't know what I would have done if she had tried.

I felt her pause, probe hesitantly, and then her power flared and I instinctively winced. So much power she had, perhaps as much as Revan and I. She didn't understand her strength, though. She hid its strength from others and from herself.

Despite the potency and danger of Bastila's Force probe, my Sith Lord self did not flinch. He laughed as her power dived into his mind, extracting the rest of our memories about Revan and Xi Lan.

The images flashed by quickly as she devoured them, and then suddenly they slowed down to a terrible trickle as she perused the moments where I had withdrawn as Xi Lan's lover, knowing that Revan was finding it increasingly hard to share her with me. She saw how Revan and Xi Lan had become more closely intertwined, even as Xi Lan struggled with the horrors of war.

More time flashed by again until she arrived at the fateful exchange between Revan and I, in which Revan tried to convince me that Xi Lan had betrayed us. She lingered over my feelings from that time and so saw how I had not believed Revan and how my love of and loyalty to him had caused me to acquiesce to his will anyway.

And then we came to that fateful day at Malachor V. She saw how Xi Lan had lured the Mandalorian fleet towards Malachor V, following the plan in which Revan was supposed to launch a surprise attack on the Mandalorians' flanks. As the entire Mandalorian fleet started decimating Xi Lan's fleet of worn out, obsolete ships, Bastila felt Xi Lan's fear and how she had extended herself to protect her soldiers. She also experienced Xi Lan's despair when it became apparent that Revan was not coming as promised and her flare of desperate hope when Bao-Dur the mechanic revealed to her his knowledge of Revan's "secret weapon." And then, Bastila relived my experience of that horrible moment when Xi Lan realized that she had been betrayed by Revan so thoroughly and utterly.

I think my other self had intended that Bastila's perusal of our memories would stop here, but before he could shut her out of his mind, she went one step farther.

She saw then how I had been split that fateful day, part of me unable to abandon Xi Lan even as the maelstrom of abandoned souls grew within her and part of me remaining in my body to keep my promise to Revan.

* * *

**(Bastila)**

I had broken my faith to the Jedi Order in loving Revan, though it had taken me long to admit it. In abandoning the Code that I had treasured, in choosing Revan over the Council, I had cut myself adrift.

_Once I fell in love with Revan, there was nowhere else for me to be safe, to be worthy, except in his arms._

And know Malak had taken that hope away from me and all I was left with was the image of Revan as a cold, droid-like strategist who would sacrifice even his best friend and lover to his cause.

_Could I ever give myself to such a betrayer, even if he had done it all for the Republic?_

What made it even worse was the steadfast faithfulness I felt within Malak, in that other self that I now perceived shadowed the Dark Lord. His absolute devotion to Revan, even now. His undying love for Xi Lan, which he had put aside but never forgotten.

In some part of Malak was a man who had sacrificed the very integrity of his soul to follow the two he loved. For that devotion, he paid a price everyday, the pain that comes from a division of self. This was the kind of man I had thought Revan was. What was I to do now that I had found this man in Malak instead?

I did what any confused, heart-broken woman would do. I got very angry.

_Peace is a lie, there is only passion._

* * *

**(Malak the faithful)**

I was not prepared for what came next. I shivered at the touch of Bastila's hand on my wet cheek and then I realized that, for a moment at least, I was in control of my own body. Casting about for the reason, I discovered that Bastila was holding my other self at bay, creating this space for me.

"I'm so sorry for you, for the pain you must feel," Bastila said, her voice still husky from her earlier screams.

I looked at her with the Force then, and I saw a hot molten sun whose flares extended outwards, wrapping around me even as its core was being devoured slowly by black cancers of dark fury. From her wrists, her former shackles dripped like tears of hot, molten metal to the ground.

_Through passion, I gain strength._

Her body was totally still, a striking contrast to the turbulent whorls of Force within her that battled for possession of her soul. I understood then, as someone who had fallen myself, that she stood on the precipice of choice.

"You are falling, Bastila. Let go of this power or Malak the Sith Lord will have won."

"I could heal this jaw of yours in a moment," she whispered, her hand warming on my cheek even as she spoke.

"No," I said, removing her hand from my jaw. "I could have healed it anytime if I chose to," I continued when her eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement. "It is a reminder of the pain we feel and it helps us keep it contained."

"But it does not stop your anger. Your other self's anger," she said, her head bowing in thought even as the war between light and dark within her was inexorably being lost. "Compassion and anger so tightly intertwined, is that where you get your power from?"

"Bastila, you're going to…" I was trying to warn her again, but she put her other hand to my cold, metallic mouth.

"Fall? Shh… I know. I don't want to go back, I have nowhere to go. I have betrayed my Order for him, a cold, heartless manipulator. I should have listened to the Council, but now it's too late. I can not love one makes such choices. Not as I am."

"And you won't be able to love him as a Sith. It is the dark side talking. Don't listen to it!"

"She was lovely, faithful, a good friend and lover and he betrayed her," she said, pushing me back with her two hands whose previous gentle heat now seared me, awakening feelings in my jaw that could not possibly exist. "If I am to love, it will not be to such as him. My love will treasure me even against the fate of the Republic. My love will save me." I felt the back of my legs bump against a table, and then I was sitting as Bastila slid between my thighs.

"Would you treasure me so, Malak," she said quietly, her face inches from my own, "as you do Xi Lan?" Her force aura was almost all black now and I feared that she was lost. "Besides, until I have gained enough power to match him, he will never truly respect me."

_Through strength, I gain power._

I tried to open my mouth to tell her that she had always had enough power for that, but I found that I had no words to say. _She wouldn't believe me_, I realized, and that was the insight that my other half had made. _She doesn't believe that she's good enough for him, or for the Jedi. _ Probing her with my own power, I sensed why. There was a subtle weakness in her, a distortion wrought by another betrayal, a violation of her true self by one she had trusted.

_Yes, now you see, brother, _my other self whispered into my mind_. The Jedi, the guardians of peace and love, tried to program her so that she wouldn't fall in love with Revan. She fell in love with him anyway and so came into conflict with that programming. That conflict is what we have exploited._

"So either way, Malak the _good_," she continued, her voice now softly mocking, "this is the path I must follow. And there is only one way that I can free myself of Revan. Besides," she continued, licking her slips slowly, "one such as you, so _loyal_, should be rewarded with the opportunity to take a suitable revenge, no?"

_And how, brother, _my other self continued, as Bastila's hands began traveling down my neck, my chest, _does a chaste Jedi sever the chains that bind her to the Order she serves and to the one that she loves? By doing that which they can never forgive! _

She began to untie her robes then, while undoing her braids with her Force. It was incredibly seductive to watch her hair and robes fall free in tandem and my eyes were drawn irresistibly to the glowing, voluptuous flesh she exposed as the last layers of her clothes fell.

_She's so much more beautiful than Xi Lan_, I marveled, _and yet I do not desire her_. I lifted my hands, finally, to push her away.

_And how does she claim her power? _Now, my other self's voice resonated with the finality of Bastila's fall. _By taking what she wants from one who is not willing!_

They took over my will then, my other self and Bastila, combining their strength to hold me in the body, to make me do their wishing. As Bastila started to disrobe me, I knew without seeing that her eyes turned more and more yellow.

_Through power, I gain victory._

_Forgive me Revan_, I whispered as together, they awoke passions in me I had long put aside. I struggled against them even as my hands explored the luxurious curves and untouched niches of Bastila's body. I exhausted myself trying to flee my body even as Bastila's mouth slowly set it on fire, moving from the cooling tears on my cheeks, to the scars from Revan's lightsaber on my chest, and then beyond.

_Forgive me Xi Lan, _I cried later, as she pulled me into her.

"Through victory, my chains are broken, _Revan!_" Bastila shouted, her head thrown back. "No more will I suppress my power for you or the Jedi Council."

"The Force shall free me!" my body bellowed, as Malak the Sith Lord took it from me.

Their dark laughter chased me as I fled to Xi Lan's maelstrom.

* * *

**Re'cha (Xi Lan)**

I had been sleeping, I think, but now I was awake, my body sweating, trembling, aroused. For a moment, I felt as if the whisper of a mouth traversed my skin, sensuously, painfully. Then, after a brief pause, I gasped as I was overcome by pleasure that cut like a knife and agony that whispered sweet words of love. It was overwhelming, and I didn't know whether to give myself to it or to flee, to curl up in a ball to protect myself from it. And then, after how long I don't know, it was over and I was left with a sense of deep loss even as my body relaxed into languorous sleep.

* * *

**Ebon Hawk, on the way to the Star Forge (Revan)**

I was dreaming of the quiet nights on Kashyyyk that Bastila and I had spent alone together, staring into the depths of the wood that shut out all light. They had been very pleasant evenings, chaste, friendly, and yet so tantalizingly romantic. We didn't speak of our amorous feelings, but they had cloaked us in warmth all the same.

Then the dream shifted, and I confronted the impossible scene of Bastila dancing on the stage of a Taris nightclub. Gone were her Jedi robes, replaced by the intoxicating revelations of her dancer's costume. The Twi'lek dancers that I remembered craving and enjoying paled beside the exotic magic Bastila was weaving with her body. Then, a heady perfume caressed my nostrils, deep, moist, and enticing and I found myself walking to the stage, drawn beyond my control to her. I reached out to her, to possess her, to ravish her, but then she disappeared. Even as I frantically searched for her, the stage and all around it slowly dissolved into featureless smoke while Malak's cold, metallic laughter mocked me.

* * *

**A/N**: The people I showed this chapter to had very mixed reactions to it. I found it very hard to watch Bastila fall in this manner too, when my fingers did their thing. And yet, while "just giving in to the pain" makes the character much easier to redeem later, it doesn't really give us the sense and experience of **falling** to the dark side, with all the despair, hate, anger, casting aside all that's good, etc. 

If you really didn't like the chapter, I hope I will see you in the next ones anyway.

Best, BaM

* * *

**Thanks to:**

**Adrianna, shellythenerd, Siela Hans, SwordFreak92: **Thanks for the encouraging reviews! It really does help to know that the chapters are appreciated.

**Alexandra3: **HK: cold methodical killer. Atris: cold, methodical historian of (Sith) killers. Can't you just see them pulling each other up on Match(dot)com? I'm glad you like the back-and-forth between Revan and Xi Lan, although I finding it hard to get back to Xi Lan. She's just(!) got a baby to bear while Revan is out saving the world, Bastila, etc.

**Knight Savtrian: **I hope you don't hate me for the wrench I've just thrown into the Revan-Bastila "works." Or, then again, maybe it works for you, you Bastila-hater you. ;)

**Brazilian Sith Lord**: Thanks as always!

**Trillian 4210**: Thanks, that shrinking vibrosword thing kinda "just popped out" at the last moment. Yeah, I'm trying to describe a Revan that is subtle, unpredictable, and just scarily intense and intelligent. His way of succeeding is not through brute strength but through skill, planning, and just plain ol' smarts.


	11. Chapter 11: Beyond Redemption

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

* * *

**I have significantly revised the encounter between Revan and Bastila on the Star Forge in this chapter. The rest remains the same.  
Essentially, I added some fighting and tightened up a lot of the dialogue. I've also changed the ending a wee bit,  
to reinforce the idea that this is just a beginning for them.

* * *

Since it's an old chapter, I didn't ask my stupendous beta-reader to look over it. I apologize for any grammatical errors.**

* * *

**&.**

**Chapter 11: Beyond Redemption  
**

&.

**Ebon Hawk (Revan) – On the day of Bastila's fall**

"Admiral," Carth continued, "I know that there are many reasons to distrust this man, and I sympathize with your reluctance. However, what Revan says is true. The Sith have captured and turned many Jedi before. We can't assume that Bastila will be able to resist where so many others haven't. We must be prepared to face her in battle. Revan has some plans that should at least give us an edge in the next encounter, which, I remind you again, Admiral, might be the most crucial battle of all. I hope you will listen to what he has to say."

"And when and where will this battle take place, Carth?" Admiral Dodonna said, "And what is this Star Forge?"

Carth turned towards me, deferring to me despite the unstated preference of the Admiral to talk with him.

It was so hard to be patient—to sit here planning for the very real possibility that Bastila had turned—when all I wanted to do was find her and carry her away from all of this. It took every ounce of my will to maintain this façade of controlled emotions.

"All we know," I said as calmly as I could, "is that the Star Maps have pointed us to these coordinates, Admiral. I believe it is prudent to assume that this place will be the source of the Sith power, but we don't know for sure. That is why we are going there now and that is why it is **_essential _**that you do **_not_** attack immediately. Allow us some time to reconnoiter the location. There is no telling what defenses the Sith have there or what the manner of the threat is."

"And what should we do if you are captured or killed? Must we wait until the Sith come to us?"

_Why couldn't she just listen! _I leant forward to say some caustic, but Carth put a hand on my arm, his eyes sympathetic but commanding.

"All we're asking for is a week, Admiral," Carth said, turning towards the holoprojector. "If you do not hear back from us in a week, then do as you must. Besides, you will need every day of that week if you are going to put Revan's plan into place."

"And what is this plan?"

"It's too complicated to explain quickly, Admiral." Carth said. "Instead, I am transmitting the plan with its different components to your ship now."

Once Dodonna acknowledged that she was receiving the information, I continued, my voice urgent. "Admiral, I understand the reservations that you must be feeling right now. Though I swear to you that I have no memories of being the Dark Lord of the Sith, there are very few assurances that I can give you that I speak the truth. Did you bring the Jedi as Carth asked?"

"Yes."

"And?"

The holoprojection of Admiral Dodonna turned to its side for a moment, her mouth moving but the sound muted. Then, she turned back, her face grim.

"They say that you are telling the truth _as far as they can tell._ They say, furthermore, that Carth is telling the truth _as far as he knows it_. Still, I am wary about trusting the scourge of the galaxy. I'm sure you understand, Revan."

"Just be prepared to implement my plan!" I snapped, and then took a deep breath, holding up my hand before Carth could intervene. "Give Masters Vrook, Atris, and Vandar my greetings," I said, forcing a smile on my face. "When you peruse the plan, you will note that I have included a number of random variables in it. I believe that if you run those variables through your simulations, you will see that even if I turn on you, with full knowledge of the plan, there will be limits to what I can do to compensate. If that does not mollify your concerns, may I suggest that you ignore the plan when you first arrive, but be prepared to implement should your suspicions not be confirmed?"

"I will look at the plan and make my decisions. Revan, Carth, good luck!"

Though part of me wanted to try convincing her more, I held back. There was a time when, I knew, when you just had to let another person work it out herself. They might come around to your thinking, or not, but continuing in your arguments was futile.

Still, if Bastila had turned, they would have to follow my plans if they wanted to last more than thirty minutes. Because if the Sith didn't get them, I would.

* * *

**&.**

**On top of the Rakatan Temple (Revan). Six days later**

As soon as we had landed on this world, I could feel her, at the tip of my senses. There was a swirling darkness around her, tinted with vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow. All that passion that had been constrained in her was now unleashed. She had fallen, I knew, and the knowledge burned my insides.

The only question remaining was whether she was Malak's apprentice, or the new Sith Lord. The power I felt from her was that strong.

When we had landed on this planet, that sense of her had waned significantly, overwhelmed by the ancient tragedy that seemed to ooze out of every flower, animal, and sentient being on this planet. Something had happened here, so terrible, that its echoes infused the very essence of life itself on this planet. Its sparkling beauty was only a surface mask for an ancient ugliness. Now, perhaps the same was true of Bastila. That thought broke my heart.

I had wanted to go in the temple alone, but Juhani and Jolee had insisted on coming with me. I had argued with them for a long time and then, when I had to choose between acquiescing or chasing them off with my power, I had finally given up. They were very lucky I made that choice, their insistence had awakened a slow burn in me, an anger I was unused to.

Thinking about it, I realized that the anger had existed before they had badgered me. I was not angry at Malak, the Jedi Order, or any other of the puppets in this grand conflict. I was angry at myself.

_With all that I've seen, I'm not convinced anymore that the Republic is worth saving. Stanti, Revan, whoever I am, I should have just grabbed Bastila and run. _

As we approached the top of the temple, my sense of Bastila grew much stronger. She was there, I knew, waiting for us. The tension that I could feel in Juhani and Jolee showed that they could sense her too. I stopped them on the ramp.

"Don't do anything rash. Do not attack unless I tell you too. Say nothing, do nothing unless I indicate that you should. Do you understand?"

Jolee, wise man that he was, said absolutely nothing, though he couldn't help looking miffed. Juhani was another matter. She opened her mouth to protest, but I wasn't in the mood. Enunciating every word as if I was talking to a child, I repeated myself.

"Nothing. Not a thing."

They had forced themselves on me for this venture, but that didn't mean I had to listen to them. Before she could utter a word, I walked off to our confrontation.

* * *

&. 

What would have happened if Juhani hadn't attacked Bastila there on the roof? Could I have convinced Bastila to leave this planet with me, forsaking the galaxy and its stupid wars, and flee to a secluded planet where we could explore each other, the wonders of life, and the power that was loosed within us? Perhaps. Would she have convinced me to become her Sith Lord master? Unlikely, though that path had circled me whispering enticements since the day she had been taken from me. Perhaps it would have been more tempting, but I was pretty sure that once I fell, I would feel no love.

As we had started talking, I realized that all I wanted was for it to continue, for as dark as she was, Bastila was still beautiful to me. Maybe even more so, for all that power and being that she had submerged behind the doctrine of the Jedi Order was now there for me to see. Dark, yes, and ugly in how it corroded her spirit. But glorious too. What would it look like if I could turn her back?

But before we could say the barest of words, before we could get past the formal back and forth that seems to presage any "great" battle between good and evil, Juhani launched an attack at Bastila. She had barely left the ground before I caught her and held her there in mid-air, but the damage was done. I barely got my lightsabre up in time to catch the lightning that flew from Bastila's hand. Even then, I was flung back ten feet, landing in a heap even as the newly freed Juhani charged at Bastila. She didn't get far before Bastila turned the lightning on her too. I rolled to the side and thus barely missed being skewered by Juhani's lightsabre as her body crashed where mine had rested.

Taking advantage of her distraction, Jolee had closed on Bastila, forcing her to engage him with her lightsabre. The old Jedi did not last long though. Bastila narrowed her eyes and then he was choking. I could feel his Force trying to resist hers, but he was no match for her strength.

I heard Juhani curse as she struggled to rise to her feet beside me, but I had no time for her. I wanted this battle over, and preferably with all four of us alive.

One of the most important, and horrible, things about being a gifted strategic planner is that prepares for every contingency, even the betrayal of a lover. Reaching out with my mind, I triggered the device I had hidden in Bastila's lightsabre. The device I placed there after I had seen her struggle with the emotions awakened by the encounter with her mother.

Bastila screamed as the circuits in her lightsabre short-circuited, burning her hands. A second later, she was flying through the air as I pushed her away from the combat, sending her sliding under the ship behind her. I could feel her hesitate for a moment, as I walked slowly towards her, but then she used her Force to pull down the archway that separated us, blocking the opening between her and me.

As Jolee and Juhani struggled to lift the debris away with their Force, I heard the sound of Bastila's ship engines starting up. Ten seconds later, her ship tore from the temple roof and lifted into the sky.

"You could have stopped her!" Juhani shouted at me as I watched the ship disappear into the sky.

"Maybe," I said, my words like chips of ice, "but it was not a sure thing. And if we had lost, who would have cut the disruptor field? Tens of thousands might have died, our entire fleet might have been decimated, all because you could not wait as I asked."

"You might have fallen!" Juhani shouted again, but then she visibly restrained her temper. Placing her hand on my shoulder, she continued in a softer voice. "We all know how you feel about her, I was just trying to protect you." Then she sighed, "Now, she will use her Battle Meditation against us. We will lose anyway."

I didn't feel like explaining my thoughts and instincts to her, so I turned my back on her and walked to the computer terminal nearby. Ten seconds later, the disruptor field down and I was jumping from the edge of the roof onto the ground.

I used the Force to accelerate my running even as I shielded my thoughts from the clumsy probes of Juhani. _I truly hope the rest of the crew has found the necessary parts. Because if they haven't, I'm going to have to lift our ship by myself._

Could I have done it, channeled all my hurt, anger, and determination to lift and fly a starship across the void of space? Luckily, I didn't have to find out.

* * *

&. 

**On the Ebon Hawk (Revan)**

"Admiral Dodonna," I said, taking another of a never-ending series of deep breaths, "here's the situation. Bastila has indeed turned, so you will be facing not only technologically superior ships but her power as well. I hope you have implemented the plans I sent you, or this is going to be one short battle."

"I have put them in place as a backup, Revan, but I'm not yet convinced that…"

No, I would not deal with a strategic child; I didn't have the patience for it.

"Master Vandar, I can sense that you are there. We are heading for the Star Forge, to rescue Bastila and, if he is there, kill Malak. Convince Admiral Dodonna to do as I say. Trust me when I say this. If I had wanted to get you, you would never have known what hit you."

Moving into the holoprojector, Master Vandar started speaking.

"Revan, beware…"

"Master Vandar, with all due respect, I have neither the time nor the patience for this. If anything is clear from the war so far, it is that Revan, my previous self, out-thought and out-fought you on almost every front. And yes," I held out my hand as Admiral Dodonna's mouth started to open, "I was captured by the Jedi but that was likely only successful only because Malak betrayed me. I could go into a detailed analysis of what happened there, but let's do this another way."

I spent the next five minutes briefly outlining three different ploys I was pretty sure they would have thought of as possible counters to my possible betrayal, and then told them how I would have responded to each of them if I had wished. By the end of the five minutes, Dodonna looked a bit white-eyed while Master Vandar chuckled. I liked him. He may have saved Dodonna's life.

"So are you going to implement my plan or am I going to have to initiate some of the backups I put in place to counter the possibility of your resistance to my plan?"

"Follow your plan, we will," Master Vandar said. Dodonna said nothing, but I felt her resignation.

* * *

&. 

**Star Forge (Bastila)**

It was a good day for a bloody battle.

As I sat comfortably in my room, I tried to figure out the puzzle before me. Ten minutes before, I had reached out with my Battle Meditation to influence the two fleets that converged on each other. Being based on the Star Forge, I had to stretch my Force over a much greater distance than I was used to. The number of minds and ships was also much greater than I had ever influenced before, but with my newfound power, it proved less challenging than I had thought. Still, I licked my lips as I eagerly looked forward to seeing what damage my new strength could wreck upon the Republic.

As my Force enveloped them, I could feel the Sith fleet grow in morale and strength, and the Republic fleet staff wilt under the pressure. Moreover, the Republic fleet seemed to disintegrate into a disorganized mess. So why did I feel doubt?

There could be only one, delicious answer. _Revan._

* * *

&. 

**Republic ship, _Fortitude_ (Master Vandar)**

As I watched the Republic fleet officers and soldiers mutter and wander aimlessly, I had to marvel at Revan's genius. All of the human and alien members of the army were sequestered in the various dorms, recreational halls, and cafeterias of the ship. Running the ship in their place, and all the other ships in the fleet, were droids—droids that had served in the fleet and droids from many other duties as well.

_Droids can be reprogrammed easily, _Revan had written in his plan, _and I have included a set of programs that Zaalbar has created at my request. Upload these into every droid you can find and then have them run the ships of your fleet. Remember, Bastila's Battle Meditation will not influence them._

_It is true that droids can not think on the same instinctive level that flesh-born creatures can. While normally that's a disadvantage in battle, in this case it will work for us. That rigidity should put some confusion into the Sith leaders, at least for a little while. However, more importantly, droids can follow a programmed set of activities and flight patterns much more exactly than non-droids. That precision will be crucial for the success of this plan. _

As the second part of Revan's plan, each ship now appeared to be milling about in a disorganized way, and yet they were following a pattern of movement carefully laid out by Revan. Each ship was releasing a slew of anti-ship mines following one of the 30 different patterns that Revan had placed in his plan. The number of that plan had been randomly generated and then transmitted to each droid so that each ship played their part in placing the mines behind them as they moved to engage the Sith fleet.

"Get through this, we might," I told my Jedi bodyguard.

* * *

&. 

**(Bastila)**

The fleets engaged and we scored the first blood, a Republican cruiser disintegrating under the combined firepower of three of our alien ships. By the time the third of their ships had been destroyed, their fleet was in full retreat, scattering to the winds with our ships in retreat.

And then there were a series of small explosions that struck our ships. What followed next was pandemonium.

* * *

&. 

**(Admiral Dodonna)**

One of the hardest parts of Revan's plan was waiting until those three ships were destroyed. I mourned the deaths of those crews even as I realized the necessity of their sacrifice. Though the droids controlling the ships were unaffected by Bastila's Battle Meditation, they were no match for the Sith fleet that bore down on us. Our only hope now was Revan's subterfuge.

The third part of the plan was to have the fleet split up, but still following the pattern laid out by Revan. Each ship continued to lay down mines in the exact locations called for in Revan's plan. Those ships that had been blown up were replaced by some of the redundant ships that Revan had instructed us to set aside for that role. Soon, the area around the Star Forge was encased in a minefield to which only our droids knew the layout.

Even as another of our cruisers was destroyed, I felt a series of Sith ships hit the mines. Each mine detonated, damaging the Sith ships that touched them—but those blasts masked their true threat.

Just before each explosion, the mines sent ten tight beam emissions that sought out the nearby ship's communications arrays. In those transmissions were simple, but deadly computer viruses. That computer virus was quickly spread to other ships in the Sith fleet as the struck ships relayed information about the mines and the damage they had taken.

If that computer virus had targeted the ship's main computers, they would have likely been defeated by the Sith's anti-virus software. However, the viruses targeted ancillary systems instead, with the sole purpose of changing the content of those transmitted messages in small, random, and undetectable ways.

* * *

&. 

**(Bastila)**

As the explosions continued, our fleet seemed to lose its ability to coordinate itself. That shouldn't have happened, especially given the powerful influence I was having on them, but it did. Some ships started to pull back from their pursuit of the Republic fleet, while others continued apparently unaware of what was causing the explosions. One ship fired on another Sith ship, only to be destroyed quickly by the turbolaser fire of its neighbors. Some ships began to deploy their fighters while others did not.

It was terrible, wondrous mayhem and I felt a terrifying longing and a delicious fear compete within me as I watched our fleet burn. Truly, Revan was a Master and I yearned to pit all I had against him. Win or lose, it would be worth everything.

Still, his tactics could not work for long. Our fleet was superior in both numbers and firepower. Even now, I saw more Republican ships disintegrate under our fire.

Their ships continued to move quickly away from the Star Forge, in all directions, following what seemed to be random patterns. Our ships moved to follow, but then they were met by more explosions and mines. Listening to the ship chatter, I understood that the whole area around the Star Forge was now being tightly mined, and that the Republic ships seemed to be able to move through it with impunity while ours could not. Furthermore, the mines were small enough that they were almost impossible to detect.

_Ah Revan, what have you done? _I laughed quietly to myself, even as our new Admiral ordered the ships to move closer to the Star Forge. The fleet engaged the Republic ships at long distance, and so lost much of the advantage that our greater firepower normally provided.

For now, Revan's strategy had made the battle more even than it should be, but I did not expect that to last long. There was still me.

As I delved into my power and awoke my Battle Meditation once again, I found myself eagerly anticipating my next encounter with Revan. I hoped it would not be long.

* * *

&. 

**Star Forge (Revan)**

As planned, the _Ebon Hawk_ and Jedi strike team had boarded the Star Forge under the confusion of the battle.

"We will go with you," Juhani said, her face determined and eyes narrowed. "Do not think to deny us."

"Girl," Jolee started saying to Juhani, but I didn't want to waste time waiting for him to talk sense into her. I sent a pulse of Force into her brain, scrambling it so that she couldn't move for a while.

"Guard the ship." I said, looking at each of them in turn while _willing _them to see my determination on this matter. "Tell Juhani I'm sorry," I told Jolee, "and that I'll be back soon if she wants to tell me off herself."

I stalked from the ship before any of them could respond.

* * *

&. 

**(Jolee**)

One learns a thing or two as the years pass by. _Young people do all sorts of foolish things_, I thought as I watched Revan jog into the Star Forge, _even one such as Revan_.

It wasn't easy, but I managed to cajole the rest of the crew into guarding the ship as Revan had asked. Soon, we were too beset by hordes of overzealous Sith for Juhani, Carth, and the others to worry about anything else.

As for Revan, I wasn't sure what he intended to do, but I knew one thing. He didn't expect to come back.

* * *

&. 

**(Bastila)**

Malak knew that Revan was on the Star Forge now, and he had instructed me to await him in the Command Center. And so I did.

I could feel Revan approach, sometimes by the signature of his power and sometimes by the bewildered minds and snuffed lives he left in his wake. And then he was just outside, three cooling corpses of Dark Jedi marking his passage to his next challenge. Me.

"Revan," I said, my words like dripping acid, "Can I never get free of you?"

"No," he said simply, stepping into the room.

I don't know whose Force slammed the door shut, for I felt his power stir at the same time mine did. It didn't matter though. We both knew this moment was for us, alone.

I wasn't prepared for what came next though. A lightsabre flew towards me, unlit, and instinctively I grabbed it.

"For me?" I said, unable to keep the surprise out of my voice. _Careful Bastila_, I reminded myself. _Remember, he's too clever by far_. I kept an eye on him and my mental defenses while carefully inspecting the hilt.

It was stunning. The metal was decorated with a deep, dark inlay that seemed to almost glow black. Its lines were smooth, and yet from the ends stretched sharp prongs that seemed to stretch outwards as if seeking blood. I could not help myself. I put away my current lightsaber and lit Revan's.

The blades were black, hungry.

"It's beautiful. It will be a fitting weapon to end your life with, Revan."

"True, if that's your choice."

"I can't go back. I don't want to go back."

"I don't want you to go back either. I want you to go somewhere new, with me. I want us to run away to the edges of the galaxy, just the two of us. "

_How I wished he had said those words earlier._

"I wanted to," he said, and I cursed my lapse.

"Stay out of my mind, Revan, lest you get burnt."

"I can't get out of your mind, Bastila. The bond is still there." He took a deep breath, and then continued, "I wanted to take you away, Bastila. I have loved you since the first day I met you."

"Useless words from a groveling worm. You never would have taken me away. You are too much the tool of the Jedi Council, as I once was. I have freed myself, becoming the powerful Force wielder they tried to stop me from becoming. Now, I am more powerful than you, even more powerful than you ever were as the Sith Lord."

"You were always more powerful than me, my…."

"Then I shall end this now," I said. Extending my hand and senses, I felt for and found the walls of his throat. Exerting my will, I _squeezed_, cutting off whatever words the fool had planned to say.

For a moment, Revan looked lost, his eyes searching mine. Then, without any gesture at all, I felt fist of the Force punch me in the stomach, and then again when I wouldn't loose my hold on his throat. After three more hits, I was forced to pull back my power in order to defend myself.

Revan made no move to attack me as I caught my breath, though his body had slipped into a defensive stance.

"I need something more direct, I think…" Lightning flew out of my hand next, spearing towards him. He barely intercepted with his hastily lit blade. "Too simple," I murmured, enjoying myself. "How about this?" This time, three bluish purple lines of hungry, burning power left my hand, arching towards my would-be lover.

This time, Revan tried to jump to the side to avoid my attack, but the leftmost trail of destruction clipped his boot, and he fell, his foot smoking.

Seeing the pain in his eyes, a small, cruel smile lit my face and I licked my lips.

"Again." Tongues of shimmering pain leaped out of my hand towards him again, but this time his right hand shot forward. My power bent towards his right hand, somehow drawn there by Revan's skill, and then flowed into the floor harmlessly through his left hand, which he had left on the ground.

"I guess I'm not so overwhelming after all." I said as he got up. "Did you really expect me to fall at your knees at the first hint of your flattery, Revan? How trite."

"It is true, Bastila, that I have a great facility for wielding the Force in combat. I won't insult you by denying it. But I could never do what you were doing just before I came. To influence the minds of thousands upon thousands, increasing the will and capacity of some while weakening a host of others…" Revan paused and the hint of a wry smile touched his face.

"That, my love, is as far beyond me as the building of starships is to a gizka. No, what separates me is not my strength, though that is greater than all but perhaps Malak and you. It is my control that makes me so dangerous, and the power of my intelligence."

"And that is why you must be stopped, Revan." I began to pace towards him, my blade at the ready, its power eating more and more of the light from Revan's lightsaber as I approached. "That is why you must die!"

I thrust my new blade at him like a spear, and his lightsaber, double-bladed like mine, swung in a circle to knock it away. I thrust again and again, not caring about defense now, just wanting to end it one way or another. Revan, on the other hand, remained reluctant to attack me, choosing to backpedal as I pursued him relentlessly across the floor.

Near the wall, he dodged to the side before I could corner him, and then I could feel his Force punching at my body again. This time I was ready, and I eased his Force to the side, and did so again with his next thrust.

"You will have to respect my power more than that, worm," I said, drawing my power into a tight ball as I stalked him across the floor. I pushed the ball at his feet, and the floor buckled so that he lost his balance. Taking advantage of the moment, I thrust again at his torso, but I missed, a victim of my own unexpected strength as the entire floor shuddered from my Force blow.

I regained my balance just in time to dodge a chair that Revan had flung at me with his Force. I shot lightning at the metal floor, and his boots smoked as he danced away from the glowing floor. Jumping over the red hot metal, I swung my blade at his head. He blocked and I quickly reversed my swing, my other blade aimed at his shoulder. Again he blocked my attack, and, (_Finally_, I thought) he attacked, aiming for my extended right leg.

We exchanged a furious set of blows then, though his strikes always aimed to wound, not kill me. Neither of us were particularly skilled lightsaber fighters, though, and it began to show as we tired. Finally, he stumbled, and fell onto his side. I moved in to strike his exposed back, but I slipped on a piece of the floor I had shattered before, and tumbled onto my back.

I started to scurry furiously away from Revan, anticipating that he would attack me while I was vulnerable but Revan remained on his front, his face still facing the floor. _What is that sound he is making?_ I wondered, hesitating for a moment and then I realized that he was laughing softly. _Fool! _I thought, but then the sight of the two of us lying supine on the floor penetrated my rage and, to my horror, I joined his laughter.

"Bastila…" he started to say after we had laughed for a minute or two, and I could feel his hope, his love starting to take root in his soul. A part of me sang to the same rhythm and it sickened me. Despite everything I had gone through, all that I had done to become strong, I was still weak when it came to him. It wasn't tolerable; I had given up too much to find my strength. A cleansing rage swept through me.

"No!" I yelled, jumping up, my face red, "No, Revan. It will not work this way!" I moved to attack him again, even as he sprang to his feet.

After that, we battled for what seemed like an eternity, our bodies moving around the room, sometimes in tandem like a deadly dance, sometimes awkwardly as one or the other was forced on the defensive.

And then, in a pause in our battle, I noticed he was close to some pipes. Following an inspiration born of the Force, I struck again with lightning. His blade automatically moved blocked the fork that hurtled towards his body, ignoring the other two which passed by. He did not anticipate the reaction when the lightning hit the pipes behind.

The explosion was strong, far stronger than I had expected, and we were both hurtled back towards the center of the room, landing in a heap five meters away. We lay on the floor again, gasping this time. Though we rested only an extended lightsaber apart from each other, we were both too stunned to resume our battle.

"That," Revan said, his robe littered with sparks and burn holes, "was quite clever. You fight well, Bastila." I could feel the truth in his words, and though I longed to strike him down for his presumption to judge me, another part of me could not resist his words, flattery no longer but simply my due. _For once, my strength is being acknowledged honestly._

"The Jedi Council feared you, I think, more than me," Revan continued, talking now as if his earlier speech had never been interrupted, as if he was not lying on the ground, his robes in tatters from the blast. "They knew I had great Force strength, but my potential seemed well, on the same scale as their power. I was stronger, but in that I had more of the same stuff they had. You…You, on the other hand, have a strength that is almost impossible to measure. The ability just by your will to change the destiny of entire armies. I think your raw ability scared the common sense out of them."

"And that is why I have freed myself from the Council," I said, propping myself up on an elbow, "and why you should too. They are only interested in making us their slaves."

Carefully, he moved his blade between us, and though I moved my blade in response, neither of us attacked. "You never did anything wrong, Bastila," Revan said quietly, "not even falling to the dark side. It was the Council's fault. They put a weakness in you, Bastila. Though I do not fully understand its nature, even now I can sense it. That must have been what Malak exploited in turning you."

"Then that is all the more reason to oppose them, to see them bow before me. Or before us, if you will join us now, Revan. Why do you continue to serve them? Are you afraid of the dark side? It is true that it is terrible and overwhelming, but it is far more wonderful too." I paused, letting a touch of my power caress him from chest to groin, "I think that your apprenticeship under me would not be too onerous."

Revan sucked in his breath, and then chuckled when I released him, but his soul was sad and… I found myself puzzled by what I saw as we rested there, our defenses barely activated. His image in the Force was no longer the golden-white blaze of before, nor the dark sun I had seen on the _Leviathan_. Instead, it was a vibrant green that contained many hues that mixed, its texture changing constantly. It unnerved me, not for the strength it suggested but because of my inability to understand what would cause such a change in the character of his presence. I almost jumped when he started talking again.

"This need for control I have, that should have told me something. The ability I have to impose my will on events around me. It is not the attribute of a Jedi and yet it is as much a part of me as the lungs with which I breathe and my eyes, which I believe exist only to search for you."

I snorted then.

"Okay, fine, so my flattery is weak," he said. "No, Bastila, I'm not afraid of the dark side. I've just decided that I don't want to be either light or dark anymore. I want to be with you, somewhere far away from here. You know that Malak is using you, Bastila. Come away with me. Let the galaxy sort itself out."

And with that, his lightsaber blades collapsed into their hilt and his lightsaber clattered across the floor until it bumped against my side.

"I can not fight you, Bastila, though the universe hangs in balance. Why? I'm not sure if I would win, but that's not the reason. The real reason is, simply, because I don't want to win and if I'm going to die by your hand, I want it to be now, while I'm doing this." Revan got down on his knees then, and bowed his head, his neck deliciously exposed.

"I love you, Bastila," he said, his words like the teasing touches of a gentle warm breeze that should not, could not exist in the cold, metal confines of this room. "I want you with me from now until forever. Or I want to die."

"I don't believe you!" I yelled, jumping up, my free hand calling his discarded blade to it. "I saw how you betrayed the Exile, your other lover. How you betrayed Malak and all those other Jedi at Malachor V, **when you had already won the war!**"

Revan didn't move, but I could feel his anguish, even through the strong, mental defenses he maintained.

"I understand. That is the hardest part for me too. Why would I, Revan the Jedi or the Sith Lord, have done that? Was it merely for some kind of revenge or…"

"Revenge upon her, who loved you so selflessly. Were you still jealous, that she had also loved your best friend, Malak?" I couldn't help myself. Even as I spat the words at him, part of me begged him for an answer I could believe was worthy.

_Even if he did have a good reason, he will never take you back now, not after what you have done. _Somehow, that thought was comforting, taking away difficult choices. We would both pay, this day, for those we had betrayed.

Revan opened his mouth to continue, but I felt it was time for all pretenses to be split asunder.

"I have given myself to Malak, Revan. I have given him my allegiance, my soul, and _my body_. Willingly, eagerly, without hesitation. He is…" and my voice softened as I let the hand that held his lightsaber slide down between my breasts, "curious for a Sith Lord, hungry for power, unforgiving of incompetence, and yet faithful and noble in a way you will never know. You," and now voice was harder again, "are not worthy of walking in his dark shadow."

I paused then, to judge his reaction to what I had revealed. His despair was all that I had hoped for, and I drank it in, slowly, letting it warm my body through and through. _No more games, _I thought, _now we will end this. _

"So, Revan, will you now seek revenge upon me too, who has betrayed you much more than she ever did? Will you attack me, striving without possibility of success to undo the fact that it was Malak, and not you, who awoke me to the uninhibited pleasures of the flesh, and of power?" Here, I lit his lightsaber again, and thrust its blade down into the floor besides his body. "Or will you sit there, emasculated, begging for me to take you back, remaining the mewling servant of the "Light" the Jedi Council programmed you to be."

* * *

&. 

**(Revan)**

As she stood there, eyes gold with the deadly light of her unbridled power, her body taut and quivering to the tune of her battle lust, I found her more beautiful than ever, even as my jealousy and rage at her betrayal, expected though it had been, threatened to overwhelm me.

_Is this what it feels like to be a dark Jedi?_ My memories held no tangible recollection for me to draw upon, but I knew the answer anyway. _No, this is what a dark Jedi seeks to escape, just as the Jedi do with their Code._

"Okay, Bastila, so you want to know how I feel, do you?" My words cut, sharp, but it was me they wounded. "You desire to feel the full extent of the rage and hurt to satisfy your dark lust. Fine, here it is."

I think she expected me to grab my lightsaber then, for she jumped back from it, her blades in front of her ready for an attack. I had other weapons in mind, though.

I took all the pain and fury that raged inside of me and I pushed them against Bastila, battering her shields not with power but with my soul.

"Drink it in, my love," I said, walking towards her, my voice devoid of all inflection. Then, to my despair I added all the love that I felt, the uncertainty, the affection I had for the rest of the crew, the joy I felt when working on HK and other droids, and all the other emotions that were within me.

"Here I am, love. That's all of me, every scrap that was pieced together to make this shell of fake memories, everything that has slipped out of the void that replaced my true self. Every single part of me, out of control, out in the open."

"There's still your power," she whispered, transfixed under my assault. Her eyes were wide as I approached, her hands half raised as if trying to fend off a physical attack. Reaching her, I pulled her towards me, grabbed her lightsaber with my Force and aimed it at my heart.

Bastila was uncertain, I could see it on her face. _Finally, _I breathed to myself. _Oh Force, let there be hope!_

I could sense the hatred, hurt, and rage inside her, urging her to run me through with her weapon, and another part, freshly buried, struggling to resist, to understand what was happening, what I was doing.

"Have you betrayed me, Bastila? Perhaps. That is what my human heart screams at me even though you and I made no promises. But who am I to judge you? Whatever you have done pales in comparison to the devastation I have wrought, don't you think?" I swept my arms out, to indicate the Star Forge, the battle, all of the dead and dying in this fateful battle.

"You were right before. All sides of this conflict now fear me. Despite all the friends I have made on this quest, I still stand alone, because of my power." I looked back into those lethally beautiful, golden eyes then and dropped every single layer of my defenses. "I didn't come here to save you, Bastila. I'm asking you to save me."

I bowed my head. "Kill me, cut me off from the Force, reprogram me, make me your slave, whatever. Destroy me as you will. Or," I breathed, "love me."

* * *

&. 

**(Bastila)**

This was not what I had expected.

I could not move.

I hungered to steal his power and secrets, to bind him, to ravish his mind.

I wanted to wrap my arms around him, to comfort him.

I wanted to see him die.

_It must be a trick. He's trying to make me weak._

His mind was open, as he said, but I feared to enter all the same. No one was more cunning that he.

_Cut him down, don't trust him._

I had to know, but I hesitated.

_There is no way I will ever truly know. He is too crafty. _

"That is true. And so," he said, "knowing who I am, all you have to do is decide whether to spend the rest of your life with me, not knowing whether I will betray you, or become the most powerful woman in the galaxy." He paused for a moment and then chuckled. "Should be an easy decision, don't you think?"

And I hated him then, more than anything, because all I wanted him to do was to sweep me into his arms and take me away from here. _I am so utterly, hopelessly pathetic, and he will win again, as he always does. _

_No! It will not be so easy for him! I am not some trophy to be passed back and forth between two strutting men._

"Damn you!" I screamed, my fury lancing out as dark snakes of destruction, torching the machinery and walls that circled the room. I picked Revan up by the throat and carried him like a child's ragged doll to the holoprojector. Slamming him down on top of it, I ripped his robes open with my Force and lowered the tip of my black blade so that it hovered over his left eye. With cold purpose, I etched a shallow furrow in his skin, starting from his left cheek, passing over his heart and down his torso.

I wanted him to beg, to break, to defend himself, to kill me, to show me that he had been lying, but he did not move, did not flinch though the pain of the wound must have been overwhelming. He just looked my in the eyes, calm, loving.

"You still think you can have your way," I snarled at him, so angry because I could not kill him and I could not submit to him. And then inspiration struck, a gift of the Force that showed me a way out, beyond pride and submission.

"You arrogant snake. You think that I'm going to absolve you of responsibility by killing you or free you, forgiving you for all that you have done. Well I won't. I will not play your game."

I flicked my Force again, and the tattered remains of his robe flashed into flame, instantly consumed. I continued the track of my lightsaber down his left leg.

"You have a debt to the galaxy that must be repaid."

My lightsaber moved to his right ankle, and began its way up.

"You have a debt to Malak, to her."

The two lines of cauterized flesh were now complete, extending from cheek to ankle on both sides of his body. Although his forehead was littered by beads of sweat, his eyes still surrendered themselves to me.

"You have a debt to me, as this mark will forever remind you. Do you acknowledge your debts, Revan? Do you, as you surrender yourself to me in this moment, agree to honor them?"

"Yes."

"Good, for I will be watching you. Now then, let's start with me."

My robes burst into flames, consumed by the dark and hungry inferno that was my Force. Lowering my body on to his, I sensed that blaze turn gray, and then a red deeper than blood. As my tongue lapped at the cauterized edges of his wound, I felt the pain, which I thought had embedded its claws into me forever, loosen. Just a little. Just enough.

We made love then, passionately and oh too quickly, under the cold light of the holoprojector as it depicted the frantic pandemonium of the ongoing battle. As our bodies danced together, I felt Revan's mind weave together the ragged ends of the soul wound inflicted upon me by the Jedi Council in their fear—even as I healed his wound, leaving two, long fine scars that marked him as mine.

* * *

&. 

"Will it be like this for us, Revan, forever?" I said later, as we rifled through the lockers in the adjoining room for clothes. "Everything in absolutes?"

"I don't know, Bastila," Revan sighed, his cool hand flattened over my heart for a moment, "I don't know."

It was the beginning of our transition into something new beyond the narrow confines of "light" and "dark." I hoped we would live to explore it further.


	12. Chapter 12: Awakening

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

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**Happy New Year to y'all!**

**Thanks to my reviewers for their encouraging and candid reviews, I think I responded to you all, but if I didn't... umm... oops!**

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A/N: text within (-text-) brackets and dashes is occuring in another language. This was the only way I could find to make it clear given the limitations (-grrr!-) of this site regarding allowable characters. **

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**Chapter 12: Awakening  
**

&.

**Star Forge (Bastila)**

Afterwards, Revan would not tell me about his encounter with Malak, but I felt it all even if I remembered and understood very little.

Once we had clothed ourselves, and exchanged a last kiss, Revan dashed off towards the hall where Malak waited. As I concentrated on helping the Republic fleet, a small part of me followed the presence of Revan as he moved through the chambers beyond, a verdant green, writhing jungle that somehow never felt farther even as it moved away from me physically.

As I struggled to light fires into the hearts of the Republic fleet, I felt Revan's Force flare briefly, aggressively and then grow quiet, tense. For a long time, as I applied the weight of my Battle Meditation to the minds of the Sith soldiers, Revan's Force flickered—extending, probing tentatively—and I could tell that it found no purchase. For a brief moment, Revan's Force shrunk, turned inwards, mourned, and then it split, separating into threads made of purpose that wove themselves around him, forming a wall supple yet strong.

As the tides of the war hung in the balance outside the Star Forge, I felt Revan's wall buckle under Malak's onslaught, the combined power of two Malaks too strong for even one as powerful as my love. And yet, as always, it seemed that Revan was prepared, for I felt a sudden flare of pain from Malak in the Force.

It seemed that would be the end of the battle, but then I felt an immense surge of dark energy well through the walls of the Star Forge, and Revan's signature waned, corroded by pulses of bleak ruin and desolation. But even as Malak the Sith Lord battered Revan, Malak the Faithful hesitated, and I could sense his repulsion of the dark forces that his other self manipulated.

And so I extended my power once more to include this last battle between old friends. Two battles, one outside and one within, joined and played themselves out in my power, each hanging in the balance.

In the end, though Malak the Sith Lord was more powerful than ever, he could not stand before my lover and I. Not on this day when our bond was forged anew and our power awakened. Revan's strength grew, changed until it thrummed in time with the heartbeat of my will. Malak's might rose to challenge it, but he could not last.

Revan and I were united, but he was not, and that made the difference in the end. As our power waxed, I could feel Malak's resignation growing, slowly but inevitably. Later, I would wonder if he had ever expected to, or even wanted to, win this ultimate battle with Revan.

As Revan overthrew Malak, I channeled the feeling of impending victory to the ships around us, and the battle there turned as well, finally and irrevocably.

And then it was over. Though I could not make out the words, I knew Malak was speaking to Revan one last time. As his presence in the Force failed, I felt the silken caress of a whisper flow by me, a last message from Malak to the one he loved.

"Xi Lan."

Two simple words, but they tore my heart out as they passed, though they were not meant for me. For a moment I wondered if she would hear it, and it saddened me that she probably wouldn't, but then the danger of the current situation pulled me out of my musings. Knowing that Revan would follow, I dashed towards the hangar where the _Ebon Hawk_ awaited us. My feet beat a song of desperate flight against the metal walkways of the Star Forge, and then I arrived at our ship, where was greeted by raised lightsabers standing tall over the scattered bodies of Sith troopers and dark Padawans.

"Hold Juhani," Jolee said, stepping in front of the tense Cathar. Jolee's eyes dug into my own, and then he slipped past those surface impressions, following the ways that wisdom knows.

"Bastila is not a danger to us, not now at least," he continued then, putting a hand on Juhani's shoulder, even as he watched me.

"So…" Jolee drawled after a short while, "did we win?"

My brow started to furrow. _Surely he felt Malak's fall_, I started to think, but then I realized that tears streamed down my face. It was, I realized, my tribute to Malak, one that Revan would never be able to give him, even though I was sure he would wish to.

I wanted to say something witty, something to lighten the mood, but I found I had not the words. I never had the words. I stood there for a moment, my mouth open and silent, as Jolee smirked at me. Then, surprising myself, I tentatively pulled him into a small hug. I expected him to draw back, to protect himself against the Sith I had been, but he pulled me into his arms and squeezed hard. I was touched, for he had never before expressed much affection for me. I felt another small parcel of the darkness leave me.

"Thank you," I said, and I think I heard him mutter something about "kids."

"You walk an interesting path, Bastila," he said a moment later, pushing me until he held me at arms length, "for one who was a faithful follower of the Order. Revan too. Perhaps," he continued, a wry grin lighting his face, "we should make falling to the Dark Side a part of the training. You know, fall once or twice, and see where it might take us."

It was a shocking and brutal statement to say to one as raw as I, but one that I realized signaled his acceptance of me. I nodded cautiously to him, while Juhani watched us both with quivering impatience.

I think she would have said something, but then Revan entered the room, his face much too cold and guarded for one who had just won the war. I thought I understood, but I had no time to probe him for the reasons.

As I raced with the crew into the _Ebon Hawk_, I felt the last spark of Malak's life flicker. I silently vowed then that I would tell Xi Lan what I could of the Malak whose story would never be recounted in the annals of this war. As the _Ebon Hawk_ fled the Star Forge, Malak's death was lost in the exploding cascades that sent the station into the underlying sun.

&.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan)**

I was bent over a piece of jewelry, lit by a single lamp that struggled against the darkness of a city gone to sleep, when I heard it.

"Xi Lan."

I frantically gazed around the room, my heart pounding. _How did he find me?_ I thought, my reactions split between flinging myself into his arms and running to the end of the world.

But he was not there. Instead, I felt the murmur of his presence vanish. Until now, I had not realized that it had always been there, at the back of my mind.

A flash of light near the window to my left distracted me for just a moment, but I didn't care who was watching, not now. Malak had just died, and there was only one person I knew who could kill him.

I had never thought that one of them would die. I had never even conceived of the possibility that one would kill the other. Wasn't that why I had been the one left behind?

I had done everything I could to put them out of my mind, to banish the hurt that their betrayal had caused me.

Revan, in some ways, had been easier. He had been the architect of all that had been done for me. I did not care what the reasons were for his actions, though I was sure he would have some. He had made a choice that I could never stomach, to sacrifice a lover in cold blood, without even asking if I was willing.

There was no forgiveness in me for him.

What I felt about Malak was much more complicated. I understood that Malak could not have done otherwise—not unless he gave up everything that made him what he was. Still, his complicit acceptance of Revan's betrayal had torn my heart asunder all the same.

And yet, he had always been there for me, as a lover, friend, and more. While Revan had cut his bond with me to protect himself, Malak never had. When Revan's jealously had caused Malak to withdraw from our relationship, Malak had done so without rancor. And then there was that one dream where I had seen how much Malak's betrayal of me had hurt him in turn. How a part of him had been injured because he would not loose his bond to me.

As I tried to keep down the building storm within me, taking deep breaths like I had been taught so long ago in the Order, I realized that I would have liked to see Malak one last time. I wished we could sort out what I felt for him and what we could have been together, without Revan.

But now Malak was dead, likely at Revan's hand, and I would never get the chance that I realized I had been hoping for.

It was too much. I had to let my emotions go.

&.

* * *

Waking up the next morning, I discovered the salty trails of spent tears on my face as I tried to rub my fatigue from them. Looking around, I sighed. My entire apartment looked like a squad of drunken Mandalorians had visited. 

Imagining Toxel's crew making havoc at my place, I felt a small, wistful smile flitter across my face. I missed them, especially Toxel. I found myself wishing again that he would come to see his baby, but I did not know who would listen.

As I cleaned up the damage I had caused in my rage, I returned my thoughts to Revan and Malak and my feelings about them. Malak, whom perhaps I could have forgiven, was dead at the hands of Revan, for whom my heart had no more room. Not before and certainly not now.

It was only later that I realized that I had placed a new, large earring in my right ear, one I had made several months before. It was a silly, dark yet sentimental design, a heart half torn asunder held together by a pair of large, strong hands.

From that day, I stroked it every time I felt overwhelmed by life, or when I was enjoying a particularly beautiful moment, such as a sunset.

&.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan). 3 months after the Star Forge was destroyed**

(-How much longer?-) Pelo the Bith asked me.

I put my tools down and slowly straightened my back. I felt a kick and my hands instinctively moved to cup my belly. I felt myself smile, as I rubbed the round ball that I had become.

_Who would have thought that this little Jedi would soon be a mother? _

"I'm not sure, as always," I said, turning towards Pelo.

(-Have you found a human doctor yet?-)

"No, but Pund, the Twi'lek doctor down the street, has some experience with us. I'm sure he will be sufficient."

(You finally look happy, at least. I am glad. We had been worried about you these last few months.) He offered his arm to me, and I took it gratefully as I pulled myself up off Toxel's chair. As he helped me pack up my tools, I thought about how things had changed for me the last few months.

A month ago, the other stall merchants had started bringing me food, telling me that I had to feed the baby more. At first, I had refused, confused as to why they thought I needed assistance, but then I had felt something at the back of my mind. It was a feeling of absolute trust and need, and I found I couldn't deny it. And then I realized what the others had seen. Since Revan had killed Malak, I had grown thin and a bit wild.

_Whatever happens to me from now on, _I told myself then, _no matter how I alone I am, there is no going back. I am going to be... no I am a mother. And my child needs me to be strong._

Since then, I had eaten all the food I could.

After a while, I had started inviting the other stall merchants to join me, wanting to repay them back for their earlier help. As the days passed by, we got into a rhythm in which we took turns cooking for the group.

Now, each night after we finished eating, the others told stories about their children. They spoke of the wonder they felt as they watched their children grow up, and commiserated with each other about the worries that apparently most species felt for their children. Even when the stories were painful, I saw the underlying joy that these aliens shared with each other when it came to their offspring. Those feelings had seeped deeply into me and I found myself looking forward to the time my baby was born.

This night we were meeting at Pelo's stall, which luckily was not too far. Pelo put down Toxel's chair for me and I sat down on it with a sigh, my hands automatically moving to stroke my stomach once again. As I watched the others arrive, I found myself hoping again that Toxel would return one day to see his baby. I knew he would try to visit me when he could, but even if he did find out about the baby, he would never take me on his ship again. He had other duties besides pampering a broken Jedi. Still, I found myself smiling as I anticipated what his reaction would be. I hoped he would come before it was born.

&.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan). Four months after the Star Forge was destroyed**

I held him in my arms and the pain fled into the tired ache and glow of an exhilarating, strenuous effort. His scalp shone clean and bright and his body seemed fit, but it was his eyes that captured my attention. They were so awake and they bored into me. At that moment, I could feel him claim me as his own and I fell instantly, irrevocably in love with him.

Then his eyes lost their focus, roaming aimlessly around the room as the doctor claimed him for various tests. My gaze never left him, though, not for a moment. Later that night, I fell asleep with him in my arms and I found that one such as I, who had lost almost everything, could still have the world.

&.

* * *

**Jedi Temple, Coruscant -- (Bastila). One year after the Star Forge was destroyed**

_Betrayer._

I heard a rasping whisper, but it was not in my head. Revan shot up, his head turning from side to side.

He looked at me, and I quickly closed my eyes. I didn't want him hiding what was happening from me, and despite all that we had gone through, he still tended to do that. He pushed aside a few strands of the hair from my face, and I could feel Revan's love like a setting sun, streaking the skies, waters, and earth of my being with his glorious colors. But then, Revan was distracted again, by a voice that, I realized now, willed me to hear it too.

_Betrayer_. It was Malak. I would never forget that voice. But how could that be?

As Revan searched the area with his Force, the voice laughed quietly, the darkness and warmth intertwined in it achingly familiar.

_Revan, it's time to stop hiding behind the mask of forgetfulness. Already, you put aside your debt to me, losing it in the arms of your sweet lover_. Malak paused for a moment, and I felt his brief acknowledgement of me, one that he hid from Revan.

_It's time, brother, _he continued, _to remember what you have done and who you are._

"I have tried to remember my past life, Malak. I continue to seek the truth, but most records have been erased and my memories remain inaccessible to me. It will take time."

_Then I will help you_. I felt the flow of images stream into Revan, though Malak hid the content of them from me. I imagined they contained much more detail than had been revealed to me when I fell, but I did not want to know more. More had already revealed to me than I wanted to know.

Still, I sensed Revan's feelings as those memories unfolded. At first, there was joy and wonder, but they were soon replaced by horror and self-recrimination as Malak dragged him through the events at the end of the Mandalorian War. And then, despite the protection that Malak afforded me, I touched with Revan ten thousand wailing voices circling a never-ending vortex of hunger. It was near overwhelming.

By the time that I recovered from that experience, Revan was on the floor, sheets curled in his clenched fists, his lungs heaving like bellows. I immediately jumped out of bed and cradled him in my arms as he gasped for air. His throat sounded raw.

"Revan, are you okay? Speak to me!" I cried.

"A nightmare. It was just a nightmare." I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince me or himself.

_Betrayer_, Malak spoke into his mind again, and I felt Revan shudder.

"Force, what have I done?" he said, burying his face in his hands. I could only hold him tight.

&.

* * *

**(Revan) Early the next morning.**

How was I going to tell Bastila? How could I tell the woman I loved that I had to leave her to find Xi Lan, my first love?

Malak had placed a debt upon me after that terrible battle on the Star Forge, one that I had accepted because I could not mourn his passing and betrayal like a best friend should. I didn't have the memories that could tell me what I had felt for him, that could transform the blighted monster who lay dying at my feet into the visage of a soul brother.

"Find Xi Lan," he had said as his lifeblood stained the floor, "and accept her judgement, no matter what she should demand of you. Unless it is your death. You are too valuable to die just yet, Revan, but not so much that you can't pay back your debts."

And I wanted to fulfill that oath. From the images taken from Malak's mind that Bastila had shared with me, my actions had been deplorable indeed. I had been profoundly relieved when Bastila had made it very clear that she forgave me for all my actions as a Sith Lord

But the oath I had made to Malak was near inconsequential compared to the most important reason I needed to find Xi Lan, a reason I had discerned from the memories Malak had shared with me. I needed to protect the galaxy from her. I had to find Xi Lan because she posed a grave threat to the Force and to all life. If she lost control of what was inside her, questions of light and dark would pale compared to the destruction she would unleash. Perhaps even the Force itself could be extinguished if the emptiness inside her was allowed to feed upon it.

I knew I should bring Bastila with me. I knew I would be breaking promises I had made to her, but I could not lose Bastila, not again. I couldn't bear the risk of her being consumed by that angry hunger. If I brought her, I knew I would be too obsessed, too concerned with protecting Bastila to do what was needed. I would rather die alone than see her harmed once more because of what I had done in my past.

Besides, I was ashamed of the cold-blooded thoughts that ran through my mind, and scared of them. I knew that, if the risk posed by Xi Lan was too great, I might have to kill her. I had thought, and I had wanted, to put that side of me away forever, the part of me that was willing to do whatever it takes for the cause I embrace.

I still wasn't sure why I had betrayed Xi Lan though I had some guesses based on the memories of that Malak had given me. Still, those memories were his, and so they could not show me what I was really thinking, and why I did what I did. They could not reassure me that, once I started down this path of obligation again, I would not sacrifice Bastila or countless other friends and sentients for the sake of a "greater" cause.

I didn't want Bastila to see this aspect of me. I didn't want her to wonder, every time my eyes looked upon her, whether I was evaluating her relative merit or considering the potential benefits of sacrificing her for my purpose. I couldn't do that to her, nor to me.

_Better that she thinks I left to protect her, without knowing the dangers I feared._

&.

* * *

**(Bastila)**

He thought I wouldn't understand. He thought he had to go alone, leave me behind. I could taste his determination across the bond that joined us, though he tried to hide his wakefulness from me. It was a futile effort, just as my pretended sleep would have been had Revan not been so distracted. _How could such an intelligent man be so dense?_

I didn't know what promises Revan had made to Malak on the bridge of the Star Forge. Perhaps his destination and mine were the same—Xi Lan, his mysterious, maimed first lover. And yet, as I lay there pretending to sleep, I knew I had to let him go, to walk his own path while I walked mine.

I needed to find Xi Lan and tell her Malak's tale as no other would or could tell it, not even Revan. She deserved to learn of Malak's love for her from someone who knew his feelings, as I did. Malak had revealed them to me as he had turned me. And she needed to hear from someone that Malak had died a hero as well as a monster, which perhaps only I truly understood.

Besides, from what Malak had shown me I doubted she would welcome any words or apologies from Revan, no matter how heartfelt.

_And I will find her first, my love_, I thought smugly, careful to keep my thoughts hidden behind manufactured dreams of a romantic adventure several months before. Following my instincts, I had never told Revan that I had seen a visual picture of her location in Malak the Faithful's mind. I doubted that this aspect of Malak had shown it to Revan.

_And once I find Xi Lan and tell her what she needs to know, I will seek you out my love, and I will make you regret this silly subterfuge of yours. You should know by now that I accept the whole of you, dark and light. Even if it means we must fight about what is right._

I smiled at my thoughts, even as tears fell from my face once the door closed softly behind me. I amused myself by thinking about the wicked obligations I would place upon him when we met again. It was the only way I could stop myself from feeling the loneliness his departing power left in my soul.

If I had known how long we would be apart, I would never have let him go.

&.

* * *

**Jedi Temple, Coruscant – one month after Revan left (Bastila)**

As I strode into the Jedi Temple, I could not believe that a year and a half had passed since Malak was defeated. One since Revan had left. I had wanted to start on my own journey earlier, but it had not been possible. The Jedi Council had watched me too closely.

Instead, I had continued my public role. The days had flown by, disappearing into the endless state dinners, public appearances, and award ceremonies. When others asked me where Revan was, I only smiled politely and changed the topic of conversation.

The Jedi Masters had asked as well, and I had given them the only response I could, "I don't know."

Now, for the first time since I was first initiated as a Padawan in the Temple so many years ago, I was returning to stand before the full Jedi Council, no doubt to be asked the same questions again.

No Padawan or Knight met me to escort me. I knew the way to the Council chambers so there was no need. Besides, there was no Jedi, save for a few of the Jedi Council members, who were powerful enough to force me towards a destination not of my choosing.

The halls of the Temple were much quieter than I remembered. So many had died in the wars, first against the Mandalorians, then against Revan and Malak. Many of those that remained alive were dark Jedi, hiding on Korriban or scattered around the galaxy. The others, still servants of the Light, had returned to Coruscant, Dantooine, and the other hidden Jedi enclaves to rebuild the strength of the Jedi. The need for Jedi was greater than it had been, and there were so few for a galaxy so large. Perhaps that is why the Jedi Council had not moved against us, deviants that Revan and I were.

As I approached the door of the main Council chambers, I realized that I felt apprehension. The Jedi Council members were, no matter how powerful Revan and I counted ourselves, some of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. With their combined strength, they could likely master me, if they chose to make this day a battle. It was not this I feared, not truly. Though they had done terrible things, I felt that their intentions were more good than bad.

_No, it's my old training that is making me anxious, _I reflected, pausing to examine my appearance in a nearby mirror. "_It is dying hard despite all that I had done, and that had been done to me, to free myself of it. Behind these doors awaits those whom I have revered and feared for most of my life. Now I come to them, a Jedi who fell to the Dark Side and emerged as something both more and different, something beyond their teachings. What will they make of me, I wonder? _

I wished I had Revan's mind, his ability to take hold of a meeting and turn it to his will through the strength of his insight and intellect. But such wishing is fruitless, so I looked inside myself for what I could bring instead. It wasn't hard to find, both because it had always been there and yet was newly awoken.

_Passion,_ I laughed to myself, _no longer feared and newly forged to a purpose._

I smoothed out a few almost invisible wrinkles in my new robes. My days of wearing dull colored, Jedi robes were past. The new robes were made of a soft and slightly rough material. I had thought to give up the robes, to wear clothes that did not smack of the Jedi. However, as I had tried on different styles of clothing, I realized that the robes were as much a part of me as my hair or the color of my eyes.

I wore a knee-length outer robe, dyed a deep red with black cuffs and collar. Underneath were a simple black shirt and red pants, both made of silk. My hair was loose, falling to just below my shoulders. I had to admit that I was pleased with the look.

_No more prim Jedi lass for me. _

In my belt hung the black enameled lightsaber that Revan had built me. Even though a month had passed, I still marveled at how the lightsaber _fit _me. In my hand, it felt like an extension of my body and I found it hard to be parted from it. Its blade reflected me as well, perfectly. Where it had been black on the Star Forge, now it glowed the colors of autumn, as my Force did, shifting in hue and texture depending upon my mood. Sometimes, I lit the blade simply to watch the subtle swirling energies produced by the crystal Revan had set in the hilt.

Taking one last deep breath, I tore myself from my reflection and musings and walked through the rest of the hall to the Council Chamber.

&.

* * *

"Padawan Bastila..." Though I had never met her, I knew that voice from reputation. No one else could make ice and fire reside in one voice. 

"I am a Padawan no longer, Master Atris."

"Is that so? Did someone promote you while I wasn't looking?" I could sense some of the Masters just out of my sight making small gestures to Atris, perhaps trying to calm her down. I almost laughed right there.

_Who would have ever thought that the Masters would try to prevent one of their own from talking to me so?_

"Master Atris, look at me through the Force. What do you see?"

Atris didn't answer, though her cold, shining eyes said it all. _Here is one_, I realized, _who would lock me away without a moment's notice_.

"We see great power, young one," Master Kavar said quietly, "of a sort that we do not recognize. You must forgive us if we treat you cautiously, for all that you have done for the Republic. You reluctance to tell us where Revan has gone does not help the matter either."

"I do not know where Revan has gone, truly, save that he feels that there is both a threat to be investigated and a debt to be repaid."

"Surely you have some guesses, Padawan," Atris demanded, her eyes challenging me to refute the title again. It was inconsequential to me.

"I do, but they are not for me to share. I have my own debts to pay. Please," I continued, addressing the rest of the Jedi Council, "listen to me for a moment. I am not avoiding what I have done nor I am not afraid to face my failings. I know I fell and that thousands died because of me. For that, I am truly sorry. I promise you that I will repay my debts."

"And," I continued, before Atris or another could interrupt, "I understand the reasons why you do not trust me yet. I stand before you, one of you who fell and returned both stronger and different. You are not sure if I am Jedi or Sith." I paused here, as Revan had taught me in the months before he left.

"I am neither, though I stand for the people of the Republic." I paused again, to let that bit sink in. As I watched the Jedi consider my words, some openly hostile, many confused, and perhaps a few sympathetic, I thanked Revan silently for preparing me for this day.

_One day, the Council will call us to them, Bastila, _he had said_, because we have moved beyond what they understand. I don't know yet what we are, and maybe one day we should seek out Jolee again to see if he can help us understand. Whatever answer we might find, though, you and I are now powers who must find new ways to serve the Force that go beyond "Jedi" and "Sith."_

"Go on," Master Kavar said.

"Though I continue to serve, my path is now different from yours. I will not submit to your judgement or your will. You had my trust and you abused it." I could not help it, my voice broke and my eyes brimmed with the pain that act had etched into me.

Instinctively, my hand stole to my lightsaber and I felt its eager energies soothe my soul. As I took deep breaths to calm my whirling emotions, I almost didn't notice the flash of fear that crossed the face of some of the Masters, and the shields of power that were readied as I paused.

_Even though you are not here, Revan, you have changed the galaxy so profoundly that the Council fears one lonely woman such as I._

That thought calmed me, and so I found the strength to continue. Instead of wiping my eyes, I left them wet, letting the Council see my power reflected into their brimming depths.

"I've fulfilled my public duties for the Order and the Republic. Now, I have private ones that must be met. Please... please, this is very important to me. You owe me this." _Don't make me fight you_, I continued silently, even as my hand instinctively stroked my lightsaber.

"I think we can work something out, Bastila," Master Kavar said. I saw the others glance briefly at him in shock, before slipping behind their masks again. I hoped he could carry them. Though the Jedi had wronged me, I felt that they still worked largely for the good. I didn't want to part on bad terms, as their enemy.

I took my hand off my lightsaber and we proceeded to discuss the terms of my new affiliation with the Jedi Order.

&.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan). Six months after Revan left.**

As Pelo and I watched, little Toxel let go of the chair and took two small steps towards us. His eyes, steel gray with flecks of amber and red, were focused as he slid one foot forward, his body wobbling. His face shone with pride as he took two more steps, and even as he tottered and then fell to the ground.

I couldn't help myself. I pulled him into my arms, laughing as I hugged him to me while Pelo patted him on the back.

Two weeks later, he could walk perfectly. Though I could not feel the Force, I knew my son was strong in it, likely stronger than I had ever been.

&.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Bastila). 1½ years after Revan left.**

_She has a child, a beautiful baby boy!_ I stood across the square, my feet seemingly planted into stone beneath them as I struggled to cope with the shock I felt at seeing Xi Lan with her young son.

During the year that I had searched for Xi Lan, I had practiced over and over again what I would say to her, trying to prepare for each possible state that I might find her in.

But I was not prepared for this.

I had never anticipated this quiet woman who, though dark shadows howled inside her soul, made jewelry that was beautiful in its raw and simple design and fussed contentedly over her child.

They were a striking pair, both in their contrasts and similarities. Physically, they looked much the same, though her son would be big and strong where she was small and lithe. And yet, where Xi Lan was empty her son was luminescent. Without needing to probe, I could feel her son's potential for the Force. Though it was hard to judge how strong he would be when he grew up, I knew he would certainly be suitable for Jedi training.

_Is she going to take him to the Jedi? _I wondered. Looking at her, her face alight with joy as she watched her son play, I thought not. _What mother, especially she who must feel that the Order let her down, would part with such a treasure?_

I continued to watch them, safely hidden by the fountain at the center of the square. Her hands dirty and her hair and clothes littered with metal dust and scraps, Xi Lan was laughing with her child, reacting to a story he was telling.

_How can she be so happy with that wound?_ I thought, and then another idea occurred to me. _Would she let me train him?_ As I considered that possibility, and how I might approach her on it, I realized something else.

_Why does my heart swell so, at the sight of another's child? I have seen so many other children, why does this one feel special to me?_ Try as I might I could not find a logical answer, though I sensed there was a connection between Xi Lan's child and me, of a sort that I could not decipher. Whatever it was, I felt an inexplicable need to protect and nourish him. It unnerved me greatly.

_Revan must see this child, so that he can help me uncover this mystery. And Xi Lan's son must be trained, by either Revan and I or the Order, _I vowed, pushing the matter of my emotional reactions to her child aside for now.

_And if she won't let me take him_, another part of my mind asked_, what then? Can I risk leaving one such as he in the hands of a wounded one such as her?_ _Could he be corrupted by that darkness within her? Will he ever reach his potential if she does not release him? _

These were not questions I felt comfortable asking either. I decided then to delay approaching her. _I'm sorry Malak, but there is something going on here that is beyond me and I can't talk to her until I figure it out. _

_I will wait for Revan to come. I need his guidance in this, and I'm not comfortable leaving them to go find him. I will wait and watch, and try again to reach Revan through our bond. Surely my love will come soon. And then... we will see._

Looking around, I surveyed possible places in the vicinity where I might live while I waited for Revan.

&.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan). 2 years after Revan left.**

(-What are you making? -) Toxel asked Pelo, his carefully enunciated Bith words spoken with a flawless accent.

As we had become closer friends, Pelo had moved his stall next to mine. A widower, Pelo helped me take care of Toxel, feeding and teaching him when I was busy. Though I gathered it was unusual for a Bith and a human to be such close friends, Pelo and I were not bothered by what others might say. It was a comfortable rapport we shared, based on good conversation and a love for craftsmanship.

As Pelo launched into a slow and careful explanation of how wind chimes worked and why certain shapes and designs worked better, I watched my son from where I sat in a nearby chair.

Toxel's face was almost comically intense for one so young, but I knew his expression mirrored the focus of his mind. In many ways, Toxel looked like me. Like me, his eyes were almond-shaped and sat close together on his face. His face was framed by long, thick black hair that hung past his shoulders. His skin was light brown and his fingers longer than usual.

At the same time, his father's appearance was very present in him. Toxel's body was already strong and, from what the records of human and Mandalorian babies showed me, he was far above average in his size and physical coordination.

_Though I doubt neither Toxel or I ever looked as intent as my son does now_. I marveled once again at how quickly my son learned, and how interested he was in everything. _If I did not know better, I would say that he was Malak or Revan's child._ But that could not be.

I waited for the anger that I always felt when I thought of Revan and Malak, but it did not come. _I can't be angry at them, not anymore. One's dead and I'll never see the other, and for that I am thankful. Besides, what is all that compared to the wonder of this one small, proud soul?_

I should have returned to my work, but I couldn't take my eyes of my son. Toxel's father had been a good friend, but I had assumed my heart would remain loveless after Malachor V. Instead, that heart was filled with my son. Not even the Force had made me feel this way.

I still sometimes wondered what had happened to Toxel and his crew. Though I still missed them, I found that they were further and further from my thoughts. My son, my jewelry, and my friends were enough for me and, besides, Toxel and I had never made any promises. Still, I hoped that one day Toxel would get to see his son, though I knew that he might never know about him.

A discrete cough pulled me from my musings and I turned to my counter. In front of it was a tattered looking human woman, one hand holding several hundred credits and the other pointing to a ring on my shelf. As I completed the transaction, our hands touching and the spark of light passing between us as it always did, I marveled again at how these desolate souls found me here at the edge of known space.

Between my son, the jewelry, and these healing encounters, I felt better than I had ever thought possible given what rested inside me.

&.

* * *

**Re'cha -- (Xi Lan). 2½ years after Revan left.**

I awoke, breathing hard, my face coated in sticky sweat.

_Something is _wrong_! What is it Xi Lan, think!_

Struggling to contain the panic that threatened to overwhelm me, I ran into the other rooms in my apartment: my workroom, my kitchen, the bathroom. _Everything seems in place, and yet it feels all wrong! What am I missing? Missing... something is missing! Oh Force, what is missing? I should know! I know I should know. _

But no matter how much I searched that apartment, I couldn't figure out what it was that wasn't there. All my clothes were there, all my jewelry, all my equipment. Everything that I remembered as important to me was where it should be.

_But it isn't, there's something more that should be here, but I don't know what it is._

I dashed outside, looking frantically around. Nothing seemed unusual. I went to where I set up my stall, forgetting my equipment and wares at my house in my rush. I tried asking everyone I knew about what I could be missing, but none of them seemed to know. They all looked at me as if I was a bit mad. Pelo told me to go home and get some rest.

_But I'm sure that something is missing, something I need to find. I don't know what, maybe I'm crazy, but oh my heart hurts! It burns and the only thing that would soothe it is gone, it's gone!_

I didn't know what I was doing, but my body took over while my head and heart spun out of control. Only when I lay down for the night did I realize that I was on a space ship, bound for another planet. I banged my head as I sprung out of that bed.

_Whatever I'm missing, it's not on Re'cha_. _Someone took something from me, and now I've got to find it._

I imagined that my eyes must have looked as panicked as I felt, for a couple of humans went white and turned around when they saw my face.

_Get a hold of yourself, Xi Lan, _I thought, pacing frantically back and forth beside my bed in an effort to channel the panic out of my body. _There must have been someone powerful in the Force. Someone who could change the memories of non-Force sensitives such as my friends and I. Frack! _The enormity, the sheer impossibility of the situation came crashing down on me then.

_How will I fight such a one, or even find him?_ I had nothing. No weapons, no Force to draw upon, no contacts save for Toxel whom I had no way of locating. There was nobody and nothing that could help me find out what had been stolen from me and where it had been taken.

Nobody except for Revan.

It was a long shot, but he was the only one who could help me. _He owes me!_ my mind shouted, and my fists clenched on the pipes that supported my bunk as I struggled with the distress I felt at the prospect of confronting and asking... no, _demanding_ help of my betrayer.

_How will I convince him to help me? I don't even know what I have lost! I have nothing to offer. Nothing, that is, except this crazy instinct that has taken me by the ears and is leading me into the unknown. All to find something I didn't even remember having, but that is more important to me than anything else: my pride, my life, and my fear of my former lover._

And so I began to make my way to the bridge of the ship, to see if I could book passage to the Republic.

As I walked the passageways, each person I met giving me a wide berth despite my small size, I promised myself one thing over and over again. No matter how long it took, I would never stop looking, even if I had to search every single planet in the galaxy. Even if I had to drag Revan and the entire Jedi Order into the hunt.

And when I found this person, and discovered what they had taken from me... nothing would save them from my wrath.

_Nothing_, I repeated, willing the cold depths of space to carry my promise to my enemies

It was only later, when I returned to my bunk, that I realized I had crushed its plastisteel supports.


	13. Chapter 13: Saving Atton

**--SAVING ATTON--**

**(An Interlude)**

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**All the usual disclaimers: not mine, don't hurt me, etc... **

**A/N: **This has been modified slightly from the first version. I will explain the purpose of those modifications in the A/N at the beginning of the next chapter. If you haven't read it already, then there should be no problem.

**Other A/N's and Thanks: see bottom

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**&.**

**Datapad 100-5/A-X -- (Y'stal). Time period unknown, discovered twenty years after the fall of Kreia.**

The name I wore on Jerslo III was Y'stal and this is the story about how I turned an assassin into the one who would help protect the galaxy. He would not do it by creating a grand plot or by some great application of power. He would do it not knowing why he did it. He did it out of faith. He did it for me.

It was I who set him on the path, and I did it because I thought it would save him, which it did, and me, which it did not. But that is a different tale.

It was easy to seek him out, but the decision was hard. I did not know if I would escape alive or unscathed.

To hunt a killer, I had to be a victim. I walked through the streets of Jerslo III, a planet of the Outer Rim. My lightsaber was displayed obviously in my belt, poorly hidden by my long robe that was different from Jedi robes and yet screamed "Jedi" all the same. Together, my look was chosen to attract attention of the worst kind, an innocent who thinks she is being clever.

I had walked the streets for two days now, asking only semi-discrete questions about the locations of "suspicious people." I made it seem that I was hunting the hunters, but in truth I was playing the prey. I was pure in a world that had sold its soul many years ago.

To hunt a Jedi is not a path lightly taken, and I made sure that it was not too easy. Another man, perhaps an assassin or just a thug, had tried to capture me yesterday, planting something in my drink. When that hadn't worked, he had tried throwing a stun grenade at me as I rounded the corner into the alley of my abode. He charged in after the grenade went off, his blasters firing, and I dropped down on him from the wall where I had been clinging. The cut was so clean, not a drop of blood spilled to the ground.

His body was picked up the next day. No questions were asked.

It was two days later and I was walking the same street again. This time, my gaze was more wary and my hand rested on my lightsaber. There would be a point where I would let him take me, but I had to make it as hard for him as possible. I didn't want him to suspect a thing.

I shouldn't have worried.

I smelt the gas, though it was a subtle smell, and I leaped up from the ground to clear my lungs. From the roof above, I scanned the alley and streets below, but I did not see anything. He was too smart to reveal himself, and I smiled. I think he had left me his calling card, to let me know that the game had begun. If I hadn't been able to read it, then I wouldn't have been worthy of it.

The next day, I found something in my boot. No one had entered the room, I was sure of it, but there it was, a little spike in the depths of my boot lined with a thick liquid. I looked around to see how he might have achieved this small miracle and I realized that one of the windows had a small hole in it. The window was five meters away, and the hole was only big enough for a small tube.

_Did he blow it in, _I wondered, _or drop it in with some kind of pole and wire? Either way, I'm lucky that I was out of sight of this window or the game would have been over too soon._

I knew that I needed to get his attention by being extraordinarily difficult. Losing too soon, I would be turned over to another, the bait untaken and the boredom continuing.

I needed to improve my game.

So I started hunting him, because I realized that if I waited for him, I wouldn't last.

I had never been a hunter before, never engaged in the more violent aspects of being Jedi. I was used to gentler pursuits, but my need and his required desperate measures. I needed to find him, to know that I could act out of love when all that I had done before had been dictated by the Code. I needed to be, just for a moment, a human.

I moved through the streets, across rooftops, and under the ground in sewers. Always scenting him through the Force, looking for the patch of silence where even the barren rocks sang of life. I was looking for the hole, for the patch that said, "Don't see me."

Each time I found his trail, I tried to catch him as he led me on a chase through the streets and into surrounding hills. He always managed to evade me.

One night, he left me a rose. It was freshly plucked from a nearby garden, perhaps five minutes old. I was getting close and he knew it. He loved me for it. He had gotten too good at what he was doing, and needed a challenge. I cut a small hole in my robe and placed the rose there. With the Force, I could keep it alive for a long time.

I knew it would intrigue him that I kept it.

The next time I came close, he left me something less pleasant. As I stood ten meters away, I watched the small snakes writhe around the small hole into which I had almost fallen. I had sensed danger as I had approached the spot, but I thought that it had had come from the larger predators—Kulaxes if I remembered the name right—just behind the hill. I had only realized my peril at the last very moment, and had jumped away barely in time.

That night, a small gas grenade landed on the roof where I had been sleeping the past few nights. As my body lay their prone, unmoving in the cloud of smoke, I had seen his dark silhouette peek over the edge of the roof. It was only there for a moment, and I let a small smile loose as it disappeared again. I let the bubble of Force that had protected me from the gas push it farther away.

The next morning, I tested the gas and realized why he had disappeared. The gas was designed to make its victims twitch when they succumbed. I had not moved at all and so he had known that the gas hadn't affected me.**

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**&.**

**(Jaq)**

I watched the Jedi walk towards me. Her hand was on her lightsaber, but she walked slowly, as if distracted. I was not fooled though. I could feel her questing search at the back of my head.

She had tracked me for the past three hours, despite all that I had done to throw her off. I wasn't sure how she was following me, and that made me nervous. But it was a nervous I liked.

Looking at her again through my field goggles, I wondered what she looked like up close. Her hair was as colorless as ice and shoulder length. Her face seemed almost as pale, but it was hard to tell much else. There was something stiff about her movement, and I wondered again why someone so obviously out of place in this game of cloak and dagger was doing here, chasing me.

And then I noticed her left hand steel upwards towards something on her lapel. _My rose_.

The Jedi's hand rubbed the rose absently as she turned her head from side to side. A moment later, she looked in my direction and started walking towards me. It was then that I realized how she was tracking me.

_The rose_, I chuckled, _has my scent on it, doesn't it? What was that saying…? Ah yes, "Never give a woman a rose for if you do, she will follow you to the end of the world."_

Now she was approaching a spot where I had spent a lot of time over the last year. A place where I was pretty sure she would go to if I led her right, because my presence must be all over it.

As she got closer, I pulled out my rifle and started inserting the darts I had prepared. After they were all loaded, I carefully shouldered the weapon and lined up the Jedi in my sights. As I did, her lightsaber ignited.

_Let's see, Jedi, if you're ready for this card._ With that thought, I fired the six darts at her.

The Jedi blocked each dart, the shells igniting as they came into contact with the blade of her lightsaber. From the shells, glowing sparks of a special metal descended towards the ground. As they touched upon the ground, there was a searing flash. The material supporting the dirt underneath the Jedi's feet was consumed in an instant, and the Jedi plummeted down into the hole that I had prepared a year earlier.

A moment later, I flipped a switch on my belt and a slab of metal shot across the opening, sealing the Jedi in.

_The key to trapping a Jedi is to use materials that are harmless, but that react in unpredictable ways when combined. _As I walked towards my latest victim, I thought about the next entry I would make in the manuscript I was preparing, _How to Catch a Jedi._ Revan had offered me a fully paid retirement at the location of my choice if I could complete the training manual.

Imagining a lifetime sampling the wares on Coruscant, I whistled as I walked towards my trap and the underground complex it was attached to.**

* * *

**

**&.**

**(Y'stal)**

As I sat in the small metal room, its wall surrounded by twenty feet of dirt and the top covered with spikes that faced downwards, I fought the urge to chuckle.

_Oh, you are a good hunter, Atton_.

I reached up with my Force, and pushed on the metal roof. As I had expected, it was well reinforced, probably able to resist being bent by all but the most powerful Jedi. Because I needed to feel in control of the situation, I bent it a little bit, just enough to reassure myself that I did have the power.

Then I waited for him to get me.

I waited a long time.

**

* * *

**

**&.**

**(Jaq)**

Normally, I would have filled that chamber with gas right away. While many Jedi can withstand the effects of gas for a long time, soon or later they would need to sleep and then the game was up. But I wanted to see what this puzzling Jedi would do, and so I waited.

The first thing she did was bend my trap door. That meant that she was stronger than any Jedi I had ever captured, and I had captured more than my share.

What she probably didn't know was that I had sensors in the door to detect just such an effort. If she had bent the door enough, a set of additional, stronger doors would be automatically activated to replace it. Extra redundancies like this were the lifesavers of an assassin such as myself.

I had expected her to do something more after bending that door, but she didn't. At first, I thought she was tired, but then she sat there for hour after hour, day after day.

Maybe she did sense the redundancies after all. Or maybe she was planning something else.

_Well, Jaq_, I told myself after two days,_ only one way to find out. _I activated the switch that flooded the chamber with gas and waited to see what would happen.

This gas was designed to turn its victim a lovely color of purple when it penetrated, and after fourteen hours my captive finally turned the right shade. I pulled out my stun blaster and, taking a deep breath, opened the door to the chamber, shooting her twice, just in case. She didn't move.

I breathed a sigh of relief then. There was something about this woman that unnerved me. I had this feeling that she was more than just another Jedi, that there was something more at stake than a simple game of assassin and prey going on here.

_Well Jaq, let's find out. If she is playing a game, I'll find out about it soon enough. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's peeling the layers off a Jedi's mind._

Picking her up, I carried her to my favorite room. As I placed her on the table where I did my best work, I wondered how long it would be before she begged me to strip her of her rotting soul.**

* * *

**

**&.**

**(Y'stal)**

I woke up on with a start, my body jerking upwards only to be pulled back by the rattle of chains on my arms. A quick jerk of my feet revealed the same restraints on my ankles, and spaced along my legs and torso as well. I was truly and ably held, the table underneath cold against my skin. I was clothed only in my undergarments.

"Welcome back," the assassin said behind me, the careless amusement in his voice poorly masking the deadly purpose underneath. Here he was, the elusive presence with whom I had played this terrible match. I had thought I was prepared for this moment, for I had planned for it carefully. But now that I was actually in it, I realized how little I had understood about how scary and uncomfortable it was going to be to place myself at his non-existent mercy. And now it was the end game, and I held few advantages.

Still, I had practiced for this moment every day since I had arrived on this planet, trying to imagine how I might make my voice warm and welcoming, to penetrate the dark shell of my captor. It was time to start with the words that I had prepared, the appeals that I had practiced over and over again in the mirror. But now that I was in the actual moment, and experiencing this helpless feeling, my words came out clipped, stark. As they always did.

"Assassin, do you want to live?"

He just looked at me, his face etched in stone, not reacting to my bold, harsh words. I had to try again.

"Look," I started, trying again to make my words warmer than they had ever been before, but then my voice caught in my throat as his finger, as sharp as a knife, slowly traced a line across my right eye.

I had never let myself be vulnerable before, and it felt like I was spinning, with no center and nowhere to rest.

"Are you threatening me, little Jedi?" His finger continued its descent, crossing my lips carelessly before moving up towards my left eye.

"No, I am here to save you." _Force, even now my voice comes out cold and distant._

"Oh really," he said, his voice uninterested as his finger traversed my left eye and began its way down the line of my jaw.

"So…" he continued, "why don't you tell me how you are going to save me? And tell me everything else I want while you're at it. It will save time and pain."

_Force help me keep my voice be strong at least, if I can't be soothing. I will suffer enough indignities in the days to come. It is too soon to lose it now. _

"I want to, but you will not believe me yet. So do what you have to do, assassin, and then we'll talk."

"That, my dear," Atton said, drawing out his words as he let his finger wander downwards, over my left breast and down the center of my stomach until he hooked it into my underwear, "will take a long time. Soon, you will beg me to have my way on you, because it will be the only way that you can make the pain stop… for a while."

As he spoke, he pulled on the waistband of my underwear, and I _willed_ myself not to move my body. In all my meditations about this moment, I had never imagined the possibility of rape. Perhaps the very idea had been too abhorrent or inconceivable, or perhaps I was just too innocent in the ways of evil. Whatever the reason, it was far past too late now. I put it from my mind with the practice of harsh discipline.

Besides, I knew my resistance would not last long, but for now, I needed this. I needed to show myself that there was some part of me that wasn't afraid.

"You will do all that anyway, no matter what I tell you now." Anger and righteousness have always been my refuge, and I clung to them now. "Get on with it!"

"I like you," was all he said.

I'm not sure how long I lasted before I started screaming, but from what little my Force was telling me at that point, it had been longer than most.**

* * *

**

**&.**

**(Jaq)**

She had fallen asleep fifteen minutes ago, after ten hours of straight "interrogation." Her body was covered in a precise pattern of dark blue blemishes, following the lessons of the techniques I had perfected on others. Little lines also crossed her breasts, the tips of her fingers, her tongue, her feet, and a few other particularly sensitive parts of her body. Each cut was an angry red, courtesy of the salt and other pain-inducing chemicals I had added after the cuts. And some wounds were not visible to the eye.

Other parts of her body were decorated with flashing sensors that allowed me to gauge the reactions to the pain I was causing, and to make sure I kept her alive.

Though she hadn't begged as I had expected to her, and though I had exhorted her to do so repeatedly, I had raped her all the same. The excitement of the game had proven too much for me and now dried blood marked the end of another virginal Jedi.

And yet, though I didn't know why, I didn't feel the same satisfaction in the torture and the rape as I had with the others.

_Are you getting soft, Jaq? _I moved around to look at the monitors placed near her head. She was still very much alive, a tribute to my skill in inflicting pain without severe damage.

I looked at the Jedi again, her now sticky, platinum hair spilling over the edges of the headrest like streams of viscous blood.

_Her name is Y'stal_._ Why is she here? She knew I was tracking her, why didn't she leave? _

Jerslo III is my home base, a remote, nearly barren planet at the edge of the Republic. There was no reason for Jedi to come here, and that is why I had located my operations here. No chance of an accidental discovery by a wandering Jedi.

When I had heard that there was a Jedi looking for me, I had been very uneasy. I hadn't really been worried about one Jedi finding me. What worried me is that she knew where I was. And so, I had spent a lot of time evading her, looking for the other Jedi whom I was sure had to be around.

_After all, if they knew about me, they had to know how hard I am to catch, right?_

I realized that my hand had started stroking her hair as I stood here thinking, and I snatched it back.

_Frack Jaq, what are you doing?_ But no matter how much I shouted at myself to stop, my hand stole out again, like a child who had been punished and was now seeking to weasel her way into her mother's arm.

_Why are you here, Jedi? What do you want from me? Sith's nuts, I hate pacifists!_

I yanked out several hairs, and tucked them into my pocket. Looking at the monitors, I saw that she had been asleep for long enough. It was time to begin the second round.**

* * *

**

**&.**

**(Three days later)**

I had broken the Jedi in the last session. She had told me everything she knew about the Jedi, about the Republic. About herself.

She wasn't just a Jedi, she was a young Master,

But that didn't matter.

Though she had held to her anger and haughty piety for a long time, by the end of the last session, I had stripped her of it all.

"Please, just make it stop, just stop it, oh Force, please, I'll do anything!"

"Beg me to fuck you. Plead with me to plant my seed in you, to give you my baby. And if you please me well enough, I might get a bit tired, and you can sleep for a few minutes. Maybe an hour."

"Yes, I'll…" but then I put my finger across her mouth, instantly silencing her words.

Oh…" I let the sentence hang, for a moment, "call me Master too."

For most women Jedi, it was the giving of their bodies that sealed the deal, but with this one, I just knew that she would only be broken when she called me "Master."

She called me Master for over an hour.

Now, as I checked the monitors, my hand once again started stroking the sleeping Jedi's hair. I had done this every time I had let her sleep, though I still couldn't figure out the reasons why. It was just something that I had to do and it hadn't interfered with my work.

Still, as I did so, I realized that there was one thing missing, one thing that I had yet to strip from her. The secret that she claimed had brought her to me in the first place. When she woke up that would be mine too.

_Still, maybe it's time for me to get out of this game,_ I thought, my eyes tracking my fingers as they stroked her hair. But I couldn't see what else I could do, a cold-blooded murderer who could only find pleasure now off the hunt and the pain of others.

I had not always been like this.**

* * *

**

**&.**

There had been a time, when I was younger, when all that I had wanted to do was become the planetary pazaak champion of Coruscant, my home planet, and enjoy the spoils, in coin and women.

I had been well on my way to the title when the Mandalorians had invaded, and I hadn't expected that the war would stop my ascent. As the war moved into high gear, I had seen more and more people join up, and I had seen so many others mourn their deaths. It had been sad, but I knew we would win in the end, because we had the Jedi, right?

Then my father had enlisted. At first, I was not worried. He was a great fighter, one who had taught me everything I needed to defend myself against cheaters and cheated husbands. We were alike in that way.

Six weeks later, I got the letter saying that he had been killed en route to the front in a space battle. I had forgotten about that possibility.

The next thing I knew, I was in a strange bunk, recovering from a hangover with some idiot shouting at me to get up. That was how I discovered that I had enlisted in the fleet.

As they put me through training, I mentally kicked myself for days. What the frack could I do, with no useful skills besides pazaak, getting into woman's panties, and fist fighting?

It had turned out that those were good skills for a spy.

So was the anger I denied in myself, the part of me that wanted to avenge my father.

At first, I had been a counter-intelligence operative, hunting out spies that the Mandalorians or others had placed in our fleet. It hadn't been an onerous job at the beginning, for the Mandalorians weren't really in to espionage, but then we started discovering the agents of another power. Or at least, so I had thought. The powers-that-be at the time hadn't seen fit to inform a lowly ferret like myself. And I did not really mind at the time; I was already beginning to be captivated by the hunt.

Then, Revan had called me into his office, just after the great victory at Malachor V. He had shown me evidence that the General Xi Lan, his former lover, had actually been a spy for the Jedi, working to undermine Revan's efforts.

"They didn't want the Republic to see how powerful the Jedi Council really are," Revan had said that day. "Think about it. If the lesser Jedi, Knights like myself and Padawans as well, could have such an impact on the war, don't you think that there would be Senators who would start worrying about the possibility that the Jedi Council could take over? And if they were worried about that, don't you think that they might have started looking at the ways that the Jedi Council was already influencing the Senate? Do you want to know what they would have found?"

As he finished talking, he turned to his desk and grabbed a datapad, which he then dropped in front of me.

I thought about looking at the datapad for a long time, because I sensed there was something more, something greater behind that question. As I stood there, still evaluating what I should do, Revan chuckled and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"You're a smart man, Jaq Rand. I need men like you, who think before they leap and who understand the hidden obligations and traps behind every move."

Picking up the datapad, he replaced it on his desk. Then he turned his viewscreen towards me.

"So here's the deal, Jaq. The Jedi need to be stopped. Now, I'm not asking you to believe me. Instead, I'm going to show you something here that only five people in the entire fleet have seen. And I think I don't have to tell you who those people are and that you're not to tell anyone else about this. Am I right, Jaq?"

Though Revan sounded at ease, friendly, I sensed that this was a mask that he was using to put me at ease. I didn't mind. It just showed how smart he was. Besides, I trusted Revan. He was the man who had saved us, and that was enough for me.

And, to be honest, I already knew I wanted to be a part of whatever he was about to offer me. I had a feeling that whatever hunting I had been doing so far, it would pale in comparison to what he was about to ask me to do.

"Yes sir."

Still, the holovideo he showed me was compelling, despite the fact that so little actually happened. I watched as Revan met three older Jedi and saw how they attacked him. I could see from the way that Revan's body collapsed that they almost won, and then all of a sudden, the three older Jedi crumpled to the ground. And then Revan was touching one of the head, and I knew that he was digging into that Jedi's mind.

At that point, Revan tapped a button on the screen and the holovideo ended. He told me then about the failsafe that the Jedi Council planted into the minds of each new Jedi, and how they had almost brought him down using that. And then he told me about how the Jedi had infiltrated every single branch of the government, all for the purpose of controlling the direction of the Republic, silently but effectively from the sidelines.

"And that would be fine, except for deaf ears they turn to the people of the Republic. Rather than using all that power to mobilize the army and navy a lot sooner, they used to push for peace and inaction. Instead of encouraging the population and the government to tackle slavery, they use it to turn our eyes to issues negotiating the inclusion of new planets every day. Instead of pushing for policies that would encourage the development of new technologies, their government uses the funds to support Czerka's colonization of planets like Kashyyyk."

He paused the, looking me straight in the eyes. "They are a much greater threat than the Mandalorians ever were, Jaq, and they need to be stopped. Are you on board?"

I was.

After that, he arranged for training for about twenty "volunteers" like myself. Our war, Revan told us, was not with the Republic. It was with the Jedi.

"And if the war against the Mandalorians had shown us anything, it is that, false modesty aside, Jedi like myself can not be beaten in a face-to-face fight by the common soldier, no matter how well trained. No, if we are going to win this war, we need two things. First, our own Jedi. I have taken steps towards that already. Second, we need to capture or kill their Jedi using the dirtiest tricks we can think of. That is where you come into play."

When he said those last words, I did not know what to feel. On the one hand, hunting Jedi seemed like suicide. On the other, the challenge that Revan was putting in front of us was more dangerous, more improbable, and more exciting than anything I had ever dreamed.

"Revan!" the woman beside me shouted, and before I could think, all of us were shouting with her, until our voices sounded like the shouts of hundreds.

After that, Revan and the Jedi who had already joined with him worked to identify and improve techniques for capturing Jedi. We discovered that gas was often an effective tool, either as a distraction or as a pacifier when the Jedi was held in one place. Other techniques quickly followed.

There were times when I felt uneasy with some of the techniques that we were developing, especially the idea of shooting the family, friends, and other innocents.

Revan always seemed to show up at those times, when our doubts started to fester, and he would remind us why these techniques were an unfortunate path to a greater good.

"The faster we can get those Jedi on our side," Revan said, "or out of commission, the sooner we can end the war. That means many less soldiers and innocents killed in battle, which means less innocents killed overall. By capturing and killing Jedi, you will be saving millions of lives."

That thought always made me feel better, more comfortable, and so I missed how the hunger of the hunt slowly worked itself into my soul, until I could only feel pleasure when I was tracking, turning, or killing Jedi.**

* * *

**

**&.**

I felt a slight tug in my hands, and I realized that the woman Jedi, Y'stal was her name, was stirring under my hands. I quickly removed my hands from her hair, but not fast enough. Her eyes darted upwards, and caught mine in her grasp.

"Atton," she said, and it was only later that I realized that this was the first time she called me by that name, "are you ready to believe what I have to tell you, yet?"

The thing about torture was that, by the end of it, the "client" as we liked to call them was willing to say or do anything to end the pain. That was why I made the Jedi beg for the thing they abhorred most of all. Once they did so, they and I both knew that I had won, that all that they were now rested in my soul-stained hands.

From there, it was a simple thing to turn them, because the anger and the helplessness of that moment was something that they would never forget.

What that also meant was that whatever the client said at the end could not be counted as reliable. And that was okay. I just wanted them to get to that point where they were willing to give it. I just wanted them to break.

So what was I to make of this last piece of information that she had refused to divulge until now? She who had given me everything else I wanted.

I knew then that I would believe her.

"Tell me."

"What I have to tell you is going to hurt you, I think, more than anything, but it's the only way I can save you. I'm sorry."

I almost restarted the torture then and there. _How could she say that, how could she want to "save" me after all that I had done to her?_ She was either crazy… or I was really not going to like what she had to tell me.

I had to know.

"Tell me," I repeated.

"I'm your sister." Her voice was warm for the first time, and I was so bewildered by that, it took a long moment for her words to sink in.

"What… no, no, what are you talking about? I have no sister!" I knew then that she was crazy. I had never had a sister.

"They sent me off, father and mother did, when you were only eight months old. I was four at the…"

"No, you're lying. I don't believe you! No, dammit! My father never mentioned you and my mother left when I was just a baby. No, it's not true," I continued, ranting, my body no longer able to keep still. I paced around her, trying to calm my thoughts.

_She has to be crazy, she has to be!_

"Look 'sister,'" I said, stopping and taking a deep breath, "there is no Force in _my_ family, and there certainly never was a sister. And my mother was a twenty-credit whore who left and good riddance."

"Your true name is Atton. It means "wisdom gained through hardship." It was given to you by your mother during your naming ceremony, and only shared with your family. Did your father ever tell anyone else your true name, Atton."

"You could have read that from his mind, from my mind, _Jedi_."

"But you know that isn't true, that you have ways of stopping me from reading your mind. There are the ways that the Sith taught you, Atton, but you have other ways that you never reveal to anyone. Because those are the disciplines that your father taught you and that is why you are so much better at it than anyone else."

She was right, I had never told anyone about the mind shielding techniques that my father had taught me, the rituals and meditations that I had learned so well as a young boy, and abandoned so thoroughly as an assassin.

"My walls aren't perfect, you still could have pulled my name from me. Besides, look at you! You're an Echani, all white and sharp like ice. I'm no Echani, sister."

"Atton, damn you!" She visibly calmed herself, dashing her hand across her face to wipe away the tears that threatened to spill. Though the tears stopped, her hand had opened up some of the scabs on her face, and so the streams of salty water were replaced by trickles of blood.

The warmth that she _willed_ back into her eyes was stark in comparison to the trails of red, and I found myself mesmerized by the contrast, unconsciously giving her time to collect herself.

Then she started moving, awkwardly, through a set of movements I knew all to well. Though she followed them as if she barely knew them, they were patterns that were engrained in my very bones, put there through the patient teachings of my father when I was young.

"These, Atton, are the Echani etiquette rituals, that I was taught when I was very young. The Jedi never let me continue them, but I know our father taught them to you."

"My father could have learned them anywhere!"

"The Echani only teach these to their young and to their lovers, if they are not Echani."

_My father forbid me from teaching them to other_, I remembered

She continued, her words gaining strength as she continued. "Atton, you're a smart man, so tell me this. What have I to gain from trying to trick you? Now, after all of…" I saw here struggle to find a word to describe all that I had done to her, but then she just helplessly gestured at the devices just out of reach.

She was right, I couldn't think of a thing I could give her. I was very effective at what I did, but there was nothing that I could give the Jedi except my death.

The Jedi were already adapting to our techniques, so learning them from me wasn't going to help, not very much at least. And there was no way that they could use me to get to Revan. Once we had gone undercover, there was no way to go back. We knew that. Those that did disappeared.

I had one more card to play.

"Look at us. You're all white and blue-eyed, I'm more tan and brown. There's no way we're related."

"I honor the face of our mother, Atton," she said, her voice cold and formal, "You honor the face of our father."

I could just hear my father as she said those words. His eyes warm and wistful, his hands on either side of my face, he would say it often after we trained. "You honor the face of your father, son."

She was telling the truth.

And that meant that I had just tortured, brutalized, and raped my own sister. I had stripped her soul away, made her beg me to fuck her just to make the pain stop. Made her call me "Master" as I did it.

"No! No, frack you, no, no, no…. NO!" I couldn't stand, I wanted to explode, to take all the anguish I felt and expel it from my body in one never-ending scream but there was nothing inside of me, I was getting emptier by the moment and then there was nothing left but the horror of who I was and all that I had done.

And then the tears came and they burned through my eyes like acid and all I could think of is that I hoped they would burn away my body and soul until there was nothing left of me.

I felt her hand on me then, patting me awkwardly with her hands, leaving little blots of blood and guilt on my shirt and jacket, and I tried to crawl away, to get away from this horrifying compassion that she showed to me. She never let go and suddenly I was crying "no, no, no" into her bare, bruised shoulder as she stroked my hair and whispered into my ear.

"It's okay Atton, the nightmares will go away. It's okay, Atton, the nightmares will…"**

* * *

**

**&.**

When I woke up, I thought I was back in the brothel, with Cheryl my latest favorite. She always likes to wrap her arms around me, and we always sleep naked together.

But I was clothed, and it certainly wasn't a bed I was sleeping in. My eyes shot open.

_My sister_. _Y'stal, my sister_. A Jedi who has sacrificed everything to find me, to tell me… _To tell me what?_ _What does she hope to gain from this?_

My emotions were numb, and I felt unburdened for, I realized, the first time in a long time. I felt…light.

My hand once again started stroking her hair, and I realized that I had been stroking it all this time in the same way that she had stroked mine earlier. Grabbing a small handful, I pulled it gently, sliding my hand from the root to the tip. Then a new handful, and repeat.

She was my sister.

I had _turned_ my sister.

Suddenly I was standing and the rage, the mind-clearing, welcome rage flooded into me.

"Why?" I demanded, and her eyes flickered open, and then squinted in the light. She made no move to cover her grubby, bloodstained nakedness, and with a grunt of disgust, I went to a nearby locker and pulled out a blanket, which I flipped at her.

"Why?" I demanded again, after she had draped the blanket over herself, and then carefully leaned back into the earthen wall.

"You're my brother." The warmth that she had found earlier was still there, but the cold, clipped side she had shown me before was back too.

"I'm a murderer, an assassin, a torturer extraordinaire. Why?" I said, no longer able to keep the pleading from my voice. "Why, tell me why… oh Force, tell me why didn't you tell me earlier! Why didn't you tell me that you were my sister before…" I waved my arm towards the table, tools, and monitors, "before all this? Why did you let me do this?" I shouted. "What kind of crazed idiot are you to let me do this to _my sister_!"

"Because you wouldn't have believed me."

She was right, I would never have believed her. I stood there, with my mouth open, but the truth shattered all thought. I wouldn't have believed her. This was the only way that she could have made me believe. And that was _unbearable_.

"And, I never planned for..." she continued, and I could see her struggle for the words she needed, "the sex thing."

I wanted to kill her. _Damned innocent!_

"But why did you come for me? Why not leave me alone? Why didn't you kill me?"

"I couldn't leave you alone, you're my family! And…" her eyes turned distant, and the tears that she had denied for so long now suddenly gushed out of her. "I let her go, Atton. My one friend, the one I loved, and I let her go to that war and I let others harm her." I could tell she had forgotten me for a moment, but now her eyes returned to me, and they were fierce. "I let them harm you."

"I can't believe in this part of the Jedi Code anymore, Atton. The part that says we can't love. That we can't love our family, our friends. We can't love anyone. I can't trust in that after all that has happened. Not after the Mandalorian Wars. Not after this war. Not when I discovered what had happened to you. To her."

_Who is she talking about? _Maybe I should have asked, but I couldn't bear the thought of opening more wounds. I needed something more mundane, safe.

"You fought in the Mandalorian war?"

"No, but I should have."

"You would have become a dark Jedi like the others," I shrugged.

"Look Atton," she continued, raising her hand to stop my questions, "all that doesn't matter. I'm here to save you, Atton. To save my brother."

"How can you say that after all that I've done to you!"

"How can I not try to save you after all that you've done to me? I know who you are Atton. I held you in my arms when you had just come out, and I sang to you every afternoon until you fell asleep. That is who you are to me."

"That baby doesn't exist anymore, you stupid cannock!"

"Then why am I still alive and why did you stroke my hair every time I went to sleep? That was the only reason I was able to wait before telling you this. Because it kept reminding me of why I had sought you, and what I had to do."

She paused for moment, her eyes losing their focus. "It was something I used to do to you too, you know. Every day before the Jedi took me, I used to do that you while I sang to you. That was the thing I did for you. No one else. That was me and you still remember it, Atton, and that's why I can save you."

"I'm not worth it, you…"

"You are to me."

"But you don't even know me!"

"The Force, Atton, I can feel you right now through the Force. And it tells me that I was right to come here. I was right to save you."

"Frack the Force!" I screamed, drawing my blaster and aiming it at her. She just sat there, looking at me with those bloodshot eyes that told me she loved me. I wanted to shoot her, but I couldn't and so I turned the blaster on myself.

Before I could pull the trigger, she knocked it out of my hand with the Force.

"Atton, there is another reason," she said, her words spilling out quickly as she restrained me with her Force from going after the blaster. "I need you to live, to save another Jedi. I need you to atone for what you have done. I…" Now her eyes begged me to listen. "I need you to atone for what I have done too."**

* * *

**

**&.**

**(Y'stal)**

I don't know where this idea came from, for I had not planned it, but I was willing to follow it. Anything to keep him alive.

And, Force help me, now that I said them, I found myself hoping. Maybe he could save her. If anyone could find her, it would be him.

But most of all, I just wanted him to live, and I would say or do anything to keep him from killing himself.

He was my brother and, right now and right here, that meant everything. I couldn't help loving him. If I stopped, I would go insane from what I had endured.

I kept talking to him, my mind taking over as it always did to build a story he would believe. I told him that there was another Jedi out there. She was in trouble, broken inside, and she needed someone to find her and help keep her safe. If he could do that, I told him, then maybe he could redeem himself.

I could see the words were taking effect. He no longer struggled against me, and although his face still was cracked with deep lines of anguish, I could see the seeds of purpose blossoming there too.

And though I rejoiced in my success, I felt the seeds of my old bitter self sprout too. Once again, my love was not enough. Not enough for her to stay, to choose me over war and those two who would become Sith. Not enough for my brother to save himself. He needed her to do that. _Why does she get everything?_

But I pushed these thoughts down, as I always could, to complete the task before me.

I ended by telling him that the Force ran strongly in him too, like it did in me, and that one day maybe he would use it too, to help the other. When he didn't believe me, I showed him the Force in his head.

Atton stood there for a long time, far from me, his eyes focused upwards and his body stiff as he absorbed the words I had told him.

I wasn't sure that everything I had done, my words or my demonstration of the Force, was enough. Every time he looked at me, I could see the self-hatred flood back into his eyes, and I could feel his body start to lean towards the blaster again. I needed to do something more.

"Atton, there is one more thing you must do. You…" I couldn't bear the thought of losing him again, just when I had found him, but I knew this was the only way. I would be alone again, but I needed to know that he lived. I needed to know that I had done at least one thing right, for love.

"You have to forget me, Atton. You have to think that you tortured a Jedi here today, not a sister. You have to forget me, brother. You can't let what you have done here today stop you from achieving this purpose. It's too important."

"No," he whispered, but I saw the flare of relief in his eyes.

"You have to, for me and for the other. If you remember me, and the Sith read that from your mind, they will find me Atton. Do you want that?"

He shook his head.

"And if you remember me, you will be too burdened to help the other Jedi. I need you to be strong for the other, Atton. Do this for me."

"Can I remember anything about you?" For a brief moment, I saw the innocent, young boy he must have been before all this. The boy I would have grown up with if I hadn't been taken away. I wanted to get up and brush the hair from his eyes, and hold him close, but my body shuddered at the idea of touching him. Of touching anyone ever again.

"You'll always remember my hands in your hair, Atton. That's embedded in your body. But that's all."

"Tell me about you, please. I want to know. Tell me about your childhood. Tell me… Oh frack, just tell me anything! Before you make me forget, I want to... I want to know my sister, if only for a moment."

So I did. I told him of my years at the Academy, how I had become an historian and how much I enjoyed the books and the stories of times gone by. I told him about how bad I had been fighting with the lightsaber, and made him laugh with my account of how another Jedi had helped me improve.

He shook his head when I recounted how I had obeyed the demand of the Council to stay when the war had started, even as those my age and younger had flooded to Revan's call. And of how I had regretted that decision since. He smiled with me as I told him about the lazy afternoons I had spent at a wonderful pond near the school with another Jedi -- the one who had showed it to me. I told him that I had loved this other Jedi, but that I had never told her because she had been in love with two others.

And finally, I told him my true name.

After that, he fell asleep again and, though my body screamed the whole time, I played with his hair and sang children's songs to him. It would be the last time I would touch or care for anyone.

_Never again_, I promised myself.

The Jedi had been wrong about love, but it was too late for me now. I had already lost everything I treasured and the only thing left for me was to change the Code, to find in the histories the wisdom that we must have forgotten. Whatever it took, I was going to change this rule. I was going to change the Jedi.

I modified his memories then, as he slept, so that he remembered another Jedi, with another face, with warm eyes and brown hair, who had come to save him so that he could help another. A Jedi whom he had killed.

And then I, Atris Y'stal Rand, Master Historian of the Jedi, left.

I never told him the other thing that he should have known. Maybe he knew already.

He had turned me, and as I left him behind, left the planet, the anger and hurt that I had so long held at bay marched into my heart like a triumphant army, claiming it. My anger would protect me. It was much easier to be angry.**

* * *

**

**&.**

**Author's notes, datapad 100-5/A-X. Time period unknown, discovered twenty years after the fall of Kreia**

If you are reading this, then I am dead and what I set in motion has come to pass. Galactic norms of politeness would dictate that I ask you to forgive my brother and I. Do so if you wish, but don't expect me to ask for it.

There may be few who will believe I walked this path. I do not need your belief either, though truly I find it hard to believe myself.

Part of me tells me that I should write here something like the following: I did it because I let all those Jedi go to war. I let them struggle unsupported, saving the innocent while I stayed safe at the Academy, the ever obedient servant of the Jedi Council. Even my love for another, unrequited as it was, was sacrificed for duty. I saved Atton to atone for all that.

But that is only part of the truth. The other reason is much more selfish.

I am a historian. I have bathed in the uplifting exploits and horrifying sufferings of the great heroes and villains of this universe. I love those tales, but I had always lived a safe and tailored life apart from my more daring counterparts. For most of my life, I was content in my quiet role as the collector and archiver of other people's adventures.

Then, one day, I had a vision of my brother and of his corruption. For a little while, I was angry with him for being so stupid as to serve Revan, but then I came to realize something else. Saving my brother was a quest that only I could complete.

And when I understood that, I discovered that I wanted to do it. I wanted to be someone's hero, just once, and perform an act that others would talk about beyond the day I died.

I wanted to really live. So I did.

Even though that brief adventure was truly terrible, even though I fell because of it, I would not change a thing. For one brief moment, I was the savior for not just one but the two people I loved. For one moment, I shined and that mattered to me even though my brother forgot it and Xi Lan would never know.

It was cold comfort for one who returned to her books and holocrons, and to her angry isolation in the lonely confines of the old academy on Telos. But it was comfort nonetheless.**

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**

**A/N**

**First**: many hugs and thanks to Trillian for the beta-read and Vaguely Familiar and Alexandra 3 for their feedback on the draft. They were honest about what they felt were its shortcomings and strengths, and that's the most helpful thing of all.

**Second**: perhaps some of you don't like the twist I've put here. Please feel free to express your opinion to my email: bald(dot)as(dot)malak(at)gmail(dot)com or by review. I did think a lot about it, and I believe what I have done here is plausible (for example, Atton sure knew a lot about Echani stuff), but that's my opinion and I would love to hear yours if you choose to share it.

**Third, but not least**: Thanks for all the reviews I have received so far. I continue trying to respond to each of you personally, but if I haven't, it's because I'm a busy, ADD, space cadet.

BaM


	14. Chapter 14: Peragus

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption, Part II**

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A/N: text within (-text-) brackets and dashes is occurring in another language. This was the only way I could find to make it clear given the limitations (-grrr-) of this site regarding allowable input characters.

&.

* * *

**Diclaimers**: Blah, blah, blah… Lucas owns everything except an ability to write dialogue.

**Thanks to all reviewers!** See below

_**

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Thanks to Trillian for the beta**_. It's an amazing treat to have someone give some of their time solely to help me improve my writing.

* * *

**A/N**: I made a few small, but hopefully clarifying changes to the last chapter that some of you may not have seen. I include the most important changes here as a short excerpt for those who may have read the chapter when it first came out. 

**.snip.**

**(Atton)**

"Frack the Force!" I screamed, drawing my blaster and aiming it at her. She just sat there, looking at me with those bloodshot eyes that told me she loved me. I wanted to shoot her, but I couldn't and so I turned the blaster on myself.

Before I could pull the trigger, she knocked it out of my hand with the Force.

"Atton, there is another reason," she said, her words spilling out quickly as she restrained me with her Force from going after the blaster. "I need you to live, to save another Jedi. I need you to atone for what you have done. I…" Now her eyes begged me to listen. "I need you to atone for what I have done too."**

* * *

**

**&.**

**(Y'stal)**

I don't know where this idea came from, for I had not planned it, but I was willing to follow it. Anything to keep him alive.

And, Force help me, now that I said them, I found myself hoping. Maybe he could save her. If anyone could find her, it would be him.

But most of all, I just wanted him to live, and I would say or do anything to keep him from killing himself.

He was my brother and, right now and right here, that meant everything. I couldn't help loving him. If I stopped, I would go insane from what I had endured.

I kept talking to him, my mind taking over as it always did to build a story he would believe. I told him that there was another Jedi out there. She was in trouble, broken inside, and she needed someone to find her and help keep her safe. If he could do that, I told him, then maybe he could redeem himself.

I could see the words were taking effect. He no longer struggled against me, and although his face still was cracked with deep lines of anguish, I could see the seeds of purpose blossoming there too.

And though I rejoiced in my success, I felt the seeds of my old bitter self sprout too. Once again, my love was not enough. Not enough for her to stay, to choose me over war and those two who would become Sith. Not enough for my brother to save himself. He needed herto do that. _Why does she get everything?_

But I pushed these thoughts down, as I always could, to complete the task before me.

**.snip. **

* * *

**Chapter 13: Peragus**

&.

**Malachor V (Kreia). Two months earlier.**

I wandered the caves, hiding from those who had taken my power. There was no way off the planet for one with no command of the Force, and I imagined that they laughed at me as I ate cold insects in the dark, damp corridors that littered the hills around the Academy

_Why do I cling to life? There is no way out for me, with all my plans destroyed by two fools with more power than sense._

I thought about ending my tormented life, about stopping and letting the cold consume me, but every time I paused, I felt driven to continue, to not give up. This compulsive drive to survive was an unnerving feeling for one who was used to controlling her destiny.

_The world will fear me again!_ I vowed for the hundredth time, and then, as it always did, a dark despondency crashed down on me. _What can I do know without vision or power?_ As I continued walking, my bitter laughter echoed back to me a thousand times.

And then it happened, that event to which the Force had been driven me. A flash out of the corner of my eye caught my attention and I walked towards it to see what I would find.

It was some kind of trinket and I almost left it there, for I could not imagine what value it could have for me. Instinct, however, guided my hand past rational foolishness. As I touched the earring, I felt the most surprising sensation.

I could feel the Force again.

Though the contact to the Force was weak and hard to control, I cried as I used it to lift up a small stone a meter away. It was the first time I had allowed myself to feel anything since the time the Council had sent me away from Coruscant to "protect" Vrook.

_What is this thing?_ With my newfound access to the Force, my vision was once again capable of picking out finer details. Looking at the marvelous trinket I had found, I could see that it was an earring, a dagger with red stones marking a trail of blood from tip to hilt. As I rolled it between my cold, aching, dirty fingers, I searched my mind for insights into how this piece could be helping me.

I had heard of places where one could feel the Force more strongly, where people with little talent found themselves able to use the Force with ease. Malachor was such a place, though one paid a price for its power.

I had never heard of such a thing as this—an artifact that could help even the those without access to the Force use it, even if only weakly.

I continued to study the piece, trying to determine from its markings what its origins might be. _Perhaps it is a long lost art of the Sith_, I thought, _but I don't recognize the style._

And then I realized that I had seen the piece before. The cold and the roiling of my stomach forgotten, I delved into the whispering corners of my mind, leafing through images of events gone by until I remembered.

_Of course, such a simple answer. Truly I am blind!_

It had been in this corridor that the infuriating Mandalorian Toxel bested me, blowing himself up rather than share his secrets. And this jewelry had pierced his ear then, glinting in the corner of my eye as I had run from his ticking corpse.

_But why would a Mandalorian wear an earring? It seems a frivolous thing for a warrior to wear. I most certainly have not seen any on the Mandalorians before. _I buried myself in my mind, recalling the texts that I had read many years before about the Mandalorian culture. When I emerged from that exploration of my memories, I was convinced that this earring was an anomaly.

_Which brings me back to my original question, why would Toxel, unlike all other Mandalorians, wear an earring? What distinguished him from the other thugs of his race. _Again, I leafed through my memories of my encounter with him, turning over images one by one until I came across a memory I had stolen from him, of a young, broken Jedi adorned by multiple pieces of jewelry.

_So she must have made it for him? A lover's gift perhaps? She was innocent enough to get into a relationship with a former enemy._

I had never found out why Xi Lan was so important to the Mandalorians, but as I considered what I had deduced, the implications quickly became apparent to me and my body shook, the ache of hunger overwhelmed by the craving I felt. I had to have her, her jewelry, something… I longed to have this "Exile" in my power.

_What if she could make jewelry like this, turning all who wore it into Force users? _ I found my heart quickening as I imagined the possibilities. _Could such pieces help those who already wield the Force? If so, what would be the limits of our power? _

_Not now Kreia,_ I reprimanded myself, pulling my thoughts back to the matter at hand. _First, find a way off this festering pit of a planet. Second, find the little Jedi and then figure what she can do, how she does it, and what all this means. And then…_

As I made my way to the secret docking area of the Academy, I mulled over possible plans. Whatever it took, I would show those two gloating fools in the Academy how the game was played.

&.

* * *

**An unknown location (Two weeks after Toxel disappeared)**

"Why did you take her son?" The other said, his eyes following the movements of the young boy playing with the set of toy soldiers in the corner.

"Seeing him there, how can you ask that question?" The keeper of the boy said, her voice muffled by the hood around her face.

The other, his face carved with deep lines that spoke of long struggle and enduring doubts, continued to regard the boy, around whom several of the soldiers were floating. "You are already training him?" he asked.

"Yes, but that is why I called you here," the woman said. "I know that you have left the Order, and I know why. I offer you this place as a refuge. I hope that you will help me raise this boy to his full potential."

"And does he remember his mother?"

"I've suppressed his memories."

"It won't last forever. He's too strong."

"Let me worry about that," she snapped back. When the other didn't respond, she sighed, and then continued more softly. "By then, he will not care. Forgetting our parents is something we Force users are good at, light and dark."

The man nodded, never taking his gaze off the boy. The woman waited for his response, but soon ran out of patience.

"So, will you train him?" she asked.

The other turned his gaze to the woman, his eyes holding hers for a long time. When he spoke, she almost jumped.

"I would take the boy from you, and bring him back to his mother, but I lack the power to take him from you. Know that if ever there comes a time when that is no longer true, I will be back." The man's hand strayed to his lightsaber. "Will you kill me now?"

"That is not my way."

"That is what I would have said about you and this crime you have committed, and yet here we are."

"It was necessary, he…"

The other raised his hand, and the woman fell silent.

"There is nothing good that can come from this, no matter what reasons you invoke. I am your friend, but listen to me when I tell you this. He is not yours to take or keep."

The woman said nothing as the man walked off.

* * *

&. 

**On a space station, above Mindo III (Xi Lan)**

"Where can I get passage to the Republic?"

The woman looked at me for a moment, trying, I think, to figure out what to make of me. I had run to the Station Master's office as soon as my ship had docked. I knew I should have walked, that the chances of missing a ship that was leaving right now for the Republic were slim, but I couldn't control myself. I was driven by something I didn't understand, but that compulsion was no less powerful for that ignorance.

"There are no transport ships for at least two weeks," the woman opposite me said. She was the person who kept track of the comings and goings of ships from the Mindo III space station.

Continuing on when it became apparent that I wasn't leaving, the woman spoke slowly to me, her eyes asking me to restrain myself from any wild actions. "The only other ship at the station right now is the Republic cruiser, the _Harbinger_ and they are not about to take on unofficial passengers. Can I suggest that you find a room at the Elixir? It's the cantina just down the hall on the left."

"Where is the _Harbinger_ docked?"

"They won't let you enter, it's a military ship," she said, backing a step away from the counter. I looked down, following her nervous glance, and realized that my white-knuckled hands were digging into her table.

"I'm sorry," I said, slowly unclenching my hands and bringing them to the side of my body. "It's very urgent."

"Look, I wish I could help you, but there's nothing I can do. You can try if you want to. The officers normally stay at the Elixir. Maybe you could…" and then her face blushed as she looked me down and up, "you know… if you're desperate."

I was desperate, but no one was ever going to take from me again.

Without a word, I picked up my bags and headed towards the _Elixir_.

&.

* * *

**(Xi Lan) The next day.**

As I sat at my table eating breakfast, a dark woman approached my table, dressed in the official uniform of a Republic officer. Her insignia indicated that she was a medic. As she neared, I could see her eyes dart from side to side. It was a look I was familiar with, and I gestured for her to sit as I bent over to pull up my jewelry bag.

"Which one?" I asked her, opening up the box I had bought to store the jewelry I made. As I brought out the different trays from within the box, her eyes scanned my wares until she saw a small, gold armband.

"That one," she said softly, one hand holding out a credit datacard while the other reached for the armband.

Though I hated doing it, I put my hand over the piece. "Not for credits."

She paused, puzzlement momentarily overshadowing her desperation.

"I want passage," I said, "to a place where I can find a Republic network terminal and transports to other planets."

"I'm not the Captain. I can't just bring you on to the ship."

"I'm sorry, but I have no choice. Find a way."

"Please…"

"No." With that, I placed the trays, one by one, back into my box, ignoring the horrified look on her face all the while.

"I'll make it happen," she said as I locked the box, "but please don't sell that piece."

"I won't make any promises." As she got up, I deliberately started eating my breakfast.

"I'll be back soon," she said as she left.

I knew I wouldn't sell it, but for once, I was willing to play the game as others had played it against me.

&.

* * *

The next day, I boarded the ship and gave the woman her armband. 

"How did you do it?" I asked, my burden lighter for a moment as I basked in the warmth that flowed to me when she put the armband on.

"I'm not the only one on this ship who needs one of your pieces, you know." She paused then, as a smile slowly raised the corners of her lips and eyes. After enjoying my impatience for a moment, probably in revenge for my ploy to get on the ship, she continued. "I told them that you were a psychiatrist specializing in post-war trauma stress disorder."

We laughed.

&.

* * *

**Slix system, Outer Rim. (Kreia)**

I ate at a meal at a restaurant, just besides the spaceport on Slix VII. The system was one that had formerly belonged to the Republic, but which had slipped from its grasp after the Mandalorian wars. What was the point of remaining, the new rulers of the planet had said, when we receive no protection and still must pay the taxes for rebuilding the fleet?

_Of course, _I chuckled to myself, _in my former role as Sith Lord, I may have had something to do with that_. Still, those days were gone now and, as I sipped on Slixian green wine, I pondered my next move.

With the earring in my hand it had been easy to track the Exile so far. Though the galaxy was large, like an ancient compass, the earring pulled me towards her, suggesting not only directions but means of transport as well.

The piece now rested in a small pocket of my robes, where I normally carried it. I only touched it when needed, because each time the piece contacted my flesh, I felt the ghost of another begin to approach the edges of my consciousness. Without reliable defenses against intrusion, I was not willing to risk letting that presence have access to my mind.

So far, I had made my way from planet to planet using the small flow of Force the earring granted me to persuade dimwitted captains to take me where I needed to go. This had proven frustratingly inefficient, however. Though I had been able to persuade the captains to take me on their ships, I did not have the power necessary to "convince" them to follow my lead in choosing destinations.

I needed my own ship.

I shouldn't have been I surprised when one was provided to me.

I felt a tug on my sleeve and looked quickly to my left, ready to send the slug-like Slixian waitress away, but there was no one there. That is, no organic sentient. Instead, another tug alerted me to the short droid resting below my field ofvision, whose utility arm now grasped my robes.

"Be off, droid," I told him, "I do not need any services."

The droid kept tugging at me, beeping all the time. I ignored it for as long as I could. I did not understand its language, and I do not have time for droids.

To my surprise, the droid continued seeking my attention for more than ten minutes. Droids normally followed the commands of humans and the tenacity of this one finally awoke my curiosity. I got up to follow it and it led me to the _Ebon Hawk_, which I knew was Revan's ship—at least the Revan that had awoken from the Jedi's trap and slain his former apprentice and blood brother.

Though I would never admit it to a soul, I was scared when I entered the ship. Even when he was my pupil, the depth and scope of Revan's power had scared me. The other Masters had been blind to the full extent of it, and even Revan too I think. But since the first days I had started training him as my Padawan, I had known that the galaxy's people would bend their knees at his feet, or die there.

So, when I discovered that he was not there on the ship, was my sigh one of relief, or of regret? Though I feared him, Revan was also an old friend too, one who loved history and the depths of plotting like I did.

_Would he have recognized me, I wonder_ed_, or would he have attacked me, his new self only seeing the vestiges of darkness that still cling to me?_

The droid beeped, waking me from my musings, and then led me to the control room of the ship. There, he plugged himself into the ship's computer, and script wrote itself on the screen. /Revan has sent me, Kreia. Revan asks you to help me find Xi Lan, whom the Jedi now call the Exile. He asks that you protect her and help her find her way to Revan when he next contacts you. He will need her help, and yours. Will you do this:

"Oh yes, droid," I said, willing myself not to laugh. I was afraid that if I started, I would not stop. "I will help you find the Exile, and protect her until she gets to Revan. Where is you master now?"

/I can not give you that information:

"Why not?"

/I can not give you that information:

"Has the information been wiped from your mind, droid, or are you refusing to divulge it?"

/I can not give you that information:

"Force save me from the obtuse and inaccessible minds of droids. Prepare this ship for departure then, droid, and take us into orbit. I will tell you our direction at that point."

As the droid prepared the ship, I chose the room where I would stay. Making sure that the droid was not near, I took out the earring and contemplated it. I felt a slight warmth in it, a bit more than before, and I knew that it was still driving me towards Xi Lan. What its purpose was, I did not know, but for now it was parallel to my own and that was enough.

Then I tucked away the earring away and placed my few belongings into one of the drawers. When the engines of the ship sprang to life, I made my way to the cockpit.

_Soon_, I thought, _this girl will give me the power I need, or I will find a way to take it from her._

&.

* * *

**(Revan)**

As I watched T3-M4 lead Kreia on to the ship, I searched inside myself, trying to discover any feelings I might have for my former master and ally. But though I had many memories from the time before my reincarnation as Stanti, most belonged to Malak, and so were colored by his emotions and thoughts, not mine.

Still, from what I knew, Kreia was the best person to protect Xi Lan while I followed another quest.

I had realized during my search for Xi Lan that seeing her now would accomplish nothing. Though I had considered the problem for endless days, I was no closer to a solution for how I might heal the wound within her. I needed to find more information, to seek out the hidden libraries of the Sith and Jedi to uncover what they knew of healing such a thing.

Once I had realized this need, I had opened myself to the Force, letting it guide T3 and myself towards one who might protect Xi Lan during my absence. The Force had led me here to Slix VII, where I had discovered Kreia's sorry state and the answer to my problem.

After carefully working with T3 to program him for the task, I had hidden myself behind some crates, my stealth generator on. I had trained in its use for the past two years, thinking that one day I might have to observe Xi Lan unseen. I had not anticipated using it against the friend and ally from my past.

After Kreia entered the ship, I continued to watch as T3 prepared the ship for departure. Once they left, I thought, I would find another means of transportation. However, at the last moment, I found myself walking up the ramp, still shielded by the stealth generator. Not knowing what instinct guided my steps, I hid myself in one of the secret compartments.

As the ship left the planet, and then entered hyperspace, I searchedinside myself for the reason why I had changed my plan. I decided after a while that the reason was simple curiosity. A part of me wanted to see Xi Lan, my former self's lover, before I left again for regions unknown. I would be careful to not let her see me, but I think I needed to touch this part of my past, to see if the encounter would wake some part of who I had been. Malak's memories gave me knowledge of the events before, but not the other content--the thinking behind actions and the emotions I had once felt.

Over the next few days, I kept myself hidden from T3 and Kreia as they moved from system to system.

&.

* * *

Two days later, the ship paused in its journey, orbiting a small, uninhabited planet. I sensed Kreia use the Force for a moment and felt her satisfaction at whatever results she had achieved. We must be getting closer, I thought, but then I sensed a dark presence quickly approaching the ship. Casting my mind towards it, I felt a fountain of pain and hatred and heard a voice instruct crew of the small Sith destroyer to target the _Ebon Hawk_. 

As T3 ignited the engines and began dodging the hail of turbolaser fire, I moved my mind sideways, slipping into the mind of the soldier operating the targeting computer. _Overload the computer_, I ordered him, and he did so to spectacular results.

As the Sith Lord crushed the windpipe of the one I had influenced, I used the distraction to refocus my attention on the Sith soldier manning the communications cluster. A minute later, a distress call went out unnoticed by all on the destroyer.

With all that done, and the _Ebon Hawk_ out of danger of the moment, I turned my attention back to the dark Force presence on the Sith ship. It was, I realized quickly, a Sith Lord, one who was unfamiliar to me. This Sith Lord, like myself, had been trained by Kreia, I discovered, though her teachings to him were much darker than the ones I had endured. His name, the true one beyond the title of Darth Sion that Kreia had given him, was simply Pain.

I wormed my way deeper into the Sith Lord's mind, masking myself in the memories of pain from the time Bastila had carved her love into me with her lightsaber.

He was powerful, and although he was not a subtle Force wielder, his mind was difficult to manipulate nonetheless. Moving through it was like navigating through stormy seas with an ancient sailboat. Waves of anger, frustration, and hatred tossed me back and forth, and made it difficult to see where the center of his thinking lay. Even more difficult was making sure that he did not detect my intrusion.

Still, before they were able to get the ship's targeting computer fixed, I was able to plant a suggestion into his mind. _Don't shoot down your Master from afar like the coward Malak did. Catch her and then kill her with your lightsaber like a true Sith._

And then I was expelled from his mind by the rage that erupted in him as my words took hold. They had enraged the Sith Lord beyond my wildest dreams. Once he had killed a few soldiers to calm himself down, he ordered his ship to capture the _Ebon Hawk_.

Two hours later, the _Harbinger_ showed up to join the chase.

&.

* * *

**(Xi Lan) **

"Polite request: Excuse me, female organic, but the captain is ordering all crew to take a broad-based inoculation. He is concerned about possible diseases that may be on the freighter that we have just been pulled into the docking bay. Please report to the medical bay immediately."

The protocol droid's request seemed like a reasonable precaution, so I followed the droid to the medical bay.

"Instructions: The doctor is not here for the moment, but she has given instructions for the treatment to the medical droid. Please allow it to give you the injection."

I did so, and was completely unprepared when my vision exploded into fragments of light and my body collapsed to the floor.

&.

* * *

**(Revan)**

I had to say one thing about Sion. He was craftier than I knew. I watched with dismay as the remaining crew of twenty armed themselves with weapons and dark armor. As the Sith Lord put himself into a death-like trance, the assassins activated their stealth generators and disposed of the corpses that littered the bridge. By the time that the _Harbinger's_ crew arrived, there was no sign of life on the ship except the Sith Lord's apparent corpse. The Republic crew had no idea what they brought on board with their shuttle.

As we flew back to the _Harbinger_, turbolaser fire destroyed the Sith ship.

I thought about warning the Republic crew, but I hesitated when I felt Xi Lan's presence on the ship. Her wound was impossible to miss, the emptiness inside her a voracious maw consuming life—joy, pain, sadness, anger, … everything. Feeling in person for the first time what was inside of her, I knew that, before I took action, I needed to ensure that she was safe. I couldn't risk alerting Sion and his followers to my presence, or hers. Not until I was sure Xi Lan was off the ship. Because I didn't know what would happen to the wound if she died.

I searched the ship as Kreia tried to answer the barrage of questions posed to her by the Republic officers. Xi Lan was unconscious, I discovered, and in a cargo compartment, which was odd. Probing deeper, I discovered that she had been drugged. Sensing that there was little time before Sion and his crew took overt action, I began to plant suggestions hurriedly in the minds of various people, Sith and Republic.

Into Kreia's mind, I planted the map of Xi Lan's location, and an urgency to rescue her as soon as possible. Though I was tempted to drag Xi Lan off myself, I wasn't sure how the wound in her would respond to the touch of her betrayer.

Unknowingly following my bidding, the captain ordered the officers to end their questioning and put Kreia into a room near where Xi Lan was located. The Sith assassins began to believe that the Republic crew would be tougher to fight than they had originally thought. Instead of implementing the full-blown assault they had planned, they began a much slower, more careful campaign of stealthed assassination.

As for Sion, I dared not interfere with his mind again. Instead, I darted around the edges of it, leaving little hints that there was another power on the ship, of uncertain strength and allegiance. It was just enough to make him pause in his plans.

As I did all this, Kreia snuck into the cargo compartment and grabbed Xi Lan, carrying her to the docking bay on a sled with boxes on it and a sheet covering everything. I joined her on her route, shadowing her through the corridors and using my power to turn away the attention of the few Sith who crossed our path. Once Kreia had Xi Lan on board the _Ebon Hawk_, I flicked the mind of a Republic ensign and the docking bay doors opened, releasing the _Ebon Hawk_.

Turbolasers almost destroyed the Ebon Hawk before I could intervene. Though I hated repeating a tactic, I influenced a Republic ensign to overload the Harbinger's targeting computer, just as I had done before on the Sith destroyer.

As he harangued the ensign, I searched the captain's mind carefully to discover why he had given the order to fire. As I had expected, I found a compulsion placed on him by Darth Sion. And then I felt Sion's mind questing for my own, seeking me through the captain's mind.

As I evaded Sion's enraged search for me, the _Harbinger_ began to turn itself to pursue the _Ebon Hawk_, but then the engines mysteriously failed. Realizing that this was my chance, I made my way to the docking bay as quickly as I could, continuing to mask my mind from Sion's probes. Before he could discover me, I was in the Republic shuttle and moving away from the stranded ship.

I cast my senses towards the _Ebon Hawk_, and sensed that T3 was already making the necessary repairs needed to get the ship moving soon. I thought about joining them, but my intuition told me that Xi Lan and my paths still diverged. _They are safe, for now_, I thought, _and should be able to find a hiding spot before the Harbinger recovers itself_.

Still, Xi Lan's future was very difficult to see. The dark side of the Force cast a lengthy shadow over it, and I was not sure if she would have the strength to survive, even with Kreia's help.

&.

* * *

**(Atton)**

How does one find a lone Jedi in the middle of the galaxy? Apparently, the answer was "easily."

After I had killed Y'stal, the Jedi who saved me, I had left Jerslo III, moving from cantina to cantina, pazaak den to pazaak den, planet to planet. I had buried myself into the game, into every drink I could find, and into every Twi'lek wench I could charm. I knew that I was supposed to find this other female Jedi, but I couldn't make myself search for her at first. It was only later that I understood that I had needed the time to find some part of myself first, or at least the self that had existed before all this darkness and light had shuffled my cards.

Then one day, without consciously planning to, I hacked into a Republic security terminal, seeking possible clues as to where the former General Xi Lan might be. I hadn't really expected to find anything, but there she was, on all the underground news channels. The last Jedi, they said, is returning to the Republic on the Republic warship _Harbinger_ and her first destination is Telos.

I couldn't find direct transportation to Telos, not with thelimited amount of creds that I had won from the pazaak table. I looked into stealing a ship, but the security was too tight in this port, and I had already earned a "reputation." After asking around a bit more, I found a small ship going to Peragus, a nearby mining colony. The colony was remote, the settlers were few, and a supply ship from Telos was due soon, so I decided that was my best route. Besides, maybe there would be a ship there I could steal.

As I bargained for my passage to Peragus, I wondered about what I had found. Why was there so much information on this Jedi on the holoweb? Who was releasing it, and why? These unanswered questions made me nervous. _I need to hurry_, I thought as I brushed my hair back from my face. The woman I was negotiating with smiled at me then and I knew by morning time, the price for my transport would be much lower.

* * *

When I got to Peragus, I discovered that the supply ship from Telos had been delayed for several weeks due to engine trouble and that there were no other ships to be stolen. That night I got very drunk. The next morning, I woke up in the detention center. One week of imprisonment, the administrator declared. 

Later on, I would thank his ghost for protecting me from the droids and helping me find my Jedi.

&.

* * *

**Peragus. (Xi Lan)**

_Wake up._

I didn't want to wake up. I was drowsy and comfortable, but the voice wouldn't leave me alone. I stirred finally, and my hands touched something hard, directly in front of me.

_Wake up._

Driven by an urgency that was not mine, I opened my eyes.

_I'm in a kolto tank_, I realized.

Everything around me was distorted, the light from outside bent by the thick fluid within which I floated.

_Wake up._

I needed to get out and comfort was the last thing on my mind now. _Why am I in a kolto tank?_ _Was I in some kind of accident? I don't remember anything._

I couldn't remember any accident.

_Wake up. _ This voice was the source of the fear driving me, though I couldn't tell if it belonged to some part of me or to another.

_I'm trying,_ I said in response, forgetting in my disorientation that I could no longer speak to others through my mind.

And then I was falling, slamming into the cold, hard metal floor of the ship. I lay there for a long moment, as my lungs struggled to remember what it was like to breathe air and my closed eyes ached as they adjusted to the harsh brightness of the room.

_Where am I?_

The air smelt wrong -- dirty and dusty where the ship's odor was clean, sterile, unnoticeable. I squinted my eyes, and then opened them slowly, trying to make out what was around me. Nothing looked familiar.

_None of the rooms in the ship were round. Frack Xi Lan, get up!_

My arms and legs protested as I forced myself to stand up. It felt as if I had been in the tank for a long time. By the time I was finally upright, my head felt dizzy and my eyes full of spots. I paused for a long moment in the cold air, letting my body regain its equilibrium while I examined the surroundings.

_Where is the doctor? _

Normally, when a person exited a kolto tank, there was a doctor or nurse there to help them out of the tank, and to give them a shot to help them orient themselves. Especially if the patient had been inside for a long time. But no one came to greet me.

Four other patients floated in the tanks beside me, but they hung motionless, not shifting or twitching like kolto patients normally would. Everything seemed _wrong_.

_Okay Xi Lan, get out of here, find out what is happening …Cannock shit, find a weapon! I will not be caught unprepared. Never again._

I walked towards the exit, moving walking slowly to let my legs adapt.

&.

* * *

**(Kreia)**

I felt her awaken from the kolto tank, but that was not enough to revive me from the deep sleep in which my consciousness floated. When the Ebon Hawk had been hit by the turbolaser fire of the Harbinger, I had been electrocuted by explosions in the nearby panels. With no other means to heal myself, and no humans to draw strength from, I had placed myself into a deep Jedi healing sleep. With no access to the Force except that granted me by the earring, the healing has so far proceeded very slowly.

Now, as the Exile moved closer, the power I clutched in my hand grew stronger.After a few minutes, I sensed the door open and then a cold, dead breeze tickle the exposed ends of my legs, where the robes did not cover.

And then she touched me, her fingers as light as a thought upon the blood vessels of my neck, and the faltering connection I had made to her through the earring blossomed into a full fledged Force bond.

Why she could still form Force bonds when she didn't have control over the Force itself was a mystery to me.

After a moment, she moved away from me, unaware of what her touch had done, and I marveled in the sensations of my newly healed body, and in the greater power now accessible to me.

I felt her turn her attention to the nearby corpse, and I knew I had to act now. I couldn't let her get away. Though my bones and body ached, I pulled myself up off the bed.

&.

* * *

**(Xi Lan)**

"Find what you were looking for amongst the dead?"

My head turned back towards the door, expecting to see a doctor or irate nurse. Instead, it was the corpse of the old lady who had spoken. I almost ran from the room then. Perhaps the only thing that stopped me was the fact that she was between me and the door. Instead, I grabbed the plasma torch that lay beside the corpse of the man I had been inspecting.

I waited for her to say more, to indicate what she wanted from me, but she stood there, the hood of her robe drawn over her eyes. What was left for me to inspect was hard to read. Her face was old and marked by scars much more recent. _Perhaps a year old_, I thought. Her hair was as white as bone, as was her skin. When she moved slightly, and her robe shifted, I discovered that her eyes were as colorless as the rest of her. Overall, there was something mysterious about her, something that spoke in a language beyond words, and so I knew that she was a Force user.

And when I came to that conclusion, I remembered hearing her voice before.

"Your voice… I heard it as I floated in the kolto tank"

"I had overslept," the old woman responded, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, "and must have reached out unconsciously – and your mind must have been a willing one."

_Cannock dung_, I thought to myself as I suppressed a smile, _I don't know what it was about me, but I like cocky, morally dubious people._ Perhaps it was Toxel's influence that made me like dangerous people or perhaps it was my experiences with those that I had thought I could trust. Whatever the reason, it didn't matter.

"So you can touch minds," I responded, keeping my voice flat, "and feign death. Who are you?"

"I am Kreia, and I am your rescuer, as you are mine. Tell me, do you recall what happened?"

"I'm the one asking the questions. How did I get here?" I was trying to make my voice as stern as I could, but my twitching lips seemed to have given the game away, because the old woman smiled again as she responded.

"I confess I know little more that you do. I do not know where here is. I do recall rescuing you… the Republic ship you were on was attacked, and you were the only survivor." I opened my mouth to ask her a question, but she continued unheeding. Perhaps she should have waited, for the next words made my blood burn. "A result of your Jedi training, no doubt."

&.

* * *

**(Kreia)**

I had no expected my first encounter with Xi Lan to go like this. I had expected a woman overcome with sorrow, perhaps a bit insane. Instead, though she tried to keep an appearance of annoyance, her eyes, for reasons I could not decipher, smiled at me. That is, until I mentioned the Jedi. Then her eyes, a light gray, seemed to turn black and I shivered. They reminded me of Nihlus.

"I am no longer a member of the Jedi Order," Xi Lan said, each word like a fist pounding her message into my ears. And yet, I could not let this go. I tried another approach.

"Your stance, your walk tells me you are a Jedi. Your walk is heavy; you carry something that weighs you down."

She straightened her posture, and pulled her shoulders back. "Let's deal with the now. What is this place?"

I told her about what I knew, all the while keeping my senses on her. As I described the chaos, fear, and death I had sensed, her eyes grew less hard again, worry taking the place of the unexpected and unforgiving anger she had revealed earlier. This was not the sweet, naïve Jedi that had trained in the Dantooine Academy.

When I finished, her eyes inspected me, and I used the increasedForce strength to focus on her as well. All around her, little motes of the Force rested on her skin—ears, nose, neck, arms and hands—and then I realized that these spots of power corresponded with the various pieces of jewelry that littered her body. Each piece seemed to have a different Force signature, their colors, textures, and hues unique. Thought it was difficult at first, I pushed my senses beyond the haze of these Force presences to consider the woman herself.

On the surface, Xi Lan looked the same as the young girl I remembered from the Academy. A few lines of age around her eyes, though surprisingly they spoke of laughter, a striking contrast to the whirlpool of darkness that seemed to lie just behind the gossamer containment of her skin.

I marveled that this hunger was not already consuming me, and all life that remained in this barren complex. Whatever it was that kept it inside her, and myself safe, lay beyond the ability of my senses to decipher. I was not yet powerful enough yet, but my intuition told me that the needed strength lay within grasp. I would find a way to get it, and to understand how she placed the Force into the jewelry she made.

"Wait here. I will search this place and see what I might find," Xi Lan said finally, and I snapped out of the deep probing I had been doing.

"You might want to extend your search to some clothes."

Xi Lan sniffed, and walked past me without a further glance.

&.

* * *

**(Xi Lan)**

As I stood over the sparking wreckage of the two mining droids, I thought about getting the vibrosword I had left in the previous room. _No, I'm still no good with them_, I told myself, ignoring the part of me that said I wasn't much better with a plasma torch. And then, as I turned towards the next closed door, I spotted a glass case with fire equipment in it.

_An axe! That will do_.

Stepping carefully over the pieces of shattered glass. I took a few practice swingsI still felt awkward, but the axe was much better than the plasma torch.

_Thankfully, the axe is light_, _much more so than the two-handed axes I practiced with when I lived on Toxel's ship_. _I don't have the muscles I did back then. Frack, how could I? I haven't practiced much since…_ _since what?_ I had been on the verge of remembering something, but now the memory fled, faster than I could think and I felt the despair that had drove me from my home begin to seep into my bones again.

_No, Xi Lan, don't give in. Take action. Find Revan. Then we'll see._ Pushing aside my angry thoughts of revenge on whoever had done this to me, I shouldered the axe and continued to move through the complex.

&.

* * *

**(Atton)**

I wasn't sure what made me more despondent, the missing food or the lack of company. I heard a noise, and I turned my eyes hopefully towards the prison door, but they remained stubbornly shut. _Watching the miners get hot and stuffy would certainly be preferable to this frackin' silence_.

I had served three days of my one-week imprisonment, but my jailers had only given me food on the first day. Since then, I had not seen a single person and the only thing that had sustained me was the automated freshwater tap in the Force cage.

I had a bad feeling about what was going on, but there was nothing I could do locked up.

When I was sure that the door would not yield me some entertainment, I sat down. _Why_, I thought for hundredth time, for I had been counting, _did I ever leave that cantina on Nar Shadaa for this steaming backside of a Gamorrean planet? _I turned my mind once again to the dancer I had taken as my mistress there. _Miffa, a crimson skinned, voluptuous Twi'lek who loved to laugh and drink, and…_ I sighed again and leaned back, playing again in my mind the things she had done to me with her lekku.

After a while, though, I gave up. What use was there in imagining such things when there was no way to release the desires they brought up? _Frack, and now blaster's all charged up with nowhere to shoot._

I got up, ready to pace around my cage until I worked off my excess "energy," but then I heard the shields in front of my door power off. I forgot my discomfort as I listened for movement outside. The sound of running feet got closer and closer and then the doors shot open with a satisfying whoosh. I took a deep breath, feeling a little less caged now that I could see outside the room, and adjusted my pants to hide the evidence of my recent thoughts, when my uncomfortable problem came back with a vengeance.

It wasn't that she was beautiful, though shewasn't bad looking. Certainly good looking enough to to keep the engine warmed up.. The fact that she was wearing almost nothing definitely made my problem worse and, as it always did, my mouth helped me let off some steam.

"Nice outfit," I said, my eyes instinctively traveled the length and curves revealed by her underwear. She was a bit shorter than I liked, and her lines were a bit too streamlined, but she was a sight better to look at than closed blastdoors. "What, you miners change regulation uniforms while I've been in here?"

She snorted, and then moved into the room. In her left hand, which had been behind the door when she came in, she carried a small axe, one that looked like those normally encased with the other firefighting equipment in the glass displays. Then I noticed two other things.

First, she was covered with dozens of earrings, rings, armbands, bracelets, and even a couple of ankle bracelets. Some of the loose pieces clinked as she moved, making her movement seem almost like a dance, save that she lacked the grace of the Twi'lek dancers that I was used to. Second, she had a small burn on one leg and shoulder, and her hands and body were dirty with splotches of thick oil.

I waited for her to tell me something like "keep your eyes up," but she didn't say a word as she approached the cage nor did her body show any signs of embarrassment. Instead, her eyes—light gray in color I learned as she got closer—seemed to consider me as I enjoyed the view.

It is the blessing and curse of a former assassin and Jedi hunter to be able to read so much from another's body. When everyone was a mark or a potential snitch, one paid careful attention to what they might be thinking or feeling.

When the woman stopped in front of my cage, I saw that she was older than she had first looked. Fine laugh lines radiated from the corners of eyes and mouth, though I saw signs of recent worry and sadness there too. And, at the back of her eyes, bewilderment.

_Here is a woman who is adrift, _I thought, _just the kind I prefer to avoid_. A lost woman, I knew from experience, was easy to bed and hard to get rid of.

"Who are you," she said, cocking her head slightly to the left.

"Atton… Atton Rand. Excuse me if I don't shake hands. The field only causes minor electrical burns."

She started asking me questions then, mostly about what had happened since the Mandalorian wars. I answered them, because they were general questions that did not ask me to reveal anything, and because it gave me time to continue studying her.

Her reactions to the answers I provided were difficult to interpret. On the one hand, she didn't seem to care much about what had happened to the Sith or the Republic. And yet, at the same time, for her there was something personal about these questions. Especially around Malak and Revan. When I mentioned them, her face betrayed emotions too complex for me to read.

I don't know how long she would have questioned me, but I was hungry and tired of being locked up. "Look," I said, letting the words slide slowly off my tongue, "not that this half-naked interrogation thing isn't a personal fantasy of mine, but I would really like to get out of here."

As the words came out of my over-eager mouth, I had to tame the feelings they caused within me, images of the female Jedi I had "questioned." Memories I had not yet managed to banish.

And that was when I recognized who she must be.

"Hey, wait a minute, you must be the Jedi I've heard…" and then I backed up, scared for the first time in a long time by the look that appeared in her eyes when I said "Jedi."

She looked at me intently for a long moment, during which I stood there as quietly as I could, my hands up in a placating gesture and my face painted with my best "I'm a nice, harmless, bad boy" smile.

After a minute, or twenty, during which her eyes probe mine, she sighed. And then, to my great surprise, a big grin lit her face. "Two in one day," she chuckled to herself as she shook her head, and then she pulled out a mining laser that she had tucked behind her back in the waistband of her panties. It was a crude weapon, one that she had probably salvaged from one of the local droids.

"Hey wait a sec…" I started to say, but then she turned the laser towards the floor beside the cage. Taking careful aim, she burned through the wires feeding power to the cage and I was free.

As I stepped out from the platform, I looked down on this strange woman, who I now saw also had very long, thick black hair tied to hang down her back, and I grasped one more thing.

She was like a breath of Nar Shadaa air, full of grit, dark alcoves, mysterious origins, and uncommon surprises, all wrapped up in an uncertain temper. In other words, I liked her. A lot.

That made me very nervous.

"We need to get out of here," she said as I struggled to find something safe to say. When I asked her why, she described what she had learned about the facility and how the mining droids seemed to be targeting the miners and other "organics." That certainly explained why I had not seen anyone for two days.

"Do you have any ideas on how we can get off this station?" she asked at the end.

"I should be able to do something at the main administrator's console." Though I was not an accomplished hacker, I didn't think the miners were that adept at masking their systems from intrusion either.

"Then let's go," she said, walking quickly out of the room. I paused as she did so. At the sight of her exposed back, my hands moved towards my pockets instinctively, seeking out the devices I had carried in my past life for capturing Jedi. But those pockets were now empty, and I was no longer that person.

Or so I had thought.

After a few steps, she turned back towards me and held out the makeshift blaster. "Can you use one of these?"

I nodded, my mouth suddenly dry, and she handed it to me. Then she turned her back on me once again, and walked away.

As we moved towards the administration consoles, I concentrated on her backside, using the sway of her hips and buttocks to keep less pleasant thoughts at bay.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks to all reviewers for your honesty. I knew that some people would find it difficult to see Atton and Atris as related. I certainly had not planned it when I wrote the chapter. In fact, I had a completely different person in mind, but then, well... my fingers had their way. 

**Alice**: Thanks for all the input on the chapters! Can't wait until you catch up!

**Mother Mayhem**: "Welcome to BaM's FF Emporium. We get the stories to you first!" Thanks for the compliments!

**Adrianna**: Glad you like the twist!

**Trillian**: thanks as always! What I was able to accomplish here owed much to your critiques and suggestions on my draft. You rock!

**Alexandra3**: Thanks for the beta-feedback too! I'm glad it was more plausible to you, since I know you had great reservations at the beginning. I think this chapter has answered your other question.

**DarthNexus9000**: Thanks!

**Rattler3**** and starrywings**: Hey, you're both new as reviewers! (I think anywaym, since I've the memory of swiss cheese.) Glad you both liked the twist.

**Siela Hans**: Creepy is good in this case, it's what I was going for (although not what I planned at the beginning).

**Brazilian Sith Lord**: honesty is good, thanks for sharing your opinions. Your comment about the Toydarians made me realize that Atris' intentions vis-a-vis Atton and Xi Lan were not clearly presented, hence the modification above and in Chapter 12 after you reviewed.


	15. Chapter 15: An Escape from Imprisonment

**PATTERNS OF BETRAYAL AND REDEMPTION, PART II**

* * *

&. 

**Chapter 14: An Escape from Imprisonment**

&.

* * *

A/N: text within (-text-) brackets and dashes is occurring in another language. This was the only way I could find to make it clear given the limitations (-grrr!-) of this site regarding allowable input characters.

* * *

Dear Mr. Lucas. 

Thanks for the game, and for letting me borrow its structure here. As for the original dialogue, plots, and characters here, they belong to me. If you want them, it's going to cost you.

* * *

As far as I'm concerned, a beta-reader deserves worship.  
Trillian, thanks for helping me make this piece so much better.

As always, what doesn't work here is due to my own mistakes and failings.

* * *

&. 

**Peragus (Xi Lan) **

As Atton and I made our way to the Administrator's console, my head buzzed with all the puzzles that this day seemed to have placed in my lap. Though she hadn't given me many details, Kreia had insisted that she had rescued me from the _Harbinger _after a Sith attack, and that she had found me drugged in a cargo hold. When I had asked why Sith would have attacked the Republic ship, she had said that they were looking for me, "The last Jedi."

I had laughed in Kreia's face when she said that.

"How can the Jedi," I had demanded of Kreia, "who once numbered in the thousands, be no more? How can anyone call me that, given how far I've fallen and how powerless I am? I am a cast out, and glad of it. How can I still be a target of this blasted war between Sith and Jedi?"

Kreia had no answer for me, save to repeat, this time enunciating every word slower and more forcefully, that the Sith believed me to be the only remaining Jedi and that my death would clear their way to power.

There had to be some kind of mistake or misunderstanding. _How can I be the "last Jedi" when the Force, like my estranged lovers, haunted my dreams but was gone from my life? Given my lack of love for the Jedi, shouldn't the Sith be recruiting me?_

_Okay Xi Lan_, I told myself as I stepped around the remains of one of the droids I had bashed earlier with my axe _get a _grip. _This situation is dangerous enough without musing about questions I can't answer._

I had become good at pushing thoughts about the Jedi from my mind over the years, and so they slipped away easily again now.

I consciously started thinking again of what I had learned so far about the situation here on Peragus. After several of the robots had attacked me, I had opened up and examined their neural processors to see if I could find some clues that might explain the disturbing behaviour of these normally placid mining droids.

I hadn't learned much from that investigation, but that was probably due to my poor skills with computers. I was good with my hands, enjoying the patterns of wire, hose, and other physical elements of the droid, but I had no mind for programming. I think the only reason I was able to find something was because whoever had tampered with the droids had obviously done it in a hurry.

What I had discovered was that all the droids had been changed in a similar way. I couldn't figure what the person had done, not exactly, but I could tell that each droid had been subjected to a series of recent modifications to their processing matrix. Given the corpses I had seen littering the station so far, and the droids attacks on me, I could guess that the droids had somehow been given instructions or their sensors altered so that they would attack humanoids.

When Atton and I reached the Administrator's station, I stepped aside to let him access the controlling console. As I turned towards him, I saw how his eyes continued to graze the landscape of my exposed flesh. I didn't say anything, instead using the opportunity of his distraction to watch him move. Though I had forgotten most of what I had once known about war and combat, I could tell that this underneath the affable scoundrel lurked something dangerous.

He glided over the floor, his body relaxed and fluid like a maalraas from Dxun. He held the blaster in his right hand, attached to an arm that was strangely rigid compared to the gracefulness of the rest of him. Though his eyes still lingered on me, little shifts in his posture and the focus of his eyes suggested that he was closely monitoring our surroundings. All in all, I needed to keep him on my good side. He was competent where I was not, not any longer.

I needed to become dangerous again.

Atton reached the console and placed his hand on the swiveling chair in front of it. Leaning nonchalantly on it, he finally brought his eyes back to mine. Atton was tall, though not nearly as much as Toxel or Malak, and he was lean and fluid where they were solid and overwhelming. The corner of his mouth tilted up as he watched my eyes return his appraising regard. It was the look of one who was used to the attention, and more, from the women he chose to spend time with. I think I liked Toxel's open and gruff appreciation better, but still, such self-confidence had its own charm.

Then again, another some small part of me sensed that his bravado hid some deeper insecurities or pains, though without the Force, I could not confirm my intuition.

"The console?" I said, nodding my head towards the computer.

"Right. This should be easy…" I tuned out Atton's words as he turned to the panel, since I wasn't particularly interested in computer programming. His hands moved confidently over the console, and I let them do their work while I took the opportunity to braid my hair, which had gotten in the way when I had fought earlier. I had just finished the task when Atton cursed.

"What?" I asked, looking around, my hand reaching for my axe.

"Falling asleep on the job?" he asked, his words slightly biting.

I tried not to let my embarrassment show, but Atton's eyes twinkled as he turned his head away from the console to meet mine.

"Someone has severed the console from the main hub. I can't control any of the doors from here." As he admitted the problem, his face and eyes lost their edge, cockiness become annoyance… with perhaps a hint of uncertainty.

"Is that usual practice in an emergency?" I asked, unthinking.

"No…," he said, letting the word sit on his tongue, and I got the impression that he struggled not to roll his eyes. I guess it was a pretty stupid question, but I had left war and subterfuge far behind… until now.

"So what does that mean?"

"It means we can't get to your ship, or any other one for that matter. And that means we can't get off this rock either."

"What about the communications system? Can we talk to other people here?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea… maybe one of them is the person who reprogrammed these droids."

"Well, we don't have any other choice as far as I can see. Do you?"

Atton just stepped aside, gesturing for me to try the communications system if I wanted.

I tried contacting several locations in the colony, but had no success until I called to the hangar area, when the droning beeps of a droid responded to my hails. Luckily, it was a common machine language, and one I was familiar with from my days repairing droids.

After checking to make sure that the droid was functional, and learning that its make and model was T3-M4, a utility droid, I made my request to it. "T3-M4, we need your help. We are on the Administrative level and need to get to the Ebon Hawk, a star freighter, on your level. Can you see if you can find a way to open up some pathway between us and where you are?"

(-Affirmative. Will initiate search immediately.-)

"Thank you, T3-M4. Your assistance is greatly appreciated." I listened for its response, but all I heard was the whirl of its engine as it left the area. I hoped it would be able to help us out.

"I don't know if that's a smart idea," Atton said, gesturing to the ruins of the mining robots that littered the area. "The droids here are a little cracked in the head."

"What's the worse that can happen?" I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"Oh, I don't know," he said. "Maybe a whole army of them will come marching up here and start blasting."

"I suppose that's possible," I conceded, "but it's too late now. Should we go hide somewhere?"

"No, I think this is the best spot. We can see all the entrances from here and… well, there's nowhere better as far as I can see, especially since," Atton began to drawl, "you burnt out the Force cage. Not that I'm complaining about being rescued, and by… well you."

I couldn't think of anything else to do while we waited, so I started weaving my hair into a braid again, determined to finish the job this time. I needed it out of the way so that I could fight if necessary. Atton watched me for a while, his arms crossed over his chest. He seemed to be waiting for me to do something, maybe act more like a "Jedi," but when it was clear to him that I wasn't going to do anything else, he snorted and sat down in the Administrator's chair. Ignoring me, he seemed to scroll through the different log entries in the console.

Once I had finished, I looked around for something else to occupy myself while I waited. Finding nothing else that required my attention, I started stretching my arms, legs, and back. Each part of me was sore. I was no longer used to swinging an axe or dodging the attacks of others, even from opponents as slow and cumbersome of the mining robots here. I needed to get better at it again.

* * *

&. 

**(Atton)**

Xi Lan was on the floor now, her legs split into a "V." It was the latest in a string of awkward stretches that she had attempted. Each one seemed to resonate with one message, at least to me. This was not a woman used to combat.

_She moves like a first year novice_, I thought, _not a seasoned Jedi who fought and led troops in the Mandalorian Wars. _

Even though she had only been stretching for twenty minutes, her body already slick with sweat. Her muscles lacked definition and flexibility and she often stumbled when doing the exercises that required some basic balance. Now she was on the ground, trying to bring her torso to the floor between the legs. She was having little success.

The attraction that I had felt for her was wearing off as the magnitude of the task grew clear to me. When Y'stal had told me to guard this particular Jedi, I had imagined that she would be able to protect herself from most things, and that I was to help anticipate the sly tactics that others of my kind might try to use. I just hadn't believed all that stuff about Xi Lan being "broken." I mean, so she was a bit cracked in the head, I had thought, but that shouldn't stop her from causing havoc. It was what Jedi were good at.

Not this one.

_Let's see_. _We have no way off this planet except for that T3 droid. Problem one. If we meet any assassins, they'll take her out before she can get that stupid axe even halfway up. Problem two. And she doesn't seem to have any other skills either. Problem three… ah hell, it's all one big problem._

_Ah Hutt slime, who am I kidding? _I knew that I would do my best to protect her. I had made a promise and I had decided to keep those, for now anyway. Besides, I still kind of liked her.

I was distracted by a flash of hanging flesh as Xi Lan once again tried to bend forward. _Well, might as well enjoy the view, because as soon as we meet a real enemy, she's rancor fodder_. If she was going to survive, I would have to take some of the hits directed at her.

_And there has to be some reason Y'stal told me to protect her, right? Something to atone for what I did?_ Still, whatever the reason could be, I couldn't see what it could possibly be. Not right now anyway.

I let my eyes roam the cleavage she revealed. _I wonder if I could store some cargo in her hold before the Sith off her?_

But it was hard to enjoy such thoughts in the glaring lights and cold, sterile air of the mining colony. So I figured the Jedi owed me some conversation for all the trouble she was sending my way. _But how does one talk casually with a Jedi? Well, here goes…_

"So, no family, no kids… must get kind of lonely."

"I wasn't, not until recently," she said, talking to the floor. She had just brought her legs together in front of her, and was trying to lower her torso towards them. When she didn't say more, I moved closer to her, sitting down on the floor at her feet and stretching my hands towards her. She tried to ignore me for a while, but then she shook her head and grabbed my hands. I pulled her gently forward, increasing the stretch on her back while she breathed deeply, trying to relax.

"I had some good friends in Re'cha Dun," she continued a couple of minutes later, when she took a break.

"So why did you leave Re'cha and come here?"

Though I couldn't see her face well, I felt her body tense, only for a moment, before it seemed to collapse into itself. Pulling her hands free of mine, she pushed herself awkwardly up from the floor. Crossing her arms across her chest, she stared out the main window towards the asteroid field. Her face seemed guarded, and I thought I saw pain there, though I wasn't sure. And then she whispered her response.

"I don't know."

I waited for her to say more, to explain, but she said nothing. I opened my mouth to probe deeper into the matter, but then the Administrator's console beeped. The droid, we soon learned had opened the door to the mining tunnels. When we tried to ask it why it couldn't open up the way to the ship, it didn't respond.

It felt like a trap to me, but Xi Lan wasn't following my thinking. Instead, she insisted that she would explore the tunnels while I stayed here at the console.

"Look," I said, "it's dangerous in those tunnels. There are a lot of droids down there just waiting to burn you to a crisp. There are other places where the rock is heated to dangerous levels and let's face it, sweetheart, you're not exactly adventuring material now are you?"

Her face flushed as I finished my sentence. "I'm going," she said, her eyes daring me to contradict her.

Knowing women as I do, I knew that there comes a time when a woman will not budge, no matter what the logic. This was one of those times.

"Do you know how to use a stealth generator?"

She looked at me suspiciously for a moment. _No doubt expecting me to argue some more_, I snorted to myself.

"Of course…" she said, but her voice sounded hesitant. I spent the next fifteen minutes explaining to her how to use one.

"Remember," I said for probably the third time, "these droids mainly use heat sensors to detect their environment. This stealth generator isn't really designed to hide you from that, but it should be enough as long as you are careful. Don't go near anything that has a large heat signature, like a power generator. If you do, you will stand out as a shadow against the source. Keep to the middle of the room, move slowly, and whatever you do, don't get too near them."

"Right, go slow, stay away from too much heat, put my axe into anything that gets too friendly. Can I go now, Atton?" Xi Lan had started shifting from foot to foot about five minutes ago. Now her body was turned half way towards the tunnel, but for some reason I could not guess, she still waited for my permission to go.

It wasn't something I was used to. For the past few years, I had worked alone, with no entanglements or "chains of command." Before then, it had been me who had stood there, eager to get going when some superior felt it necessary to repeat themselves over and over again.

The thing was, I was not her superior or even someone she knew. So why was she holding back when she was so clearly impatient? Hadn't she been a General for frack's sake?

I was jolted out of my thoughts when she coughed. Looking up, I saw that her eyes were twinkling at me, even as she loudly tapped her foot against the floor.

Snorting, I waved her away. "Go Jed…, go Xi Lan." She turned and walked away even as I kept talking. "Keep that comm link I gave you on. Remember, there may be some points where the signal won't get through."

And then she turned the corner and was gone. I hoped my first, and probably last, protection gig wouldn't be too short.

* * *

&. 

**(Xi Lan)**

It was hard standing there, having Atton tell me what I should know already. Knowing that someone was evaluating my survival skills, which should be second to none, and finding me wanting.

How could I explain to someone like Atton, whose life now depended on my competence, that the part of me that had excelled at fighting—the bone-deep instincts for combat that my old instructor Li Yan had instilled in me some many years ago—was now as lost to me as the Force was? All that had once defended me from my foes was now directed inwards, guarding the passes through my soul so that the destruction that Revan had unleashed at Malachor, which I had trapped within me, would not threaten the galaxy. How could I get him to believe something that seemed so incredible even to me?

It had been okay with Toxel and the Mandalorians, because what they truly cared about was the commitment. As long as I had always tried to get better, and had faced my fears as best I could, they respected me.

"A true Mandalorian," Toxel had told me one day when I had been particularly frustrated, "has only one creed. 'Today, whether I die or live, I fight my foes with everything that I have.'"

Thinking about Toxel as I walked towards the mining tunnels, I found myself filled for the first time in a long time with the desire to meet my foes head on. They had taken too much from me, even my memories.

_Now I will forge myself into a warrior who will cut through the plots and mysteries. Whether my fate, my enemies will speak my name with respect._

* * *

&. 

I had made it most of the way through the tunnels untouched, but now I was in trouble. I had come to a section of the tunnel was superheated, which meant that it would be impossible for me to hide from the droids once I entered it. In addition, there was a bend in the tunnel ahead, so I couldn't even see what lay beyond the steam that rose from the glowing floor. _And who knows how many more droids are in the next area or even how long this superheated section is._

Making things worse, there were two droids moving around behind me. As soon I entered the tunnel, there would likely see me too. So if I wasn't careful, I might be quickly surrounded.

I moved around a bit, surveying the area. There was another group of droids that I had passed earlier, but they were quite far away. I was pretty sure that they wouldn't detect me a disturbance in my area.

Hefting the axe above my head with my left hand, I crept towards one of the droids. When I got close, I heaved my axe at its central processing unit. With a satisfying crash, my weapon cut through the thin armor and smashed into the CPU. Unfortunately, as the droid died, one of its arms reflexively snapped up, knocking the axe out of my hand.

I turned towards my weapon but then I heard the rattle of the nearby droid, and I jumped back by instinct, barely dodging its laser fire. Whether by accident or design, I didn't know, but the droid quickly inserted itself between my axe and me.

I tried dodging right, intending to slip around it, but it charged me more quickly than I had expected. _Or maybe it's me being slower than I expected_, I thought as I backpedaled hurriedly away from it.

I dove right, almost before my senses screamed warned me of the danger. Small stone chips rained down on me, blasted loose by three sonic charges that exploded where I had just been standing. Scrambling to my feet, I realized that three more droids were emerging from the superheated tunnel. On the other side of them, my axe gleamed uselessly in the mine's lighting.

_Well, there's nothing else I can do_. As the droids leveled their lasers at me, I charged towards the rightmost one, intending to leap over it and get to my axe. Three of the droids' shots missed, but the one I was intending to jump hit my leg. Pain blossomed in my left thigh as it gave way underneath me. I stumbled, plowing into the droid's chassis. Before I could get up, its arms came around, clumsily but effectively trapping me face up against its body.

I struggled for a moment, but then I heard the other droids' weapons powering up again and I reacted without thinking, following instincts born of desperation and fear. Shooting out my hand, I called the axe to me and swung it over my body and between my legs, burying it in my captor's head.

* * *

&. 

**(Kreia)**

The Force tingled like an electric current, racing through me towards the electrode that was Xi Lan. I felt a pleasurable ache as the pathways of power in my body, too long dormant, stretched to accommodate the flow.

And when the power that Xi Lan had drawn through me ceased its flow, the new voids she had created inside me begged to be filled. Tentatively, I drew on the Force that I sensed around me, and it rushed into me until the spaces were full. My body, which had been cold since those fools had stripped my power away, felt truly warm for the first time. It was a glorious feeling, much better than any step I had taken so far to regain my power.

Though the strength within me was still far less than I had commanded before, I laughed and danced like a little girl.

_What would I gain if Xi Lan regained full command of her Force?_ I wondered when I had regained control of my emotions. My eyes basked in the new colors and depths revealed to me. It was like standing in the sun when it first emerged after weeks of dull rain, its light dispelling shadows one had forgotten were not part of the regular landscape.

I was not one to wax poetic, nor cavort around, but how could I not rejoice when I had found a way to challenge the fate others had tried to impose on me?

_I must have more of this. More Force, more sight, more power!I have to make Xi Lan stronger in the Force, stronger than she's ever been before, until her use of the Force forges me into something that can pierce the shadows and change the face of destiny. Then we shall see how those two fools and the Jedi fare against me!_

* * *

&. 

**(Xi Lan)**

I don't remember anything about the battle after that. The next thing I remembered was standing over scattered bits of wire, cleaved armor, and pools of hydraulic fluids. My breathing was heavy and my heart was in overdrive.

_Ah, you felt it did you not?_

"How did I do that?" I projected at her, linking the question to an image of the axe flying into my hand and forgetting once again that I could no longer talk mind-to-mind.

_Ah, but you can now, Exile. It was the Force that allowed you to do that and the Force that enables our communications now._

"The Force? That's not possible. I'm cut off from it."

_And yet, there is no denying that you are using it right now. _

"No, I don't want it. It's too…" I had been about to say "dangerous" but I wasn't sure that I wanted to tell Kreia that. "Not again," I continued instead, "not ever again." I liked Kreia, but I didn't trust her, not yet.

_Shh_…_don't be scared, young one. I will walk you down the familiar paths._

"What paths I walk will be my own to choose, Kreia. Now, get it out of my head! I've got other things to do."

I don't know if I somehow blocked her out, or if she decided to leave me alone, but I didn't hear another word from her.

_No one_, I vowed to myself, _is going to make me use the Force. It's too risky._

* * *

&. 

After that incident, I was able to sneak through the rest of the tunnels unharmed. Atton was a great help, helping me manipulate a nearby controller so that the droids began targeting themselves rather than me. While the droids were busy turning each other into scrap, I reminded myself over and over again not to use the Force.

A few minutes later, all that was left were two wounded droids that I took out with the axe and some stealth. Next, I disabled some shields to get access to the turbolift. Unfortunately, dropping the shields also let some of the processed gases that the mining colony was producing mix together. With Atton screaming in my ear to hurry up, I ran towards the turbolift. Just as I rounded the last corner, I heard an explosion go off. Without looking back, without thought, I jumped towards the closed turbolift doors, pushing the button that opened with the Force at the same time. The doors split just before I hit them and I tumbled inside the lift. As soon as I hit the floor, I banged the interior console with my axe, shutting the doors and cutting off the wall of flame rushing towards me.

"Frackin' Force!" I yelled. Fifteen minutes after I had vowed to seal myself off from the Force again, and already I was tossing it around as if I had never lost it. _Am I doomed to use it now, to be dragged once again into the wars of others?_

"So I guess this means that you're alive despite the large bang I just heard?" Atton's voice drawled on the comm link as I lay on the turbolift floor.

"What's so damned important that I'm considering stepping back into a war that should have died ten years ago?"

"Umm… Xi Lan, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing," I said, sighing, "I'm just wishing that I could be back on Re'cha." _Living the life_, I continued in my head, _I once had before my tormentors stole the thing, whatever it was, that I cherished more than anything._

"Uh huh. Look…" Atton began and then his voice changed to static. I tried hailing him again when I left the turbolift, but received no answer for my troubles.

I activated the stealth generator and walked down the corridor in front of me until I reached a corner. Across a hallway, I saw a room in which a man was lying. After making sure that there were no droids in the hallway, I crossed into the room. The man on the ground looked like the image of the droid repair technician I had seen on one of the holovideo logs. He was covered in laser burn wounds, and his face was fixed into a scream. Though I could tell he was dead, I bent down to check his pulse.

"Greeting: I can assure you that he is dead."

I cursed silently as I looked quickly to my right. Obviously I had not moved slowly enough with the stealth generator. Standing there was a humanoid-looking droid. It had silver armor, red eyes, but, I was happy to see, no weapon. I checked the body of the man while keeping an eye on the droid. The man didn't have anything, which seemed odd.

"Who are you?" I asked the droid, standing up.

"Statement: I am HK-50, protocol droid. Do not worry, Master. I am at your service."

"Do you know what happened to the other droids?"

"Conjecture: I can only posit that they were somehow suffered a radical change in their programming that caused them to attack organics. Placation: Do not worry, Master. I am not affected by whatever agent has affected the mining droids."

I asked the droid a series of other questions, most of which the droid evaded. At the end of our conversation, its visual receptors glowed as it imitated the screams of the technician during the last few moments of his life.

Though I was no Revan, it was easy to tell after a short while that this droid was somehow involved in the events that had led to the deaths of the miners and the lockdown of the mine. I thought about attacking it, but there was something about him that made me hold back. My instincts, as much as I was still trying to deny them, told me that I was not ready to fight it.

"I need to get to the other miners on the dormitory level. How do I get there?"

"Statement: I'm afraid that is impossible, master. The only way to the dormitory from here is along the catwalk outside. To get there, you will need to open up the airlock, which the technician voice-locked."

"Do you know the code?"

"Confident statement: I do indeed, Master."

"Well then, you can open it for me, since you can obviously imitate voices quite well."

"Reluctant rejection: Of course I can, Master, but I will not. My programming forbids me from letting you put yourself into danger. There may yet be many robots running amok in the dormitory. Consoling advice: Why don't you wait here and await rescue. I'm afraid there is nothing more to be done."

"Hmm… let me think about it while I look around." I searched the room, seeing if I could find something useful. There were a few medpacs, which I placed in my bag, but nothing that could force open a sealed airlock door. After checking the hallway again, and making sure HK-50 did not get behind my back, I crossed the hallway to the next room. There, hidden beneath some regular repair supplies in a small storage bin, I found a voice-recorder.

After that, I used HK-50's apparent need to brag to trick him into repeating the airlock code in the technician's voice. It was surprisingly easy; I used the same "dumb girl" approach that I had seen women use on men in holovideos. Given a chance to demonstrate his prowess, HK-50 seemed unable to resist.

"I'm going to look at that lock," I said, after making some further small talk so that he wouldn't guess what I had done.

"Warning: Master, there are other droids between you and that door, and they are not as friendly as I am. Plus, there is no point to your proposed activity. You will not be able to get past the door."

"Thank you, HK-50, but I want to look anyway," walking off before he could protest.

* * *

&. 

**(HK-50)**

For a few milliseconds, I analyzed the option of restraining the Jedi. Given the limited data I had about her battle prowess, I found the option unfavorable when compared to further study of the Jedi and the immediate acquisition of a useable weapon.

_Annoyance: I should have armed myself with a weapon earlier. Grudging admission: I was overconfident in the perfection of my planning. Now I will have to find other ways of capturing the Jedi._

After making a few changes to my programming to eliminate the possibility of making that mistake in the future, I commenced my search for a blaster.

* * *

&. 

**(Atton).** **An hour later**

Since she had entered the turbolift that took her away from the mining tunnels, I hadn't been able to pick up Xi Lan's signal on the Administrator's console. Scenes of crazy droids and exploding or plummeting turbolifts ran through my head, tormenting me with the prospect of failure. It had been a long time since I had failed a mission, something I took a lot of pride in. I didn't want that to change now, even though there was no one to reward me anymore.

With nothing else to take my mind of my dilemma, I took out my pazaak cards.

For an hour, I tried distracting myself with a game of pazaak. It was incredibly frustrating. I played so poorly, I even lost to myself when I cheated. When the console finally beeped, indicating that Xi Lan had finally moved into a place where her signal could be tracked, I gladly put away the cards and called her on the comm.

"There you are Xi Lan. I was worried about you after that big explosion, but now I'm picking you up loud and clear. Let's see where you are… No, that can't be right." I hit the terminal a few times to see if it would change the readings it was giving me. "This thing's broken, it's saying you're outside the station."

"Look straight ahead, Atton."

And there she was, or at least I guessed it was her because someone was out on the catwalks in a space suit and there was no one else alive as far as I could tell.

"What, are you nuts? What are you doing out there? It's dangerous." I couldn't believe it. It was **as **if she was doing everything she could to make my life miserable.

_Why did I have to get the crazy, I-want-to-die-as-soon-as-possible Jedi? Why couldn't my redemption be linked to a combat-ready, pazaak-playing, horny and voluptuous female Twi'lek Jedi?_

She said something then about needing to find the miners, and something about another way to the ship, but I was quickly distracted by two things. First, a big Republic warship was making its way to the colony. Second, someone had opened up the gas vents so that they were releasing fuel near the catwalk.

I tried to tell Xi Lan to go back, but she wasn't willing.

"I'm just not sure that the people on that ship are friendly," she said after a few moments.

"What do you mean? They're from the Republic." I couldn't believe I was saying that, but the logic should have worked for her.

Still, as I looked at the ship, something told me that she might be right, though there was no way I was going to tell her that. The Republic ship was all beat up, but that wasn't what bothered me. It was the feeling I got when I looked at it. My instincts, which had never let me down, screamed "danger."

"I just want to play it safe, Atton," Xi Lan said. "Something weird is going on here."

_No kidding_, I thought. Still, I was supposed to protect her. "Look, if you want to play it safe, you should turn back, because the mine's just started jetting gas right along your path."

"Atton, I don't have time to talk. Just be careful, and so will I." And then she just walked away, cutting off the conversation as she always seemed to do when she had made her mind up.

As I followed Xi Lan's progress along the catwalk, I took out my secondary stealth generator from its hiding place in my boot. Taking my eyes off her for a moment, I admired the generator, a special one of my design. It looked like a thick amber pendant suspended on an ordinary gold chain.

"Sith's nuts!" Xi Lan shouted as I put the generator on my neck. I looked quickly out the window. Xi Lan was hanging onto a guardrail of the catwalk with one hand, her body parallel to the catwalk as it flapped like a flag in the jet of gas which was trying to push her into space. I quickly scanned the Administrator's console again, looking for some kind of switch to turn the gas off, but there was nothing there.

"Come on! Stop fooling around and get your other hand on the rail, Jedi," I shouted into the comm.

With a loud yell, Xi Lan swung her other hand forward and grabbed the rail.

"Okay, now you need to get out of the gas stream. Try to move sideways along the rail with your hands."

"Okay," she gasped. Bit by bit, she started to inch her way along the rail. Through the comm, I could hear the rasping sound of the spacesuit sliding over the metal railing and the heavy desperation of her breathing as she struggled to maintain her grip despite the awkward bulkiness of the gloves.

"Not that way! Go back the other way, you stupid…" I paused, hundreds of possible insults flitting through my mind, none of them ones I wanted to use before I bedded the Jedi.

"Too… late… now," she said, continuing to slide her body away from me, and towards the other plumes that guarded the way to the dormitory level.

And then her body stopped swaying and I realized that the vent had turned off. With an exhausted sob, Xi Lan pulled herself over the railing, floating face-first onto the catwalk.

"Dammit, it's too dangerous. You need to get back inside now!"

"No, I'm going forward," she panted, turning herself over on her back. "I'll be more careful though."

"Sith's hairy testicles! There are five more vents between you and the dormitory and only one the other way. It's not worth it. I'm sure we can find another way out."

"I don't think we have the time," she said, her hand lifting up to point at the Republic ship.

The ship, I saw, was halfway through its docking procedure. "Okay, fine, but hurry up and be careful!"

"I will, but you take care too, Atton! Whatever is on that ship is probably dangerous."

A couple of the other vents went off as she made her way, but she was ready this time, crawling under the blasts. As I watched her progress, I realized that the timing of the gas releases were too precise to be random. It was if someone was trying to use them to prevent Xi Lan from reaching the dormitory level. I didn't like it. It was something an assassin would do, though one obviously less skilled than myself. I preferred more reliable methods.

Looking at the ship, which was almost ready to dock, I thought about what to do as I activated my secondary stealth generator. Even more than before, I felt a cold menace coming from the ship.

"I should have taken that job as a bouncer at the Long Legs Saloon," I muttered to myself as I accessed the docking controls for the station. Tapping some keys, I inserted a simple program that would make the connector that was now extending itself towards the Republic ship move in random directions.

_That should slow them up for a while. _

I wasn't going to stop the ship from docking, just in case it was legit. The last thing I needed was for some overeager, stiff-shirt officer yakking in my ear or trying to put me back in the brig. But I was going to make sure that it took them a long time to get into the station, and I was going to find a place to hide myself into I knew what was really going on.

* * *

&. 

**(Xi Lan)**

As I stepped into the turbolift that would take me back to the Administration level, I took deep breaths, trying to calm the anger that threatened to overwhelm me.

They were all dead, every last miner. The dormitories had been littered with bodies of miners whom the droids had gassed. Inside the cantina, the bodies of other miners had been knifed apart by the lasers of the mining robots.

According to the holorecords I had been able to access, the HK-50 droid had killed them all because it wanted to keep me here for bounty.

_What a waste of life!_

Three traitors, who had cooperated with the droid until the end, were the last corpses I had found, just outside the turbolift I was now taking. In the end, the droid had betrayed them too.

_Well, at least I know now how we can get on to Kreia's ship._ It was a crazy plan, but it was the only option I could see. The way to the hangar level inside the asteroid had been completely blocked off by the droid, but I had discovered that it might be possible to enter the Republic ship, make our way to its engine room, and then follow the connector used to feed raw fuel to the ship. If we could get through that, we would be able to access the hangar where the _Ebon Hawk_ was.

Of course, that was all easier said than done. It was likely that the Republic ship had already docked, and, if the people on board were really my enemies, they were probably searching the compound for me even now.

I hoped Atton and Kreia were safe.

As the turbolift slowed down, I turned on the stealth generator that Atton had given me and readied my axe. A number of bigger and better melee weapons were strapped to my backpack, but none of them appealed to me in the same way that the axe did.

The door finally opened, and there in front of me was Kreia. She wasn't fooled by the stealth generator for a second. Looking impatient, she gestured me to run towards the Administration area.

"We need to hurry," she said.

"Hold on a second, Kreia. Take a weapon." I said, turning so that she could access the weapons strapped to the outside of my bag. Kreia hesitated for a moment, clearly impatient to leave, but then she moved to my side and took a vibrosword and a blaster, tucking the latter into a pocket inside her robes. Then we ran towards Atton.

He wasn't there. I couldn't see him. I felt my heart race as I darted around the room, afraid that I would see his corpse tucked in some niche out of sight.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," he breathed into my ear after I hesitated at one corner. Whipping around, I realized that he had stealthed himself.

He was good. Even knowing that he was there, I could barely see the distortion when he moved.

"We need to go now," Kreia said.

We started jogging up the ramp to where the Republic ship was docked, but quickly came to a halt when our path was blocked by HK-50. Four floating mines quickly deployed themselves on either side of it, blocking our path for the moment. In his hands, he held a nasty looking blaster rifle.

"Exasperation: Master, I wish you had just stayed in your room waiting for transport. You have caused me some inconvenience, and ruined the perfection of my plans. Firm suggestion: I must insist that you remain here until the proper transport has arrived."

"That's not going to happen…" I started to say, but the Atton blasted the mine nearest the droid on its left side. The explosion from its destruction rocked the droid, unbalancing it and surprising me. Before HK-50 or I could recover, the other mines exploded in succession as Atton and Kreia made quick work of them.

His eyes glowing red, HK-50 aimed his rifle at Atton and shot him in the side, tumbling Atton to the ground.

Forgetting my vow not to use the Force, I reached out with my right hand. In my head, I suddenly saw the intricate network of wires, circuits, and chips that made up its nervous system. Using my understanding of droids, I _accelerated_ the flow of energy through several key circuits that fed its central processing unit. Smoke burst out of his head and it stumbled, stunned.

I should have run forward then to engage the droid, but I was too stunned by what I had done. Instead, I stood there gaping at my hand as Kreia rushed forward with her vibrosword raised high above her head. A few moments later, the droid lay in a three badly dented pieces, but I was too wrapped up in my own confusion to see how Kreia accomplished its dismemberment.

It wasn't that I had used the Force, though that was bad enough. Instead, it was the distinct feeling I had that told me that the trick I had used to disable HK-50 was one that I had never been able to do before.

Somehow Kreia sensed the dimensions of my predicament. "It's the Force that directed you, and it was instinct that guided your choice of tactics."

I didn't say anything, but my head shook slowly back and forth on its own volition. When I had been a Jedi, the Force had felt like the opening of a flower that soaks up the light until its petals drip with it.

This power I had directed just now, I had not felt anything.

Kreia looked at me, her bone-pale eyes challenging me to openly deny her assessment. Perhaps she was also working out something else to say that would convince me of my error, but we were pulled out of our separate musings by a groan to our side.

"Atton, I'm sorry," I said, quickly walking to where he was now sitting. "Are you okay?" I bent down, my hands reaching out towards his jacket, intending to pull it open to see what lay behind the smoking hole in its left side.

"I'm fine," Atton said, his voice clipped as he lightly knocked my hands away. He leaned over, putting his hands on the ground to push himself up. For a moment, he was rising up with what seemed to be his usual grace, but then he moaned in pain, collapsing back down.

Before he could utter another word, or move to protect himself, my hands were inside his jacket. Atton swore, using some words I did not recognize, and I felt his body tense and start to withdraw from my hands. Then, again without my conscious direction, the Force flowed into his bloody wound, binding us together so that we were unable to move as it sealed his tattered flesh and skin together.

Again, I felt no movement of the Force through me, save perhaps at the tips of my fingers. _In other words_, _the Force or something is directing itself through or around me, but it is not in me. And so, am I being used? _Even though I sensed no malice, it did not make me feel any easier.

_Still_, I thought as the healing completed itself, _the Force does create wonders._ The gouge in Atton's side was now almost healed, and my fingers began to trace the edges of the wound, slowly and lightly, until they started to come together. I could feel Atton's breath rush in, his gaze burning a hole through my head.

And then the work of my fingers was done, his wound now a small, thin scar. Even as Atton's held breath rushed out of his body, my will fled me and I crumpled towards the floor. Atton's hands pulled me to him, and I lay boneless across his lap.

"What happened to her?" I heard Atton say as if from far away.

"I am not sure, but it is likely that she has overspent herself," Kreia responded, her words somehow clearer to me than Atton's. A few footsteps later, I felt Kreia's dry hands rest on my temples, and then a small strength flowed into me, somehow avoiding my wound. My heart lurched, then beat more strongly again. Though the strength she passed to me was much less than what I perceived rested within her, it was enough that I could stand, with a little help from Atton.

As I stood there, waiting for the black spots to recede, I dared to think about all the times I had used the Force. Clearly, though I still could not feel it within me, the Force was not lost to me as I had always thought. Not only that, but I had used it several times without stirring the darkness within me. Was it possible after all that I could learn to use it once again without unleashing the void within?

_Do I dare try? Or, as Toxel probably would tell me, can I be the warrior I need to be until I try?_

Kreia's hand touched my arm, pulling me from my thoughts, and more strength rushed in to bolster my swaying body—enough that I could walk away from her, if only for a few steps. It was strange though, because Kreia's command of the Force seemed to have grown much stronger too, and yet she had not mentioned facing any challenges or foes. I thought about asking her, but I sensed that she would not welcome my curiosity.

"Thank you," I said instead, "but no more."

Kreia nodded, and turned towards the walkway that would lead us to the _Harbinger_. Atton and I followed her.

* * *

&. 

Arriving on the ship, I paused for a moment. _No one to greet us, no sound of life on board this ship, no one back in the colony._ _I guess that confirms it. Something's definitely wrong here._

"So," Atton said, looking from side to side, "what's the plan?"

"The only way to the _Ebon Hawk_," I said, "is to go through this ship and into the fuel line connecting it to the asteroid. That will lead us to the hangar level and from there we can access the ship."

"That's your plan? That's terrible! You know what? You guys are the worst Jedi ever!"

"What's wrong with my plan?"

"You mean, besides walking through a fuel line that anyone could turn back on at a moment's notice? Look, even if we get to the _Ebon Hawk_, we don't have the charts that will let us navigate the asteroid field."

"Well, we can get those from the _Harbinger_'s computers, right?"

"Well yeah, I guess that's true."

"So let's go."

"I don't know. I've got a bad feeling about this."

"We don't have time for this," Kreia interrupted, her voice terse and impatient.

"Look Atton," I said, holding my hand up towards Kreia, "I trust your instincts but we have to do something. We can't just sit here. Who knows what enemies are crawling around, looking for us?"

Atton said nothing, his face rigid and harsh as he looked back towards the station.

"Please?" I said, following instincts I was too quickly coming to accept, and need.

For a moment, Atton ignored me, but then his face twitched, just before he snorted. "Frack," he said quietly, the left corner of his mouth curling upwards. Atton checked the ammunition in his blaster for a moment longer and then turned towards me.

"Let's go," he said, his face serious and, I thought, a little sad, as he waved his blaster towards the bridge.

"Thank you," I said, and then I jogged to catch up to Kreia, who had left when I said "please."

* * *

&. 

Getting the charts was easy, but making our way through the rest of the ship's command level was not. Several times, we were attacked by stealthed assassins covered in close-fitting black masks and armor. The only thing that saved us was their apparent lack of skill and Atton's marksmanship.

"They are special Sith Assassins," Kreia said after one fight. "They feed off the power of their prey, and grow stronger with it. It is only because we are weak that they seem so clumsy. You will not find them so easy in the future."

This was not a comforting thought.

* * *

&. 

On the next level, I realized that we were passing the room I had occupied while on the _Harbinger_. Telling the others to wait, I dashed into the room to see if any of my things were still there.

When I found my jewelry equipment, I squealed in delight, earning identical scowls from Atton and Kreia. Atton's scowl was replaced by a look of desire when I pulled out the next item from my bag.

"That's a Mandalorian blaster," he said, his voice soft.

"A Mandalorian MRL-746 with a laser sight and a modified chamber for enhanced armor piercing," I said, stroking the blaster I had inherited from my days with Toxel's clan on the _Tulden_.

"Did you get that from the war?" Atton asked.

"It was a present from some friends." I felt secure holding it. Though I had never gotten very good with it, it was a superb weapon and it packed a frightening punch. It also reminded me of good times, when an entire clan of bloodthirsty, lusty, former enemies watched my back.

"That is one hell of a weapon," Atton breathed. "It's got fifty-three percent more penetration that a standard Republic blaster even without the modifications. Its energy use efficiency is twenty-two percent higher too. Overall, it weighs three hundred and forty-four grams less, and…" Atton rattled off a number of other facts about the blaster, more than enough to demonstrate that he knew the weapon much better than I did. Through the whole recital, his eyes never left my treasure.

"With that, I feel much better about our chances for survival," he said finally. "Can you use it?"

"Yes." I looked over every inch of the blaster, flipping it from side to side, turning it around to look at the ends. Then, my heart breaking, I ducked my head to hide my face and held the blaster out to Atton. "But not nearly as well as you."

He didn't take it, though I could sense he wanted to. "Are you sure?" he said.

"Just take it!" I thrust it into his chest and then let go. Even before he caught it, I was heading out the door.

As I rounded the corner, I made my decision. That blaster would be the last thing that I would give up because I lacked the skill to keep it. I would learn to use the Force again, and whatever else it took, to become the warrior Toxel had always said he saw in me.

* * *

&. 

**(Atton)**

From the way she had handled the MRL-746, I could tell that the blaster was something valuable to her, and I could see why. It was a firearm I had wanted for years, but which I hadn't been able to find in any of the legal and less-than-legal arms shops during my travels. It was built for medium- and short-range combat, with a high firing rate, a chassis that made modifications easy to install. Not to mention a host of other features that made it ideal for a guy who needed something on his hip that would keep the trouble at bay.

I had seen her handle the makeshift blasters that we had scavenged from the mining robots, and what I had seen hadn't impressed me. Sure, she had done fairly well against the mining droids, but they were easier to kill than first year Padawans.

Still, I thought as I watched her handle the Mandalorian blaster, she wouldn't have to hit our enemies too many times to make a dent with that weapon.

"With that, I feel much better about our chances for survival," I said. _Maybe_, I thought, _they would be even better if you learned how to shoot properly._ "Can you use it?"

I had intended to show her how to shoot better. _After all, even Jedi should learn where to point a thing of beauty like that._

I nearly pissed my pants when she actually gave me the MRL-746. It was too good to give away, and I could tell that she didn't want to, but when she thrust it at me, it was all I could do to even ask her if she was sure.

And when she dropped it into my hands, there was no way I wasn't going to take it. It fit my hand better than any glove, pazaak card, or woman's breast ever did.

* * *

&. 

We were on the engine deck when I felt it, more strongly than before. _Danger_. The feeling of it burrowed into my skin, until it felt that an army of ants was somehow scurrying back and forth across the my body.

"I got a bad feeling about this," I said. I thought Kreia rolled her eyes when I spoke, but I wasn't sure.

_How can I tell when the old hag had no pupils? Well… maybe I'm saying it a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong._ It was what I always said, usually to myself, when I sensed trouble.

Xi Lan was looking at me. Though it was hard to tell, she didn't seem to feel the same foreboding that I felt, which was strange.

_Aren't Jedi supposed to be the ones who could see into the future?_

"We need to move on," Kreia said, as she started to walk down the corridor, her vibrosword swinging in her right hand. Xi Lan looked at me for a moment longer. Maybe she was waiting for me to say something, but there was nothing more that I could tell her. Something very bad was lurking about, but I didn't know where it was or how to avoid it. After a moment, she turned to follow Kreia and I followed her, my blaster and hers at the ready.

We had almost made it to the engine room when the crawling under my skin flared into a frenzied scurrying of rats or some other larger creature. As if sensing the same thing, Kreia and Xi Lan turned with me to look down the hallway from which we had just come.

There he was, his cracked, grey skin looking tougher than any armor I had ever seen on any Mandalorian. In his hand, he held an unlit lightsaber while his right eye, all white like Kreia's, seemed to pierce all my carefully built up mental guards. Moving towards us, he sauntered slowly, daring us to run away even as his cold power ground down our will.

Perhaps he could have just walked up to Xi Lan and I and butchered us like the gizkas we had unwillingly become, but Kreia broke the spell he cast upon us.

"Flee! I will handle this one."

Xi Lan looked at Kreia, and her mouth opened, but Kreia raised her chin and ran towards the Sith Lord before Xi Lan could say anything.

"Come on," I said, grabbing Xi Lan's arm. She resisted my pull for a second, but then she followed me as we beat a strategic retreat from a foe only a hag with no reason to live should face.

* * *

&. 

We had made good progress in our flight, but the day was not yet done with its weird antics. Halfway through the fuel pipe, Xi Lan collapsed on the repair walkway, her face frozen into a silent scream of pain and bitter anger, her left wrist clutched in her right hand.

I shook her, but she didn't seem to feel me and so I picked her up, and slung her over my shoulder. Her bag banged painfully against my spine as I jogged down the pipe, worried that the flow of fuel that I had stopped before would start again before we reached the end. To my great relief, we reached the maintenance exit, and I slung her body onto the ground, meaning to slam the door shut.

"Don't lock it," she said, the words weak and cracked. "Kreia…"

_What about keeping our new Sith friend out_? I thought, but I knew she wouldn't listen to that logic. She was a Jedi, after all, no matter what she said. _Who else would have given that blaster away?_

"Are you okay?" I asked instead. "What happened back there?"

"It was Kreia, I think. I felt the Sith Lord cut off her hand." Her voice was getting stronger. I offered her my hand, and when she took it I pulled her up.

"Speaking of Sith Lords, just who in the hell is Sleeps-with-Vibroblades? And who is the Old-High-and-Mighty-Hag for that matter? And why do _you _feel it when someone lops her hand off?"

"I think we're bonded in some way, but I don't understand why I would feel such a thing so intensely." She took a few experimental steps, and then broke into a jog. "Come on, let's get to the ship."

Now that was a plan I could follow.

* * *

&. 

We discovered the apparently discarded T3 droid along the way, it's power shut off and its chassis showing scars of recent laser burns. Xi Lan turned it on, her hands quickly and expertly running the droid through its start up procedures.

_So, you do have some skills. Maybe we'll live a couple of more weeks after all_, I chuckled to myself, ignoring the questioning look from Xi Lan.

* * *

&. 

Making our way towards the hangar, Xi Lan, T3-M4, and I fought several more groups of droids. Three battles ago, we had run out of medpacs and grenades. Now, as we were finally getting to the hangar, I marveled once again at the clever foresight that had led me to install armor into my jacket three weeks ago.

Xi Lan had just discarded the smoking remains of the impromptu tunic she had made from the miner's gear, but I was too tired to enjoy the view. She limped down the last hallway to the hangar, her jaw stiff and her eyes unyielding. Her left leg, marred by a deep furrow made by the last droid we had faced, seemed barely able to support her weight. Her torso was also covered in bruises, except on the outside of her right shoulder, where another droid had left a less serious burn mark. It was lucky for her that these droids were not equipped with proper blasters.

On her left shoulder, Xi Lan held her axe, its edge now chipped in several places. Though I had offered to carry it for her, her pack continued to rest on her back.

"You've already got enough of my stuff," she had muttered as she hobbled away.

And then there it was, the _Ebon Hawk_, full of rust and dents, barely armored, and less attractive than Aqualish offspring. I loved it from the first moment I saw it.

* * *

&. 

**(Xi Lan)**

Not only was Atton an accomplished blaster wielder, but it was clear from the moment that he first stepped on the _Ebon Hawk_ that he was a good pilot as well. Watching his fingers fly over the ship's controls, I was mesmerized as he started the ship and ran it through the necessary checks.

"We've got company," he said suddenly, jolting me out of my distracted state. "Someone had better man the turret until we can get out of here." It was then that I remembered that Kreia was still missing, though I could sense her presence weakly, drawing closer it seemed.

"T3-M4," I shouted, "man the turret! Atton, don't close the door yet, Kreia might be coming. I'll hold off anybody that gets into the ship."

"She'd better hurry up," Atton shouted as I ran towards the door, "because once this baby's ready, I'm out of here."

* * *

&. 

**(Atton)**

Two minutes after Xi Lan left, the ship was ready to depart. Though I was really itching to just take off, I knew I couldn't until the landing ramp was closed and I knew that Xi Lan wouldn't close it until she was good and ready.

_Frackin_' _do-gooder_, I thought, fighting a grin that wanted to mar my roguish disdain. _Well,_ I sighed as I pulled the blasters from my belt, _someone's got to do this right_.

Running to the hatch, I heard her grunting. _Which means of course that's she fighting someone._ _God forbid that a Jedi make that sound for something more fun. _Turning the corner, I saw that my charge was indeed doing her best to die as soon as she got away from me.

Her left leg dragging behind her like a deadweight, Xi Lan shuffled around, barely blocking the blows the Sith soldiers were raining down on her.

"No, damn you!" I shouted and I raised my blasters, even though I knew that how difficult it would be to shoot the Sith in the midst of the heated battle.

And then, suddenly, I knew that Xi Lan was about to duck, and without thought I fired my blasters at the Sith behind her as her body dropped down. My makeshift blaster did no damage, but the Mandalorian one ripped through the soldier's chest armor, dropping him like a stone. Five seconds later, I shot the second Sith in the head just as Xi Lan leaned to her right.

Xi Lan, still eager to make me suffer, bent down and started dragging their corpses on to the ship.

"Leave them and get inside!" I shouted.

"We need the armor for…" she started to say, but then she was spun to the ground as a blaster shot from outside hit her on the left shoulder. As more shots gouged the doorway, I ran forward to pull her out of danger.

As I dragged her body out of sight, the blaster fire suddenly stopped. A few seconds later, Kreia dashed into the doorway. With a flick of her hand, she sent the Sith bodies flying out the ship; with another, she pushed the door control, and the walkway started to close, even as Xi Lan started to struggle out of my grip.

"We need to get out of here," Kreia and Xi Lan said at the same time. I hesitated for a moment, but when Kreia came over to help Xi Lan get up, I dashed towards the cockpit. Thirty seconds later, we left the hangar.

Some Sith must have gotten back on the _Harbinger_, because the ship started firing on us as soon as we were exposed. I tried to dodge the shower of turboblaster fire by maneuvering through the asteroid field, testing my ability to dodge and follow the charts to its maximum.

"What about the asteroids?" Kreia asked, when the Harbinger pursued us into the swirling maze of rocks. "We could fire on them to aid our escape."

"But…" Xi Lan started to say, but I didn't hear the rest. As soon as Kreia said "fire," I had activated our guns. The rest of Xi Lan's words were lost as the asteroid field destroyed itself, and the mining colony, in a cascade of fiery destruction.


	16. Chapter 16: Fumbling Author is skewered

Sorry, this is a fake chapter.

For those of you wondering about that alert that you got, I put something here as a Chapter 16 a couple of nights back and then took it off the next morning. It was a modification to Chapter 11, changing the confrontation between Revan and Bastila. To make a long story short, I posted it as a new chapter, changed my mind, and then modified Chapter 11 instead. If you want to check it out, the changes were made only for the section where Revan and Bastila confront each other on the Star Forge. Essentially, I've added some fighting and tightened up a lot of the dialogue.

Since I had to put something here in place of that aborted addition (for all sorts of long reasons that I don't want to get into), I'm going to take this opportunity to point you towards a backstory of Atris that I just submitted as a one-shot (It's a Quiet Thing to Fall...). I really toyed with adding it here, but I didn't want to interrupt the flow of this story with yet anotherof my patented sidetracks. Still, the one-shot tracks the progression of Atris' character from the time that she leaves Atton until the day that Xi Lan first arrives at the Telos Academy. Reading the one-shot is certainly not necessary for this story, but I believe most of you will enjoy it. Hey, there are also a couple of good fight scenes in it.

Be well, BaM


	17. Chapter 17: One step forward

**PATTERNS OF BETRAYAL AND REDEMPTION II**

**Chapter 16: One step forward...**

&.

**A/N**: text within (-text-) brackets and dashes is occurring in another language. This was the only way I could find to make it clear given the limitations (-grrr!-) of this site regarding allowable input characters.

**Many, many, long distance thanks to Trillian who, beyond the call of duty, beta'd this thing three times.  
Because this chapter was extremely, heartrenchingly, painful to write, the version here is quite  
different from the last one she saw, so all errors, etc. are mine alone.**

**---More A/N below for the curious-- -**

&.

Disclaimers, blah, blah, blah. George Lucas, yadaa, yadaa, yadaa. Obsidian etc, etc, etc…

&.

* * *

**(Xi Lan). _Ebon Hawk_, just after the ship got away from the _Harbinger_.**

_How could he... how could he do that? _

_Another colony, just gone. Destroyed by a few words and the push of a few buttons. _

_Not again… it's happened again. And I couldn't stop it. Again._

_Why is everyone killing planets in my name? Am I so weak? Yes, poor Xi Lan, she's so nice, we can do whatever we want to her. We can take whatever we desire from her, including her memories. We can make her destroy whole armies, even planets and we can make her bear the pain._

_The pain. _

_The vortex in me, I can hear it pounding now. It's matching my heart's beating… is it my heartbeat? It's fast, demanding… something._

_All the screaming, the anger, the voices of the dead that I have calmed over the past 10 years… will they be brought back in one careless instance? Is that them now, are they speaking to me? No, that's Kreia and Atton, not important… not now. _

_Look for leaks, look for emptiness escaping… … … is all the hunger still within me? … …_

_Yes, but what's that?_

_Fury, oh there is something or somebody furious here, enraged, wanting to destroy! But where's it coming from? … The void? … No. The voices…? … … They're livid but … not at me… no, they're angry for me. _

Then I understood

_I am very angry._

&.

**(Atton)**

I hadn't seen Xi Lan's reaction when I blew up the colony, but when I had turned towards her after we entered hyperspace, she looked absolutely furious. Her eyes were locked on the starboard viewport, the direction in which I had fired. She still held her axe in her hand, and her knuckles and fingers were white.

Kreia started talking to Xi Lan, talking about the nature of the threat that had attacked us. I don't think Xi Lan heard her, because she stood in the same spot the whole time. I don't even think she blinked.

Still, I was listening and I don't like what I'm hearing. Apparently, the Sith think that Xi Lan is the last Jedi and they're going to keep hunting her until she's dead.

_That's just great. Of all the protection gigs I had to sign up for, it would be the one where I'm protecting an insane, close to useless Jedi, against a host of Sith Lords and their kath hounds._

"After we get to Telos," I said, "we'll need to upload some new charts into the navicomputer, preferably including the Nar Shaddaa coordinates." _Because if I'm being pursued by Sith, I want plenty of booze, a place to hide and a chance to get into the Jedi's pants before they find us._

I think Kreia finally realized that Xi Lan wasn't responding to her, because she said something about going to her room and that Xi Lan should come to her when she wanted to continue the conversation. Kreia waited for a few seconds, probably waiting for Xi Lan to acknowledge her words. Well, I wanted the old bat out of my hair so I encouraged her along.

"Hey don't stop your long, boring rant on my account. I was just getting sleepy-eyed here."

"Also, in private, we will be mercifully free from the opinions of imbeciles and fools." Without acknowledging me at all, Kreia walked off, leaving me with Xi Lan.

As I watched Kreia walk away, I saw that her back was slightly bowed and her step a touch hesitant. This reminded me that her hand had been cut off, and then I could see the pain she felt written in every part of her departing body.

I found myself feeling concerned about the Kreia, and this worried me. A lot. It wasn't like me to lose sleep over the health of Jedi, and now I was playing nursemaid to two of them.

"Look," I said, "you might want to go and see how's she doing. You know," I continued when Xi Lan didn't move, "with her hand missing and all… Well, do what you want. But she's in a lot of pain and…"

Before I could finish, Xi Lan walked out of the room. Ten seconds later, I hurt a loud, metallic bang.

I rushed down the corridor. There was no one in the central room, but I heard the murmur of Xi Lan's voice in the port dormitory.

I couldn't resist, and really couldn't see why I should, so I walked as quietly as I could towards the dorm, projecting in my mind my latest litany of emotions: anger at the two women for that mess on Peragus.

"…save your pity. I am here to save you, not the other way around," Kreia's voice was saying.

"If I felt the loss of your hand," Xi Lan murmured, "what would have happened if you had died?"

"I do not know. I fear that the consequences would have been..."

"Would it have been lethal?"

"Possibly, yes, and I fear it works both ways."

"Then we'll work together and try to be careful until we can fix this. How could this bond have happened?"

"I confess its nature eludes me as well. But that is not the most important thing here, you are. If you fall all the galaxy will echo it."

"Why? What's so damned…" Xi Lan started yelling, and then I heard her take a deep breath before continuing. It didn't do her any good. "What's so damned important about me!"

"They think you are the last Jedi. They believe that once they kill you, they will have won."

"Why can't the universe just…" Xi Lan stopped, and then didn't say anything for a while. I almost started back towards the cockpit, figuring that they had started meditating or some other Jedi "training," when she started speaking again.

"Fine." Xi Lan said as I started to turn away, "Let them come. If the Sith won't leave me alone, then Force help them when they find me. Because I _will_ find a way to protect what I care about."

"Good, good. You have taken an important step, but I would improve our chances. I offer to train you, to help you feel the Force again as you once did."

"Why, Kreia? Why not get off this ship when we arrive at Telos and never look back?"

"Because those that stalk you will eventually hunt me as well. It would be better to face them together, and given this bond we share, as one of us grows, so shall the other, until we are ready to confront our enemies and claim our victory."

"I will need to think on this, Kreia."

"Then that is what you should do. Consider what I have said, and what you faced back in Peragus. If you like, you might want to check on that fool in the cockpit and make sure that we are still headed for Telos."

I waited for Xi Lan to defend me, to stick up for me after all my help on Peragus, but she didn't.

"Why does it matter where we go?"

"Telos used to be a place of the Jedi. Perhaps there we can find something there that will help us. Besides… the Force is guiding us there now."

"I will think upon this too..."

And then I heard the clank of her booted feet against the ship's floors. I ducked down the hall and into the cockpit as quickly as I could while moving silently. I arranged myself in my most casual pose in the captain's chair, but Xi Lan never came.

_Well, you ugly ol' Kinrath bitch, she may not be standing up for me, but she's not giving you too much respect either._ Somehow, that thought didn't comfort me as I drifted off to sleep.

&.

**(Atton). _Ebon Hawk_, ten hours after the ship got away from the _Harbinger_.**

"How did she do that?" I asked, but Kreia didn't answer. We were both staring at the wall separating the central room from the medical bay just down the hall. Buried in it was Xi Lan's axe, with only a small portion of its handle still visible.

_Well, now I know where the loud "bang" came from earlier._

"She can't be that strong, can she?" I turned towards Kreia, hoping to find on her face the answers she refused to tell me. For a brief moment, I saw a cunning satisfaction written in her expression, but then she noticed my gaze and her face became blank. Without a word, she turned from me and headed towards the port dormitory.

I ran my hand through my hair as I considered possible locations to catch some more comfortable sleep. Xi Lan had locked herself up in the starboard dormitory and Kreia remained in the port one.

_And there was no way I was going to crash in the port dormitory with that dangerous harpy. She's probably dig around my mind and have me licking her boots and swearing off booze and pazaak before I woke up. _

I grimaced as my hand came away from my hair feeling greasy. Between the sweat and grime from escaping Peragus and the residues of three whole days spent locked up in the Force cage, I was riper than a Gamorrean in heat.

The only 'fresher in the ship was located off the medical bay, and so that settled where I was going to sleep. I investigated the medical bed and the rest of the room, to see if it would work.

_It's a bit small, but the bed here will do nicely_. _And if_ _the crazy Jedi or the old bat want to clean themselves up, they're going to have to knock and say 'please.' _

Whistling to myself, I went to the cargo bay to see if I could find a towel and some sheets, which I found. That was where my luck ran out, though. When I returned to my new bedroom, the door was locked and I heard the hum of the 'fresher. Cursing all women, I went back to my cockpit.

&.

**(Xi Lan). Two days later**

When I had buried my axe in the wall, I had shocked myself badly, right out of anger and into a place where I was scared of my temper. Because now the Force had entered the equation and so I had become dangerous, not just to myself but to all around me.

More than anything, that was why I accepted Kreia's offer of teaching, because there was no way that I could do something like that unless I was using the Force. Or the Force was using me. Either way, I needed to get better control of myself.

It had taken all my self-control to talk to Kreia after we left Peragus, and I had breathed a sigh of relief when I left her room. I didn't go see Atton, though, as she had instructed. In part, it was because I wasn't willing to be some gushing, obedient apprentice all over again but mostly, I just wasn't sure what I would do if I saw him right then.

For the past two days, I had sat in my room, only coming out when I knew that Atton was asleep.

I felt bad for avoiding him. I was pretty sure that he had fired on that asteroid to save us. But whether I believed that or not didn't matter in the end. I was going to make sure I didn't see him until I felt in control of myself again.

_That shouldn't be too much of a problem. He'll probably leave as soon as we get to Telos. That would probably be for the better anyway._

The problem I faced now was both simple and vexing. Atton had been sleeping in the medbay and I needed to get access to that room. Two of the wounds that I sustained fighting on Peragus had started to look puffy, which meant that they were probably getting infected. I had tried to heal them with the Force, but it hadn't responded. I didn't think that Kreia was the type of Force user to heal, which meant that I needed to find some medical supplies.

Like I had done every hour since I had woken up, I tried stretching my senses outwards, to see if I could detect where Atton, Kreia, and T3-M4 were. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I felt nothing, but I hoped it would help me regain some control. From what I could tell Kreia was asleep, T3-M4 was working in the garage, and Atton seemed to be busy in the cockpit. It seemed like a good time to raid the medical stores.

Unlocking my room's door as quietly as I could, I tiptoed my way towards the small room, keeping an eye on the hall that led to the cockpit. Breathing a sigh of relief when I got to the medbay, I started rifling through the various drawers and cabinets as quickly as I could.

"There you are," I whispered to myself, holding up the hypo-disinfectant I had found. I turned to make my way back to the cabin and slammed my face into Atton's chest.

&.

**(Atton)**

I heard the light tread of her feet on the metal floor and I could tell that she was trying to sneak somewhere because of how she was walking: on her toes and slower than normal.

_So, she's finally come out of her room, _I chuckled to myself. _I guess she doesn't know that you can't walk silently on a metal ship. That is, unless you happen to be a pro._

I worked my way down the hallway and listened for her when I got to the central room. I could hear her opening and closing drawers, which meant that she was probably in the medbay room.

_What are you looking for, my little sneaking Jedi? _I chuckled silently to myself as I made my way to my current sleeping chambers. _My guide on _How to Win at Pazaak_? Naked pictures of yours truly? Or maybe, you're waiting for the real thing, thinking to surprise him in his new bedroom. _I had to stop for a moment, until the visions of a naked Jedi left my head and I could concentrate on moving quietly.

Coming to the doorway, I peeped my head around. She was wearing a loose, black shirt and pants, both of which hid her almost too-slim figure. I moved quietly across the doorframe so that I could get a better angle to see what she was looking for, but I still couldn't see.

Xi Lan stopped for a second, and rubbed her right thigh, and then, with a mental slap on the forehead, it occurred to me that she was looking for medical supplies. She had gotten pretty banged up on Peragus.

I walked up to her, coming up behind her just as she straightened up and said, "There you are." I was about to tap her shoulder, but then she turned around and walked right into me.

_I guess I'm even more silent than I… _

I woke up to the harsh glare of the ship's light, which thankfully was cut off my Xi Lan's concerned face as she bent over me. Her shirt hung loose from her body as she bent down over me, so naturally my eyes flicked towards her neckline to see what was revealed. I didn't see much because the lighting was all wrong and because she still wore that damn black bra.

"You're okay then," she said straightening up. I brought my eyes back to her face. I wondered if she expected me to look guilty, which I had given up doing a long time ago, but she just looked at me, her expression cool and distant.

"So how's your jaw?" she said.

It was only then that I realized that my jaw hurt. A lot. Waking up on a medbay bed with a sore body and the girl who caused the pain leaning over me reminded me for a moment of the time I had dated that human woman on Jre'llo. She had owned a body I had wanted to sink myself into for days at a time, all packaged in a tight, red synthleather outfit that had made being a bad boy the best thing that had ever happened to me. Still, there had been some mornings when I had woken up just like this, my body aching and her face all concerned looming over me.

_Of course, she provided some nice repair jobs…_and I tried to repress my smile as I thought about those glorious mornings. _Shoot, even she didn't have nearly as many piercings as Xi Lan does._ Still, the memory, and its possibilities, helped brighten my mood.

I came back to the present to find Xi Lan was looking at me, her expression impatient.

"Umm… where were we?" I said.

"Your jaw…"

"It's okay, I guess," Extending my hand up towards her, I waited for her to pull me up. Her eyes still hard, she yanked me up so fast my neck bent backwards.

"What was that punch for, anyway?" I asked, rubbing my chin while looking at her with my best innocent grin.

"Don't ask," she said, but her face was a little red now, and her eyes glittered like some of those "high society" ladies I had turned down on Coruscant many years ago. So I guessed she was mad at me, but I didn't really understand why.

_Atton my boy, she's right, you don't want to know. _

"Okaaay. So… what was the deal with the medicines? You know, the ones that you had just found before you knocked my lights out?

"Oh that. Well, a couple of my wounds were getting a little red and puffy, so I wanted to disinfect them."

"Why didn't you just wave your hand and heal them?"

Xi Lan eyes shifted away from mine, and she mumbled something that I couldn't hear.

"What was that?"

"Because I couldn't."

"Huh, I don't get it. Did you get knocked on the head or something?"

"No, I don't think so. It's just… Look, I don't know, alright? I shouldn't have been able to heal you at all, so I guess it's not surprising that I can't now. Can we just drop it?"

_Oh ho, so what motivated that moment of genius back on Peragus then, sweetheart? _Still, though I knew I could score a point, I also sensed that this would be a bad time to push my angry Jedi.

"Okay, fine." I said, holding my hands up towards her. "So… did you put the medicine on, at least?"

"Not yet. There was," she said, turning her head towards the corridor outside, "the matter of you lying on the ground bleeding."

"Then let me have a look, will you?" I put my hand on her side, and pushed her gently towards the warm bed that I had just occupied.

"I can do it myself," she said, smacking my hand away.

"Look sister, I'm pretty handy with this stuff," I lied, "so just let me have a look will you? So, where does it hurt?"

Though it took some more talking, she finally let me examine her wounds. Sitting on the bed, she pulled off her shirt so that I could get at the back of her shoulder.

"It's not like you haven't seen this before," she muttered quietly.

_But I still like the view_. I took off the rough cloth bandages she had wound around her shoulder. The wound looked red and a bit swollen, so I used the hypo and then covered it with an adhesive patch I found in a compartment.

"Well, that should do the trick." I said, placing my hand flat on her shoulder, rubbing it over the bandage and then onto the top of her shoulder. "Still, you seem kind of tense. Maybe you should let me loosen these up for you." Placing my other hand on the opposite shoulder, I started massaging them, being careful to avoid her injuries.

I felt Xi Lan tense up. "Don't do that," she said, knocking my hands off.

"Look, it's your choice, sister, but you've been using muscles that haven't seen serious exercise in, I'm guessing, years. Let me soften them up for you, or they'll never unwind."

She hesitated, her body halfway off the bed, but then she sighed and sat back down.

I started to massage her again, digging my fingers in harder and harder. It was the only way I was going to loosen her shoulders, which were like blocks of wood. Besides, I knew that if she felt anything remotely resembling a lover's touch, Xi Lan would leave faster than a Twi'lek cantina dancer who had just been paid.

The Jedi didn't say a word until I stopped, my hands cramping from the strain. Without looking at me, she said, "Thanks."

Before I could respond, she snatched up her shirt and left the room.

&.

**(Xi Lan). Two days later, one day from Telos.**

I was in the main room having breakfast. Kreia had still not left her room, and she had refused any medical attention from either of us. She had been in a Jedi healing trance since I left her room on that first day.

Atton was, as far as I could tell, snoring in the medbay.

I had avoided Atton since our encounter in the medbay. I knew he was attracted to me. I was even starting to suspect that he might be feeling more than the lust he so easily expressed, though I couldn't figure out why. All that I knew was that it wasn't something I was ready to deal with. Love meant pain, for me, and abandonment. I was not going to open myself to that again.

Besides, I was still furious with him for blowing up Peragus. It was better to avoid him.

"We should get to Telos in a day or so," Atton said behind me as I lifted my glass of juice. Startled, I spilled the liquid all over my front.

Atton smirked as I vainly tried to wipe the juice off my clothes. "Here," he said after a little while, "try this." In his hand was a semi-clean napkin that I guessed he had pulled out of his pocket.

"Thanks," I muttered, taking the napkin. _How does he always manage to catch me by surprise?_

Atton leaned against the holoprojector as I dabbed the juice off my shirt and pants. "So... what happened?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?" I said. I noticed that this time he was keeping his eyes focused on my face. He seemed to be working so hard at it, I looked for beads of sweat running down his forehead.

"There were plenty of times back on Peragus where a lightsaber would have been helpful. So, where's yours?"

"The Jedi Council… look, let's just talk about something else." As if Atton had flipped a switch, I saw again the last few moments of that trial, images that had burned into my brain as surely as my blades had cut into the centre stone. Vrook, his scowl so deep, I looked for bones in the crevices. Atris, once a friend, her eyes like ice on fire, melting my soul and then reforming it as some deformed villain. And Kavar, my former mentor and dear friend, turning his head away from me when I sought out his eyes one last time.

"Come on, I thought a Jedi was supposed to be married to their lightsaber?" Atton waited for my response, but when I didn't respond, he continued. "Well, it sure would be nice to have it now. It might make those Sith think twice before coming after us."

"I gave it... them up, a long time ago. I don't think I could wield one now anyway."

Atton's face looked puzzled, and he raised his eyebrow as if inviting me to say more. I didn't.

"Look, sister," he said after a while, his voice slow, restrained, "if we are going to be traveling together…"

"What!" I shouted, and my hand flew up to cover my mouth. "You can't... I mean, why…, aren't you getting off on Telos?"

"Well, between you and the old witch, the odds say that I should just catch the next shuttle to Nar Shaddaa and… well, you know…" I didn't, but I wasn't curious enough to find out. "But the thing is, umm… you seem like someone who could use a bit of help. Well, maybe a lot of it."

"But why does that matter to you? Why do you care about what happens to us? And…" and then I realized that he had slipped up. "How did you even know that Kreia and I are traveling together?"

"Look," he said, the corners of his mouth lifting with his two shoulders, "I followed you on that day to see if you were alright, after I heard, well, a bang." Both of our gazes drifted towards the axe handle sticking out of the wall. "I might have heard a few words… Hey, come on, I didn't mean any harm."

"No, Atton, that's not good enough. I'm sorry, you seem like a… like someone who means well. But as you said, it's going to be very dangerous and you don't know me." _And I don't know you, I can't trust you, and I can't give you what you seem to want_. "I think it's better we part ways on Telos."

"But…"

"No," I said, putting all my will into that one word. He opened his mouth as if to say something more, but then he closed it again, shrugging his shoulders.

It is hard to describe the reaction I had to his acceptance. Part of me felt wonderful. I had needed that feeling that I could exert some measure of control over my destiny, over who would participate in my life. I was sad too, because Atton didn't seem like a bad person, and his offer had felt sincere. But I didn't trust my senses now, and I didn't trust him. He was too good at sliding up on me unseen, and too slippery in his thoughts.

"Thank you," I said, wanting to keeping it simple and polite. I walked to my room, feeling his eyes on my back the whole way.

I was full of pent up energy, so I paced around the room for a while. when that didn't help, I started stretching the other muscles in my body besides my shoulders. Atton was right, I did need to take care of them; they felt stiff and sore.

And they will feel worse, most likely, before this mission is done.

After the stretching, I still felt restless. I tried to remember what I used to do when I had felt this way in the past, but it wouldn't come to me. I walked over to my door, and locked, checking quickly with my senses to make sure that no one was near. Then I walked over to my bag and, reaching all the way to its bottom, pulled out the leather book I had carried with me since that space station where I had boarded the _Harbinger_. In it, I had places my thoughts and experiences leading up to this day, as best as I could remember them.

It had been the kind of thing that one only finds as a surprise: an unexpected discovery in an unforeseen place. _Like, I guess, finding a true friend among the Mandalorians_. Warmed by the smile that unfurled in my heart as I thought of Toxel, I stroked the book with the tips of my fingers, just enjoying the sensations of a friend remembered and something smooth and almost alive under my touch.

I pulled out a pen from my bag, and one other thing, a small, collapsible chair made of maalraas bone. _Another gift of Toxel's besides... that night, I think._

Sitting down in the chair, I felt my earlier calm expand, my body sinking into the chair until it felt like big, hairy arms wrapped themselves around my torso. I fell asleep like that, and dreamed of that night with _Toxel on the Tulden._

When I woke up the next morning, I opened the book, which had fallen to the floor besides the chair, and started writing. I had only made a few entries so far, mostly using them to try to organize my thoughts. I thought I that's what I would do this time, but then, as I described my dream, something in the passage reminded me of the mystery that had been stolen from me, and I felt a fierce rage rush into the spots cleared by my earlier relaxation.

My writing became frenzied, the words pouring out of me like a dam inside had been broken. I wrote of defending the less powerful, guarding others from the predations of those who would use them, and all sorts of other passages about protecting the innocent. But despite all those words, I couldn't find in them anything that captured what I, Xi Lan, really wanted, the thing that had driven me from my shelter into this unkind galaxy.

Without thinking, I wrote one more sentence.

"Whatever was taken from me, I will get it back."

Then, driven by an instinct I could not ignore, and did not wish to, I put the book away, for what I knew would be the last time, and made my way to the ship's garage. Using the equipment there, I worked all night constructing two simple, one-meter long, hollow cylinders. As I studied them, my mind finally clear from the haze of my rage, I realized that they were like the practice swords I had used in my days as a Padawan and then trainer of Jedi. I had forgotten about them, but they felt right in my hands.

As I made my way back to my room, I paused in the central chamber to look at the axe I had buried in the wall. Putting a hand on its haft, I emptied my mind to see how it felt to me. It didn't fit me, not anymore. Pulling out my knife, I made a small cut and took off the material that had served as the axe's grip, so that I could use it on my new weapons.

I left the axe there, to remind myself to control my temper, and my destiny.

&.

**On the starship, _The Sour Twi'lek_. Approximately eleven and a half years after the fall of Kreia**

_Xi Lan's diary entries ended one day before she arrived on Telos. Because of that, I don't have the information to tell you the rest of the events that occurred between Telos and Malachor V. At least, not yet._

_Did you ever wonder who was telling this story, and how that person got into the head of some of the most powerful Force users in the galaxy, not to mention a slippery rascal like Atton? Well, whether you did or not, I've decided to tell you._

_The history teachers would tell me that the author of a history should never talk about him or herself in the text_._ I believe this to be a mistake. I'm not sure why this is so, or how to explain it, but I know it to be true anyway. So, if you have made it this far, then bear with me. I am only fifteen years old, and I make lots of mistakes. Besides, Revan says that errors are the stepping-stones to true understanding._

_I am the author of this work—part history, part story—that you are reading right now. I am writing it because this story may be the only way I will ever know and understand what happened to Xi Lan._

_The first two volumes covered two periods in her life. The first period was the Mandalorian Wars, the second her time in exile. The third volume will cover the time during which Xi Lan and her crew fought and defeated three dark Sith Lords, at great costs to themselves._

_There is one catch, reader. History is full of holes, which many people are eager to fill with conflicting accounts and self-serving lies. I have been lucky, for by living with Revan, I've had access to the information I needed to write the first two volumes of this work about the life of Xi Lan. _

_Unfortunately, the same can not be said of what came next for her. Of Xi Lan's fight to regain control of her life, starting from Telos and ending on Malachor V, there is very little information that is available, and certainly not enough to write a worthy tale. Not yet._

_And so, even as I complete this second volume, I am embarking on the next stage of my new research, to uncover the events that led Xi Lan and her companions to Malachor V. _

_I could wait, I suppose, until I know the rest of the story before writing it. But I find myself in the curious position of mirroring Xi Lan's travels. Right now, I am heading towards Telos on a ship called the _Sour Twi'lek, _like Xi Lan did twelve years ago. Like her, I seek answers. To find them, I need help. I hope that Xi Lan's former companions, or at least those that are still alive, will help me find them._

_It will not be easy. Xi Lan's former allies disappeared in the years that followed Malachor V. The first step, and the reason why we travel to Telos, is to search for Bao-Dur, an Iridonian mechanic and warrior who joined Xi Lan on Telos. It is our hope that he can still found there, though he disappeared off the official records five years ago. Then I will look for the others._

_I'm sure you are full of questions right now. The first might be the identity of my traveling companion or companions. Let me say that Atris is a most unusual person to be traveling with and leave it at that. We are still getting to know each other, and, I think, with her it will take a long time. And yet I quite like her, for all that she is as sharp and hard as ice._

_The second question is more pertinent to the story I'm writing: how am I able to write about the emotions and thoughts of these people, most of whom I've never met? I am young, barely over fifteen years of age, and there are no written records of the events that I'm describing. So how am I doing it? The answer is, as Revan would say, very simple and so terribly complex._

_Each Force user has a particular skill or strength. Revan has his precise control and his strategic insight and Bastila has Battle Meditation. Xi Lan, Revan says, had the ability to form Force bonds with the world around her. I am able to see the memories of those whose objects I hold, but only a few. There is no way to predict what images the objects will yield to me, but they are often the strongest memories of the owner or owners. Revan thinks my talent might be similar to Xi Lan's ability to form Force bonds, save that where hers was grounded in the present, mine touches people's lives through the past. _

_What does that mean in terms of writing this history? Right now, there are three things beside me: Xi Lan's paper-based diary, a Mandalorian MRL-746blaster and a small earring that Xi Lan made which Kreia carried with her. Revan gave me these pieces many years ago. They were things he found in my Xi Lan's bag on Malachor V after... well, let me not get too far ahead of myself. _

_From these objects, and others, as well as the records that Revan had provided me access to, I have been able to tell you the history of Peragus. _

_I will confess that Atton and Kreia's thoughts often made me uncomfortable. I have tried to write them down as I sense them. Perhaps you can understand them more than I do and maybe age will clarify it for me. Here is what I think I know, at least so far. _

_Both of these characters were full of both darkness and light. They hated each other, and yet, ironically, they shared some very similar characteristics. Intelligent and cunning both, they guarded their minds expertly. It is only my unique ability that has allowed me to uncover as much as I have about them so far, and such revelations will likely become fewer and fewer as I trace the story though time. Even in the short time period covering Peragus and their journey to Telos, I can feel their minds beginning to withdraw behind thick mists. I suspect, given time, they became like the Dindo swamp cats on Dagobah, a hunter only visible when its teeth are closing on one's throat. Both manipulated others without reservation, and they were willing to do whatever it took to get what they wanted. _

_And yet, I sense that they were fierce protectors of the few they chose to love, and that, while self-serving, they were not the kind that sought to harm others purely for sport. Rather, I think they served their causes ruthlessly._

_Through the earring, which is in the shape of a dagger, I also learned a little bit about a Mandalorian Champion, who possessed the earring before Kreia, and how she killed him. The soul I touch through the earring is rough, unforgiving of weakness, and yet somehow caring as well. _

_And then there is the diary. Very few people write in paper books these days. Xi Lan did so, I sensed, because she loved the feel of a pen and a book in her hands. From this book, which I love more than anything or anyone, I have learned about her spirit. Even without opening it, I have sensed fragments of emotions, images, and thoughts. What she wrote helped, but believe me when I tell you this, it was secondary to what I learned from just holding the book to my heart._

_Unfortunately, she stopped writing in the book shortly after Peragus, and so it provides very few images from the time beyond her escape from that planet. _

_Perhaps the most important line in her diary, and it was her last too, was this: "Whatever was taken from me, I will get it back." She underlined "will" with many dark lines. _

_What she didn't know was this: that missing "thing" was me, her son. It was Bastila who stole me from her, and who erased her memory of me._

_When I was young, I would I read that passage late at night and remember something terrible: I hate Bastila. I would plot ways to kill her, to distract Revan so that he would not be there to protect her._

_And then Bastila would come into my room in the morning, her presence preceding her like the scent of warm bread just finished baking—full with comfort, love, and family—and all my hate would flee back to the dark corners of my mind. Until the night came again. _

_Once in a while, Revan and Bastila would go away for a long time. Each time they were due back, Revan would arrive an hour or two before Bastila and sit me down, gently talking me through the reasons I had forgiven my kidnapper. He knew, and I think Bastila did not, that when she wasn't there everyday, the hate would grow beyond the power of her love to dispel. He always managed to calm me down enough so that Bastila could work her magic on me._

_Don't mistake me, though. I love Bastila. She is wild and powerful, beautiful, passionately devoted to Revan and me, and very loving as a caregiver. I know she regrets her actions and the harm she inflicted. I see the remorse on her soul, tears of blood red that mar the autumn harvest of her Force presence. Bastila has apologized to me repeatedly and I forgave her each time. I wish the words mirrored what was in my heart, and they do, but the hate remains._

_Does this sound crazy to you? I can not tell, because my history and upbringing are unique. Fathered by a Mandalorian whom I've never met, I was stolen from my mother when I was barely three years old. I was raised and trained into power by the two of the most powerful and dangerous Force users in the galaxy—Bastila, the one who took me from Xi Lan, the other the infamous Revan. _

_I ask you, against what template should I judge my experiences? _

_As you can see, explaining to you about how I'm able to research this story and narrate it as I do the story is only part of what I want to tell you here. I am also acquainting you with myself and my quest. _

_Why, you might ask? And why now, when Xi Lan's story is so far along? I can't explain it, save that the Force tells me it's important to do so. _

_I think the answer closest to the truth is that I think better when I write. And, as Revan would say, "True understanding requires knowledge and appreciation of all of one's own aspects—good and bad, strong and weak, accepted and shunned." I won't say that I fully get what he means, but I feel that including myself in this work is a step in the right direction._

_In the end, why not? I'm young and allowed to make some mistakes. _

_Do not mistake my intentions. I will not be replacing Xi Lan and Revan's tale with my own. Where my story is told, it will only be to help you understand her tale better. _

_I think the best way to end this second volume is to tell you how I will start the third. In the next chapter, I will you what little I already know about what happened to my mother on Malachor V, and how what seemed like a definite end has become a puzzle I now seek to solve. And I will tell you how I came to be on this ship, heading towards Telos as my mother did so many years ago. _

_It is a sad tale, but do not despair! Thanks to the one who travels with me now, I have learned that there may be hope, however implausible. It is that, as much as anything else, that drives me. _

_If the Force wills it, I will add information from Bao-Dur or any another source that will allow me to recount what happened to my mother and her allies on Telos._

_I am Toxel, of the family Xi, also of the Clan Tulden. I am of the blood of warriors and I have set my feet on this path and will see it through to the end. _

_My mother's story will not be forgotten, even if I have to drag it from Kreia's rotting corpse.

* * *

_

&.

* * *

**A/N:** This chapter was a real pain in the ass to write. I feel that I should clarify a few things, just in case they weren't clear in the story above. 

...1. The next chapter will be in **_Patterns III_**

...2. There I will still be telling the story of KoTOR 2, but using Toxel's "writing" as an overlay to organize the story.

Why, you might ask? I realized after the last chapter that if I tried to do a straight walkthrough, I was going to lose all of my inspiration and, more importantly, the few but important plot seeds I had been laying for what was to come after KoTOR2. So, this chapter, with the introduction of Toxel, was really something I should have done before Peragus, to enable me to tell the KoTOR2 story and yet keep alive, but in the background, what the reader needed to know of story to come afterwards. Still, I have done the best I can to make it work at this juncture in the story, and I hope it works for you.

This is the risk of serial fiction, rather than releasing a piece once it's fully written. So, I guess, I'm like Toxel as he heads towards Telos.

BaM


End file.
